Rebel Hearts

Two: Ash Gray

Two: Ash Gray

My fingers hurt from gripping the pen all day. I have been studying nonstop for the whole day. I bit my lower lip while the teacher turned her back from me. My fingers became numb from writing notes and solving problems since early in the morning.

"We are done for the day, Miss Dy. Are you fine?" my teacher, Miss Alice, asked me.

"I'm fine," I said plainly and pulled the glass of water in front of me to drink. I watched her fix her files. She smiled at me before slouching on the seat in front of me.

My eyes met hers and the familiar expression irritated me. Although irritation already spread through my body, I kept mum. I looked away and started gathering the pens and highlighters on the table.

"Are you not tired? You have been studying nonstop even though it's summer vacation," she mumbled.

"I'm not tired," I answered simply. Basically, I don't have the luxury to be tired. I need to do better from now on. "I can't relax, Miss. I have responsibilities so I need to work harder from now on."

"But it's summer vacation," she reasoned out.

I understand her. I know what she is talking about but I can't do that.

"You should be with your family doing family trips and travels," she looked at me worriedly.

"My family does not do that," I shook my head and sighed. I wanted the day to be over with.

"Why?" Miss Alice asked again.

I simply shook my head. "Simply because traveling together posed greater risks."

"What do you mean?" she asked curiously.

Miss Alice is my teacher since I entered senior high school. She is a teacher from Beoford High School. She was hired by my parents to teach me because I am in a homeschool program. Since I was a child, my parents had me homeschooled. I had different teachers for each school year corresponding to my grade level. Miss Alice became my teacher since I entered Grade 11 up until now.

We became closer than before because she was always here in our house to teach me, that is why she could ask me personal things like this.

"We can't travel together," I answered quietly. "Travelling together means bringing all the children in one vehicle or aircraft that could be involved in an accident."

"Wow," she said in awe. "I can't believe that's true. I thought it was just a myth. I don't really understand rich people at all."

She shook her head while chuckling. I looked at her in curiosity. She doesn't seem poor. She looked average to me.

"You're not poor," I murmured. My eyes widened after realizing my bluntness. "I'm sorry."

"I did not mean it that way," I said.

She laughed.

"I understand," she smiled. "My family is average income earners. We could eat three times a day and have work enough to feed the whole family but compared to your family, we are rat poor."

I kept quiet.

"Maybe you don't have a clue for now but comparing someone like me to your family is impossible. You are rich so you don't understand. Maybe that is the reason," she continued.

I don't know what to say.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled.

"You don't have to apologize for something, not your fault," she smiled and drunk the juice on the table. "I actually admire you, Soraia. You don't slack off when it comes to studying. You fully understand that studying and learning are the most important things in life."

"Admire me?" I asked in shock. "There is nothing to admire about me at all. I'm boring and plain..."

She smiled.

"You don't see what I see, Soraia. You are a kind lady. You are kind, intelligent, and beautiful. That is enough to admire," she chuckled and stood from her seat. "I will be going now. Our session has ended for today."

I blinked a few times before abruptly standing from my seat. I kept my hands near my stomach as I watched her fixed her things.

"Thank you for teaching me," I gave her a slight bow as a sign of respect. She smiled before going out of the door.

I quietly gathered the papers on the table and compiled them in my binder. Miss Alice taught me advanced topics in all subjects from English, Mathematics, Science, Chemistry, Physics, Calculus, and many more. Miss Alice is a really good teacher. She is intelligent enough to impressed Ahma and my parents.

Before sending Miss Alice to be my teacher, she underwent series of reviews and interviews. Ahma and my parents wanted the best teacher they could find, so they asked the school to send them resumes with the applicants' curriculum vitae.

When Miss Alice passed the preliminary interviews and reviews of the school board, she was sent to our house for the next round of interviews and exams. She passed them all with flying colors. She impressed Ahma with her intelligence. After two months, she became my teacher.

I finished organizing my things when the door sounded with a knock. A female maid went peeked inside.

"Miss, your piano teacher will arrive in an hour," she murmured.

"Why is he late?" I asked. He is running late for our lesson.

"I don't know, miss," she sighed. "Is there something you need?"

"Bring snacks in the piano room. I will meet him there," I breathed out as I picked up my binder.

I walked out of the library and went to my room to refresh myself. My fingers were tired from writing so much on the paper. My wrists were numbed from my study session. I want to lay down and sleep to rest my body. I leaned on my seat and closed my eyes.

I don't have a choice but to attend the lessons scheduled for today. I personally don't like skipping lessons or schedules made for the day.

With aching arms and hands, I grabbed my phone above the bedside table.

"Let's see..." I murmured as I scrolled down my phone.

I still have my two-hour piano lesson for this afternoon. After the piano lesson, the taekwondo teacher will go here. I sighed before placing my phone back on the table. I went to my bed and lay down.

I want to rest early. My body is screaming from exhaustion but the schedules piled up today made me guilty. I still have to attend those. I don't want to bother my parents anymore. I need to do my duties and responsibilities. All I have to do is fulfill the schedules they made for me.

"I need to go now," I forced myself to get out of bed. I went to the piano room to wait for my teacher there.

I was sitting in front of the piano when the maid knocked to announced her presence. She carefully put the trays of snacks on the far table.

"Why was he late?" I asked her.

She looked at me and smiled gently. "He came here straight from the airport, miss."

"I see," I sighed and looked away.

Even though sleep fought my determination, I tried hard to not fall asleep while waiting for my teacher. I wanted to lay on the couch inside the piano room but that would be disrespectful to my teacher.

"I'm sorry!" the male teacher, Gilbert, said as soon as he saw me in front of the piano.

I smiled plainly.

"Please drink and eat snacks before we start. I heard you just came from the airport," I gave him a gentle smile.

Gilbert is my piano teacher since I was in junior high school. He was an award-winning Filipino pianist based in Italy. My parents saw him perform while accompanying my brother in Europe for his recital when he was in high school. They made it happen for Gilbert to become my piano teacher.

We talked for a while before starting. I watched him dozed off while sitting quietly near the piano. I don't have the heart to wake him. I knew why he was tired. He just came from the airport and the flight must have exhausted him too much.

I started picking up on where we left off. I started practicing this piece last year. I bit my lip as I heard my rapid fingers going off-timing whenever I changed keys.

An hour had passed and I was still on the same page of the music sheet. Gilbert looked at me worriedly.

"Are you fine? I can sense that you're tired," he said quietly.

It's true. I really want to go and sleep.

"No," I sighed and begun playing the keys once again.

Gilbert guided me throughout the lesson. He pointed out the mistakes and habits that I need to fix to be able to play better.

The two-hour piano lesson ended a while ago. Gilbert left the house immediately due to his personal business.

I went down to the living room to rest for a while. I want to cry myself to exhaustion. Sometimes, when I'm alone and thinking, I pity myself. Moments like this where everyone is busy with their own world, I am left thinking and alone.

I have no one to talk to besides the maids and house staff walking around our house. My parents are always out of town. They are busy handling the family business. They rarely go home. My siblings have their own duties and responsibilities to attend to.

Lin, being the eldest, was always busy handling the other business and talking to our associates. He was expected to handle the business so he had to work on that. My younger brother has his academic lessons, music lessons, and sports to attend to just like me.

In this big house of ours, loneliness is a typical thing. Maybe that is the reason why I see myself as someone common and boring. I don't emit the thrilling vibe other people have in this age. They trained to be calm and collected all the time. They trained me to be at my utmost control. No unnecessary activities, actions, words should come out of my mouth.

My day ended with taekwondo practice. I chose taekwondo as my sports and martial arts training as what my grandmother told me to do. I started taking taekwondo lessons in my elementary years.

My body was sore all over. I couldn't move a muscle so I had Carla prepare my bath. I usually prepare my own bath but I am too tired to even manage to do that. Soaking my body in warm and fragrant water helped me relax.

After an hour soaking my body in water, I went to bed and tried to sleep. I tried closing my eyes but my mind ran miles. I wished I could immediately fell asleep.

It's been months since I became like this. It became hard for me to sleep at night. The silent night produced unwanted thoughts in my head. No matter how many times I roll on my bed to come up with a comfortable sleeping position, sleep is nowhere to be found in my body.

My mind flew to my unconscious brother at the hospital. He is in there for about three months now. My heart numbed when I remember his bruised and frail body on the bed. I pitied my brother so much.

I wished I could turn off my brain so I would be able to sleep. This kind of life tires me so much. I knew deep inside me I wanted to be free. I wanted to do the things normal people do in their daily lives. I want to leave all these responsibilities and schedules. I want to live my life according to my wants and plans.

I have been living my life based on their wants. I couldn't do anything about it. Every time I would think of rebelling and living my life the way I want, I feel bad. The colors of my life had been painted since I was born. The colors I see were limited to monochrome tones of black and white. I hate that I am weak.

This preplanned life is turning me to dust.