HE WAS COLD LIKE WINTER

CHAPTER 10: IN BETWEEN WHYS AND HOWS

Life is filled with mysteries, secrets, and lies. It’s something we can’t control. And once, everything will be revealed, what’s left of us aside from pain and hurts are the endless questions. Questions that even though we know the answers to, our minds won’t stop asking one after another. “Why did it happened? How could it be?” were just some of those questions we tried to ask ourselves. Not necessarily because we wanted answers desperately. But because in between those questions, we wanted something to patch up the wounds that keep on recurring every time we’re reminded of the pain. 

“Andi! Andi, wait!” Zac shouted as he tried to catch on me.

But I didn’t falter. I didn’t turn back. Instead, I run as fast as I could as my tears won’t stop me from falling. I only have one thing in mind—I just want to be alone. I don’t know where to go. But I just want to be far from them.  And when I couldn’t hear Zac’s voice, I stopped for a while to catch a breath. Then out of nowhere, a sudden shower came as if it knows that I’m not feeling good.

Unfortunately, I didn’t bring my umbrella nor my phone or wallet on that day. Because of how things happen so quickly, I forgot to grab my bag when I walked out of our house. I looked for a house or any building that I could take a shed on but there was none. I was in the middle of the seashore. Some people were strolling on the beach but not alone and not soaked in the rain. Because they have someone by their side while waiting for the rain to pass. Someone to talk to, someone to laugh with, and someone taking a shed under one umbrella. 

But when I was about to take a step back to look for a shelter to wait for the rain to pass, suddenly I couldn’t feel the raindrops falling into my eyes. I looked around and saw clearly that the rain didn’t stop. I wondered what happens. I looked up and saw a yellow umbrella protecting me from the rain. I pondered who it could be. I slowly turn around and saw the person holding the umbrella was the one I was trying to avoid.

I didn’t say any word and instead, I just walked away from him. But he was so quick in grabbing my hands. I tried to shrug my hands from his grip but he was so strong.

“Please. Just stay.” He whispered. “Or at least, take this umbrella with you.”

At first, I was flustered. I don’t know what to choose. But in the end, I realize I only have one option and the last one seems favorable to me. So, I took the umbrella he offered and walked away without a word. As I took a few steps away from him, I thought he would follow around as the rain poured hardly. But he didn’t. He just stood there looking like a fool. Nor he didn’t move an inch. That disgusts me even more. And here I am despite feeling betrayed, I couldn’t just leave him alone with that condition. Luckily, I got some money in the pocket and bought an umbrella at the convenience store near the area.

I went back to where he was and just like how he stood before I left, he remained in the same position. I gave him the umbrella I bought. But he didn’t accept it. Instead, he looked at me with those “I’m-sorry eyes.”

“Hey! Are you planning to get sick?” I grunted. “Take this,” I uttered while adding some force as I bump it into his chest.

Feeling guilty after seeing how he moved an inch backward after what I did, I ended up saying sorry to him instead. “I’m sorry.” I softly uttered and took a step away from him.

“I’m sorry.” He voiced out and started bawling like a child.

Hearing his sorry made me pissed off the more and instead of feeling guilty about my actions towards him, suddenly I felt like I wanted to rant at him. And the words I’ve been holding back somehow wanted to explode like lava.

“Sorry? Huh! Is that all you can say, Zac?” I yelled. “Is sorry that simple to you? Would saying sorry be enough to erase everything? Tell me!” I added. “Why won’t you talk? For sure you didn’t come here just to stand there and getting a bath in the rain. Tell me! What good excuse do you have?”

“I’m sorry.” He cried.

I smirked.

“You know what, now I know why your arguments meant different during the debate. Now, I know why you make that simple debate so serious. It’s because of this. Because you’ve been lying to me about your mom and my dad’s relationship. And what’s even surprising, you’re not against it. Looking how you seated comfortably on our dining table, you’re their no. 1 supporter, am I right?” I ranted.

“Andi, it’s not like that…” He said looking downcast.

“Then, what?” I shouted. “What excuse do you have? What more lies are you going to tell me?” I paused for a while. “You’re my friend Zac, right? That’s what you told me. That’s why you can’t accept my feelings. Because you’ve always told me that I will always just be a friend to you. But, how could you do this to me? Is this how you would treat a friend? I trusted you but you broke that trust so easily.”

“I’m sorry.” He begged with his knees down.

“Stop saying sorry!” I yelled. “You know what, let’s just talk when you have the answers to all my whys and hows,” I added and left him.

But before I could leave, he asked something that made me stop. “What are you babbling about?” He asked. “You said before that you will support if ever your dad will fall in love again, isn’t it? You will not go against it. So, what are you muttering about? Was it because my mom is not good enough for your dad?”

“What?” I asked feeling flustered. “You know it’s not like that,” I replied.

“Then, what?” He added.

“Don’t change the topic, Zac. I’m the one being betrayed here, remember? You lied to me.” I muttered.

“Okay, I’ll take all the blame then if that’s what you want. But, please let’s just go home. Your dad must be worried about you.” He uttered.

“So, what is this? Are you now acting the role of a stepson to my dad and a stepbrother to me?” I laughed. “Are you now enjoying that role?”

“You can make a bluff about me all you want but we’re going home.” He strongly added while grabbing my hands swiftly.

“Let me go,” I grumbled. 

“No!” He strongly responded. “Not until we reached home.”

That was the first time I heard his strong voice. I guess he’s really serious this time. I wanted to escape when he was about to release me from his grip while we get in on the cab. But he was so quick in guarding all the exit points available as if he’s anticipating all my actions beforehand. That’s why I ended up at my house. With heavy heart and feet, I stood up in front of our gate while Zac rang the doorbell. I didn’t move a step forward but he ordered me to do so with his commanding look. I had no choice but to follow him and moved inside.

“Andi!” Dad runs as soon as he saw me. With teary eyes, he hugged me tightly. “Where have you been? I’ve been worried about you. Are you okay? You’re so wet.”

“I’m okay.” I softly replied.

“Fely.” Tita Beth called.

“Yes.” Nanny Fely answered.

I smirked after hearing Zac’s mom. I couldn’t believe they got along so well. I was taken aback by what I saw and hear.

“What’s the meaning of this?” I asked. “Are you now acting like my mom? Looking so caring and worried?” I bluffed.

“Andi, you might get sick if you won’t change your clothes.” She explained. “Fely, please help Andi change into dry clothes, okay?”

 “I don’t need your concern. So please, stop this drama.” I bickered. “You know what, this step-mother-and-daughter set-up is not my stuff. So, drop all the formalities and pretentious care you have. It won’t work on me.”

“Andi! Show some respect.” Dad yelled. “I didn’t raise you to be like that. Nor your mom.”

“Respect? Dad, seriously?” I squabbled. “And what about this? The thing you did to me. Is this some sort of respect for you, dad? When you choose Zac’s mom, have you thought to show some respect to me as well? I mean, when you fall for her, have you thought how this would affect me at all?”

“Andi, I know this is hard. That’s why I couldn’t tell you at first.” Dad explained. “And that’s why we’re here. To talk things as a family.”

“Family?” I strongly asked. “Dad, we will never be a family. And you know why.” I added as I walked out.

I shut the door closed and left a note outside, “Off-Limits to strangers.” Dad has been knocking on the door but I didn’t move an inch from my bed. Instead, I raised the volume of the music in my Bluetooth speaker so that I won’t hear anything.

Hours had passed and still the pain I felt seem unsurmountable. It’s so hard to grasp. I tried to fix my thought but always ended up with more questions. I cried all night but still, the pain won’t go away. I tried to put myself to sleep but I can’t. So I decided to read a book as I remembered how mom would read one for me just to put me to sleep. But as I was searching for my favorite book on my shelves, a picture falls. I picked it up and saw my mom smiling. As soon as I saw it, tears suddenly fall into my eyes. It reminded me of my happy memories with her. Everything flashes back like a nightmare. And now, the more I missed her. Then questions keep on pouring into my mind. How do I wish she was still here with me? How do I wish she didn’t have to leave for good? And maybe this will never happen at all. But all that is left of me are the what-ifs and should-have-been.

The weekend passed so quickly that I just stayed inside my room and never entertained my dad, Tita Beth nor Zac. I didn’t even go down to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Nor did I moved out of my room to go shopping with Cloe as we usually do every other Saturday or according to plan. I just stayed stuck on my bed while playing my favorite song. The only one who could enter my room freely and whom I wanted to respond to any conversation was Nanny Fely. And with all her nagging, I end up taking even a small bite with all the food she brought into my room.

***

Morning came as peaceful as before. But even the calmness didn’t change the reality I have to face. As soon as I opened my eyes, the recall of events flashes back swiftly into my mind. Just the thought of it makes me sick and tired that even skipping school suddenly became an option.

“Andi! Andi!” Nanny Fely knocked on the door. “I know you’re awake now. You only have an hour to prepare for school. So, get up now. I’ll be back once you’re done, okay?”

But I didn’t respond. I remained stuck on my bed. I covered myself with my blanket and pillow. And just let the time pass by. But after a couple of minutes, Nanny came back and keep on knocking on the door. Because of how stubborn I was, Nanny Fely opened the door using the duplicate copy of the key in my door.

“Get up now, Andi. You’ll be late for school.” She uttered.

“I don’t want to go to school, nanny. I’m not in the mood right now.” I explained.

“Okay, but at least have some breakfast.” A different voice I heard. “You didn’t have your dinner last night. So, at least take some bite. I prepared your favorite food.”

“What are you doing here?” I asked as soon as I saw Tita Beth standing beside my bed. “Don’t tell me you have already moved into our house even after what happen last night.”

“No.” She answered. “But, we will, soon. After the engagement. That’s what we decided with your dad.”

“Seriously? Huh!” I laughed. “Even without my approval. You will still push through this marriage. Are you taking me as a joke?”

“Andi, stop it, okay?” Nanny Fely butt in. “That’s enough. You’ll be late for school now. Come here. Get in the bathroom now. Hurry!”

I was about to continue my ranting but thanks to Nanny Fely I was able to stop and held on. Honestly, I also don’t want to say mean words to her. I mean Tita Beth has been good to me and I don’t have any bad feelings about her. I know she’s a great mom to Zac. And she could be one to me as well. But, I can’t just easily accept her as my stepmom. Because doing so could mean that I’m giving up my feelings for Zac. I cannot let us be a family. I have to do something. I don’t know how but I should try to break their engagement no matter what.

“Good morning, honey!” Dad greeted while trying to smile a bit.

But I didn’t respond. I can’t falter this time. I should be consistent with my actions. Instead, I just walked away. But even before I could get out of the house, dad raised his voice for the first time since we patched things up.

“Andi!” He sounded serious this time. “You’re not leaving this house unless you eat your breakfast with us on this table.”

“Andi, please. For me.” Nanny Fely pleaded.

I guess she knew I couldn’t say no to her. And with just that, I walked towards the dining table. She knew how to calm and tame me.  

We had the quietest breakfast ever in history. In our house, the busiest and noisiest place is the dining table. The more when mom was still alive. We had more conversations than eating. A probably 30 to one-hour dining leads to a couple of hours because of the never-ending stories we had. And since dad and I have been reconnected lately, we also had a lot of conversations at our dining table. Probably much more since we had to catch up on a lot of things. But now, it became as quiet and as peaceful as the sun shines brightly after the raging storm.

After breakfast, Zac and I went out of the house together and were sent to school by our family driver. But even inside the car, we didn’t talk at all. I put on my earpiece to put a wall against him. While seated a distance from each other. I could still hear him talking about something. But thanks to my earpiece, I don’t need to force myself to respond to him.

“I know everything happens so quickly. And I know how hard it is for you to accept us into your family, but we can’t do something about it. They’re getting engaged two weeks from now and the wedding ceremony will be held two weeks after. I know you might not believe me. But just so you know, I’m also against it.” He uttered.

I tried to neglect his words but the last one caught me. “Why would he be against it? That could be an easy way to reject my feelings for him. So, why?” I asked myself.

I looked at him with awe. But I couldn’t ask him either way. Even until we reached school, I couldn’t ask him the questions I’ve been telling myself a while ago.

“Hi! Ans.” Cloe greeted. “Are you okay? You look gloomy today. What happened?”

But even before I could respond, Cloe suddenly confronted Zac. “What did you do to her? Huh!”

“Hey! I’m okay.” I said while nodding Zac to leave first.

“Hey! Did something happen between you and Zac?” She asked again. “And by the way, I forgot to ask you about what happened with the surprise we have prepared for Zac during his birthday. So, what about it? Did he say, yes? Tell me!” She asked excitedly.

But the school bell rings.

“Ah! What good timing!” She added. “Let’s just catch up later, okay?”

“Yes.” I nodded.

Momentarily, I forgot that day. After what happened at home, I forgot that I haven’t told Cloe about it. Because of the preparations we had to make for the debate, we couldn’t find a perfect time to talk about what happened on that day. Plus, I’m still hesitant about how to tell her that it didn’t go the way we wanted. I mean I don’t think I dare to tell her the sad news especially that I know, she’ll be the first person to feel sad about it. And now, this. I don’t think I can also tell her that sooner, Zac and I will be a family. Not the other way around, but as my stepbrother.

***

Lunch came. Zac and I have been avoiding each other ever since we departed from home. Or was it only me who’s been ignoring him as he was trying to reach out to me by giving me some food and offering a seat, acting like a gentleman? But I didn’t waver. The more I avoided him. His concern and his stare didn’t mean anything to me at all. It was pure disgust.

“Hey! Are you okay?” Liam asked pointing to Zac and me.

“Hey!” Cloe’s glaring at him telling him to be quiet.

Liam was trying to protest but he’s no match with Cloe’s tenacity. And now, they’re fighting like cats and dogs. And that small commotion has made us all laugh. And that somehow made the awkwardness loosen. 

“Did something happen at home?” Ethan suddenly asked.

I guess even to him, I became too obvious.

“No. I’m good. I just had a bad sleep last night.” I tried to sound convincing.

But since Zac won’t stop pestering me with his concern and care, I immediately finish my meal and stood up first.

“Are you done eating?” Ethan asked.

“Yes,” I answered.

“But, you just had a few bites and more than a half was still left on your plate,” Ethan added. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Of course,” I replied. “I just have to go to the library. You know finished some notes there. I’ll go ahead. Bye!”

“Bye!” They chorused.

But Cloe suddenly changes her mind. “Let me go with you.” She chuckled.

“I thought we’re going to the library. Why are we here on the rooftop?” Cloe curiously asked. “Okay. I get it. You don’t have to explain.”

“Thanks.” I softly uttered as we took a seat on the bench while taking a sip of our favorite yogurt drink.

“You know what, you look odd ever since this morning. Tell me! Did something happen between you and Zac?” She asked. “I mean he’s acting weird as well. He’s like walking on an eggshell whenever we hang out together.”

“I don’t know where to start.” I sighed. Then, tears started to flow like a river.

“Why? What’s wrong, Ans? You’re scaring me right now.” She worriedly asked. “I’m not used to seeing you like this.”

“You know what, these past few days, I realized that Zac and I—we’re not meant for each other,” I said.

“Why?” She asked. “Did he reject you again? That cold jerk! I don’t care if he’s my friend. But I could punch him on the face right now.”

“It’s not like that. What I mean to say is, we’re not meant to fall for each other because we’re meant to be family instead.” I explained.

“What? I don’t get it. Family? What do you mean?” She confusingly asked.

“Just recently, dad has been seeing her mom. Romantically, you know. That means, there couldn’t be a Zac-and-I thing. And two weeks from now, we’re going to be a family officially.” I added.

“What?” She was flustered as I was. “Now I know why you’ve been acting that way. And, why Zac has been acting that way too. So, what’s his take about it? Have you talked these things out with him? I mean he’s not that dumb not know what you feel for him, right?”

“He’s not against it,” I replied.

“Really?” Cloe asked. “Now, I hate him more.” She added. “Okay fine. If that’s the case, then it’s time to forget about him. What I mean is, have fun and meet new guys out there. We’re still young Andi. We all have the time of the world to choose and date a lot of guys. There’s a lot of fish on the sea my friend. I don’t get why you’re so hooked up with Zac where in fact, he’s not that handsome. And what’s worst, he’s an egocentric and self-centered person.”

“Hey!” And we’re both laughing.

***

“Hey! I thought you said we should have fun and meet new guys. Why are you not here right now?” I asked Cloe who was on the phone. “Okay. I understand. Bye!”

“So, it seems like it’s going to be just the two of us,” I said looking at Ethan. “Cloe’s on her night classes while Liam is busy as he sent this short message,” I explained while showing Ethan my phone.

“It’s okay, dude. I promise we’ll have fun tonight.” Ethan said trying to cheer me up.

It was truly a fun night. Ethan fulfilled his promise and for the short time, I forgot all my pain. And throughout the night, I was just laughing and smiling a lot. I’m so lucky to have a friend like him. Despite being my new friend, he knows how to cheer me up.

“Thank you for tonight,” I said while we walking. “I had fun. Thank you so much.”

“The pleasure is mine.” He chuckled. “I’m happy to see you smiling again. That’s the dude I know and not who’s frowning like this.” He added while mimicking a frown face that made us both laugh.

But someone came clearing his throat as his entrance. It was Zac of all people. I wonder why he’s been hanging out either inside or outside our house. And I guess, he’s enjoying it a lot.

“I just drop Andi, home,” Ethan explained.

But Zac just nodded with his usual pissed-off look.

“It’s okay, Ethan. You don’t have to explain to him. It’s not like he's my guardian.” I uttered.

“Okay. I’ll go ahead. Bye, dude.” Ethan said. “Zac?”

“Okay. Bye!” Zac softly uttered.

After Ethan left, I opened the door to get in but Zac stopped me. Instead, he held my hands and drag me into the garden area of our house.

“Ah!” I grunted. “What is it this time?” I asked. “Tell me! Why won’t you talk? Is this some kind of guessing game again? You know what, you have the knack of making people uncomfortable and so pissed off.”

Zac took a deep breath before speaking. “Let’s do it. The one you’ve been suggesting. Let’s do it then.”

My eyes bawled in shock after remembering all the words I told him while he followed me on the beach the night I run away from home. (Flashback. “If you’re on my side, then prove it,” I said. “How?” He asked. “To break their engagement, we have to pretend that we’re in a relationship—a romantic one,” I suggested.) “How could he agree on that stupid idea of mine? How could he easily say yes? What’s going on with his mind?” I asked myself.