Prolonged
871 Words
Hope's POV
It's 2am, the only thing I hear is the loud buzz of the A.C flowing through our house and some cars passing by on the streets and all I see is black, leaving me to only be inside my head about what will happen later today. I have tried so hard to convince myself that the opinions of people who live in this town don't matter. That's what I want to convince myself of anyways, because the first day of junior year starts Tomorrow and I find myself not being able to sleep because I know or at least I think it will be hell. I will walk in and the first words I hear will be some slur that's not my name being called at me by some southern douche bag I had s*x with my sophomore year. I wish my school was bigger because maybe my problems would be smaller and I would have found some friends to tough it out with by now but, I'm the outcast of a copy and paste teens and it seems that I just don't belong in the same word document as them. I'm the Z's in a whole page of S's if you will. And it sucks but I can't escape it because these are the cards I was dealt and I don't get to redraw because that would be too good to be true. Don't get me wrong I know being bullied is a first world problem and at least I get an education but it's hard to focus on it when people are being unpleasant every chance they get.
It’s so exhausting waking up in the same body to the point where it gets old, tiring and depressing on so many levels that it makes you seem as though there is no purpose to what you are doing. This is my mind set that is constantly wearing me down, especially over these last few years. Put my raging insecurities, with your dad leaving at a young age for his hot young assist and the ideals that your mom grew up with that she crams down your because she feels as if she has failed as a wife, you have me a seventeen year old girl who hides what she feeling in a society that does nothing for her other than push her down due to social norms. The only thing I have is my white privilege that I will acknowledge I have. So I'm every other basic b***h that grew up in an upper middle class environment. At least I'm aware unlike the other bimbos at my school. Scratch that waking up in my body is fine but this environment. That's what I hate.
On the flip side being in this state of mind constantly has given me a little bit of a superiority complex leading me not to care what people say about me when I walk down the halls anymore. Considering their lows blows are usually aimed at my sexuality, the way I look and dress, why should I? If they have nothing better to do or say then why should I care. Plus there all stupid so they are never clever enough to actually leave a mentally wound.
That’s at least what I tell myself but the subconscious part of me that like to speak up from time to time Always informs me that I care a little. It gets to me because I'm human and I feel things. That's why I get into fights. It's not because I'm aggressive it's just the only way I can seem to get anyone to shut their big mouths around here without seeming weak. But in this town that is seen as me being a problem child and poor miss Sally-Anne being a victim. It truly boggles my mind that they don't realize if you call me a slut I'm not just going to walk away with sim tail between my legs and cry in a bathroom stall or report it to a teacher just so they can tell me I’m overreacting and ultimately do nothing.
But even with all that said it’s annoying to admit but what I want more than anything this year is just one chance. I want to have a reason to not hate every second of every day because that leads to me feeling guilty about a boat load of other stuff. I want to be able to just be in my room at 2:00am and not have a weight on my chest due to the million and one thoughts I'm having a minute. I lightly let out a laugh and rolled over on my side.
This sounds like a prayer, but just who should I be praying to. No one is listening and I can say even if someone was no prayer of mine would be answered. I'm not deserving of one. Because only the people willing to change get their prayers answered and I'm too set in my ways to change over night. So I'll keep wishing for nothing driving myself into a spiral that only I could fantasize about pull myself out of.
Goodnight you undoubtably sad, sad girl.
-XOXO
- Writer
