Almost Not Over You

CHAPTER 8: CONFESSION—THE ONLY WAY OUT

Confession by definition is the act of confessing or admitting to someone such as something wrong you have done or something you have kept hidden by yourself. It’s like telling that person how sorry you are and admitting your flaws or anything you just wanted to say. It’s like telling the truth. But when it comes to love, confession is always the hardest step to take after the first step. Because it takes a lot of courage to do so. Sometimes, we are not good enough to tell to the person we love about what we feel. Sometimes, we are just too nervous to utter those words. Or we are not the best speaker. Or sometimes, the timing was not good at all. But whatever the hindrances we may encounter along the way, we should remember that the best thing in life only happens if we are honest enough to admit what we really wanted at the beginning. Indeed, confession gives a clearer point to the kind of love we always wanted to have.

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While strolling on the street, I was still in awe about what I heard a while ago. I couldn’t think straight ahead that I almost got hit by a raging car. Luckily, someone just grabbed my hands and to my surprise, it was him—Jac. I mean of all the people whom I could meet on that day, it was him after all.

“Are you okay?” He uttered.

“Yes.” I quickly answered. “I’m okay.’ Trying to fake a smile as much as I could.

“Are you sure?” He added out of disbelief. “You almost got an accident a while ago. You seem unfocused. Something’s bothering you?”

“I’m okay. I’m just thinking a lot of things.” I explained.

“Like?” He curiously asked.

Honestly, at that moment I wanted to tell him the truth—the truth that I’ve heard from his ex and his unknown brother. I wanted to be honest with him but I failed to do so. I lost all the courage to do the right thing. Seeing him smiling again tells me that lying is the only option I have as of the moment.

“No way. Don’t tell me you’re pressured on helping me meet my ex, am I right?” He suddenly asked.

“No. Of course not. I’m thinking of other things.” I explained. “Wait.” I laugh. “You thought that you’re the only thing that rotates in my world isn’t it?” I clearly asked him. “Ohh... How proud you must be?”  I continued. “Oh? Look at you laughing hardcore.”

On the following day, I wanted to forget what happened last night. I wanted to erase everything from my memory. I could barely sleep last night because of hiding something from Jac. I guess this is how it feels to hide something from someone. It’s like you’re bringing a heavy burden within your shoulders. And every time you see that person, you feel miserable because you wanted to spill the truth but the moment you want to is also the moment your lose all the courage to do so—because you just feel too sorry to tell him the truth.

“Good morning!” He greeted me with a bright smile. “I’ve prepared breakfast. Come on let’s eat.”

Out of my adrenalin rush, I immediately pick myself up despite feeling dizzy. I couldn’t move myself up properly. After seeing me drawn myself into the bed, Jac quickly moved towards me.

“Are you okay?” He worriedly asked as he touches my forehead. “You seem hot.”

He quickly went to the chest drawer to search for the first aid kit and look for the thermometer. He rushed to my room and checked my temperature with that worried face of him. Later, he went to the kitchen to get some warm water and a towel and put some heating pads on my forehead. Now, his more like my mom. The whole day he took care of me. He helped me while I eat my food. He helped me take my medicine. He stood by me until my body heat normalizes.

After a couple of hours of feeling okay, I wake up and saw him sleeping soundly as if he doesn’t have any problem at all. I couldn’t stop myself from staring at him. Even his sleeping position makes me smile a bit. I couldn’t stop touching his eyes down to his nose until to his lips when suddenly he started to open his eyes. Luckily, I notice it and immediately pretend to be sleeping. He put his hands on my forehead to check my temperature.

“Thank God.” He said as he sighed with relief. “Don’t get sick, okay. You don’t know how scared I was.” He added while fixing my beddings and wrap my whole body.

After he went out of my room, I slowly open my eyes and wonder if what I heard a while ago was real and I’m not just daydreaming or something.

“Hey!” I said while placing my two hands on my chest. “Take it easy George. Don’t get any wrong idea. He was just worried as a friend—nothing more and nothing less. Take it easy, okay?” I added my closing my eyes and catching breath slowly.

***

Then, the next morning came.

“Are you okay, now?” He asked me first in the morning while walking towards the dining table.

“Yes,” I responded plainly. “I’m okay but…” I haven’t finished my word as I was startled when he suddenly placed his hands on my forehead checking whether I am telling the truth or not.

“Mmm… you seem okay.” He uttered in confirmation. “Just don’t overwork yourself, okay? And drink your medicine at the right time with a full stomach, okay?” He added strictly.

“Yes… yes… yes… I’m not a kid anymore. I can handle myself.” I answered feeling quite disgusted with him being nagger. “Yes, mom,” I added bluffly.

“I’m being serious George.” He added strongly. “You just don’t know how scared I was yesterday.”

His last statement caught me off guard. I don’t know how to react at all. And now my heart flutters again. I tried to slowly breathe in and out to calm down my heart a bit and luckily it helps me so. I keep telling myself about my promise—not to fall with his tricks and not to cross any line.

“What time are you done with your work for today?” He asked plainly.

“I think I’ll be late today,” I answered. “Why?”

“Just because,” He responded sadly.

I wanted to ask him more because the look on his face tells me there’s something more to his simple words. But I remain silent. I don’t want to prolong our conversation because that would make me miss him more. I’ve made a realization that from now on, I should be the one to draw a line between us. I know I’ve done this before but this time around, I’m determined not to cross any line. I’m just content seeing him around for a while. I’m satisfied even if I don’t get back the love I have given to him secretly. It’s okay. I’m really okay with our present situation right now. Just what Jessie has been telling me for the past few days, no more complications, no more heartaches, no more cries, and no more pain, no more selfish acts George.

Days passed by and I slowly put into actions the promises I’ve made to myself. I wake up early—as early as 5 am just to go to work without seeing Jac giving me hello’s, hi’s, and good morning. I rarely eat my breakfast at home just so I wouldn’t have to see him and eating breakfast together on the same table and having some chit-chats on the sideway. Meanwhile, at night I went home as late as possible—like 10 or 11 pm even though I finished early at work. I strolled in the mall just to let hours passed by. Go night shopping and dining out with my colleagues and friends was my routine for the past few days. I put my phone in silent mode when I’m out so that I wouldn’t mind answering any of his calls. Well, everything runs smoothly. We haven’t crossed paths since he wakes up normally at 6 or 6:30 in the morning and sleeps as early as 9 pm. Though I miss talking to him in the morning during breakfast and some storytelling at nights, I tried to force myself to stick to my plan of avoiding him as much as I can. But sometimes that I couldn’t stop myself, I secretly stared at him while he was sleeping. I've contended with my routine and how it runs smoothly. But I never thought it will just last for a couple of days because one day, he tried to wake up early just to catch me.

“Hey!” He said while grabbing my hands quickly.

But thanks to my gymnastic skills I learned when I was young, I was able to escape from his grip.

“Bye!” I said while waving my hands. “I need to go. I have a lot of things to do in the office. Bye!” I shouted as I run swiftly way out.

But I guess that was just my only lucky day because in the evening when I went home and saw that the lights were off, I slowly open the door and suddenly the lights on. I wanted to run again but he was already guarding the door with that look on his face commanding to sit down on the couch and let’s talk. I slowly move my feet while looking head down. At that moment, I don’t know what to say so I just remain quiet. I just let him talk.

“What was this all about, George?” He said with some anger in his tone. “Are you avoiding me or something?”

“No. Of course not.” I quickly responded without looking at his face.

“Are you sure?” He asked curiously. “But why is that I feel like you’re not telling the truth?” He added while looking at me closely.

That sudden closeness that I cannot resist makes my heart flutters for him again and this is something I’ve been avoiding for the past few days now. But before being drawn into that kind of intimacy, I immediately pick myself out and dodge from his gaze.  “What?” I laughingly asked. “Why would I avoid you in the first place?” I added while trying to pretend I wasn’t avoiding him at all. “I’m just really busy these past few days. I have a lot of work to beat on the deadline as well as on the flower shop since Olivia was so busy at home after her youngest started schooling. She can’t frequently come to the shop and oversee the daily operations so she asked me if I can drop by after my shift in the tourist agency. And I said yes. I mean how I could say no to a friend. You know what I mean, right?” I explained thoroughly.

“Why are you explaining that much? I’m just asking if you’re avoiding me or not and the answer is just either yes or no. How come you said a lot of things?”  He added.

“Because it looks like you won’t believe me at all.” And my critically-judge attitude just came out.

But after coming up with all those thorough explanations, he won’t still believe me. Judging by how he suddenly draws closer to me and with those suspicious gazes of him, I can sense he’s the type of person who will not accept no for an answer. Momentarily, he stared at me. And you just don’t know how nervous I was at that very moment. I feel like I was an ice cream in the dessert slowly melting away from his gaze. You know that scene in my favorite romantic movie where a guy stared closely towards the woman he loves deeply and slowly draws closer to her with those silent moments of course—those quiet moments where no single noise was heard and just their heartbeats and emotions that explodes to the surrounding. Slowly, they draw closer to each other as close as an inch away feeling each other’s breath. Looking closely at each other’s eyes down to the nose and runs to the lips. And suddenly…

“Hey! What are you doing?” Jessie voiced herself as soon as she entered the room.

“What perfect timing?” I told myself. Looking at each other and realize how awkward our position was, we quickly push each other. I never thought that in my 27 years of existence in this world I would feel so humiliated like this. I feel like I just want to bury myself 6 feet below the ground.

“Oh! You’re early.” I try to smile casually as I help her with the grocery packs she’s been holding in her hands hardly.

“Thank you,” Jessie uttered.

“Well, it’s not really busy in the hospital and besides we have more staff now. Those that have been on leave are now, back for good. So, we have a lot of human resources now in the hospital.” Jessie explained while looking cautiously at us.

“I’ll just set the table first so that we could have dinner,” Jac commented.

“Okay. Go ahead.” I suggested while Jessie grab me in her room to have a word.

“What?” I said in disbelief.

“What was that earlier George?” She demanded a clearer explanation. And with that look on her face—looking like a detective interrogating me on the hot seat as if I’m criminal, I know I was dead. Knowing her, I know I don’t have an escape this time around. She was second on being persistent. I mean Jessie knows what she wants so she won’t stop until she gets the answer. Actually, with that character of her, she could be hired immediately in the police force, legal department, or even in the judiciary for being meticulous and tenacious. Well, it’s advantageous at times since we’ve already tested it way back in our high school days but not this very moment. Not this time.

“Why?” I plainly responded to her with a question mark. “Ah! Don’t worry. It’s not what you’re thinking about. Promise. Nothing goes between us. Never.” I assured her.

“Georgina? I know what I saw. And judging how you look at him, it was a look of someone who’s in love.” She strongly added. “Please George. I warned you. Not him, okay? I know you’re wise enough to know what is right from wrong.” She added with that worries on her tone.

I understand Jessie’s sentiments on me. I understand why she’d reacted that way. I understand why she’s acting like a wicked stepmother to me with all the don’ts and dos. I truly understand why she keeps on nagging me not to fall for Jac. Well, not because she doesn’t want me to be happy or to be in love. She just doesn’t want me to fall for the wrong person. I know it’s not good to judge others just because of their past but I know she was just like that—having a bad perception towards Jac because, in the first place, we both know it’s hard to love someone who’s not yet over loving someone else. It’s hard to be a rebound. I understand my best friend all along. I know that being hurt again could mean hurting her as well. I know how much she cried with me every time I called her and sharing my hurts and pains in life especially the issues I have with my father. I know how devastated she was after my ex cheated on me. I don’t want her to undergo that kind of situation again. That’s the least of the things I wanted to give back for everything she has done for me.

After awkward days of avoiding Jac, I decided to stop. Finally, I made up my mind that avoiding him will make things worse. It will make my feelings more obvious and I don’t want Jessie to worry me again this time. She’s been through a lot. She’s busy working and earning money just to petition her only daughter to be with her in Austria.

Then the usual morning came, we eat breakfast together and casually talking about life. It was nice to finally talk to him and eat together at the same table. Laughing and smiling. That was definitely a good start for the day.

“Bye!” I waved my hands at him with a gentle smile on my face.

“It’s time to proceed as plan George,” I told myself. “No more hesitations and no more distractions. Okay! Let’s get started.”

After my shift at work, I decided to meet with Jac’s ex. But since I don’t know how to approach her without making any awkward situations, I plan to take the advantage of working in the flower shop since the full payment for the project wasn’t fully paid due to the unexpected commotion happen on the said day. I called their phone in the house wishing she could be the one to pick up the phone. And I guess luck was on my side after hearing her voice and asking me to come over to their place for the full payment.

I didn’t waste any time and immediately rush to their place. But when I was about to enter their house, I heard loud sounds as if someone just punches some hard material such as walls or tables. I don’t want to meddle in other’s business so I hesitated on coming in but after eavesdropping on the door side, I heard a woman crying while a man was shouting and yelling angrily. And to my surprised, I saw Jac’s ex sitting on the floor while crying looking like a mess while her husband was standing and holding a vase of which he’s about to throw it. And just by looking how messy their place was—broken glass on the floor dismantled dining set-up and disorganized paintings everywhere, it looks like another or shall I say a part two of a married couple fight. The place was totally in chaos.

But before I could they could react and asked me why I was in the area at that time, I quickly protected Jac’s ex with my body from being hurt when her husband threw the vase on the glass door in the living area where she was sitting behind. Maybe that’s was out of my adrenalin rush. After feeling a little pain in my back, I lose consciousness that I don’t know what happened after that. All I know is that I was brought to the hospital with all the blood on her arms. I don’t know how bad I was since I couldn’t feel anything. It seems like my body feels numb. All I see was a lot of bright lights above and people crying and rushing to make medical treatment on me. Although I couldn’t feel any pain but seeing how everything leads to death—seeing white lights everywhere just like the scene I always watch on TV when someone was about to die and sees a white light, I made a wish for the last time. I told myself at that very moment that if it’s my last day on earth, I just wanted to see him for the last time. I wanted to be at his side and tell him what I feel about him. I wanted to spend my last hours with him.

But I guess that was part of my hallucinations after all. It was merely part of my subconscious. I guess I’m not yet dead after seeing Jac’s ex on my side.

“Are you okay?” She asked me while helping me took a comfortable seat. “I’m really sorry.” She uttered.

“No don’t say that. It’s not your fault.” I added. “I’m okay.” I tried to sound as fine as possible.

I wanted to ask her about what happened. I wanted to know the truth behind what I saw earlier. But seeing her crying again—feeling sorry about what happened, I feel like I lost all the words to say so. I just hug her and comforted her saying it’s okay—it’s okay to cry.

After feeling okay, I was released from the hospital since I only got some scars on my head without any internal bleeding and damages. Angela, Jac’s stood by me on that day. She took care of me despite how scared she was and it’s very obvious seeing her with quite tremble on her hands.

“You can drop me at the bus station.” I implied.

“No. I’ll drop you home.” She insisted.

I wanted to say no since I’m not fine with the idea of her seeing Jac this time. Yes, I wanted Jac to move on but I have this thought that if they’re going to meet today, I’m afraid Jac will cling to her more after knowing how miserable his ex’s life was. Knowing how he waited for a reason to come to her and rescue her from all the misery. I don’t think I’m prepared for that to happen. After that terrifying incident, I don’t think I’m ready to let him go. I don’t think I’m brave enough to see him with his ex-fiancée back in each other’s arms. I know I’m being selfish right now.

But after getting a text message from Jac that he’ll be out for a moment to buy some stuff and not to wait for him for dinner since he was having a get-together with his old friend whom he met accidentally here in Austria, I feel relieved because I know myself enough that I can’t say no to someone easily especially to her who feel sorry about what happen wherein, it’s not her fault after all. I said yes to her offer to drop me home.

“Thanks for the ride.” I thank her.

“You’re welcome.” She added while putting a smile on her face. “Are you sure you don’t need anything? Are you sure you’re really okay?” She added with that worried face of her.

“Yes.” I smiled back.

After she left, I felt relieved to know that by simply accepting her kind gesture, I could help her take ease after the commotion. I couldn’t imagine how scared she was. In addition, I was also relieved to know that Jac wasn’t around this time. I mean I can’t afford to let them see each other. I know I promised to help him. But I guess, promises are meant to be broken.

While taking a step towards the door, I feel like someone was watching me from behind. So I immediately rush to the door only to hear his voice.

“Why?” Jac said. “Why are you with her? Why are you together, George?”

I wanted to explain myself but before I could do so, he was asking me a series of questions that I don’t know how to answer one by one.

“You promised that you will not get involve with my issues on my ex. How come you were together and you even brought her into where I lived? Do you have intentions in making me feel uncomfortable and messed up in front of her?” He angrily asked. “You know I’ve been preparing for the day that we will be able to meet but that day isn’t right now. Tell me, George. Why?”

“You need to stop, Jac,” I said while holding all the tears back. “You need to let her go. It’s time for you to move on. No matter how much you prepared not to mess up in front of her, nothing will change Jac. She already has a life. She has a husband. Don’t tell me you’re waiting for her to come running to you and telling you how she regretted leaving you behind? Don’t tell me you’re hoping she was in misery so you could have a reason to come to her and get her back? Come on, Jac. Grow up.”

“This is my life. You don’t have any right to tell me what to do. It doesn’t mean that I accepted your help, you have a single right to dictate the things I needed to do and not. You’re just someone I know and let me stay at her house and help me with my visa. That’s all.” He yelled.

“I like you, Jac.” I finally uttered those words. “I know I don’t have any chance at all—or maybe just a one percent chance? Who said so? Me of course. I have that single chance because I’m single and so are you. We don’t have any legal string attachments in the past to comply to. Unlike you—you have a chance to get back to Angela, it has no definite chance at all. Not even a single percent. Why? Because she’s married, Jac. She has someone to love and to dedicate her life to the end of time. She already made a promise of ‘til death does us part. She has a happy family now. Isn’t it time as well for you to move on and make yourself happy? Don’t hope that she’s in misery so she could come to you. If she’s having a tough life, well that’s okay. There’s no perfect in life after all. And it’s normal for couples to have some fights and quarrels. Let them face it on their own. In life sometimes, some people are not just meant for us. But it doesn’t mean it’s the end for us. Life must go on, Jac.” After confessing my feelings, I rushed to my room and locked it while crying my hearts out.

I never imagined my confession turns out to be a melodramatic scene. I always believe that when you confess your feelings to someone, it’s all about happiness and joy because not every day, you got a chance to tell them how much you loved them and an opportunity to hear it from others just like my favorite movie portrays. But I guess life is not like the movies at all.