Almost Not Over You

CHAPTER 6: TAKING THE FIRST STEP

In life, there’s always the first step in everything. Whether we want to start a new job, we need to take the first step—and that’s looking for better opportunities out there. We search for job openings thru the internet. If we want to have a new house, we need to take the first step—we need to save for that dream house we always wanted to have. During misunderstandings within our family, we need to take the first step to say sorry and make effort for reconciliation before it’s too late.  As well as from moving on from the painful past that keeps hunting us, the first step is always on us—we need to take the first step to move on and heal from it. More importantly, in love, there’s always the first step. If we want something to grow romantically, we need to take that first step in confessing our feelings towards that special person regardless if we get accepted or not, we just have to take that first step to express how we feel rather than just keeping it within ourselves. But taking the first steps in life as well as in love is not always as easy as said because sometimes the first step is always the hardest step to take.

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New mornings indeed brings new beginnings. I wake up as if nothing happened last night. I just told myself that it was just a dream. Nothing happens. No worries, at all. But when I was about to stand up from my bed, my head hurts a lot. “Ah!” Then I shouted as my memory tries to flashback some glimpse of what happened last night, and the highlight was the kiss. “Ah! It wasn’t a dream, after all.”

I don’t want to wake up because that would mean seeing him, and by just imagining it, I couldn’t stand that kind of awkwardness. “You’re crazy, George. Now that you’re already old, now you became even crazier.”

After clearing my head and calming myself, a thought came to mind. I came up with a plan to act as if nothing happens—to pretend like it was just a dream. “Right, George. That’s the best thing to do. Pretend like that kiss never happened. You just had a drink, and you talk about each other’s past. And that’s it.” I repeated to myself since I needed to go to work, and my boss has been calling me three times now.

 I started the day casually without thinking much of what happened last night.  I took a bath and prepared for work while practicing myself on the perfect lines to say if ever he would ask me regarding what happened last night. After mustering up all my courage, I open the door. But when I saw him setting the table, everything flashback on me—everything that happened that night. Seeing him smiling at me while offering me to have breakfast with him makes my heart skip a beat again.

“Hey! George, calm yourself, okay?” I told myself and smile, as I could, pretending to be okay.

We had breakfast together. We just ate quietly. But I didn’t know that that kind of silence can kill you at times. Because right now, it feels like I’m going to die at any moment. I feel like I lost all the words to say. Sitting facing each other makes me nervous a lot. But wait. Why am I the only one feeling it? Why am I the only one feeling so nervous right now? How could he just sit there calmly? Is that how tipsy he was last night? How could he just eat at ease? Well, maybe I’m just the paranoid one—overthinks things. But anyway I’m grateful since we don’t need to talk about what happened last night. I don’t need to explain myself on what I did and nor he. We don’t need to undergo that kind of awkwardness.

But I guess it’s not something easy to forget. Because even during work, I can’t seem to focus. And Mandy, a very good friend of mine at work and has the sixth sense of things like this asked me immediately.

“Hey! George, what’s up?” She teasingly asked me. “So, how was Mr. Crisostomo doing? Oh! Let me rephrase my question. How was it living with him so far?” She giggles as if someone tickles her on the side.

“What?” I asked. “I know that look of yours. Nothing’s going on between us, okay?”

“Are you telling me that, or are you telling that to yourself?” Mandy laughs as she left.

“Focus George, okay? Focus. You have a lot of work to do, so let’s just think about that for now.” I told myself while I finished my paper works.

After a tiring day, finally, I got to leave early. But I guess I wasn’t lucky this time because when I was about to leave, the rain suddenly pours out. Why of all the days it chooses this day—this day that I forgot to bring my umbrella and my car was in the shop for regular maintenance? What a very unlucky day for me? Because of the rain, I almost stayed two hours outside the nearby coffee shop while waiting for a taxi to pass by. But since it was pouring hard, most of the taxi that went by were full. I was about to leave and just let myself soak in the rain when suddenly I couldn’t feel the raindrops anymore—someone just offered an umbrella to me. I was like a damsel in distress while a knight in shining armor came to rescue me. And to my surprise, it was him I saw—the person I’m trying to avoid even early in the morning. He was smiling back at me while holding an umbrella.

“Luckily, I got on time.” He said while wiping my shirt with all the mud that stick on it due to the heavy rain. 

“Oh! I can handle this. Thank you.” I said while I immediately grab the tissue from him and help myself.

I don’t know the real reason for those ungrateful moves that I’ve done, but all I know is that I cannot let myself go near to him. I cannot let him know my feelings. I cannot let myself get used to him being around because I know everything was just temporary. In short, I wanted to draw a line—not for him but myself.

But I guess, no matter how I distance myself, it seems like fate was trying to draw us closer. He offered his hands while wearing that cute smile of him. I hesitate in taking his hands.  But before I could resist, he grabbed my hands and helped me get up.

My heart then again skips a beat. I can’t breathe for a moment. I tried to hold back those emotions. But whenever I draw close to him, my heart won’t listen to my mind. And the worst thing is that it suddenly beats faster. In order not to get caught with my feelings, I moved away from him only to get closer to him as he saved me from getting hurt by a raging car after I trip my feet on the gutter. I was staring at him closely. From his eyes down to his lips. We were staring at each other when my phone beeps suddenly.

“Mamita?” I greeted. “Yes, how are you?” I voiced out loud while I distance myself from him. “Well, I’m fine. I’m doing great.” I tried to lengthen our conversation as I take a step forward. I know this is so childish of me. But it’s the least I can do for now—this is one of my ways of setting lines between us. But no matter how I tried to distance myself from him, he also took a step closer to me—making sure no inch of me is getting wet by the rain. Well, I feel a little bit happy about this situation. But seemingly not because I know that his care wasn’t about having romantic feelings for me. It was just friendly care. I busied myself with my phone convo with my grandmother even if most of my stories are so irrelevant at all. I think this is the first time we had a long conversation on the phone because since I moved here to Austria, we never talked for more than two hours. Well, maybe because of the time gap that I don’t want to hassle her with my lengthy stories even if I missed her a lot. But now, we’ve been talking like four hours since she called me when I was still waiting outside the office. Imagine! How bored she was since most of the stories were really out of the box. I mean, I keep talking nonsense at all. Even if she doesn’t ask me, I immediately told her the incident. Even on the bus, I talked a lot on the phone with her. But thanks to her unsolicited cooperation, I got to survive that moment of awkwardness with Jac. Thanks to my mamita, I don’t need to force myself to talk to him and feel uneasy while he stares at me. I got to feel at ease even in a very short time.

“Bye! I miss you. Take care.” I only ended our conversation when we reached home or exactly when I was about to enter my room.

“Sorry about that.” I sounded so apologetic. “I didn’t expect my grandmother to be that talkative a lot. I guess, it runs in the blood, isn’t it?” I tried to make a bluff. But honestly, I was just trying to make excuses in order not to get caught with my feelings.

“It’s okay. You don’t need to. I guess she just missed you so much.” He softly responded. “I mean who wouldn’t too.” He added while putting that cute smile on him. The smile where he beautifully hides his eyes. The smile that makes me stared at him secretly. The smile that makes me fall in love with him.

Days passed by, and I get used myself seeing him around in the house—I get used to living with him. Every morning, I wake up early even if how tiring it was just to have a morning jog with him in the park. Sometimes, we do some biking or merely just a walk. Laughing, sitting at the bench, laying down on the grass while the rays of the sun hit our eyes, and talking about almost everything that came to mind. I enjoyed those simple moments with him.

From preparing food together down to eating breakfast and dinner with him every day, it feels like every moment is so special. Having some midnight snacks and some chit chats along the way became so meaningful no matter how simple it was. Even if I do have those sleepless nights more than before, I am glad about it since I got to spend it with him.

Every day that passes by, I got to know him deeper. I got to know his life personally. I got to know his pain—the pain his trying to hide with those smiles. I guess patience is truly a virtue. Being patient with him—waiting for him to open up was finally paid off. He slowly shared his pain with me. He slowly gives his trust to others.

Almost a week of living with him, or shall I say four days to be exact was so meaningful to me. But I didn’t know that karma is so real. You know the saying that, expect only the unexpected? I guess it hits me this time.

One day, while I was very busy at work and having a very important client meeting, I forgot to bring my client proposal. It was a proposal I’ve been working on for more than two weeks now even before I meet him accidentally. I’ve been investing all my time, efforts, and my little intelligence into it. And the least of the things to happen is to cause a mess during this very important day. Before coming to the meeting, I make sure everything was properly placed in my bag. In the morning, I only ate a few bites since I don’t want to be late for the meeting.

“Bye! I need to go.” I hurriedly went outside bringing all my stuff—my sling bag, my laptop, and my client proposal hard copy. Luckily, my car was already done with its monthly maintenance so I got a ride towards my meeting without rushing hardly and being a disturbance to others since I got used to practicing my lines for the meeting during my travel. After arriving an hour before the meeting, I immediately prepared all my stuff needed. But when I was looking for the contract, I felt nervous not seeing it on the laptop bag where I placed all the other documents. I inspected every single folder I brought as well as the papers. But the documents I’ve been looking for was lost. I tried recalling what I did the other night while searching for all the possibilities where I could place the documents. Time passes by so fast and I couldn’t see even a shadow of it. Then, I suddenly remember that I accidentally placed it on the drawer of my table while I was cleaning my table after I spill some Choco syrup on the papers scattered. I called my best friend, Jessie if she could drop the papers I’ve left at home since she’s already off from her duty. But sad to say, she’s out of coverage area. I tried calling her for the fifth time but still got no response. Then, I suddenly thought of Jac—he’s the only choice I have. I know it’s shameful for me to ask for a favor from him. But I swallowed all my pride and called him. Fortunately, he said yes. And thanks to his help, I was able to close the deal. I was very happy that day that I decided to throw a simple celebration at home. I bought some food with drinks, of course. While driving way home, I was even singing and happiness was seen all over my face. But I never thought that happiness was just temporary. When I arrived, I immediately rushed to the dining to set the table and place all the food I bought. I called for him but got no response. After setting everything perfectly, I searched for him in my room. But he’s nowhere to be found. Then, I opened Jessie’s room. There I saw him sitting on the bed. I invited him to grab some food.

“Hey! I bought some food.” I cheerfully said. “Thanks to you, I was able to close the deal perfectly. So, let’s go. Let’s celebrate. I bought a cake. You’re favorite triple chocolate cake. The one you told me about before. Remember?” I added while grabbing his hands. But he just stared at me sadly.

“Why?” I nervously asked.

He never said anything. He just handed me a white envelope. I feel extremely scared as I saw the chest drawer open. I remembered that I’ve kept the letter granting his extended tourist visa and replaced it with a visitation visa in that same drawer. Now, I feel much scared. And I hated this feeling at all. When I opened the envelope, I was right. It was the letter I’ve received a few days ago—the letter I’ve been hiding from him. The letter I don’t want him to see because that would mean he can now leave for good. I know that was so selfish of me to decide on. But at that moment, the only thing I could think of is that I wanted him to stay even just for a short moment.

“Why?”  He asked. “How could you do this to me? I trusted you, George, even if I just barely knew you. I shared with you my story. But I just never thought that of all the people who could do this to me, it was you.” He added while trying to control his anger.

I don’t know what to say. I couldn’t find any perfect word to justify what I did because I know that would mean just merely excuses. I couldn’t even control my tears. I hate crying because I don’t want to look pathetic. But at that very moment, it’s the only thing I can do. It’s the only thing I could think of—to feel sorry about what I did.

“I’m sorry, Jac.” I apologize. “I’m sorry,” I added while holding his hands. But he just walks away.

I never thought of the consequences of lying to someone until this day came—now I know what my mom was always telling me when I was still young about how bad it is to tell lies to people. I guess there’s always a first time of everything. And those first times could not always mean on the good side. I wanted to follow him. But I was just so sorry to do so. I thought maybe that best thing to do is to give him space—a time to think things over and maybe after that—that he’s finally sober up, we could eventually talk better.

I let the night passes by without contacting him even if my heart tells me to. I even slept on the sofa while waiting for him to come home even if that would be so pointless to do so since I know he got no reason to come back. I wanted to hide those tears even from my best friend. I don’t want to give her more worries. She already has a fair share of it in life. That’s why when she arrived, I’ve been trying to be okay.

“HI!” She happily greeted. “Congratulations. You’re the best, George.” She added while giving me a hug and a bunch of flowers. “So, where’s the food? I’m so hungry right now. Come on. Let’s eat, please.” While grabbing me into the table.

“I just got some rice,” I said quickly.

“Where’s your new friend?” she asked while eating. “I mean Jac. I couldn’t see him around. Did he sleep already? Well, it’s still early to sleep.”

“He just went outside for a while,” I answered pretending things to be okay.

“Okay.” She uttered. “You don’t want to join me?”

“It’s okay. I’m already full.” I said. “I’ll just go to my room.”

It’s already past 10 pm, and he’s not yet home. I don’t know why I’ve been waiting for him like a fool. I couldn’t sleep at all. I went to the living room to wait for him until I got a message from him—he wanted to talk. I went to the place he texted me a while ago with a thought that I should do my best to ask for his forgiveness.

“Have a seat.” He said politely. “Do you want anything to drink? Coffee? Tea? Juice?”

“Nope,” I said bluntly. “I mean, I’m fine. I’m good.”

Imagine? We had a strained connection a while ago, and yet, he managed to be kind enough to me and offered me a seat plus a cup of drink. The more I felt sorry about what I did.

“I’m sorry for walking out just like that.” He started the conversation.

I was taken aback. I mean, why would he say sorry? I was the one at the fault of the situation. I was the one who lied to him. I broke his trust. How come he managed to be kind, gentle, and even say sorry to me? I keep processing everything in my mind of what was happening right now.

“What?” I confusingly asked. “I mean, why would you say sorry? I was the one who kept that letter from you.” I added.

“Just because,” He just said simply. “Well, I just thought that maybe you have a good reason to do so. Plus, you help me out. You give me a place to stay, food to eat and you help me out with my visa just so I could extend my stay—so that I would be able to find that courage to face my ex. I mean you have done a lot of things for me when instead you don’t have to in the first place. So, I’ll just call it a quit.” He explained in detail.

But still, my mind is not wise enough to process everything. It’s like a computer being hacked on something—it’s very lag.

“Wait,” I said. “That’s it? Just because I let you stay at my place, give you food and help you extend your visa, you call it even? Wait… wait… I don’t get it.” I confusingly asked.

“It’s quiet. Period. That’s it. No comma, no dash or an exclamation point or something, we’re even now.” He proudly said. “But, on one condition though.” He quickly added.

And the look on his face tells me he is up to something. I always have these guts that his condition is not beneficial to my part. From the way he smiles, I know he’s planning something fishy.

“You have to tell me your reason behind it.” He said casually.

“What?” I shouted. “Why?” Why would you need to know? You said it’s a quit, so it’s a quit. Period. No more and no less. That’s it.” I quickly explained while I hurriedly went outside. “Bye! Good night.”

“Hey! Wait for me.” He followed me immediately.

He ran towards me and forcing me to speak up while I managed to keep silent about it. We are like children playing on the street innocently. Laughing. Playing catch me if you can. We just stopped momentarily when we saw some people staring at us and if they’re gone, we continued teasing each other. And just like that, we had reconciled. I mean I was disgusted a while ago to myself for hiding that letter from him. I was bothered about how to ask for his forgiveness. And just like that, everything was settled. I never thought he was just too considerate to understand the situation. Or maybe that’s just how he is. And the more I know how good a person he was, the more I like him. The more I fall for him.

Maybe this is what they call first steps in love. But wait, it’s “first steps on this one-sided love” of mine to be exact. It was a bit rough at first. I guess this is what they always said that the first steps are always the toughest step to take since you don’t know where that first step would take you— whether it would grow or just die eventually. Even myself, I don’t know where this first step of mine will take me in the end. I don’t know if I could get a positive response or just a simple thank you but no thanks. I don’t know. But all I know is that I am happy about taking that first step to knowing him. The first step to listen to his pain. The first step to hear his cry. The first step to lend a hand. The first step to trust him. And first, step to like him even just secretly.