The hunter

Chapter 4

I know that feeling all to well myself, the guilt that torments you, losing your parents at any age leaves a scar. Losing someone you love, when you are powerless to save them is such a painful cut which never fully heals. Looking into the distance I noticed one tree in the middle of the meadow, this tree was a beautiful weeping willow, it was almost is if it was placed as a monument to pain and sorrow given the name that it’s called by. Watching as the breeze stirred the branches, as if the breeze was awakening anyone who looked at it to remember there own personal sorrow.

Understanding only to well his pain, but my experience was so different, I was weak and powerless and I failed them, when I should have protected them, atleast when my parents passed I had memories of them. When losing a child you have nothing, just the broken remanents of hope, never being able to know who they where, how they looked, never being able to hold them in your arms and cherishing them for the miracle that they are.

It’s been over a year since I lost them, the worst part was knowing the one that killed them was there own father. Even now the pain is still so raw, the guilt never leaves me, I only wish I could turn back the clock that fateful day. Ben still haunts my every waking thought, never knowing if he will resurface from the depths that have hid him so well. In the beginning I believed I loved him, he was charming, romantic I felt as if he was offering me the world. His façade was shedded the moment he knew he had me, the way a snake sheds its skin where it’s outgrown the shell it once resided in. I never saw it coming though, oblivious to the growing signs that where becoming ever present in our life together. The naviety of my past experiences left me with such limited insight, he was controlled by alcohol, turning him from Jekyll to Hyde before my very eyes. He was in and out of jobs as often as the seasons changed, never questioning it but feeling empathy for him, as if he was the victim of poor management. How was I supposed to know that his drinking would consume his every waking moment, I was blind by it all.

When his mood was bad it was as if being hit by a tidal wave as much as you see it coming the full force of it, knocks over everything in its path.

He was no fool, and always made sure to hit where no one could see it, the way his tone would become acidic towards me. His words would leave a nasty sting and could knock the wind out of you, where they where full of such poison and hate. I started to believe everything he said, losing all self worth within myself. Looking in the mirror instead of seeing a beautiful person I saw someone that was fat and ugly believing I was stupid and incapable of achieving anything in life. Even though I held down a well respecting job and always ensured I went the extra mile, to prove to my boss that I was faithful to the company. Starting to believe every word, where he’d scream at me telling me I had no common sense and was just a fat lazy cow who was incapable of doing anything right. Living in fear when I would come back home from work and realise he was out, praying that he was working late or spending time with a friend anywhere, but not at a pub. Stumbling through the front door, as soon as I went to greet him I could smell the putrid stench of alcohol coming from him. His eyes that where a muddy brown had that glossed over look and his mouth would turn into a sneer, telling me I was ugly and needed to work harder at my make up. Telling me that I was lucky to have him because he was such a desired man.

Anytime we where out I could see the effect he had on women, when stood at the bar they would caress his arms looking into his eyes smiling, flirting I began to question why he chose my feeling I was the lucky one. The green eyes of jealousy rose in me on occasion at home when I heard him on the phone to a women. Questioning him, challenging him on why he could not put his phone down. Then I would be met with a glass being thrown at me smashing into shards in front of my feet. Ben would almost rush over, as if he was a bull about to tackle his victim and knock me to the floor winding me. He’d then reach out and pull me to my feet, only to then backhand me at the side of my head the pain was brutal in that instant and left a burning feeling. Sometimes I tried to fight back but that only made it worse, he would drag me into the bedroom locking me in there after smacking j upside the head several times. Other occasions I would grasp my phone trying to call the police, to have the phone torn from my hand as roughly as possible then smashed against the side of the wall.

In the end I gave up buying expensive devices and settled for a cheap and cheerful handset because the never stood a chance against him.

Then came one morning where I couldn’t stop being sick any smell in front of me instantly triggered me. Not thinking to much of it at the time until going through my draw’s putting clean underwear away that I realised that i had not had my period for over a month. Sat in the bathroom waiting for the results of the pregnancy test, all to soon confirmed why I was feeling the way I was. For something that was meant to be a joyous moment, was instead a moment of pure fear, I just held me knees crying uncontrollably. When he later returned home I gave him the news expecting to be screamed at, to find he was overjoyed. He turned back into the man I fell in love with and I was hopeful, thinking maybe all that had taken place would be just some distant past memory. Fearng to tell work to soon in case of jinxing anything, I booked the day of at my ten week scan, checking my phone as we where meant to meet outside the hospital I couldn’t see him. Deciding to call, in case he was held up in traffic the call was disconnected. Not being able to wait any longer, I went in by myself, the tears in my eyes during the ultrasound where they allowed me to listen to the heart beat. Watching them on the ultrasound screen, seeing this beautiful white ethereal being I felt a love that was so pure that I had never felt before.

Making my way home, as soon as I stood by the front door I was overcome with a sense of fear and dread. Wishing so much that I had paid attention to that gut feeling but instead, ignored it and went inside. There was shoes and clothes leaving a trail up the stairs, in that instant the view before me confirmed that he wasn’t being faithful after all. The noise coming from out room was that of two lovers caught up in the very throes of passion, couldn’t bare it I wanted to cover my ears, but I knew I had to deal with this head on I could no longer hide from it. Running up the stairs fighting the urge to cry I stormed into our bedroom to find some red head with her back to me moaning loudly whilst he was calling her his naughty, naughty girl, had to fight the urge at vomiting, realising how repulsed I was by it all. Finding me voice screaming at him, telling him he was a liar, that after all his s**t my jealousy was not so trivial after all. Demanding they both get the hell out of my house and to go and find somewhere the could shag themselves stupid. I then ran out the room and headed downstairs to the kitchen, I didn’t want to look at them any longer. Sitting at my table feeling so defeated I could hear both there heavy footfalls, then I heard the door slam praying that they both had left.

Looking up he was standing in the doorway, with this look of pure hatred and anger, before he was able to say anything. I screamed at him demanding his key back, telling him to get out my house and that I would pack up his s**t and call him when I had put it outside for him to collect. Making a mental note to get the locks changed as soon as possible. Throwing his key at me, he proceeded to storm out and slammed the door so hard I could hear the letter box slam with it. Not wanting to go into my room I shared with him I went into my parents room and climbed under the covers and just cried myself to sleep. I awoke to my phones ringtone, the room was pitch black and my phone started to flash up looking a the screen to over thirty missed calls from Ben, then saw the numerous messages, where I as being called a w***e, and to come down and speak with him before he started to break the door down. The clock on my phone announced it was well after midnight, and fearful he would wake my neighbours I went down to the door. I was shaking and again I head this gut feeling of impending danger, at that ver moment and time I was a lamb heading to the s*******r. Before unlocking the door, I put the chain on praying that it would prevent him from entering, how foolish a thought that was. He pushed he door with such force that the chain broke and the door slammed into the wall. Before I was even able to react his hands where at my throat and I was being pinned up against the wall. I will never ge over his face In that moment and time his eyes where no longer brown but black, his eyebrows drawn into such a look of anger and hate his mouth set in a hard pressed line. I was dangling of the floor as if I was a rag doll, trying t free myself I couldn’t pry his hands away, In a moment of sheer desperation I dug my nails into him as hard as I could and h

I was dropped to the floor. Taking in gulps of air, the pain trying to swallow was excruciating he then backhanded me across the face so hard I smacked the opposite side of my head against the floor.

In a moment of sheer desperation I kicked out a him with such a strength, I never knew existed within me. He hit his head against the opposite wall, I felt dizzy trying to right myself so I crawled out the door way and forced myself up with the assistance of the door frame and I started to run.

Whilst running down my driveway I realised the neighbours on either side were not in, from the telltale sign of there driveways being empty. To afraid to look back I kept running looking for a light to be on downstairs in a house. Out of nowhere I heard my door slam shut and then I felt an almighty force tackle me to the floor my skin burned from being grazed he preceded to roll me over. The smell of alcohol reeking from his whole body, he pulled my up from the collar of my top and reigned slap after slap the force of this caused me ears to pop and a pain tore through one of my ears reaching down my jaw.

He threw me to the ground as if I was used piece of rubbish, righting himself he then proceeded to kick me in the abdomen. A new excruciating form of pain began and it felt as if I had wet myself, I tried to protect myself going into the fetal position whilst his blows continued I tried to scream out but the pain residing in my throat would not allow it. I was struggling to maintain consciousness now and the darkness was wrapping me up in a warm blanket as if inviting me to sleep, before he could land his next blow I heard him scream out, then I finally embraced the darkness no longer able to resist.

Many days later I woke up in a bright room to the sound of beeping, my eyes struggling to gain focus I looked down to see my hand being cupped by another. Looking up I saw Wendy tears running down her face her pale blue eyes red as if she had barely slept. I had forgotten I had kept her as my emergency contact, at the time it angered Ben but I would not budge she was like family to me. She was mum’s senior florist and had been present in my life from as long as I could remember. I remember Mum once telling me that she wasn’t able to have children either, and never adopted as the pain was just to much for her. I always thought of her as a close Aunt and she would spoil me growing up. She never left my bedside and held me tight and kissed my head in a tenderly mothers way when the sister of the ward came to asses me, breaking the news that my baby had died and I had to be rushed in for am emergency DNC. I was bought into hospital by two random men saying they stumbled across me when walking there dog. The names they left where fake because when the police tried to follow up with them they couldn’t be found.

I had to deal with the police, following my admission, where I had no choice but to admit everything I had been through, all the time Wendy was holding my hand. Her long grey hair tied back and put up with a clip, even though she was the same age as my mum she had a slightly more elderly parent vibe about her. Not once did she or the officer interviewing me judge me where I felt at fault, for everything that had taken place. I discovered Ben had vanished of the face of the earth, police kept up there search for him for months to no avail.

I stayed at Wendy’s for a while not feeling safe, I’m sure my mum would be so grateful as I was, she arranged for all locks to be changed and made sure I had home security devices installed, so that when I was ready to go back home I knew I would be ok. She spoke with work explaining why I wasn’t in, and explained how following the trauma of it all the best way to help me heal was, to not ask me to keep having to discuss all the events that took place.

When I spoke with my friends I just told them I couldn’t deal with discussing it all and that I just wanted to start moving forward. They all knew not to press me on it as I would just shut down on them, it was my instant defense to try and forget everything that happened.

The hospital had arranged for my dear baby to be cremated with others and had the ashes spread in a wooded area at the local crematorium. Once a month I would visit with a single red rose and place it under a baby weeping willow tree, I just felt so drawn to that spot and had a feeling that was the perfect place where I would like to have had there ashes spread. All the time reliving this moment I had forgotten where I truly was. I was back on the terrace staring of into the distance just as Tyler was, he reached out and held my hand not saying anything, at that moment and time we where two passengers reliving our own personal traumas. He then guided me back into the ward and helped me back on to the bed, sitting on the see tenderly stroking my head that I soon drifted back off to sleep.