HE WAS COLD LIKE WINTER

CHAPTER 12: ALL WE NEEDED IS A SPACE TO BREATHE

Spaces in words are needed in a sentence since it would be so difficult for someone to read continuously. As such it would be easy to grasp the idea the words are telling us. Just like in life, we also needed spaces to breathe especially when things get too overwhelming and too crowded. Spaces are needed for us to get a grip of ourselves, to take a break, to pause so that we could make rightful decisions beneficial to everyone.

And right now, I wanted to give myself that kind of space. A space to think. A space to meditate. A space to relax. A space to be free from everything that’s hurting me right now. Not just from things but even from people--a space away from him.

I was able to sleep last night despite feeling hurt. I guess I overslept from my tears and my pain. But despite closing my eyes, something doesn’t change—Zac is still mad at me and I don’t know exactly what I did. Aside from feeling hurt, what has been left of me are regrets and feeling stupid about myself. For not staying and asking him directly the reason he’s angry about. For just walking away like a fool. For just crying and feeling all the hurt all to myself.

“Andi! Andi! Wake up.” Nanny Fely excitedly called.

I didn’t reply instead I remained stuck on my bed and cover myself with a blanket and pillow.

“Andi! I know you’re up now. Hurry, okay? And get yourself ready. It’s your dad’s wedding day. You should be there. We shouldn’t be late.” Nanny Fely added. “Your dress is already ready. I hang it outside your wardrobe cabinet. And, your shoes. It’s under your vanity chair. The make-up artist is already downstairs. Please do it quickly, okay?” 

Yes! Another reality I have to face. I looked up my calendar wall and saw the date. Right! Today is really dad’s wedding with Zac’s mom. After what happened, they decided to skip the engagement and pursue the wedding instead. With all the stops, still, it will end to this—Zac and I are really going to be a family in just a few hours. I thought it was just a nightmare I have to wake up. But it’s not. And maybe, we’re really meant for this. To be just siblings.

“Can I just sleep for a few seconds?” I grunted.

“No!” She was so straightforward. “We should be there early. Your dad needs us there. And, you’re not the bride that we should be late. So, get up now. Take a bath.” She added while dragging me into the bathroom.

“But I’m tired…” I couldn’t finish my sentence as she immediately closes the door.

“Hurry! Okay?” She shouted.

What a way to start the day! A bucket of nagging. Perfect for today's event. After taking a bath, I stood up in front of my mirror looking at myself closely. Then, suddenly I realize. “This is it, Andi! This is the day. No more turning back. No more stops. No more running away from reality. Because this is for real. You and Zac and the “US” you’ve been dreaming will just remain in your dreams. And maybe this is the sign you’ve been praying for. You’ve been asking Him what the best thing to do is. This is His response to you. Its’ time to let go. It’s time to move on. To take that space for yourself. To breathe. To heal. And to forgive yourself most especially.”

I was trying to fix my thought before going to the wedding. I wanted to give my truest and sincere blessing to my dad and Tita Beth. I really do. Although I caused a lot of headaches to them, deep inside my heart I want them to be happy. And if being happy means to be in each other’s arms, who am I to go against it? Honestly, I’m starting to open my heart for them.  Not maybe to Zac, for now. But I will, in time.  I just don’t know when. But for sure, someday everything will fall into place.

“Andi? Are you done?” Nanny Fely shouted. “Come here quickly.”

“Yes! I’m coming!” I replied.

I breathe in and out. “That’s it, Andi. You can do this. Relax. Free yourself with thoughts. That’s it.” I told myself as I slowly went downstairs.

“Wow!” Nanny Fely exclaimed. “You look beautiful. You look like you’re the one who’s getting married today.” She happily commented.

“Really? Will that day would come? Will I get to marry the man I loved in the future? Will I also get that chance?” I sighed.

“Of course!” She quickly responded. “You deserve to get married. You deserve to love and be loved. You deserve to be happy. For sure, your mom will also say the same thing.”

“Getting married? Maybe. But to the one I loved? I don’t know.” I told myself.

We arrived at the church right on time. Thankfully, Nanny Fely’s nagging paid off. We avoided such embarrassment. I search for dad immediately and saw him standing on the other end of the center hallway inside the church. Even from afar, I could see how excited he was. Walking hysterically back and forth. Minute by minute wiping off his sweat. Shaking and poking his hands. He’s really my dad. That’s his mannerism when he’s full of excitement. But despite feeling nervous, I could feel he was the happiest person inside the church. His smiles radiate even from afar. 

My friends are also present at the ceremony. Even Amanda herself. I thought I would have a break from seeing her. The more I was pissed off when I knew that she was the one who reported the incident to the police. Thankfully, I was able to control myself.  I can’t let my emotions run over my excitement for today. It's dad’s special day. And I don’t want to ruin it and cause any scene. So, instead of focusing my attention on her, I just ignore her and walked towards where my dad is.

“Hi! Dad.” I hugged him tightly. “Congratulations,” I added as my tears started to fall.

“Thank you, honey!” He replied. “Thank you for coming. You just don’t know how this means to me.”

“I’m sorry dad.” I cried. “For causing you and Tita Beth a lot of headaches these past few days.”

“It’s okay, honey! You don’t have to.” Dad uttered. “Oh! What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Dad asked and smiled. “Let me see my beautiful princess. Oh! It’s okay. Stop crying, okay? People might think you’re the one who’s getting married today.”

I laughed. “Right! I can’t believe myself.” I said while dad wiped my tears. “But seriously dad. I’m so happy for you. I really do. You know that I only want the best for you. That’s also mom’s wish before she died. She wanted you to love again and be loved because you deserve it. I love you so much, dad.”

“I love you too, honey!” Dad replied. “Always remember that, okay?”

“Andi. Let’s go. The wedding is about to start.” Nanny Fely said. “The bride is here.”

“Okay. See you later, dad.” I uttered.

He nodded. “Yes! See you later, honey.”

“Dad, relax. Okay? No need to worry. Everything will be perfect today. You can do this.” I added.

As I walked towards the door where the entourage was waiting, I saw Zac together with his mom. He’ll be the one to walk her mom down the aisle. We take glances at each other. But because of the sudden awkwardness between us after our heated confrontation, we just ignored each other. I walked towards the back of Tita Beth since I was designated as the maid of honor while he was greeting some people on the other side. But before Tita Beth walked down the aisle, I hugged her.

“Congratulations, Tita. You look extremely beautiful today.” I exclaimed.

“Thanks, Andi. You, too. You look great today.” She complimented. “Anyone would probably mistake you for being the bride.” She jokingly added.

That made me grin. “Thanks, Tita. But nothing compares to your beauty for today. You’re definitely the bride. But before anything else, I wanted to say sorry for everything. I know a simple sorry is not enough for causing you and dad a lot of trouble.”

“No worries, sweetie.” She said.

“And thank you,” I uttered. “For loving dad. For making him so happy. For coming into our lives. You might think how silly I am right now. But from the bottom of my heart, thank you. And welcome to our family. I’m so sorry it took me long to say those words.”

“I should be the one to say thank you. You’ve been so good to Zac. You’ve been there for him when she needed me the most. You fulfilled those void in his heart with your cheerfulness and kindness. I know that I won’t be able to replace your mom. But I want you to know that you can still treat me like one. Even just for second best, would that be okay?” She said.

“Of course,” I replied. Then, we’re both into tears.

Zac coughed to stop our drama. Then our tears turn into laughter.

“Right! We should not be crying today.” She muttered.

“You’re right!” I agreed.

The wedding went smoothly as planned. Just like what my dad and Tita Beth had planned all along, there were no mistakes from the entourage down to the bride walking down the aisle. Everything was perfect and magical as soon as they said their wedding vows and I do’s. There was no dull moment. Everywhere your eyes would take you, you’ll see happy faces and smiles. Indeed, it’s a celebration filled with joy, happiness, and love.

After the wedding, we headed out to the reception area. I choose to sit together with my friends. And of course, since Zac was being dragged by Liam into our table which means Amanda is also sitting together with us. As much as I wanted to avoid her, the more she’s in my sight.

“Congrats, Zac! Andi!” She remarked. “I’m so happy for the both of you.”

“Gosh! Darn it.” Cloe uttered.

Luckily, I was able to stop her from finishing her words. I know Amanda was just trying to provoke me. But thankfully, I was able to control myself. And I also know how Cloe feels so disgusted about her especially on her sly tricks.

“Let’s just have some dessert over there!” I said while dragging her to the buffet table. “I heard they’re serving your favorite sweets. I know you won’t miss it for the world. Come on. Let’s go. Excuse us for a while.”

“Okay.” But before leaving, Cloe left some warnings to Amanda while glaring her eyes. “I’m watching you. So, behave while I’m still being nice to you.”

“Hey! Stop it.” I said.

“She’s really disgusting,” Cloe uttered. “My blood boils whenever I see her. I don’t understand why she’s here? Who could have invited her on this special day?”

“Relax! Okay?” I said. “Just ignore her.”

“I did. And you know that, right? I’ve been holding up myself. But I don’t know. Every time I would hear her speaking about you and Zac, it irritates me a lot.” She explained.

“Fine. But let’s just divert our attention with this one.” I said while placing the dessert close to her nose. “Mmmm…” I mumbled after taking a bite. “This is what I’ve been telling you a while ago.”

 “Hey! Ans. Are you sure, you’re okay?” Cloe worriedly asked after taking a spoonful bite.

“Yes. Of course. Why wouldn’t I?” I replied.

“If you say so. But you don’t need to pretend you’re okay even if you’re not especially to me. I know you love your dad and you want everything to be perfect especially today. But at least to me, you can be yourself. You don’t need to walk on the edge.” Cloe comforted me.

“I know. But I’m really okay. You don’t have to worry about me. I’m good.” I said.

Am I really good? Or was I just trying to pull a good act in front of everyone? Am I really okay with this kind of setup? Or was I just fooling myself trying to sink everything into my head? Am I really freely and whole-heartedly accepting this kind of reality? Or was I just being too selfish to myself for believing this is the right thing? Honestly, right before I went to the church I had a lot of hesitations. My mind and my heart are not totally in sync. My mind tells me I have to go and give my blessings to them. But my heart tells me otherwise. It’s not that I’m faking my cry and congratulations. It’s just that my heart is not yet fully healed. I mean an overnight sleep can’t do that stuff. It’s pretty impossible. But just a minute before I get out of the car and walked inside the church, I only have one thing in mind. I want my dad to be happy. And I won’t miss it for the world just to see his smile again. I don’t know what would happen to me after this day. But all I know is I’m willing to let go of everything if that would mean seeing my dad be happy again. Even my feelings for Zac. I know it won’t be easy. Nor do I know how to do such a thing. But I’m willing to sacrifice myself if that would mean having a new family with Tita Beth and Zac.

“At this part of the evening, we will hear some words from the people who loved our couple so much. First, let’s listen to the bride’s son, Zac? Come over here!” The MC pronounced.

As Zac walked slowly towards the stage, I stopped myself from eating and focused on listening to him. I guess I just wanted to hear his part of this new change in our lives. I mean ever since this whole thing started, I haven’t heard his exact opinion about this matter. Even agreeing on our operation break-the-engagement act, was purely done out of his intention to help his dad. 

“Good evening everyone!” He greeted. “Honestly, I’m very nervous right now. You can sense it by how I speak tonight, right?” He stuttered. “I don’t know what to say. I’m not used to speaking in front of a large crowd. But if there’s one thing I would describe what I’m feeling right now. It would be the word happiness. I didn’t know the depth of that word not until I saw my mom smiling again as she walked down the aisle as her soon-to-be husband is waiting for her on the other side.” He paused for a while and looked at her mom. “I know mom I’m not a good son. I’ve resented you for what happened to our family. I’m sorry that I failed to realize that you also wanted to make things work for our family. It’s just that it’s not enough because it’s too painful for you as well. I’m sorry that I’m only thinking about myself. But despite all the sorry, I wanted to thank you mom for choosing to be happy again. And to my stepdad, Tito, I’m sorry and thank you for loving my mom and embracing her wholeheartedly. I know you will love her so much. I wish you all the best. Congratulations! Cheers!” He added as he walked towards the groom and bride.

“Thank son.” Tita Beth hugged Zac.

Zac’s words have somehow reached into my heart that my tears suddenly fall. That’s the first time I heard something personal and sincere from him. It’s not that he’s not truthful with his words. But it’s something that came from his heart. Something that makes him real.

“What a love from a son!” The MC exclaimed. “Now, let’s give the spotlight to the groom’s beautiful daughter, Ms. Andi Cruz! Around of applause, please!”

“I’m sorry about that.” I said after being caught up crying by the spotlight.” I guess I was just carried away.” I grin. “Hi! Dad. You look great today. It’s a big thumbs up.” I exclaimed while giving him a two thumbs up. Then, I took a breath before continuing my speech. “When I was young mom would always tell me about fairy tales and happy-ever-after. She would always tell me that there’s a prince for every princess. But when she suddenly left us for good, I started to doubt it. I mean if you loved someone, why would you leave them in the first place? I always thought that dad is just for my mom only. So, the idea that dad would fall for another woman other than my mom was something I didn’t expect to happen so soon. But mom would also tell me that when you love someone, you should also learn to let go. It took me a lot of years to let my mom go and let her memories rest inside my heart. And tonight, I’m also letting my dad go because I loved him so much. Not on the sad note though. Because I know, he will be loved greatly by his new partner and wife, Tita Beth. Dad, thank you so much for understanding me, especially that we know that this whole thing is new to me and I’m still adjusting to it. Thank you for loving me. Now, it’s time to share that love with our newest member of the family. Welcome, Tita Beth. I know everything started so rough for us but I do hope it’s not too late for some mother-daughter bonding. Congratulations! And I love you both.” I cried.

Dad walked towards me and hugged me so tight while he said, “Thank you!” That made me cried a lot.

“Okay. That was very emotional, right?  So, why not let bring those emotions on the dance floor?” The MC cheered. “Let’s give the floor to our couple for the night, Mr. and Mrs. Cruz. Let’s give them a round of applause, please.” The MC announced.

Seeing my dad as they were dancing on the center stage smiling and laughing his heart out loud, makes me feel like everything will be okay. It will be all worth it.

“Now, let’s also invite other couples out there. If you want to dance with your partner, you can. The floor is yours.” The MC announced.

Everyone picked up their partner. Even my friends won’t let this opportunity just slip away, Liam invited Cloe for a dance. And Amanda with Zac. I was about to leave then when someone suddenly grabbed my hands.

“Would you like to dance with me?” Ethan asked.

I hesitated for a moment. But after seeing how Amanda is enjoying this night with Zac. I immediately accepted Ethan’s invitation. “Of course. It would be my pleasure.” I replied.

But as soon as the music begins, I couldn’t stop feeling awkward especially that Ethan and I were standing just five feet apart from Zac and Amanda. I tried to divert my eyes from somewhere but Amanda’s flirtatious laugh distracts me a lot. So after dancing to the first song, I wanted to leave especially that the next song played has something to do with dancing in a cotillion. (You know changing of partners throughout the dance.) So, right before the next song starts, I immediately took a step backward and make excuses to leave but Ethan begged me to stay.

“Please? Just one last dance with me?” He pleaded acting like a child.

And it’s not like I can say no to him. Plus, I--walking away would make me look like a loser. And I know, I’m not. I can’t lose. Not to her. 

“Okay. Just one.” I said.

“Yes! Thank you. You make me the happiest guy tonight.” He smiled.

“No worries,” I added.

“Will I be okay?” I asked myself.

Zac and I have been avoiding each other since at the church. We might get caught looking at each other secretly but that won’t last a minute. It was just a short time. And back to being strangers. As Ethan and I were dancing, I was also trying to prepare myself for the changing of a dance partner.

“It will just be for a few seconds, Andi. Just bear with it. You can do this.” I told myself.

Then, the moment came. We switched our dance partners. Luckily, Zac was on the other end so that means I can only dance with him towards the end. I keep praying for something to stop the music right before I would end up dancing with him. But just like how fate won’t cooperate with me this time, the music runs smoothly. And now it’s time to dance with him. Our eyes got locked up with each other. He slowly placed his left hand into my waist and held my left hand with his right hand. I don’t know but things suddenly feel different the moment our hands touch each other. He didn’t say anything but his eyes do. And there he goes again, staring at me with those looks that made my heart flutters.

“Calm, heart. Relax. It’s just a dance.” I told myself.

But before making any mistake, I walked out of the dance hall. I already give my blessing to dad and Tita Beth. I cannot just simply break it.

“Damn it, Andi!” I told myself. “How could you dance and act as if you’ve moved on from him? Are you planning to fall for him again just because he looked at you like that? That’s being stupid, Andi!”

“Andi! Andi, wait.” Zac called. “Please? We need to talk.” He pleaded.

“What are you doing here? I want to be alone. So, please. Just leave.” I said with some bitterness in my voice.

“I’m sorry.” He uttered.

Now it’s getting serious.

“Sorry for what?” I asked.

“For everything. And for that night when dad was arrested. I know I was stupid in ranting at you like that. That was not cool. I’m sorry.” He added. “Even if I don’t know the whole story, I shouldn’t jump to a conclusion. I should be more understanding since I’m older than you. We’re family now. So, technically we’re siblings that mean we should get each other’s back.”

“Yeah! Right! Family! So, what do you want me to call you? Big bro? Dude? Bro? What do you want? What’s your choice?” I bluffed.

“Andi!” He said looking at me with those eyes that made me fall for him.

“There you go again! Stop it, Zac! Stop that damn look!” I grunted. “What do you want from me, huh? You know what you know how to make me falter and hesitate. Just one smile. Just one word. Just one touch. Just one look. And everything is a mess again.” I paused. “I’m okay now, Zac. Everything is new to me. But, I will be okay, soon. I don’t know when but I will. For dad. For Tita Beth. For this family. For our family.”

“I’m really sorry.” He repeated.

“And stop saying sorry,” I mumbled. “The more I feel like stupid.”

“I’m sorry… Okay, I’ll stop saying sorry.” He stuttered. “Just so you know, I’ll be staying in mom’s house after the wedding. So, you don’t need to pretend you’re okay with all this stuff.” He said.

“What? What do you mean?” I confusingly asked.

“Well, I’ll be busy with school after this school year since I’ll be preparing for my scholarship application to the university. It’s not like I can bring all my stuff to your house. That’s a lot of work. Mom already agreed on it. It’s a good thing because I can prepare myself for living independently while I’ll be studying at the university.” He explained.

“You’ll be staying in the university’s dorm?” I asked.                                                                                 

“Yes,” He replied. “Going home back and forth is so tiring. Plus, the traffic in the city is so hectic. It’s not beneficial.”

“He’s leaving?” I told myself. Even if it would happen just a year from now, hearing about it makes me sad a bit. I mean I haven’t imagined myself not seeing Zac for a long time. Even if we had some misunderstandings, I never see myself without him in the picture. We were part of each other’s life. I should be the one to leave. I should be the one to take some space away. I was the one who gets hurt a lot on this sudden change. But, it was him who distances himself from me. It was him who took that space I wanted to give myself. It was him who played his new role as part of our family. It was him who took the first step I wanted to give myself so badly. A space to breathe. A space to think. A space to let go. A space to move on. A space to forgive. A space to heal. And a space to love again.