The Last Dance of Low Seward

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COLD JANUARY RAIN SPIT into Ray’s straining face. A mix of sweat and dirt dripped from his greasy hair. Polluted water filled the deep lines in his weathered skin as he cursed into the offending sky. It trickled out of the gloom in a misting stream, as though the clouds were trying to pass a kidney stone and piss was spraying out around the obstruction.

Soaked through, wishing to pass into the hereafter, the details of Ray’s diet from the past day ran through his head. A tight fist squeezed his intestines as potential culinary culprits flashed across his memory.

He was usually careful about his pickings before he indulged in a meal. Fast food was the choice of most homeless people. The constant piles of garbage and open dumpsters made it a simple solution for a grumbling stomach. But Ray couldn’t eat that crap anymore.

A couple of years ago, he’d opened a door to a world he shouldn’t have and got a bullet in his guts for the trouble. He thought having his digestive system blown to bits would’ve kept him from living a normal life, but his scar tissue had healed enough he didn’t even limp when he walked. The biggest challenge became what he ate. Processed junk didn’t agree with him and he couldn’t exactly do his shopping in the organic section of Whole Foods. Good thing Ray Cobb was a resourceful guy.

The restaurants of celebrity chefs had grown in number as more cooking challenge shows were splayed across the cable networks. A couple choice visits to the public library showed him who the best restaurateurs were; who used the best ingredients, who didn’t favor art over portion size, and most important, which chefs were perfectionists. High-end restaurants focused on small, flavorful portions, leaving the dumpsters filled with nothing more than carrot peelings and shrimp husks. However, perfectionist chefs would rather have their eyelids branded shut than serve anything that didn’t meet their exacting standards. The result was a lot of dumped plates of great food. Delicious to the palates of the unrefined, garbage to the chef who detected a dash too much fennel.

These goodies were kept under tight security, the dumpsters locked to prevent wandering street scroungers from digging through the upscale leavings. Another short visit to the library taught Ray how to make a simple locksmith’s bump key. A less intelligent guy would take this information and delve straight into a life of crime, then earn a stint in county lockup after a botched attempt at breaking and entering, but Ray had spent enough time in holding cells to know he didn’t want to upgrade to an orange jumpsuit.

As far as he knew, there wasn’t a garbage theft division of the LAPD. There were plenty of people arrested for trying to break into scrap yards, but not too many people busted for breaking the lock off a dumpster. Besides, Ray never damaged the lock. He just opened it, took what he needed, and sealed it back up, allowing him multiple hits on the same location with no one the wiser. Unfortunately, Ray must have made the mistake of digging up the wrong plate of grilled quail with plum char-siu.

And the problems kept piling on. Aside from the pissing rain and the knots in his stomach, Kelvin the Chatter had latched onto him.

Fucking Kelvin.

Plenty of homeless wandered the streets talking to themselves, having conversations with no one. Angry rants, hair pulling, heads beaten raw against brick walls—these were the people who scared the normal citizenry, causing city council meetings about cleaning up the streets. But as long as the ranters were engaged in an uninterrupted debate with their imaginary friends, they were content in their own little worlds.

Chatters were a different breed. They lacked the common courtesy to keep their conversations private. Lampreys of the homeless world.

“So you see, that’s why... that’s why, man, you gotta avoid anybody with contact lenses. That’s where they put the cameras. You’ve done enough to get off the grid to avoid them man, cuz—”

“Get the f**k away from me,” Ray strained.

Ray had screamed, thrown stones, and even beaten Kelvin with a fallen branch. Every attempt to get rid of the dirty son of a b***h had failed. When he thought Kelvin was gone for good, a needle of pain would stab at him and he’d have to stop. And when he stopped, it was always long enough for Kelvin to either build up enough courage to approach him again, or forget Ray was the man who’d beat him with sticks.

Another powerful ripple sent an aftershock through his abdomen and Ray doubled over.

“No, you gotta listen, man, this s**t here is important, lemme tell you—”

Ray sprang from his squat, rage taking over. He pressed his elbow down onto The Chatter’s sternum, hoping he could snap one of his ribs and puncture one of his lungs, silencing the stream of bullshit. The Chatter flailed beneath him, eyes bulged, face red.

“Shut. The. f**k. U—”

Ray’s bowels trumpeted, filling his pants with warm wetness.

“Ah, f**k me,” Ray cursed to himself.

He let go of The Chatter’s neck and rolled off of him. Shitting his pants had sobered Ray out of his fury and relieved much of the tension in his GI tract.

He sat in his own filth and smiled with strange gratitude as he looked at the limp body beside him. He checked Kelvin’s pulse and sighed in relief when he found a heartbeat, shallow but present. Ray had killed before, but had never murdered anybody. He wasn’t about to start a life of homicide because some asshole wouldn’t shut up.

Ray kicked his shoes off, along with his soiled pants and underwear, using the cleanest parts to wipe away the residue dripping into his socks. He tossed his dungarees into the bushes and yanked off Kelvin’s pants from the ankles. Stealing a man’s pants went against Ray’s code of ethics, but the chatty f**k had caused him to lose control of his temper and his sphincter. Ray considered it a win he hadn’t choked the life out of the talkative bastard.

He slipped on his victim’s pants and found them too tight to button. He didn’t mind. His gut needed as much room as he could give it.

The Chatter was beginning to groan back to life as Ray made his way down the hill through the trees. He transferred his small collection of possessions into his pockets and found five bucks in the jeans. It was the first good thing to happen to him in the last twenty-four hours.

The pharmacy on Hill Street was still open, one of the few glowing lights in Chinatown. As Ray stepped through the automatic doors, he passed by another skinny homeless man writing on a stolen sales flyer with a broken pencil, the paper close to his face.

“Hey, Notebook,” Ray said.

The common street fixture, Garrett “Notebook” Wilson, didn’t bother to grunt in reply.

“Fourteen different kinds of gum, nine types of mints, one cunt-sucking prick face,” Notebook said to himself. He walked through the parking lot up toward the highway.

“Good to see you too, Notebook,” Ray called to the skinny man’s back, not expecting an answer.

He took a glance down the aisles, looking for a restroom sign. Nothing.

“You got a bathroom in here?” he asked the clerk running the only open register.

“You guys part of a club or something? Employees only.”

“Make an exception?”

He presented his newly acquired five bucks.

The clerk gave him a look before sighing into, “You gonna buy something?”

Ray figured the clerk must have been the “cunt-sucking prick face” Notebook cataloged. He shoved the worn bill back into his pocket and headed into the store, tempted to drop his pants in the aisle next to the Ruffles and Oreos, leaving the smug dickhead behind the counter to clean up after him.

He grabbed a Snickers and shook it in the security mirror the clerk was using to keep an eye on him. Another lap of the store brought him to the stomach aides and he was able to swipe a box of chewable Pepto-Bismol off the shelf and shove it into his pocket when the clerk decided to answer an incoming text message.

Ray plunked the candy bar and a bottle of water down on the counter and flicked the crumpled five-dollar bill at the clerk.

“Now can I use your toilet?”

“Employees only,” the clerk said.

Ray’s anger bubbled just below the surface, but he’d already expended enough adrenaline taking out Kelvin.

“Keep the change,” Ray grumbled.

The clerk scoffed at him as he picked the cash up off the floor and shoved it into the register. He made a point to squeeze out a handful of anti-bacterial gel. As the doors slid open, Ray heard the clerk mumble under his breath, “f**k you, you filthy hobo.” It gave him pause, but Ray decided it wasn’t worth getting into another scrum. He stepped back into the rain.

With half the box of Pepto chewed and washed down, even the waft of pink wintergreen wasn’t strong enough to get the residual smell of his accident out of his nose.

He sighed and rubbed the familiar scars under his shirt. The cramps were still present, but dulled. He’d feel better once he had a chance to lie down.

The neon lights of the Foo-Chow Restaurant were a beacon in the distance. Home sweet home.

While most of the city was trying to decide whether it was worth their rental dollars to get a one bedroom with a bigger living room in exchange for access to a washer and dryer, Ray had a smaller list of amenity requests. Warm and dry were at the top of the list. It was also nice to find a place where he wouldn’t be ass-raped by a broken bottle in his sleep. If Ray managed to find a special corner of Los Angeles he could make his own, soon there was going to be somebody ready to fight him for it. He tended to avoid altercations, but it was part of life on the streets. He’d won just as many fights as he’d lost, and found even when he’d won a claim, it never seemed worth the cracked tooth or bruised ribs.

The 1974 Chevy Impala abandoned in the Foo-Chow parking lot looked like it had been sitting there for decades. The hood was almost completely rusted through. Small patches of dull yellow paint along the door panels were the only things betraying the car’s original color. The tires had probably been flat when the car was left for dead, all of them rotted off the frames, strings of rubber melted into the pavement, the rims scraping the blacktop. Most of the interior had been chewed through, tufts of soiled cotton-poly filling spilling out among the rusty springs and rat droppings. Some other resident had layered the inside in newspaper, old enough to be cracking with age. When Ray found it, there didn’t appear to be anyone living in it. His claim to the warm place to sleep had gone unchallenged for a week. Ever since his bowels had rebelled, he’d dreamt of curling up in a fetal position in the back seat.

The Foo-Chow valet lit a cigarette in the doorway of the restaurant and headed down the street, popping the collar of his windbreaker against the damp. The cherry of his cigarette struggled to glow in the rain. Based on the Impala’s fixture in the lot, Ray doubted the valet gave a s**t whether or not anybody lived in it, but with his intestinal difficulties, he didn’t want to run the risk of being found out. He waited until the lights inside the restaurant went dark, leaving only the humming glow of neon.

His hand was on the door handle before he saw the form of a body in the backseat through the dust-layered window.

“Are you f*****g kidding me?”

Ray was in no physical condition to get into another fight. Even if he got a drop on the car’s new resident, there was no guarantee he would have the upper hand.

Ready to put a fist through the window, Ray took a deep breath and two steps back. Remembering the candy bar he’d bought, he unwrapped it with shaking hands and dug into it, the first food he’d had since that morning. It wasn’t going to be good for his sensitive stomach, but he hoped the sugar rush would provide him with enough energy to send the squatter packing. He was so pissed off, he needed to find comfort in anything that might turn the day in his favor.

He sucked at the caramel stuck to his teeth as he made his way into the alley behind the restaurant. The residents of the surrounding apartments treated the alley like they’d never left the Shanghai slums. There was rotting detritus strewn about everywhere. Stained clothes and stinking trash overflowed in small narrows where garbage trucks didn’t fit and sanitation workers didn’t investigate. Ray pried an old two-by-four off the pile of a half-built shed, complete with a snarl of rusty nails. If he couldn’t best his new nemesis, at least he could give the fucker tetanus.

Ray whipped open the door of the Impala, the two-by-four raised over his head.

“Hey, fuckface. Find some other place to sleep.”

The figure didn’t stir.

“Hey!”

He kicked the sole of the man’s dirty bare foot.

Nothing.

Ray smiled. The drunk asshole fell asleep in the wrong spot, now he would wake up on the wet pavement.

He placed the two-by-four at his feet, careful to keep it within range if the guy came to, grabbed the drunk’s ankles, and yanked. The weight didn’t move easily and a load of old newspaper came along with him out onto the blacktop. The drunk’s bare feet slammed into the pavement with a force Ray was sure would rouse him awake, but no dice. Wanting to get more leverage, he grabbed the guy by the collar of his jacket and pulled, hoping to get him as far away from the car as possible. After a couple steps, his feet slipped from underneath him and he fell on his ass, the drunk’s head resting in his lap. It wasn’t until that moment that Ray noticed how loose the drunk’s neck was.

The blinking neon sign highlighted the man’s face with a glow of pink and green. It didn’t matter how blitzed Ray got, he never passed out with his eyes open. And the red lines ringing the man’s throat were a sure sign he hadn’t died of natural causes.

“Fuck.”

Eyewitnesses tended to misremember things, but if he was lucky enough to get someone who saw him drag the body out of the car instead of being the one who put it there, there’d be a reason his fingerprints were speckled all over the victim’s jacket.

He pushed the body off his lap and got back to his feet. He looked around to see if there was anyone in the area. The street was empty.

If he left the body out in the rain, it would be discovered right away. If not that night, then first thing in the morning. By that time, the rain would’ve washed away most of the evidence of Ray’s tampering, but it would also wash away any evidence of whoever had actually killed the guy.

He decided his best bet would be to get the body back into the car, preserving anything that hadn’t already been washed away, then he’d call it in. He’d spent enough time trying to avoid police interference to know calling them wasn’t always the best course of action. Then again, he was more likely to get a fair shake if he called in the body. The murderer only called the police in the plots of those cheap novels shelved across from the toilet paper in the supermarket.

Ray put his hands under the man’s armpits. He noticed the suit coat was well-tailored, raindrops beading on the shiny wool. If the guy had been breathing, Ray might’ve thought to take it as a toll for occupying his squat, a warm coat to match his new pants. The sleeves bunched up as he dragged the heavy corpse and he caught the faint outline of a tattoo on the dead man’s forearm. Whoever this guy was, he wasn’t in Ray’s social circle.

A flash of rotating red and blue halted his movement. He dropped the body and placed his hands over his head.

There was a new sinking feeling in his stomach and it had nothing to do with what he’d eaten.