Dear Kate

5

Summer, June 17th

Dear Kate,

It's been an interesting week Kate.

I've been spending my days mostly baking and getting to know Tyson more. He's been working a lot but he always finds time to message me. We're constantly sending messages throughout the day as well as spending hours on the phone at night. It's surprising to me. I've never met a guy before that draws my attention the way he does, that has me wanting to speak to him every moment of the day. I've already grown accustomed to his messages and gentle flirting. He makes me smile with the simplest of compliments and sweetest emoticons.

Tyson had asked me out to dinner tonight. I was excited but mostly nervous. The thought of seeing him always makes my hands shake and my heart race. I've yet to determine if its anything I should be concerned about. Usually I'd have asked you Kate but, things are different now.

Tyson had asked for me to meet him at Steve's Diner again. Mom had given me a lift. She had asked me again tonight if I was ever going to drive again. I'm not sure I'm ready yet, or if I'll ever be after what happened.

I had arrived at the diner before Tyson, at seven like we had agreed upon. I had waited for him outside on the street. The air was humid and I hated that it had caused a sheen of sweat to dampen my hair that I'd spent almost an hour straightening and styling for the date. Tyson had arrived ten minutes late, apologizing and blaming the poor taxi service. I'd shrugged and walked after him into the diner.

Tyson is a gentleman, something I'm beginning to appreciate. As possibly outdated as it may seem, there's something endearing about Tyson's traditional gentleman behavior. I never thought I'd appreciate a man always wanting to pay and insisting on opening doors but, with Tyson, it makes me feel cared for.

Dinner had been an interesting affair. Our conversation had started out simple and casual, that was until past relationships came up. It was meant to be a simple question but I'm beginning to regret ever asking Tyson about his dating history. I knew he'd had more experience than me, I had just never anticipated how hard it'd be to hear.

Tyson was engaged. It has only been four months since he ended his engagement. I'm still trying to process the information. He'd told me about his relationship with his ex and from what he had told me, it wasn't a good relationship. He'd been with her for two years; though they'd had their moments where they'd broken up and then got back together again. He'd described her as young, temperamental and jealous.

He'd explained how all they would ever do was fight. I know what you'd be thinking if you were here. Why did he propose to her then? I had asked him and he'd simply replied, "She'd been hinting how she wanted to get married so I did it to get her to stop. I didn't mean it and a month after I proposed, I ended things. I didn't love her anymore. We weren't good together. All we did was fight. She never trusted me and I never trusted her. It felt like the only thing that was good between us was the s*x. I wanted more and someone better."

My mind is still reeling Kate. He'd sounded sincere and I emphasize with him but, I'm feeling conflicted. He'd mentioned how their relationship had started meaning less to him and that he had often cheated on her. I know the saying about cheaters and I'm wondering if with him he'll prove the truth in it or not. I'm contemplating whether I should stick around and find out or not.

I know I shouldn't blame him for his past but I've always been a firm believer that our pasts determine who we are in the present and guide our actions for the future.

I had asked him if there were any other past relationships I should be aware of and I wish I hadn't. I can still see Tyson in my mind as he'd told me. He sat beside me on a booth seat, his arm stretched out behind my back while the other hand held mine. He'd looked tortured as he spoke. He hadn't looked at me once, his eyes rather staying staring at nothing in front of him.

"Eight years ago," he had started. "I was staying in Brooklyn when I'd met a girl at a restaurant I was working at. She was a waitress there and we often spent our breaks together. A couple months after I'd started there, we began dating. Fast forward to six months later and she was pregnant. I was the father. I was twenty and living on my own but, she was only eighteen and still living at home with her parents. Her parents were strict and completely against our relationship from day one. She was scared and so was I. I wasn't ready to be a father but I knew that; despite my feelings, I needed to own up to my mistake. I was ready to take responsibility for my actions. She wasn't though. I eventually found out a couple months later that her parents had forced her into having an abortion. I often wonder what my child would have been like and how different my life would be right now if she hadn't done that. We didn't last after the abortion."

I remember being completely shaken by his story. I had tried not to cry. He had turned to me then, completely terrified of my reaction. I was conflicted. I felt sympathy for him for having gone through something so painful but, I also felt hurt and betrayed at knowing that he shared such an intimate history with another girl. Looking at Tyson though, I knew what emotion I had to focus on. He was shaking, terrified of the rejection he thought would be coming his way.

I didn't want to hurt him.

I had squeezed his hand and had simply said, "I'm sorry you had to go through that. It couldn't have been easy." Tyson had relaxed instantly at my words; though I sense he had seen something on my face that worried him.

Tyson had looked at me with concern and had asked, "What is bothering you? You can ask me anything and say anything. Please be honest with me."

I knew that what was bothering me was the betrayal I felt as well as the gnawing realization that I was most likely not the girl for him. His story had had me thinking if I was good enough for him, if he'd even want someone such as me, someone so grief stricken she hides in her room most days; someone who had practically no dating experience.

I didn't say any of that. Instead I asked him, "Do you still speak to any of your exes?" I wish I hadn't asked him.

He had seemed surprised by my question but had quickly shaken his head. "No. I don't speak to any of them. I'm not friends with any of them. Why do you ask?"

I had shrugged and tried my best to deflect the question and hide my insecurities. "I just wanted to know."

We had finished dinner shortly after that conversation. It was only when I'd got home two hours ago that Tyson had sent me a message that started a conversation I wish never happened.

His message simply read: Why did you really ask if I'm still in contact with my exes?

I had thought I'd dodged the potential disaster from this question earlier but, it seemed he wasn't easily fooled. I had contemplated ignoring the question but I had been convicted by what we'd agreed upon on our first date- to always be honest to one another.

I had decided to be open; though I was terrified.

I was just wondering if any of your exes were still in the picture. I'm not sure I like the idea of you still speaking to someone you used to date. It's not that I don't trust you or I'm trying to be possessive. It's just that, I can't help but wonder if your history with the person will mean I lose you. I can't compete against someone who you share a child with, even if that child was never born. There's history between you and your ex but, you've only just met me. I don't stand a chance against anyone you have such an intimate past with.

It had felt good to open up to him and tell him how I'd felt hearing about his past. I didn't want to be someone who held his past actions against him but it was hard to ignore the reality of it all. I believe Tyson isn't the same, irresponsible twenty year old he was but, I couldn't ignore that at one point in time, he was an irresponsible twenty year old.

I had waited ten painfully long minutes for his reply. When my phone had beeped, my heart had fallen into my stomach.

I'm hurt Beth. I'm hurt that you'd ever think there was a competition between you and my exes. They're exes for a reason; though that's not the point. Beth, you need to understand something. I am crazy about you. I know we haven't been seeing each other long but you must know that I've been crushing on you for some time now. I've seen you around town and I've heard a lot about you from Peter. You're everything I've ever wanted in a partner. Getting to know you has been the greatest gift and it has only had me falling for you more. You must know how much it hurts me to know you think I'd choose anyone over you. I am completely and crazy in love with you and I don't want anyone else. No one else compares to you. There's no competition. You're it for me. I want no one else.

I had read his message hundreds of times. My mind is screaming only one thing: I am completely and crazy in love with you.

Is it crazy Kate? Should I be concerned that after such a short time, he's already in love with me? Is it right to be feeling scared by his words, to be panicked and worried? I want to feel flattered but rather his words have me hyperventilating. I should be glad that a man as sweet, caring and romantic like Tyson is in love with me, but rather I'm scared. It all seems to be happening too fast.

It all seems unreal at this point. I'm not sure what to say or what to feel. I wish you were here to help me Kate. I need your sarcasm to ease my anxiety and your never failing logic and wisdom.

Tyson wants to see me tomorrow. I think he knows his words have scared me.

Wish me luck Kate.