Divided

Chapter 4: Into the Woods

The week that followed my arrival was a blur of uneventful days. Around every corner Ryan would try to strike up conversations. Conversations which remained one sided and were filled with uncomfortable silences. I tried to keep my distance from him – tried to save him from the wounding humiliation of failure, but he keeps coming. It seems like he has taken it upon himself to care for me, and make me feel at home. Seeing that I took an interest in the limited collection of books in the general area, he brought me some classics from the pack house. Which was nice, especially since the only books I could find was inspirational self-help books. Books which reminded me of how messed up I was.

I have not yet been given the green light to go live at the pack house. I have a feeling that my separation from the rest of the pack, has something to do with the blonde bombshell, that came to flutter her feathers in front of me. And it might also be the reason why I haven't been invited to run with the pack.

Ryan explained something about them wanting to get to know me and my wolf better. Me not talking surely delays my integration with the rest. Luckily we prefer to be alone, secluded from the rest. She likes to be handled like the threat she is. And I like to stay far away from attention and prying eyes. The plan is still to get out and away, but not now.

The pack is useless. The males are weak and flabby. Nothing like what we're used to. But they're invisible to the outside world, and they have an infrastructure that can last for decades. Which is more valuable than a full forced army, nowadays. From what I could gather, they have a population of 470 wolves, which grows with every pup that is delivered and every stranger they rescue.

Their Alpha, Jack intrigues me. I can feel him when he is near, and smell him when he has been. Other than Ryan, he tries to avoid me. He comes to the barracks at least once a day, handing out chores and arranging hunting parties with his men. When he is close by I can feel his eyes on me, which makes me uncomfortable and conscious of every move I make. When I accidentally make eye contact with him, he either diverts his gaze or feels the need to give me a stiff smile as greeting. I can see his posture tense up whenever I am near. Which makes me question how welcome I truly am.

He runs the pack and the ranch with seemingly effortless efficiency. The fact that he is respected, without having to use threats or violence, puzzles me. Where I came from, respect and loyalty was gained and maintained through fear. Killian was a ruthless leader, one that kept me running for years and still haunts my dreams. When we were running I knew that it would be harder for Killian to find me. But now, I feel like a sitting duck and grow more anxious by the day. 

With all the bodies, it would be easy to take off – especially for me – the invisible girl. I think that they would actually be prefer if I decide to leave on my own, and not force them to ask me. I just need a little bit more time. I have come to realize that this is the safest place for us to be for now. We have a better chance at survival right here – and a better chance at survival out there, if we are back in fighting shape. I just need to quietly stay out of the way and keep her under control.

Cass, the dreaded, black, she-wolf, showed herself again a couple of days after we arrived. The moments I had alone with my thoughts, felt short lived, and I regret wasting them by wondering and worrying over her. When she woke me up in the middle of the night with a howl, I knew she was frustrated and anxious. They must have had a numbing agent in the tranquilizers they used on me, which kept her under for a couple of days. She resented the fact that I was in the light and she was pushed to the back. Unfortunately for us both, this is the way it has to be – at least for as long as we're planning to stay.

Unlike her, I keep her up front, where she can see, hear, and feel. When I joined my first pack I came to realize that very few of us actually do this - mostly because it is too dangerous. If only I had a mentor growing up, who could have told me that if I give my wolf too much power, I will struggle to stay in control. But I grew up with humans, who only saw a troubled girl and didn't bother to ask questions about my strangeness. Needless to say, I now have an entitled wolf that could care less about anything except herself. She calls the shots. And to be frank, I have grown fond of the backseat. I became accustomed to the dark, and find the little corner she shoves me into quite comforting. Not making decisions and giving her the reins of our life, was the easiest option. And still is.

Every night there are wolves out on a run. The howls I hear in the distance are accompanied by whines from inside. I can feel her growing more and more anxious – she needs a run almost as bad as I need fresh air. It has become impossible to sleep, because of her frustration and tantrums. Even though we agreed that she should stay hidden, she is yearning to get out – and we both know how weak her self-control is. It's probably the only weakness she has. 

In the early morning hours, the howls die down, which would be the perfect time to sneak out. I have heard about a lake that is not far from the barracks – so I could get a swim, and she a run. Unfortunately the lake is situated closer to the pack house than the barracks. So we could get into trouble if we get caught. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and I need sleep. I tried my best to gather as much information about the runs as possible, but it seemed like there was no schedule and that everyone did as they pleased. The only thing I learned was that the pack was divided into groups that ran together, some consisting of family members, others were friends – and apparently these groups changed from time to time. It fascinates me that this pack can function so well despite the disorder.

The whole of today I walked around with a purring, complacent wolf – only because she knew that as soon as all the runs were finished tonight, she would get her turn.

* * *

A breeze was playing with the low hanging branches, carrying on it the faint scent of wolves. Everything was quiet, and all I could hear was my footsteps faintly pressing down on leaves and pine needles. I felt exposed in the open, but instantly calmed down when I reached the edge of the forest. The trees that filled the space between the barracks and the pack house were very dense, and I could hardly see the path, which I hoped I was still on. 

Would you mind showing the way. I reached towards her. A loud howl from within startled me to the point where I had to stop, to make sure that is was her and not another wolf nearby. Then my eyes started to burn, the sensation radiated into my skull, and an irritating itch flamed up within my nose. I closed my eyes and rubbed fiercely at my face. After wiping the tears away, I opened them again and I could see everything. Along with every leaf, rock and frog, I could see my pale feet as I carefully made my way along the faintly trampled trail. I was now looking through her eyes, and breathing in through her nose. I inhaled deeply, until my lungs ached – taking in all the scents that still lingered along the trail. 

I smelt the fresh water from the lake, before I heard it. When I finally reached the lake, I could feel myself smiling – clutching at the towel I lifted from the showers in anticipation. It was bigger than I ever could have imagined. It was marvelously huge. The excitement made my heart race – or was it her? 

She answered with another deep howl – closer to the surface and louder. First a swim and then you can do what you want. Silence. 

Her voice came to me, so close, it felt like she was whispering in my ear – Me first. The towel dropped from my hands and the lake started to fade into darkness. I don't know why I expected anything else. The burning and itching washed over me, like I hoped the water would, then I was gone. Confined to the small dark corner, yet again. 

I sighed, and took comfort in the fact that I will probably get some much needed rest when she's done.