Forest Through the Trees

Chapter 10 (Jamie)

I race after scarlet only stopping to dump my tray. I have waited all day to get a chance to talk to her and I wasn’t going to miss my chance again.

When I had found her before second period, we had only moments before the bell and we didn’t get to have much of a discussion before needing to go our separate ways. But it needs to happen and it was happening now.

Scar is out the main doors and heading to the student parking lot before I can catch up to her. She is quick when she wants to be and her long legs beat me out at a walking pace, so I sprint to get in front of her.

“Scarlet, wait. We need to talk.”

“Just leave me alone Jamie.”

She moves to go around me, but I grab her arm trying to get her to stop and face me.

“I said leave me alone!” She hisses, jerking away from my grasp and continuing to march away.

I am losing my patience. I have done nothing wrong here and she is the one who has some major explaining to do. But she is an expert on turning things around. Always has to be the victim and make me the bad guy.

I hate it.

“Enough Scar.” I continue to walk after her my voice rising with my anger. “You and I both know that there is nothing going on between Willow and me and you are just using it to cover up the fact that you have been screwing around on me.”

That makes her stop.

“What?” She turns around with a fire in her eyes.

“I went by your house this morning and your housekeeper gave me a sweater that isn’t mine Scarlet,” She holds my gaze not wavering. “And she seemed to think that I was over there late last night, now why is that?”

I lie about that last part but it is just to see if her reaction will give anything away.

My heart drops when I see her expression change ever so slightly. Is that worry?

She really has been cheating on me? Up until this moment, I have been holding onto hope that there was some innocent explanation. My legs feel weak. like the ground beneath my feet has given way.

“Oh my god. It’s true.” I can’t even look at her.

I want to be sick.

A part of me wants to know who she has been screwing around with but a bigger part is afraid to know. I can’t be here right now and I am the one who turns to leave this time.

“It’s Alex’s sweater” She calls to me.

I am frozen in place. My mind is unable to form a thought.

She grabs my arm and I can’t do anything but let her try and explain. I can’t process anything else.

“It’s not like that Jamie I swear. I had it when he drove me home and I just forgot to give it back.” She gets in front of my face and makes me look at her. “I promise nothing else happened”.

I want to believe her. So badly. Not just to save our relationship but my relationship with Alex as well. I want to believe that this is all some big misunderstanding. That it is just a coincidence that Alex has been acting off all day and now Scarlet is playing the sweet card, which I know she reserves only for when she is actually guilty of something.

I want to believe that it's all innocent and neither of them would do something like that to me.

They wouldn’t. Would they?

I want to stop the clock and rewind the last 24 hours.

I need time to process and think. If I stay here and keep talking to Scarlet, I know that she will make me believe that nothing happened and that everything is the same as it always was. And as much as I want that to be true, I am not sure that it is what I need.

“I think I need to be alone right now,” I say.

She scoffs at me. “You’re being overdramatic”.

I look at her and not for the first time, wonder what I am doing.

I really need time to think.

“Scarlet, we’ll talk later. I’m leaving before I say something that we both might regret.”

The look on her face is shocked. She is not used to me, or anyone really, walking away from her. And I’ll admit I am usually the one groveling and trying to work things out with her. Not the other way around.

But not this time.

I leave and head to class.

I go through the rest of the day in a haze. Unable to focus on anything. I do however notice that both Scarlet and Alex are missing from math class. I try not to read anything into it but that’s nearly impossible now.

I want to talk to Alex myself, it’s not that I think he wouldn’t lie to me if something was going on between them, but I know him well enough to be able to tell if he is.

This thought makes me really sad all of the sudden. I don’t know who I would be more devastated to lose. My best friend or my girlfriend. It has been the three of us since grade 9. We have done everything together and the thought of all of that not only being gone but being tainted is like a punch in the gut.

Willow and Kaleb are in class, but I sit away from them. I know I could use the distraction but I don't want my hurt getting the best of me and saying or doing something that would make things worse.

How much worse could they get? I'm not sure.

All I know is that I am not in the right state of mind and Willow has a way of scrambling my head, and I am already messed up enough right now. I hope that she isn't offended, but I just ignore her and keep my head down through that class.

Maybe I will try to talk to her again later when I sort myself out. She is someone I would really like to get to know.

After school is out, I just sit in my truck for a while. I don’t want to go home and have to explain to my mother what is going on. She will know instantly that something is wrong and I just don’t want to be forced into talking about it, or risk upsetting her.

I decide it’s time to talk to Alex, so I text him.

We need to talk.

He doesn’t respond right away but that isn’t unusual. Half the time his phone doesn’t even get messages. He has a Microsoft Kin, probably one of the cheapest bits of junk that was ever made as far as phones go. And it's another hand me down from his dad. He never complains about it but I know how much it bothers him. Not that he has a crappy phone, but that his family, in general, is so hard up. It can’t be easy.

Especially when you have friends that are the opposite.

Not that my family is super-rich. We are nowhere close to scarlets family in that way. But we aren't poor. My dad has a good job as an electrical engineer and makes enough that we are comfortable and my mom doesn’t have to work. But my mom's parents are pretty wealthy. They are the ones that bought me my truck when I turned 16. They have always spoiled us. I guess that is where I get it from. I love to spoil others too.

Scar and I went in on a brand-new unlocked phone for Alex’s birthday. The phone is still sitting in a bag in my closet. We picked it out before she left and his birthday was almost two weeks ago but we made a deal that we wouldn’t give it to him until she got back and we could throw him a proper party.

A wave of sadness passes over me, as I wonder if any of that is going to happen now. Should I even want to give him anything? Obviously not if he has been f*****g my girlfriend behind my back.

I decided to drive downtown while I wait for him to answer. One of my favorite spots is a little, used bookstore s***h coffee shop called “The Loft”. It is a pretty popular hangout. One of our favorites. Or at least it used to be.

The place is the same as it always has been. I don’t know if I expected it to be different or not, maybe it's just me who’s in a different mindset.

I order a hot chocolate and biscotti at the counter before heading for our usual spot in the corner by the window. It’s the best in my opinion because it is quiet, away from the counter, close to the window so it’s bright and the couch is the oldest and most worn out so it's nice and comfortable.

I just get settled in and open up a much-loved copy of Misery that someone left on the little side table next to the couch when I am interrupted.

“I thought I would find you here.”

Scarlet says as she sits down next to me.

“What are you doing here Scar?”

“Looking for you, of course”.

I inwardly roll my eyes. “And I’m trying to be alone”.

“Can we please just talk... Please?”

Funny how when I want to talk, she can just walk away and demand that I leave her alone but when she wants to talk, I have no choice. But knowing her, I doubt that she would give up and leave me alone anyway, so I relent.

“Fine,” I say, closing the book and setting it down. I’ll be honest, I am not a huge fan of scary stories anyway. And don’t even get me started on scary movies.

She lets out a breath and grabs my hand.

“I know how it looks. It seems bad. But that is all it is” She waits till I am fully looking at her before continuing. “I swear to you. You know I love you, and Alex loves you, you don’t honestly think that either of us would do something like that to you. Do you?”

Do I?

I can tell she is being sincere and I have been asking myself the same question all day. I also can’t deny that hearing these words lifts the crushing feeling that I have had in my chest since this morning. I like how things are, and I don’t want them to change, especially like that.

But I have doubts.

I also feel like I haven't been given enough time to really think this through, and weigh my options. But she looks me over, her eyes soft and pleading “Can we please just start over?” Scar asks, using my line.

Every time I have to make up for something or have done something stupid and caused a fight, I always end up asking “can we start over?” meaning can we have a reset back to before the fight and start fresh. I got it from hearing a relationship advice expert say you should never go to bed angry.

Scar would always roll her eyes at me when I would ask, but would always eventually go along.

She has never needed to use that line on me before. Not once. And as much as I know I should take some space and time to think. What she is asking for is exactly what I wished for just a few short hours ago. To stop the clock and reverse it. And maybe the fact that she is saying it now means that she is finally wanting to make things better between us. Maybe she is truly ready to put in an effort to make this work and get back to how we used to be.

That's all I have wanted for so long.

To have the Scar I fell in love with back.

The Scar who I could stay up all night on the phone with. The one who couldn't wait to see me every morning and would run into my arms. The Scar who would come to my games to cheer me on, and cry if I got hurt.

I feel my throat close up as I think about all the things we used to do, and the plans we made for our future together.

God, I miss her.

I don't even know how it's possible to miss someone who is sitting right next to you, but I do.

I don't even know how we got to where we are, but I hate it.

I don't know if I am making a mistake or not, but at this moment I want nothing more than to get back to where we were.

So I nod.

She smiles, relief clear as day on her face and she leans in for a hug.

I pause for a second before wrapping my arms around her as well, I had forgotten how she smelled it’s been so long. Like lavender and jasmine. It's not my favorite scent, but it still smells good and I take a moment to breathe her in and try and remember the good things associated with this smell.

She stiffens slightly before pulling away. Immediately pulling me in for a kiss.

I am kind of taken aback for a moment and hesitate. But as her familiar lips brush mine, I again relent and return her kiss.

It doesn’t last long before I end it. I have a problem with P.D.A, but I guess I needed that piece of familiarity and reassurance.

She beams at me. I think that she is happy with how things are working out, but that smug smile at the corner of her lips makes me feel off for some reason.

Or maybe it was the kiss.

It feels different. I used to get butterflies and feel so connected to her that I desperately needed more. This time it felt good, I guess, but more because it represented something positive instead of negative.

And there has been just so much negative lately.

I find myself wondering if it is just me or if it feels different for her too. She seems to be happy. Maybe she didn’t notice.

I also wonder if this is how it is going to be from here on out or if I'll ever feel those butterflies again. Maybe that just goes away over time, whether a relationship is solid or not.

And for the hundredth time today, I wonder why a part of me is yelling that I am a fool.