Astra

Beginning

"Im sorry love"

"I need to grow up"

"Hindi rin tayo magogrow sa ganito"

"hindi ko na kayang pagsabayin ang pagaaral, sarili at pakikipagrelasyon"

"alam kong ang selfish ng desisyon kong to, this is for you and me naman eh"

"goodluck sa journey mo, magiging die hard fan mo pa rin ako if ipagpapatuloy mo ang pag cocosplay"

"im sorry talaga".

As i read his last messages from me i feel less pain. I stare blankly at my phone.

I dreamed before i woke up, that dream was too painful he's stop talking with me he keep ignore me and it's painful.

I guess that dream pinapaghandaan ako sa mangyayari and ayan his last message.

Andaya.

I covered my face with pillow and start to cry silently.

It hurts... So much...

I keep waiting on him every night even day na magchat or update sya, i know the difficulties of being a student, lalo't may finals sila. Hindi na kami gaanong nakakapagusap almost a month and he promised me that na ibabalik namin sa dati but... He suddenly leaved me.

I refused to eat dinner that night and i sleep again.

I woked up 11pm with a heavy heart while preparing my pc to work.

I felt lonely and hurt.

I checked him on i********: he posted a story with his friends i guess nag outing sila.

Funny he forget me whole day yesterday while having fun and now he leaved me.

I cried again it's hurt so much.

I even cried that night while working. I thought he will be my last, hindi pala

He's so unfair i stayed even nasasaktan ako

I stayed and wait him every night kahit saglit lang magusap i keep understanding him how busy he is because he's in college.

While me working and crying silently.

I finished my shift 10 am in the morning.

I get off to my seat and throw myself to bed.

I feel heavy all night and tears are started to flow like a river.

I keep sobbing until i fall asleep.

I woked up with a swollen eyes and i look to my phone 4:25 pm.

I stayed in bed amd stare blankly to the ceiling.

I need to heal and moved on but i don't know how, i decided to go work onsite later para naman marewind ko ung isipan ko.

I don't want to keep myself sad.

I walked in the bathroom para maligo but while i feel the waters flows in my skin i suddenly cried again.

Fuck. I don't want to cry over him

Bumabalik ang mga ala ala namin and i burst my tears so much with a painful sobs. I hope i can get through with this.

Natapos na akong maligo and i already get dressed and now im trying to eat but i don't have much appetite to eat kaya kaunti nalang kinain ko. I checked my phone again 6:07 pm.

Mamayang 8 nalang ako aalis.

1 hour ang byahe from my house to site.

I don't want to open my social media for now masasaktan lang ako again.

Nakahiga lang ako while staring and wondering about the shits going on to my life.

"When can i be happy again?, deserved ko bang mangyari to sa akin?, Does he have another girl na ba? Kaya he chose to leaved me and he reasoned na hindi nya na kaya?". I asked myself

I never complained and argue with him i loved him as much as i could, i always wait on him, i always cheered and im always on his side palagi kasi i don't want him to feel alone again like he said to me when were still not together.

He left by someone that he loves rin and he had family issues at the same time and he scared to be alone and i know the feeling of being alone. But day by day of talking each other i suddenly fell and i confessed and hindi rin sya makapaniwala kasi he always shows a motived na he likes me he even send me a video of a gameplay in mobile legend with a music of "crush na crush kita" that's kinda funny and cute.

Until we officially in a relationship. And i swore that i won't leaved him. But he's the one who leaves me ginawa nya rin naman sakin yung nangyari sa kanya noon how funny and ironic isn't?.

I feel a tear rolling to my left cheek with these thoughts a single tear suddenly become like river i covered my face. Damn it.

This life is miserable family, love, self problems goddammnit.

I stayed in bed until i decided to get off para pumasok.

I arrived at work almost 10 pm. I walked to my station and prepare my log ins sa pc.

After that i remained in my seat and stare blankly to the monitor waiting the time to strike in 11 pm.

I worked in that night with a heavy heart and i suddenly feel pressure because i received a bad f*****g survey and our supervisor coached because of that, how lucky i am.

"what happened to that call?do you know naman diba your scores will affect the whole team scores? Nasa bottom 3 na ang team, kailangan natimg bumawi"

"Im sorry po" i answered.

"and buti naman you've decided mag onsite ngayon"

"uhmm i need to stay out in home rin po kasi minsan i felt depressed na sa bahay" i answered

"don't let your problems affect your work. Tingnan mo na tuloy ang score mo for this month 50 % bagsak ka, ayusin mo yung trabaho mo para sa team ayoko ng makatanggap ka pa ulit ng detractor"

I nod as for the response.

I feel bad to myself lalo. After coaching i left the site i ng walang paalam can't take it anymore.

....

The silence is deafening as i walk went down to the street

I feel empty and numb, i felt lost at the moment.

I stop walking with a heave sigh and look at the sky.

Hundreds of stars glimmering in the dark sky, while moon is in the form of being Full and bright.

I suddenly wonder if i could be one of the stars at night would i feel this way again?, i guess no...

Maybe i would feel happy or neutral. hence, stars has no feelings at all they are just a heavenly bodies that glimmers in space.

I look down i hope i can join to them. It really sucks to be a human there's a lot of endless circumstances that you need to go through.

I chuckle a bit as a small tear roll down from my right eye down to my cheeks. Remembering what just happened earlier in home... In work... And to him...

I- i can't believe why this hapenning to me I've been a good person and trying to do my best, i bear all the pressures and continuing proving to them what i can do to meet their expectations but... It's still not enough.

And him... I thought... I thought he'll be the one where i can stay and hold, but... I was wrong all the time...

Tears are starting to falls like a rivers in stream again, i stop again to cover my face and sobs silently.

I'm tired of this shits. I want to rest too much pain that i bear since when i was born.