Five Years After

Big Zorro

CARA's POV

 Nobody moved or spoke. Not a peep. Not even the crickets. Jaxx was looking at me as he sat on his heels, his legs open. Justin was standing in between covering his mouth and looking at my phone, which lay on the floor, shattered.

 What was Jaxx doing here? How did my son end up showing his eyes to his father? Alam ba ni Jaxx na his eye condition had a familial tendency? Who am I kidding, of course, alam niya! I bet he’s studied it before out of curiosity.

 F**k. I’m so screwed. Has he concluded anything? I bet he has.

 “Cara, what the f**k is going on?” his voice was almost a whisper, enunciating each word slowly. His eyes were pleading, full of unshed tears. There was anger and confusion on his face, but also hurt and betrayal. His guard was down; he did not know what to do. He was so lost. Just like me.

 Hindi ako makapagsalita.

There were just so many things I wanted to say I didn’t know where or how to begin. The sorrow and the confusion in his eyes were overwhelming. The depths of the pain his eyes were like oceans that opened up and I was drowning in them.

This wasn’t how I planned for them to meet. Do I start with an apology? Basta ko na lang ba ibubunyag na anak nya si Justin na walang pasabi?

I don’t know how I remained standing when the heaviness in my chest was unbearable. It felt like the whole world crashed on my shoulders and was currently crushing my chest. I wanted to die seeing how much suffering I had brought this broken man kneeling in front of me.

 He ran his fingers over his eyes, wiping the tears that had been falling. 

Gusto ko syang yakapin. I wanted to take away the pain. Ako may kasalanan ng lahat, I made him go through this agony. Ang sakit sakit makitang nasasaktan sya. But I didn’t want him to give up on his dream because I knew that he would regret it.

I didn’t plan on keeping Justin a secret from him. I need to make him understand that I did not mean to keep Justin away from him for so long. Pero bakit ko nga ba ginawa?

 Kasi duwag ako.

I wanted to touch him. I miss him so much. He was less than ten feet away. He was so near, yet still so far.

Derek cleared his throat after what felt like a full ten minutes, “Ma’am, kami muna rito. Balik na lang kayo mamaya. Tapos na ba ang chemo ni Ms. dela Vega?”

 “Opo doc, hydration na lang po.”

 “Okay, ako na bahala rito.” The nurses quickly left and Derek moved to do his work.

The patient leaned back on the bed but continued to watch us. Her eyes were welling up with tears. She looked oddly familiar. I think she was the lady who sponsored the Cancer Awareness party with Reese last April. But Derek introduced her as Ms. Estrella. As I continued to scrutinize her, I wondered why Jaxx was in her room.

 Ms. dela Vega? Dela Vega?? OH. MY. GOD. Estrella dela Vega.

 “Mamá, are you alright?” Jaxx stood up and checked on the patient.

 D**mit, of course! That’s why she looked familiar! The last time we saw Jaxx’s mom was noong high school graduation ni Jaxx and she had a head full of dark brown hair and she was healthy. Her skin was glowing and her eyes were sparkling. Jaxx’s parents were never married, that’s why his mom kept her maiden name. She was a socialite and her family was popular among the Españols of Manila, if there was such a social clique.

 Now she had a bandana and a facemask, her skin was sallow and her hairs had fallen. Her eyes were still twinkling but it was now because of tears.

 “Dr. Cara. It’s nice to see you again.” She smiled weakly.

 “Tita Ella…” I gasped, “I… I’m sorry.. I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you sooner.” I walked to the side of the bed opposite where Jaxx was standing and holding her hand.

 “I thought you had just forgotten.” The corners of her eyes crinkled.

 “Oh no, I couldn’t! I just… ang tagal po natin hindi nagkita. And… I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.” She just nodded. Jaxx just stared at the IV bag behind me as he clenched his jaw.

 “We met last April, right? That time after the party when you told me you taught my son Spanish.” I tried to make it up to her. I had not forgotten about her. Or her son. It’s just that I haven’t seen her for so long and the change was drastic. No wonder she was offended when I showed no sign that I knew her.

 “Yes, that was me but you didn’t recognize me then.”

 I apologized again and she accepted it. She knew she looked different but I still could sense the hurt in her voice.

 I tried to remember what happened then. I remember seeing a black X5 in the parking lot. Was Jaxx there, sitting and waiting for her? Did he see Derek and me? Did he see Justin?

 “Mommy? Is he… is he my dad?” Justin squeaked and I was pulled out of my thoughts.

 Napaluha ako sa tanong nya. There was just too much happening right now.

 Napakadali naman ng sagot pero hindi ko magawang sagutin. Kay tagal niya nang hinintay na makapiling daddy niya. He looked expectantly at Jaxx. He seemed to want to be with his dad so much he was just holding back. I think he already figured it out. There was so much longing in his eyes, I did not want his little heart to break.

 Tatanggapin ba siya ni Jaxx? I will never forgive myself if Jaxx will reject Justin to his face.

 “Justin, anak --”

 “Don’t. Don’t answer that while I’m here. I can only take so much.” Jaxx cut me off firmly without looking at me. The vulnerability that was there was now covered behind a thick wall. The emotions that were freely flowing now turned into ice.

 “I think you need to go home now, little chacal.” He said softly to Justin as he crouched and handed him a toy car.

 “Will I see you again, big zorro?” my son asked meekly. As Jaxx’s eyes widened in surprise, I was sure mine was about to pop out of their sockets.

 “Puede que sí. Puede que no. Quizá.” [Maybe yes. Maybe no. Maybe] Jaxx choked on his reply while tenderly moving Justin’s hair away from his eyes.

 “Maybe.”

 My thoughts had been all over the place and I’m slightly surprised na wala pa akong morbidity habang nag-oopera akong lutang. I had been crying every night after that encounter. I think I’ve cried enough to fill the La Mesa Dam it’s a wonder I haven’t died of dehydration. Yet.

 Hindi ko alam bakit hindi ko pa rin nasabi. Sana man lang tumango ako nang matapos na to at magkaalaman na. Then, as Ace put it, the ball is in Jaxx’s court. Pero since I didn’t do anything but stall, there was still no resolution.

 Justin had also been keeping to himself since that day. When I’d ask him how his day was or how school was, he would just say it was okay, or it was fun, but he didn’t elaborate. He didn’t talk as much as he used to. He did not ask me to tell him stories about his dad. He also did not ask to see his pictures anymore. I think he already knew and he was hurt that Jaxx did not want to know the answer to his question.

Bakit ba kasi nakinig ako sa kanya when he said na ‘wag kong sagutin ‘yong tanong? Hindi naman ako nakinig sa kanya dati when he said na “please pick up your phone”, or “please read your messages”, lalo na nung sinabi niya na “please check the package”. Hindi naman ako nakinig noon bakit ang bilis kong tumahimik at sumunod sa kanya ngayon?

 D**mit, Cara! I never did listen when it counted.

 But it wasn’t an outright rejection, right? He said maybe. Maybe he will see him again. Maybe yes, maybe no. But it was “maybe”, not “no”.

 L**he, nag-e-Español pa kasi sila hindi ko kaagad na gets ano sinasabi niya!

 “Babe, ilang linggo mo nang hindi nililinis higaan mo?” Kaloy broke my concentration as we were doing a laparoscopic cholecystectomy. I was the primary surgeon and Kaloy was the first assist. Dr. Montebon was sitting behind the curtain with the anesthesiologist, probably doing his crossword puzzle. He had been silent from the start and I was determined to keep it that way.

 Ibig sabihin kasi noon, he approved of whatever was happening during the surgery. If wala na syang ma comment from start to finish, ibig sabihin na-perfect ko na yung procedure. Ibig sabihin, pwede na akong gumawa noon mag-isa, ibig sabihin, achievement unlocked!

“I change my sheets weekly. Kakapalit ko lang noong Sunday. Bakit?”

 “Baka kailangan mo nang palitan ulit. Gabi-gabi ata kinkakagat ng ipis mga mata mo e,” he deadpanned.

 I heard a snort from behind the curtain as the scrub nurse coughed. Leche.

 “Diba may meeting mga chief residents ngayon? Sir, pakitawag si Dra. Cortes. May meeting pang aattendan to si Dr. Clemente.”

 “Yung bedsheets ang kailangan palitan, hindi ang assist,” He rolled his eyes at me. “May listening and comprehension exercises ba kayo nung elementary?”

 “Kaloy, shut up.”

 “Sana nakinig ka noon. It’s an important life skill.”

 “I didn’t ask.”

 “Sana ipractice mo paminsan-minsan.”

 “Sana tumahimik ka na.”

 “Sana makuha ang gallbladder in one piece.”

 “Sana mag-assist ng maayos.”

 “Sana pagbutihin ang pag-tie,” A deep, manly, melodious voice said.

 I opened my mouth to retort but stopped when I realized hindi si Kaloy ang nagsalita. I momentarily stopped and looked at Dr. Montebon who lazily gave me a nod and returned to his crossword puzzle. I could see Kaloy’s smug face behind the mask.

 Nag-uunahan kami tatlo ni Jas and Kaloy kung sinong unang makaka-unlock ng level na yon. Today was supposedly my day until my prick of a batchmate decided to distract me!

 L**he! Nagsalita si Dr. Montebon! Sira na buong araw ko!

 I stopped trying to conceal my puffy eyes. Naubos na concealer ko and no matter how hard I try, obvious pa rin naman na namumugto mga mata ko. To alleviate the symptom, we have to find the cause and treat it.

 I already found the cause. He was standing in front of me not two weeks ago. Pero hanggang ngayon I still haven’t treated him.

 Now that Justin had seen Jaxx, I felt more pressured to introduce them, to tell Jaxx the truth. Kasi mukhang tanggap na siya ni Justin, in fact, I think Justin whole heartedly wanted him to be his dad. I have no idea why.

 He has never acted that way with Derek or any of the boys. Sure he said he loved them, pero he didn’t look so attached to them the way he was to Jaxx. I don’t know if it was the first time they met but  for Justin to call him the big fox when Jaxx called him his little jackal, that was something none of us expected. Justin never called anyone any endearment. That was the first.

 Justin’s birthday was fast approaching. His birthday wish last year was to meet his dad. I wasn’t able to fulfill that. Akala ko naman kasi madali lang yung wish niya, I had to retract my offer. This year he hadn’t mentioned anything yet, but I’m sure it’s the same wish.

 I want to make it real for him. I want him to finally meet his dad and call him dad to his face. I wish Jaxx would find it in his heart to accept Justin. Kahit si Justin lang, wag na ako.

But I really wouldn’t mind if pati ako tanggapin niya at mapatawad. It’s an uphill battle, a tough row to hoe. But hoe it, I will.