Fighting Fate

CHAPTER 11

Nat shifted his shoulders, trying to release the tension building in his muscles. Fiona’s confession had rattled him. The hot water poured over him, and he closed his eyes, attempting to relax.

He wanted desperately to focus on Fiona, to find a way through this with her. But his mind kept turning to Sam. That first meeting had changed the course of his life, had altered every cell in his body. The mate bond was bone-deep. It had dulled with the loss of his fated mate but, when he really looked inward, he could still feel her coursing through his veins. And it made his heart clench.

It wasn’t fair to Fiona. He’d chosen her not as a replacement, but because he’d genuinely fallen for her. Her face came to his mind and the aching in his body lessened.

Fio had saved him, he had no doubt about that. She’d breathed life back into his body, she’d held him up when his own mind had wanted to surrender and drown in his sorrow. She’d made him smile again, brought a sweeter joy than he could’ve hoped would ever be his again. She’d given him his children, whom he couldn’t imagine his life without. The comfort he found in her was tangible.

Now it was she who needed comfort. She needed him to be the strong one, and for the exact same reason. Memories of Samantha, long since processed and reckoned with, had resurfaced and were threatening to unravel her. Now he’d have to face them with her again.

Fio had been everything he could’ve asked for…everything except fated to him. But she’d chosen him.

And, not for the first time, he realized he wasn’t as strong as she was. He doubted himself. Could he do what she had done? Could he hold her up while the past tried to drag her down? Was he strong enough to let go of Samantha twice?

***

He had to admit, Fiona had been right about therapy. Grief counseling was something he’d put off, and he had suffered for it.

Why was it so hard for guys to admit they just needed help? Just someone to talk to? The first sessions had been horrible; he’d felt tense, awkward, defensive, and closed.

But, as promised, Fio had remained steady and encouraged him to stick it out. Mac and Heather added their support, admitting they’d had their fair share of counseling after their first child had been stillborn.

“There’s no shame in getting help Nathaniel. Leaders need more than brute strength and administrative skills. We need clear minds. I need my Beta firing on all cylinders. I need to know you can help me lead this pack.”

Mac had been generous, but firm. Had Fiona not been able to convince him, his Alpha would have stepped in and made it an order. He’d given him a year to try to work through it alone, and that was more than most Alpha’s would extend, even to a Beta. Mac and Heather had each other, but they deserved a Beta who could pull his weight.

And they’d all been right. It amazed him how much better it felt to talk through the pain, to lay out his grief at someone else’s feet. Someone who could give him more than just love and support; who could offer advice and practical tools. His heart still ached when he thought about Sam, but he no longer felt there was no way forward without her.

There was life left to live.

He had begun to make up for his callus proposal to Fiona. She’d remained guarded when he began therapy; always encouraging, but keeping him at arms length. He’d insulted her, and it had been selfish.

But when he’d casually asked her to join him at his parents’ house for Thanksgiving, she’d surprised him by saying ‘yes.’ Of course his family had known her as long as she’d been alive, so it didn’t feel like a romantic gesture. But she could’ve spent the day with her own folks and it had made him surprisingly warm to see her at their table, laughing with his siblings and helping his mom tidy up.

His dad took him aside after everyone had been stuffed full of dinner and pie.

“Come walk some of this off with me son.”

Fiona was curled in an armchair chatting with his sister in law, a mug of tea between her hands. She seemed utterly at home, not even raising her eyes to seek him out.

The two men left the house and wandered down the long drive. His parents loved their little farmette. They kept a flock of chickens and ducks. A few goats and a mule stood placidly in the small pasture. They ambled down to the barn, where his father began gathering feed pans for the animals’ dinner.

Nat joined in the familiar routine of evening farm chores. Checking the coop for eggs, he gathered them in the basket his grandmother had made when she was a girl and left it by the door to take up to the house. The feeder needed filling and he added warm water to the bucket to keep it from freezing so fast.

As his dad carried the rubber pans to the pasture, he joined him. The mule and goats tucked into their meal, while Nat untied hay bags from the fence and took them to the shed for refilling.

“So, what are your plans with Fiona?” his father broke the silence as he joined him and they cut open the hay bales.

Nat sighed, not quite sure how to answer.

“Try again, I suppose. And hopefully not make an ass of myself this time.” he said with a shrug.

“She’s a good one Nathaniel. Always has been.” his father said simply. Worry was in his voice, even though he remained vague.

“Yeah, I know. Why do you think I asked the first time?”

“You asked the first time because you missed Samantha. It was the wrong reason.”

“Thanks dad, I wasn’t aware.” he bit back sarcastically.

His father shrugged off his tone.

“I’m gonna give you some free advice Nathaniel…”

“You’re my dad, all your advice is free.” Nat interrupted ruefully

With a short laugh, his father continued “True enough. I’d be a richer man if I charged all of you! She’s not Samantha and she never will be. But my advice would be the same no matter who you married. So here it is: Be with the woman you have TODAY. Don’t wish for her to be who she was in the past or hope for who she could be in the future. Take her as she is now, and she’s got to do the same for you.” Having said his piece, he began stuffing hay into the nets.

“That’s pretty deep dad.” Nat replied, a bit haltingly.

“Why the surprise? I’ve gained a bit of wisdom over the years.” his father replied amused.

“You heard it from mom didn’t you?” he joked.

“Ya know, I’ve been married a good long time. It IS possible for me to come up with advice all on my own.” the older man laughed, tightening the drawstring on his bag.

“Now let's get this hay out, you little punk. And you can climb the fence to get the pans. You’re knees are younger than mine”

Nat smiled, finishing with his own net. They walked back out to the pasture and tied the bags to the fence. Climbing the rails to retrieve the feed pans, Nat patted the rump of the mule as she passed him. Returning to where his father stood, scratching the goats’ heads, he removed the cheek from his voice.

“Seriously though, good advice dad. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. I like Fiona, you’ll be lucky if she chooses you.” his dad turned away, heading back toward the barn to collect the egg basket.

“I know it.” Nat said under his breath. He wasn’t entirely sure she WOULD choose him. She could meet her fated mate tomorrow for all he knew. And there’s no way he could compete with that bond.

Feeling guilty as he thought it, he hoped her fated wouldn’t come along. It was the meanest thing he could wish for, but he wished it nonetheless.

***

Fiona felt herself falling. Thanksgiving had felt so natural, like she was already family. Of course, she’d spent plenty of time with Nat’s family growing up, but this felt different. It felt like home.

They’d continued trying out dating, though neither could bring themselves to use that word. It just felt odd given they’d spent a lifetime together already. “Dating” felt like too superficial a word.

But she had to admit, she felt like a teenager sometimes. Her heart fluttered when Nat offered a hand to lead her into a restaurant. She liked leaning into him at the movies.

They made a point to get out of town as often as possible. It was too weird having everyone see them attempt to turn a lifelong friendship into something more. People were too nosy, too interested. It was like starring in a two-person play, and neither of them had ever been actors. The scrutiny just made everything awkward.

She’d told Nat in June he’d have to try a lot harder. And he was trying. She could see that. She saw the positive results of his counseling. His eyes brightened, his easy smile was returning.

He’d always had a warm personality, but she’d begun to feel his physical heat radiating toward her. It wasn’t unpleasant. There was definitely attraction.

That had been a wild shift in perspective. But it was undeniably there and she’d begun to notice things she hadn’t thought twice about before. The dimples in his cheeks became endearing, she noticed the musculature of his arms and chest when he hugged her, she’d never realized he had a nice ass. She sometimes caught the same surprise in his expression when he “discovered” something new about her.

There wasn’t an all consuming magnetism or an electric spark when they touched, but there was warmth and comfort and respect and a life's worth of lived experience. Would it be so bad to take a chosen mate instead of a fated one? Would she miss out?

“Penny for your thoughts?” Nat teased. They’d come back to her place for lunch after a chilly morning hike. With sandwiches and mugs of hot soup in hand, they’d parked in front of the fireplace to thaw out. His cheeks and nose were still rosy and his hair was tousled from his hat. She grinned and took a sip of soup to hide it.

“Pass on that. But I have wanted to talk to you about Christmas.” He raised his eyebrows, taking a bite of sandwich and waiting for her to continue

“Well we did Thanksgiving with yours, so I wanted to ask if you wanna come visit my parents with me for Christmas? Not sure if I gave you enough time to run it by the Alphas.”

Nat paused to think, “How long you going for?”

"At least 5 days, maybe more. Since they’ve moved, I like to make it worth the hike down there. I totally get it if you’d rather stay with your own family. Christmas is a bigger deal to most folks than Thanksgiving.” She was giving him an easy out, not wanting to push too hard for the biggest holiday of the year.

“I happen to know Thanksgiving is your favorite holiday, and you spent it with us instead of your family. So it’s a fair ask.” Nat countered.

“Well I’ll probably get out of dodge the 22nd and come home on the 27th or 28th. You sure you can handle us for that long?”

“Do you want me to go or are you trying to convince me not to?” he teased, taking a spoonful of soup. She rolled her eyes, caught red handed.

“I’d like you to come.” she said, meeting his eyes earnestly.

“Ok then, I’ll come. Mac and Heather stay around for the Christmas so they don’t need me here. They actually already gave me leave. I think they’re team Fiona, you sure you didn't collude with them before asking me?” he winked at her.

“They want their Beta happy. It’s good for the pack.” she shrugged, neither confirming nor denying his query.

Nat tilted his head, “They want their Beta mated and married. And you’re their #1 candidate.”

“Well, glad to know I’m ahead in the polls.” she joked back, smiling broadly to hide her nerves at the mention of marriage.

He laughed at that. “Indeed you are Fio. I’d say you were a shoe-in.” His gaze intensified, but his body remained casual. She envied his ability to remain so laid back all the time.

A pointed “Hmmmmm” was all the response she could provide, c*****g an eyebrow at him. She forced herself to meet his gaze head on. She didn’t want him to see the jitters she felt sparkling up from her tummy.

Surprisingly, he broke eye contact first, looking down into his mug. When he found it empty, he placed it on the bricks of the fireplace, but his eyes continued to avoid hers and doubt flickered across his features. It shocked her. She hadn’t thought she could best him for confidence; he always seemed so damn sure of himself.

Without thinking, she set her own mug aside and gathered her legs under her. Her movement caused him to raise his eyes again; the only reaction she had time to see were his eyebrows flying upward.

Then her eyes were closing and she was in his lap pulling his lips toward hers. And the heat she’d been feeling from him pulsed into her and spread through her in ripples. He’d recovered from his shock and sat up straighter, one arm reaching around her waist, the other hand sliding up her back.

He opened his mouth to drink of her more deeply. Everywhere he touched grew warmer.

When she dragged her mouth away and pressed her forehead to his, her heart was pounding.

“Well…” he began, but she cut him off.

“It was time to try that.” a nervous laugh escaped her lips. His hands moved down to her hips and lingered there warmly.

“I’m glad one of us had the guts to go for it.” he murmured with a slight smile.

“Yeah, well I guess I need to find out if this position I’m “a shoe-in” for is one I want.” she replied teasingly.

“And?” his tone was light, but his eyes glanced up and she could see the hesitancy.

“You’re alright. I’ll stay in the race I suppose.” she saw his face relax and felt some of the tension in his body release.

“Oh thanks.” he grinned.

With a playful growl, he grasped her hips and leaned back against the couch behind him, pulling her with him. One hand came up to cradle her neck as she shifted forward and crashed against his chest. They sat there quietly for a bit, both taking in this new barrier she’d crossed.

With the warmth humming through her, she found the courage to say what crossed her mind. She was grateful she didn’t have to look at him while she spoke though.

“You’re here….with me, right? I mean…you’re not wishing…” It was too hard to say the rest; she felt like a child seeking assurance and she hated that feeling. But he seemed to get where she was going, and didn’t make her finish the question.

“I am. I know it’s you Fio. And I’m glad it’s you.” Propping his chin on the top of her head, he let out a heavy sigh.

“I won’t lie, I still think about her a lot. Every day. But I don’t look at you and see her. You….she’s….she’s not…with me, when you’re around. I don’t know if I explained that very well” he stopped himself awkwardly and sighed again.

“It’s ok, I get what you mean. And I think it’s good enough right now. I’m sure we’ll wade through more of it. But not today.”

Settling in against his strong form, she slid her arms down and underneath his to reach around his waist. She inhaled deeply, letting his scent and presence calm her. Again, she felt his body relax under her touch. Whatever his warmth did for her, something about her closeness helped him too. And she allowed herself to believe it was specific to HER. It was something only she could offer. And that thought helped quell the doubt and the fear and the insecurity.

“So I’ll tell my folks you’re coming for Christmas?” she murmured contentedly.

“Yeah. I’m in.” He shifted his weight, making her pull back and look up at him. His eyes were sincere, and she couldn’t find any sorrow in them when he looked at her. Leaning down, he brushed her lips with his, lingering softly. She smiled and sat up as he pushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear and kissed her again more playfully.

“Well as enlightening as this has been, Beta, I’ve got a shift to get ready for. And you have a year-end meeting to prepare for I believe.” she pushed against his chest and rose to her feet. She gathered the mugs and plates from their lunch and headed into the kitchen.

“How do you know about my meeting schedule?” he asked curiously.

“I grew up in this pack Nat. I know what it takes to be a Beta.” Smiling, she headed to her room to change into her uniform.

“I’ll see you later!” she called down the hallway.

Closing the door behind her, she allowed herself a giddy smile. Maybe this wasn’t such madness. Maybe they could actually make this work.