Crossing Over

The Institution

“Panya, wake up!”

I open my eyes and see myself staring into a pair of deep blue ones. I try to think if where I am and suddenly I remembered my dream – the dream that has been haunting me since I stepped into the Institution. After making sure that I have myself back together, I quickly sit up and I rub a hand on my aching forehead.

“Is it the dream again?” a chubby young girl of seventeen is sitting beside my bed. Her long red hair is tied neatly behind her head with a simple brown elastic bond. She’s wearing our usual day-attire of gray blouse and knee length skirt of the same color. A pair of brown closed shoes completes her Institution uniform.

“Yes,” I answer. “I overslept, I’m sorry. What time is it, Walla?”

“Thirty minutes before the First Subject,” she answers. “They’re already clearing the Dining Hall so I thought to sneak your food here.” She points to a lonely-looking piece of sandwich and an apple sitting on my side table. “That’s all I can take. I wouldn’t be able to bring the bowl of onion soup here. They’re counting the bowls.”

I smile. Food is restricted in our Sleeping Quarters and I know that it already took her whole courage and skill to sneak the food up here.

Without wasting another minute, I grab the sandwich and apple to gobble it all up. All that time, Walla just stares at me apprehensively. I really can’t blame her. I’m her Partner so they will definitely question her mercilessly when she shows up in Subject without me. I feel guilty all of a sudden. Walla is a good Partner. She’s doing all of her best to do her Duties to avoid hauling me into being reprimanded. And all the while she also keeps her eye on me, making sure that I am able to follow my own Duties so that we’ll both be safe. I, on the other hand, can’t help myself but to sometimes forget or just ignore some of the things that I should be doing. Because of that, we are both being reprimanded. The Rules in the Institution tells us that if ever one of us fails we will both be punished because we are Partners. They always tell us that it will develop our trust and sense of responsibility for one another. But for me, it just brings strife and extreme baggage on the responsible one. I’m sure that Walla feels nothing of the sort towards me even though I’m a huge problem as a Partner. She’s not confident with herself that’s why she keeps on blaming herself for my own mishaps, which of course, brings so much burden to me. I’m the cause of her distress but she doesn’t blame me.

After eating and changing into my day-attire we both quickly go out into the hallways to follow the other girls from our Building towards the Subject Buildings. All of us are wearing the same outfit and the same style of hair. The only difference is our hair colors, heights and bodies. I feel Walla stepped closer to me. She’s always intimidated with these other girls since she’s quite fat. She doesn’t really mind what she looks like but here in the Institution it’s always taught that it’s proper to have a slim body for girls. They said being fat, though a certain person couldn’t probably help it if it’s in her genes or whatever, is a sign of Excess – a grave sin for us living in proper lifestyle of Necessities. I feel bad for Walla. She told me once that her parents and even her brothers back at home are all fat like her. She said her mother said it’s in their genes and no matter how little they eat (based on their rations) they still couldn’t lose the pounds. The only solution, they said, is to stop eating all together which is of course impossible since the Duties required of them would need strength from proper nutrition. The Government couldn’t change them so it just shows them as an example of Excess.

I feel a bitter taste rising inside me. The Government teaches us about Equality on us Ordinary Citizens and how to achieve it but they just turn a blind eye on this imposed Negative Public Opinion on people like Walla. They make justification of it by saying it is an exemption to the rule since it’s a good example of the Don’ts – a good visual example. People don’t taunt or ridicule Walla in public but they all know that she is a good visual example of an Excess. I can only feel pity for her.

Our First Subject is to learn about the Basic Governance of the Social Order. It is being taught in our last year in Education Institution. It’s just shows us the Branches and Departments of the Government and the basic tasks of each. It’s all boring for me. They keep on insisting that it is a good way to teach this to show people discrepancy on the way how the Social Order is being organized. We don’t argue about the content since there’s nothing to argue about. They’re just showing facts. But I very much have a problem with appropriateness of such governance. I know that this kind of Government only applies to us Ordinary Citizens but there’s another world out there for Advance Citizens. I know they have a different kind of governance among their Order. And I know it’s much better than ours. I can’t seem to think of a reason why there’s a distinction between us Ordinary and those Advance ones. I remember my mother once told my father that it’s hereditary. You’re from a poor family so you’re Ordinary; you’re from a rich family so you’re Advance. A huge line separates us.

After that we are brought outside to start our duties in Farming. So far, it is my favorite Subject because that’s the only time they stop bombarding us with questionable lectures. They teach us proper farming and I have no arguments on the information they’re giving since I can clearly see our vegetables growing luxuriantly with each new technique. I also like Farming because we go fend on ourselves with our tasks and that gives me time to think about a lot of things quietly. Also, it is the only Subject where they let us interact with the boys in terms of learning.

My eyes squint against the bright sunshine coming from the east. I barely heard Walla excusing herself to attend to the other end of the vegetable patch where her Farming Companion is already waiting. I am looking for my Companion. And sure enough, after a second, I spot him leaning already on the Leafy Vegetables Section. I quickly walked towards him.

“Weed Reduction Project,” he says when I’m already standing a few feet behind him. He must have heard my footsteps. “The card is on the fence.”

I take the Project Card from the fence and thoroughly read it. He’s right. We are assigned with Weed Reduction for two weeks in this Leafy Section. It’s an easy job since you don’t need to think at all while pulling weeds. I smiled.

“Hey, Hans,” I say to the only boy near me. “You’re perspiring already. How long have you been out here?”

Hans, my Farming Companion stands up and wipes a bead of perspiration from his eyebrow. In his whole nineteen years, I know Hans knows a lot more about life than me. He’s been staying in the Institution for two more years than I am and I know they’re already learning Career Subjects. They’re already probably even in the middle of their Career Assignments. I can’t ask him about any of their Subjects but I can tell he will do real well in any of it anyway.

“Since dawn,” he answers hoarsely. “We, boys, are now assigned half day in Farming.”

I grab a spade beside him and start to imitate what he is doing earlier. I notice that he already watered the soil so it’s easier to grab the weeds out. Suddenly, I feel Hans kneeling beside me, doing the same.

“I’ll be leaving,” he whispers.

I am startled. I am about to look up and see if he’s serious but I suddenly remember the security cameras watching out every move. I continue weeding while I rearrange my thoughts.

“What do you mean?” I ask my voice barely audible.

“I got my Assignment early,” Hans replies. “I get to finish this whole year then I’m out.”

I purse my lips. I’ve been living in this Institution since I was seven and even though I spend most of my time with other girls Hans has always been my best friend. I’m a troublemaker because I can’t seem to keep my mouth closed to avoid arguing with my Professors. Because of that, I am always being sent to Detention. They don’t ask us to do anything us punishment. Instead they just lock us up in a bare room for days depending on your crime. That’s where I met Hans. We’re in different rooms, of course, since boys and girls are not allowed to stay alone in a single room. However I noticed a small hole in one of the walls and that’s when I found out that it was Hans making that hole – a hole so that we can speak with each other. He said he’s also always being locked up so he thought about making this hole just in case somebody else is locked up beside his room. He said he gets bored just sitting alone so it’s better to at least have someone to talk to. So because of that I didn’t feel bad being detained. In fact, if I feel bored with the girls around me all I have to do is make up trouble and then I end up in Detention. Often times I will find him in the other room and then we’ll start talking to each other. He’s different from the others. Sometimes I felt like he’s more like me because he seemed to be questioning our destinies as well.

“But you can’t be out,” I try to argue silently. “We can only leave the Institution if we’re twenty one unless –“

I stop. I drop my spade and look at him. “You’re going training?”

Hans nods. “Yes. I get to Military Assignment.”

I shake my head and I go back to weeding, thinking hard. Of course, I’m happy for Hans because I know he’s not going to be assigned with some boring job in the Order. He actually wishes to be in Military. I know he’s going to be great in that field because he’s physically fit and I know his mind is perfectly well. He can handle all the pressure. However, I feel sad knowing that he’ll be leaving soon. I think I’m not prepared yet to say goodbye to my friend.

“Well, I hope you enjoy yourself,” I say, almost a mumble to myself. “You escape the onion broths earlier than expected.”

Hans chuckles quietly. “Well, yes. But I’ll sure miss your smart mouth.”

“Oh you can always find a smart mouth where you’re going.”

“But not as pretty as you.”

I turn red as an apple. I look around to make sure no one was listening and then I give Hans my full glare. We are not allowed to give physical compliments with each other. In fact, we are not allowed to be close to anyone of different s*x. There are just some activities, like Farming, that the Institution can’t avoid the mingling of boys and girls since it’s a Duty both can’t do without working with each other. Well, boys are always stronger than girls, they say. I can’t very well just carry sacks of fertilizers the way Hans can.

“Oh you know,” he continues. “There are no girls in Military. I’ll be spending my whole life with guys like me. I won’t be able to taunt them the way I do to you.”

“Why, thank you,” I say sarcastically. “I hope you enjoyed taunting me these past years. It’s been always a great pleasure.”

Hans laughs and then turns quiet. We continue to work on our weeding for the next fifteen minutes without disrupting each other. I occasionally steal a glance on his direction but all I can see is concentration on his features. I sigh.

“I guess it’s the best option, anyway,” Hans suddenly says. He stands up and stares on the weeds he had plucked. “At least I will never have a chance to submit my child on this hard Institution.”

“What do you mean?”

“If I enter the military I will never have the so-called ‘privilege’ of fathering a child.”

He’s right. Military personnel are not allowed to marry. In fact not all people are allowed to marry. It’s in the Government’s hands to decide who are allowed to marry. Sure, if you’re selected that you can marry then you have the power to chose who to marry but it’s only limited to those who are selected as well. It’s just like narrowing the selection. But the worst part in the arrangement is that only selected males are allowed to choose who to marry from the selected females. A female cannot argue at all. If it happens that two males selected the same female, then it’s the Government to decide who will marry who. I really don’t know the reason why males can choose and the females cannot. I know it’s a huge drama of Inequality but I try not to linger too much on that since it’s just a c***k of the ice from all the abuses we get from the Government.

But the freedom of marriage ends on that. If a male cannot choose a female the Government will assign one for him from the selected pool. I know that’s what happened with my parents.

“Well good for you,” I say. “I wouldn’t want to have children either.”

Hans removes his eyes from the weeds and looks at me. “You will marry, Panya. I know it.”

“How do you know? You’re not in the Marriage Selection Department of the Government.”

“I have a very strong hunch and it’s never wrong.”

“Well there’s a first for everything. I’m sure that will be your first hunch mistake. Besides I don’t want to marry anyone. I feel bad thinking about females being subjected into selection from males like we’re a bunch of cows preparing for slaughter.”

“You can’t stop it if that happens.”

“Oh I can,” I say. “I can always run away towards the provinces.”

A hush falls between us. We have only once discussed about that forbidden subject – about the provinces where runaways go. We don’t know what exactly kind of environment it has. We just know it is due North of the Land. We don’t even know if there are any survivals there because the Government keeps on bombing the whole place and sending Military to sweep the whole area clean. It’s a Top Secret Military Project I’ve heard.

It’s already lunchtime when the bells signaled the end of the Subject. I say goodbye to Hans and then I quickly search for Walla. We proceed to the Dining Hall where we are served with a bowl of steaming fish stew, a hard wheat-bread and a banana. I slowly eat mine while I watch Walla barely touching her food.

“Is something wrong?” I ask.

She just shakes her head. “I just wish I can lose some pounds.”

“What for? You look fine to me.”

“They’re discussing the Annual Advance Selection and I just thought it would be good if I get selected.”

I shake my head in disdain. “What does it have to do with you about losing pounds?”

“Oh, my Mama said I’m really pretty,” Walla says shyly. “I sent her my copy of Batch Picture and she saw me in the front row. I mean it’s not really hard to miss me since I’m fat. Anyway, she sent me a letter last week and she said I do have a pretty face. But of course that’s not enough for Advance Selection. You should be slim to accommodate all the uniforms they’ll be making.”

“I didn’t know you want to serve as a maid for those Advance Citizens.”

Walla peels her banana and takes a bite. “It’s better to be there than here. Imagine we can leave this gloomy place earlier. Besides, I’m sure I’ll just end up in some boring Order job after this Institution if I don’t get selected.”

“Well you better eat your food or you will be hungry later. I know you, Walla. You will need that food to compensate for the energy you spent earlier in our Subjects.”

“Oh don’t worry,” Walla says with a secret smile. “I can do just fine later if I get hungry.”

I choose to ignore my banana and just stare on my empty fish stew bowl. Walla’s right. If someone gets selected in the Annual Advance Selection she doesn’t need to finish her Institution Studies. After turning eighteen, she will be shipped to the Advance Society so that she can start her training. I know that if some Ordinary Citizen gets shipped there then there’s no turning back. I don’t think Walla will like being stopped altogether from contacting her parents. Maybe she’s just so desperate to escape this Institution that she’s doesn’t think anymore of the pros of being selected.

In the afternoon we are scheduled to take two more Subjects: Basic Math and Science. I’m not sure where I can use the knowledge of these things especially if I will just be assigned as a dishwasher or something in some government office. However, despite myself, I do enjoy learning some stuff. It helps me keep my mind off things not worth thinking about.

After dinner we are permitted to stay in the Recreation Area and mingle with the other people in the Institution, including the boys. There’s really nothing good to see in Recreation. I’ve already watched the Selected Movies a million times and I’m not interested in any of the Sports or Games. There’s a small library of Selected Books but lately I don’t find them entertaining. I only go to Recreation to accompany Walla and of course to check on Hans. After knowing that he’ll be leaving soon, I feel like I wanted to talk to him more often. Time is so precious.

The Recreation Area that night is a bit packed. I found out that Walla is right because I can still hear a lot of girls talking about the Annual Advance Selection. They keep on saying that only the prettiest will be admitted but they talk about it in whispers. We are not allowed to compare and think about our physical appearances since it’s an Excess of the mind, the Government said. But with this boring Institution, girls can’t help but think about stuffs like that. At least, I can see, the boys are more subdued and quiet. They don’t talk about appearances like girls. They don’t have Annual Selection, anyway. Just the girls.

I see Hans on the Reading Section, cradling a small book in his hands. I leave Walla and proceeded to him.

“What’s that?” I ask peering over his shoulder.

“Oh just a boring book about some sailor who lost his wits,” Hans said closing the book and putting it on the table in front of him. “What do you want to do?”

I take the seat opposite him and then I put my elbows on the table and placed my head on my hands. I am so bored. “Nothing,” I say. “I just want to see you. I feel bad when I think about you leaving.”

“We’ll all be leaving in the end, anyway, so why distress yourself? Hey, I just heard that the Annual Advance Selection’s next month,” Hans says.

“Well… yes. That’s the talk of the town. You won’t be leaving until then right?”

“No. I’ll finish this year. Besides, I’ll be leaving with the Advance Selection.”

That picks my interest.

“Oh? Why?”

“We get the training this year in Advance Society,” he explains. “They said there’s better facility there and good equipment. I guess that’s what’s going to happen starting this year. We’re all going to be shipped to Advance Society anyway after the training so why wait longer?”

I nod. I just forgot that Military Personnel will be part of the Advance Society as well and that means that once Hans get shipped I really won’t be able to see him anymore. I get so depressed.

“Do you have plans on Sunday?” he asks me.

“Aside from washing my clothes?” I say wrinkling my nose. “Nope.”

“I know this is not allowed but I want to see you on Sunday. I want to show you something.”

I sit straighter and look at him seriously. Hans, as far as I know, is the epitome of Disobedience. However, I find it weird for him to be taking risk on his last year in the Institution. If I get caught for sure they will just dump me in Detention but if he gets caught well, he will be dumped in Detention and his Assignment will be dissolved immediately.

“Even if I want to how will we be able to see each other?” I ask. “We are not allowed at all to mingle with boys on Sundays.”

“I know. But you do wash your clothes in the West River, right? We do the fences on Sunday just a few kilometers from the River so I guess you can sneak and come to the perimeter where I’ll be waiting.”

I glance anxiously around us. Nobody’s around. It seems like everybody’s busy with gossiping elsewhere.

“I’m not sure…” I murmur.

“Come on, where’s your sense of adventure? Nobody will miss you. You’ll be crowded in the river. We just have to make sure that you’ll be back before the designated Washing Time.”

“But what about you?”

“We have the whole day to lose ourselves on Sundays. We just have to make sure that we can go back before the Institution Curfew.”

“What is it that you want to show me? Can’t you just tell me now?”

He shakes his head. “I want to give it to you before your Annual Advance Selection.”

That night I can’t sleep well. I keep on thinking about Sunday and the Annual Advance Selection. I don’t know which bothers me most. I know I shouldn’t be bothered with the Selection. It’s just a freaky ceremony where they pluck the good looking flowers in the crowd. I am not ugly but I’m not pretty as well. I’m just plain looking with my long black hair and pale blue eyes. So if what they say is true about selection of “pretty” girls then definitely I’m at the bottom of the list. So that’s no worry. I don’t want to go to Advance Society anyway.

Then that leaves me thinking about Sunday. And I don’t want to think about Sunday.