Unexpected (MxM)

Chapter Fifteen- Pressure

Chapter Fifteen-

Frankie

This isn’t how anything was supposed to happen. I knew it would get to be too much, but that didn’t keep me from hoping that it would last. I don’t know how to convince him that this stuff isn’t his fault especially when everyone around me is saying that it is. I can’t find the words to say to him, and I can’t think straight long enough to come up with a plan. It all feels so hopeless.

I don’t want space. I think he feels like once he’s gone, I’ll go back to normal. He thinks I’ll be better off without him, but that’s not true. This is my normal now.

Moth isn’t changing me. I’m changing because I want to. I’m changing because I’m growing up. That’s what I’m supposed to do with my teenage years, but of course, my family would rather shame me for growing than accept that it might be for the better.

I turn to look at them, Sawyer, Teagan, and Noel, and reach my hands up to wipe my face. He said just for a little while. I can deal with it. It only takes me a few seconds to pull myself together, and once I do, I lock eyes with Sawyer and glare.

This is his fault. It’s always his fault. God, I’m so stupid for ever thinking he had my best interest in mind. He gave up his whole life to let us live ours, but just because he made that choice doesn’t mean I have to live my life the way he wants me to.

“Are you happy now? Do you like seeing me like this?” I snap at him, not bothering to give him a chance to reply. “He doesn’t want me anymore, so I guess you got what you want, right? Now I’m supposed to go back to being an obedient little puppy for you. I’m supposed to keep my mouth shut and work hard, so I’m not a burden on you anymore. You know what? I meant everything I said to our mom. You’re a tyrannical dictator and I’m sick of you ruining my life.”

“Frankie, that’s enough,” Teagan says. “You don’t get to flip this on us. You’re the one who ended up in a holding cell with him. That’s not our fault.”

I keep my eyes locked with Sawyers, waiting for his response instead. Teagan can’t be bothered to stick up for me when he knows Sawyer is in the wrong so what reason do I have to listen to him now?

“I’m not going to argue with you about something so stupid. Of course, I’m not happy that you’re upset, but things happen. You’ll learn more when you grow up.”

“Grow up? Are you f*****g kidding me?”

“Watch your language.”

I smile, but I’m sure they know it’s empty once I let out a humorless laugh. My eyes start welling up again, but I squeeze them together a few times to keep the tears at bay.

I can’t believe I never realized that my whole life has been centered on making everyone else happy. Now that I’ve finally had happiness of my own, I don’t want to give it up. I will never go back to how I was. Subservient, compliant, obedient. I don’t want to do it anymore.

“f**k you,” I answer, walking past the three of them to leave the building. I turn out of the building and start walking toward our house on the sidewalk. I know how to get home from here. It may take an hour, but I’m not sitting in a car with them and acting like some happy little family. I refuse to let them have even more control over what I do. I’d rather walk.

I ignore the footsteps behind me as I march forward. I wrap my arms around myself, hugging tightly as the wind cools the tears streaming down my face.

“Franks, I know it’s hard, but he’s just one boy. You’ll have plenty of other boyfriends.” Noel assures me, though it doesn’t make me feel any better.

They all managed to scare him off and somehow twist something so beautiful into something so dark. I hate that they made him feel so guilty that he thought he needed to leave. I hate that they have the audacity to look at me and lecture me like I’m a kid after all they know I’ve been through. They talk to me like I haven’t been changing diapers since I was seven. ‘When you grow up.’ Yeah, like any of us had the luxury of getting to be a kid.

“I don’t want other boyfriends. I want him and you ruined it. Why would you tell him? I thought I could trust you!”

I keep walking as Noel runs to catch up, putting his hand on my head. I half expect him to ruffle it like he still sees me as his tiny baby brother. The thought alone makes my blood boil. Every time they treat me like I’m a baby, it completely diminishes how I’m feeling. They say “You’ll learn when you’re older” or “You’ll understand when you grow up” as a way to hide the truth. They don’t care how I feel, and they’d rather invalidate my feelings than admit they’re the reason I feel this way.

I smack his hand away and shove him away from me, making him sigh.

“Frankie, this is what’s best for you. The lying and sneaking around and bad decisions aren’t what I meant by enjoying your life. I know how you feel. Look, when I was your age, all I ever wanted was for Sawyer to pay attention to me and be there when I was going through things. I know he doesn’t show it well but he’s trying to be there for you.”

“Are you f*****g stupid? You think I’m starving for his attention? You have no idea how I feel. All I’ve gotten for the past fifteen years was his attention. Him breathing down my neck whenever I was trying to keep my grades up, or making me sign up for every club under the sun. He pried into my life any time I tried to keep something to myself. He put so many expectations on me. Maybe you wish someone would’ve made you call him back then, but stop trying to fix s**t for me. This isn’t what I wanted! You got it so easy. He never expected anything from you because you’ve been a failure since the day you were born. You guys don’t have any clue how much pressure he puts me under. You telling on me didn’t help anything. All it did was make me the biggest disappointment in our whole family.”

I stop walking and pant quickly, crouching down and taking deeper breaths. My chest feels tight. This has happened before. I panic when I get stressed. It makes me feel like I can’t breathe. “Everyone knows Will’s an i***t. Candace and Julian are perfect without even trying and I’m sure Sawyer was just happy that you graduated high school without getting an STD. I study so much I don’t get any sleep and I forget to eat. I’m in clubs I don’t even care about, I help with the babies as much as possible and I still can’t get a f*****g break.”

Noel walks closer and crouches to my height, wrapping his arms around me. He stays silent as he holds me tightly, his chin resting on my head. “Frankie…”

“I finally found one person who didn’t expect anything from me. I didn’t have to be nice or polite or smart. I could just relax and he didn’t care that I wasn’t trying to make him happy. He loved me and you guys made him not want to be with me anymore. I don’t want anyone else.”

Noel hugs me tighter and sighs. “I’m sorry, Frankie. He told me you were talking to Mom again so I just assumed you wanted his attention. You’re not a disappointment. You’re brilliant. Listen, he didn’t just stop loving you. I’ll try to talk to Sawyer and Teagan. You guys didn’t even do anything wrong. They’ll change their minds.”

I calm down more and think about what he said. Moth didn’t just stop loving me. I could see all over his face that he wanted to say it back.

I want to see his face again. I want to count all of his piercings over and over again. He has 21. That’s my favorite number now. I want to see the circles under his eyes from always staying up late. I want to see the tiny peach fuzz on his upper lip that he swears will turn into a mustache. I want to hold him again. I want to feel his fingers against my skin. The tips are always rough from playing guitar. I love how they feel. I love him. I didn’t think people were serious when they talked about how it felt to be in love, but this is it. I love every single bit of him. I love his bad habits, his kisses, his horrible back massages, and everything else.

I want him back, and from now on, I get what I want.

“I want to walk home. I’m not getting in a car with them. I don’t like you right now either, Noel. You swore I could count on you just to rat me out when I needed you to keep your mouth shut.” I mutter, continuing down the road. Noel is always going to be my cool big brother, but I think it will take some time to start fully trusting him again. It’s like since he got his life together he’s more of an adult. He thinks Sawyer needs to know what’s going on with us.

“I’m sorry, Frankie. I get what you mean now. Sawyer wouldn’t have cared if it were me in there, but since it’s you, he cares a lot. I didn’t realize how stressed out being his favorite makes you. I won’t tell him anything else. I’m gonna go back and ride with them. I’ll see you at home. Don’t get kidnapped.”

I laugh softly saying my goodbyes before continuing the walk home. When I hear my phone ring, I pull it out of my pocket, answering once I see Moth’s name.

“Moth?”

“Hey. This is going to sound stupid since I just told you we need a few days apart, but I want to see you. I don’t think I have a few days.” He sounds worried, and the scuffle I hear in the background means that he’s not at his house.

“What?”

“DCFS showed up at my house. They found my mom’s weed and they’re doing a psychological evaluation on her to see if she’s suited to take care of me. She’s not going to pass. They’re going to make me live with my dad.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. You don’t even know him.”

“Seems so because I also didn’t know that he moved to California.”

“California? That’s like three thousand miles away.”

“I know. I don’t think there’s anything I can do.” His voice cracks as he sniffles, breaking my heart. He’s crying.

“Can you come over?”

“I’ll try.” He takes a deep breath. “And Frankie?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you too.”