Crossing Over

Confessions

I wake up the next morning with a splitting headache. Great, just what I needed. I know we are scheduled to meet the Advance Committee this morning and I have to be in my best behavior which means no expression at all. I don’t know if I can hide my grimace with what I’m feeling right now.

We skipped our routine in eating with the others in the Dining Hall. Instead all of the qualifiers are instructed to proceed to the Reception Area where we will dine with the Advance Committee. It’s another first since as far as I know the Institution absolutely avoids us making public humiliations of ourselves. They think our eating can be a public humiliation, that is.

The Reception Area is the biggest building in the whole Institution. It’s where thousands of seven-year-olds get oriented when they first arrive here. It’s also where they announce the Career Assignments of the Seniors on the last year of their stay in the Institution. I know the whole place can accommodate thousands. I can see there’s only around more than a hundred of us left so I’m sure there will be plenty of room.

I am right. I can see huge unused floor spaces when we enter the Reception Area but on the front part I can see a couple of long tables arranged neatly for our use. There’s a stage at the far end where I can clearly see one long table draped in red cloth which I guess would be for the Advance Committee.

Five minutes passed before we heard the distinct sound of footsteps coming from the other end of the Area. I can see a door open and the next second I can see the ten most wonderful looking people I’ve ever seen in my life. There are four males and all of them are wearing something that looks like white shirts covered with black coats and trousers of the same color. The women are much livelier looking since all of them as I can see are wearing long big, billowing gowns of different colors. I can see one in particular, the color of pale blue with gold trimmings on the waist and at the bottom of the skirt. I know those dresses are extremely expensive.

When the visitors are already seated I see Madam Olivia appears from the back door followed by Prose. Both of them took their places on the far end of the Committee’s long table. 

“Welcome,” he says. He has white hair but I’m sure it’s his natural-born hair color since I can see that he’s not that old. “Before anything else I know all of you must be famished. We can first start our breakfast, eh?”

He sits down and automatically the side doors of the Reception Area open and our breakfast is brought in by the Kitchen Staff, being wheeled in rattling aluminum carts. A woman places my tray in front of me and I can see that we get to eat better breakfast today. I have a bowl of chicken soup with lots of vegetables, a slice of an apple pie, a banana and even a glass of milk. I look around and I can see that everyone else have the same food except for Walla. I can see she has a bowl of some milky looking soup, a cracker, a rather small banana and a glass of water. I look at her face and I am expecting to see depression on her expression. However instead of that all I can see is firm determination on her features. She would need to control her diet from now on.

When we are all finish the Advance Committee man stands up again and beams on us. We are instructed before to remain impassive on our features so all he can get from us are boring eyes and attentive ears. He doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, he seems happier with our lack of enthusiasm.

“Congratulations on passing your Physical Test. I can see that we’re stepping closer to our goal in selecting the finest of you young people. To tell you honestly, from where I am standing, I think I can already see some promising selections. But of course we can never tell, eh?” he gives a hearty chuckle. I can see maple syrup at the side of his lips. I try to look anywhere but there. “So, I know you want to get things started now. Before anything else, however, I will just like to inform you that the five of us” He gestures to his colorful companions. “will be part of the Committee who will monitor all your Duties together of course with your Headmistress Madam Olivia and her assistant Prose. You don’t have to worry because I can assure you that all of the Duties will be easy. I mean for you of course since I know you’re all designed to do that. It’s just that we really need to get the best!”

“So, for the first Duty, Prose will be discussing it to you,” he ends. He sits down and continues eating. His companions seem to take the cue and they do continue their merry breakfast.

Prose stands up and looks at us. “For your first Duty all of you will be examined with your ability to simply serve and prepare basic necessities for those whom you will serve. This is a standard ability requirement for a Selection. We will need to determine your capability with the task and we will need to choose those who are among the best to do so. You will be given written instructions which you will need to study first for the first half of the day. No practice is allowed and no one will demonstrate what to do. This will also test your capability to understand and truly comprehend written instructions. The practicum will start at exactly one in the afternoon so all of you are required to be in the Reception Area by that time. You will be tested by groups of four. The result of the Duty will be announced later in the evening. Those who will pass the test will be endorsed to the Second Duty Examination for tomorrow. We are expecting you to give your best for today’s task.”

We are all ushered out the Reception Area after the announcement and as we pass by the doors, one by one, we are handed with a fifty-page reading material. I check my material and I can see my name written small on the bottom of each page. I think it’s a great waste of paper doing that since we won’t be able to keep it anyway, that’s for sure. They will need to just throw it away and then make another set for next year. I don’t believe they do much recycling in Advance Society.

We are allowed to roam anywhere in the Institution to study. The only off limit places are anywhere near the perimeter fence and places where we might disturb the other on-going Subjects. 

I choose to go to the Farming Section. I know I won’t be a disturbance to the production since I can just stay somewhere far from the working people. But I do wish I that I could get a glimpse of Hans.  I know he’ll be spending half of the day in Farming.

I find our usual spot in the Farming Section quite easily. I can even see Hans preoccupied with his task and I don’t think he’ll notice me at all unless I bounce right beside him. 

From the corner of my eye I can see the a few clusters of trees near our spot. It’s not that far but far enough to avoid detection by the roaming Professors in the main Farming Section. I quickly walk towards the most comfortable spot I can see and I drop down to start reading my papers.

I am just reading the first few pages when I feel a bit drowsy. The instruction is definitely text heavy and even though I can perfectly understand every word I can’t help but yawn a couple of times. The cool, gentle breeze doesn’t help either. Nor the soft, well trimmed grass where I am sitting upon. 

I can feel the increase of warmth around me, indicating time running out. I close my eyes and try to relax my mind for a couple of minutes. I try to envision the things that I am reading. It’s really simple. The only thing I will need to muster is how I’ll be able to act it with ease and refinement. I should not think about being watched by anybody so that I will not panic. I should feel like it’s the most natural thing to do in the whole world.

I gulp. I am definitely thinking like a proper slave.

“Panya?”

Startled, I look up and see Hans hovering over me, surprise clearly etched in his face. He’s perspiring but not too much, just enough to see the small beads of perspiration clinging on his temples and his shirt a bit wet on the usual places. His hands, as I can see, are both a bit dirty.

“What are you doing here?” I ask. I can’t help but grin myself. I know he’s also thinking about the same thing.

“Serf’s Farming Companion also attends the Selection Examination and he needs help in his area. I’m on my way there, actually. What are you doing here anyway? Aren’t you supposed to be parading in front of those Advance people?” he asks.

“I’m studying,” I say. Then with a sterner voice I add, “We will be parading later. But we need to study how to properly parade. You can’t expect us just to tromp there like a pack of hyenas.”

He smiles. “Well, I guess I better not disturb you then.”

A sudden thought pops in my head.

“Where is Serf assigned?” I ask.

“Mango Production in fruit section. Why?”

“Is that at the east end?”

He looks at me doubtfully as if weighing his words. He just nods.

“I want to help. I know the Professors don’t monitor that area,” I add when I see refusal in his eyes. “Besides, I’m almost done here and I need to stretch my muscles.”

“That’s not proper,” he says. “And this is Serf’s last year here. If we got caught he’ll be severely reprimanded. I don’t want to delay his freedom from here.”

“He’ll be a prisoner even out of this cage. I know Serf. I’ve been his Companion in my first year here in Farming. I mean, before he got promoted,” I say chuckling. We consider it “promotion” when people get assigned in far areas because they do not have the shadow of authority hovering over them every minute. They’re people who the Institution can trust a little for managing without their watchful eyes. “Come on. He must be waiting for you for ages.”

As I’ve expected, Serf’s first expression when he sees me is utter bewilderment. I give him my best reassuring smile and I know I’m just kidding both of us. However, I’m already here and there’s no turning back. Besides, I can already feel my excitement with working with my hands again.

“So what are we going to do?” I ask when we stop in front of Serf.

Serf looks questioningly at Hans who just avoids his eyes. Then Serf looks at me. “I don’t mind dying, you know, if ever we get caught. But I hate to spoil your chances of getting out of here,” he says.

“I don’t mind dying either,” I answer. “And for me that will be the best way to get out of all of this.”

He is still looking at me with complete disapproval. “You don’t need to think like that.” Then with a sigh he gestures to the empty crates behind him. “We’re doing some picking today. Pick mangoes, then drop it on the crates and then haul the crates to the delivery area. The sticks can’t reach the farthest mangoes so we need to climb from time to time. I know you’re a good climber so I don’t have a problem on that, though you can use some carefulness as well. But I do not want you hauling crates, okay? That stuff is heavy and I don’t want to break your back. Just leave them under the trees and then Hans and I’ll just pick it up.”

I want to argue but I know this is the best arrangement that I can get if I want to stay and help. “Sure, no problem.”

I quickly drop my reading materials on the table next to the crates and then take two crates. The two boys just watch me when I start to dump the crates under one of the trees. I get the picking stick and I start to do the job. In no time at all my surroundings dissolve around me and all of my thoughts are directed to my picking. I like it when my hands are busy with this kind of task. It keeps my mind free to think about what I’ve been reading earlier. I know it’s a good way to study.

I’ve already completed three trips climbing up and down when I feel my knees aching quite a bit. So when I am already up again I choose to rest a bit on one of the thick limbs. I can’t see much in my position since I’m surrounded by leaves and mangoes but I feel really good just sitting there. I feel like I’m hiding from the world and no one will be able to see me. For once I am able to find a place of complete serenity.

“Hey!”

I look down and I can see the Hans looking up at me.

“I just need to rest a bit. Don’t worry I’ll just finish this tree then I’ll be on my way,” I shout back. “Do you think you can help me a bit?”

“Sure. What do I need to do?” he shouts back.

“I just need another hand. Can you come up here and pick too? My fruit bag’s too small to carry more,” I say.

I watch as Hans climb smoothly up the tree. I have to admit that I admire the way his muscles stretch and contract with his effort to lift himself up the tree. I know he’s having a harder time climbing because of his bigger built and weight. I watch him haul himself up to the same branch where I am sitting on.

“You got a nice place here,” he says when he sits down beside me. “No wonder you’re taking lazy time sitting here.”

I punch him hard on the shoulders. “You should be grateful I volunteered.”

We both stand up and we start to pick the mangoes from branch to branch. I look at Hans occasionally to see if he’s doing okay with his picking. I can see that he’s fast with his hand. His only drawback is his speed on changing branches. 

For a change we decided to move upward instead of going down so that we can take leisure time when we’re done. We settle ourselves on the biggest branch on the topmost part of the tree when we are finished with picking. 

“What are you so happy about?” I ask curiously.

He looks at me and shrugs. “I’m not sure. But I guess I feel good sitting here with you. I feel like I’m lost to the world.”

“That’s exactly the same feeling that I had earlier. Serf’s quite lucky since he get to be assigned here. He can get himself lost with all these trees around,” I say.

A full minute passed before Hans speak again.

“You should do your best in your Examinations. It will be great if we get to go to the Advance Society together.”

I look down on my lap and sigh a little. “I hope I can get to see my parents before I leave. I haven’t seen them in years.”

“I’m not sure how Advance Selection works in terms of visiting parents before departure. I’m informed in my Military Assignment that we get to visit our parents for three days before leaving for good.”

“Well, I’ll just have to see what happens then. I’m not Selected yet so I think I shouldn’t bother too much thinking about it.”

Suddenly I can feel Hans’ warm hands on mine. I look at him with surprise.

“Do you still remember the first time when we met in Farming Subject?” he asks. He’s not looking at me. He’s looking down on our hands.

I try to hide my blush. I know Hans’ aware that his hand on mine is completely unacceptable. However, as much as I want to pull my hand free, I couldn’t do it. I can feel warmth radiating from his hands and I can feel security on it. 

“Of course,” I answer and I look away. I’m okay with touching hands but I don’t want to look at it. “You’re a grouchy malnourished bear back then.”

Hans chuckles.

I was fourteen years old when we first met. Serf, my first Farming Companion, was “promoted” and I get to be assigned with a new one. I’ve been in the Leafy Vegetables Section since I’ve first started my Farming Subject and I’m glad they’ll just assign me a new companion instead of moving me too. However, my face fell when I saw Hans walking towards me for the first time. He’s already tall back then but he’s thinner. He’s scowling when he saw me as if I’m a great disappointment. I just tried to ignore him the best that I could. But of course I couldn’t stay completely ignorant of him if we wanted to work better. We still needed to communicate accordingly. I was able to avoid talking to him in the first two weeks but in the end I needed to speak with him about something in Farming. The first time I spoke with him I noticed a change in his behavior. He looked at me as though he couldn’t believe a person like me existed. It’s much, much worse than his usual scowling.

“I know you’re thinking about my stupid behavior for the first weeks,” he says. “It’s really not because of you. I’m assigned in a place where we don’t have Farming Companions. They say that those who are assigned in those areas are people with authority problems. Well, you know me. If speaking the truth will make me a troublemaker then I won’t deny it. So, that’s where I came from. They don’t let us mingle with other people because they think complete work isolation is a severe punishment. I don’t care. I like working alone. No one will bother me and all I have to do is finish what I’m doing. Then suddenly they told me that I will be assigned elsewhere and I’ll get a Farming Companion. Back then I really hate working with somebody. It will require talking to that person. I don’t have a good experience with other people when I’m younger so I don’t expect it to be better when I’m assigned with somebody. Then I saw you. I know it’s the worst thing that could happen to me. At least I think I can handle working with a boy as well. We don’t like talking too much so it won’t be a nuisance. But a girl!”

I scowl. I’ve already forgiven him with his bad behavior back then. However, hearing him speaking about the reason behind it makes me annoyed. I know I’m not talkative so he doesn’t have a reason to generalize our s*x like that.

He keeps on talking. “So, I’m really not mad at you because of you personally. I’m just annoyed with being paired to a girl, or any girl for that matter. That’s why I tried to avoid you. Then one day you spoke to me...”

“Excuse me,” I interrupt. “We are talking to each other whenever we’re in detention, remember? In our secret hole? You couldn’t expect me to be a boy back then, huh?”

He smiles. “I’m a weird person, I guess.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Well, I don’t know how to say it properly but I’ll do my best in explaining. Generally, yes, I don’t like girls too much. In fact, I don’t like anybody too much. Well, except my parents, of course. I’m just not into socializing. It’s just that I’m biased when it comes to s*x. I can tolerate boys since I’m a boy, but girls are totally different.”

I understand his reluctance in socializing. I’ve already figured it out back then. He arrived in the Institution expecting something good out of all the people. He expected to have close acquaintances. A good relationship he had just like with his parents. He doesn’t have any brothers or sisters so I know he’s looking for something close to that. However, he’s vocal in voicing out his intentions of making friends. He wasn’t aware that it’s like a prison in here where you get to study and work, nothing else. He’s an affectionate child and he tells everybody about his feelings and intentions. He said he even mentioned something about “love”. That’s the reason why he’s always reprimanded. That’s the reason why other people chose to ignore him so as not to be infected with his so-called ‘authority problem’. That’s when he started to change. He started to get bitter about socializing. He made a secret hole in Detention to try again to speak with somebody and check if there’s still hope. He gets to speak with others in Detention but it didn’t meet his expectations of having friends. He realized that they only spoke with him because they’re bored. Once they’re out, they’re back to silent treatments. He wasn’t able to make good friends. It was worse with the girls for him. They don’t speak with him at all unless needed.

“But when I first spoke to you in Detention, I know you’re different. For one thing you didn’t object on having a secret hole. Others complain first about the hole. They said I shouldn’t have done it since it’s illegal. They’re just afraid of reporting it because they are afraid that they’ll be blamed. Then when they get bored they get to talk to me. Others just ignore it completely like it doesn’t exist. That’s fine with me. I can ignore them perfectly so there’s no problem. But you’re different. You’re fascinated with the hole. You said it’s a good thing that there’s a hole there so that you can speak with somebody while you’re detained. You tell a lot of stories to me back then,” he says.

“No, I don’t” I protest. “I don’t like talking. You’re imagining things.”

“You don’t like talking when you’re older, but you’re a kid back then. You’re younger than I was. You did tell me something about your life, and even something about your reservations in the Institution. I’ve thought I’ve met a good friend at last. I tried to ignore that you’re a girl. I just tried to envision you as a boy with a girly voice.”

“I’m not sure how to take that,” I snap.

“Hey, don’t get mad. I’m trying to explain things.”

I choose to remain silent.

He continues. “Then suddenly I get appointed with a girl Farming Companion. I’m fixed with my opinion of snob girls so you’re not different for me back then. I avoided you as much as I could. I know it will not stay long because we will need to speak with each other occasionally. But I was totally unprepared when you first spoke with me.”

“I just asked you if you could bring me some fertilizer. The wheelbarrow wasn’t working and I can’t carry it on my back. What’s wrong with that?” I ask.

 He shakes his head in exasperation. “There’s nothing wrong with that. But you see, I recognized your voice then. I realized you’re my Detention Companion.”

I blink. “I never knew that you were my Detention Companion until only recently. That was when we were both dumped in Detention together.”

“Yes, I know,” he says. “But I knew you were my Detention Companion years back. I know you didn’t recognize my voice when we first spoke personally. But I did recognize your voice. I was surprised because I wasn’t expecting to meet you. I didn’t know what to do. You were so lively when we were talking with each other in Detention, but in person I saw that you’re quite reserved. I decided not to tell you that I was the one you were talking to in the secret hole. I wanted to make sure that you’re genuine in real person. That’s when I changed my behavior towards you. I tried to be more cordial. Then slowly I know you’re beginning to relax around me as well. I began to see that you’re real.”

I just listened to his speech. I can still feel the warmth of his hand.

“Why are you telling me this?” I suddenly ask.

“I’m really not sure,” he says quietly. “I guess I just want to tell you that I haven’t forgotten about you at all, even when my Detention trips lessened. Even if we both go on separate ways in the future I will still remember you. I’ll recognize your voice.”

“But it’s a big world out there, Hans. Even if you do remember me it doesn’t mean you can find me.”

He looks at me sadly. “If you want me to go looking for you, as long as you believe I do remember you, I promise I will find you.”

For the first time I made a move in touching him. I put my other hand on top of his and squeezed it reassuringly. I know he has the will to go looking for me, but it’s another matter if he really can do it.

I look away. I want to avoid his gaze when a sudden thought occurred to me.

Hans’ is my best friend. I admit I like him a lot. I know he likes me too. But suddenly, I’m afraid it’s not good enough for both of us.