Dear No One

Chapter One - Lemons

"Everything you do can be done better from a place of relaxation." - Stephen C. Paul

~

Dear No One,

They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Screw the lemons and lemonades, that saying is full of s**t. I just want to go back in time and change everything! f**k f**k f**k! Why me? Why ruin everything that I hoped and worked for?

This might not have happened if I had been there with him. Like physically with him. But, I can't believe none of this would have happened if I had only been there for that son of a bitch.. Who am I kidding? From what I know, it happened twice. Who is to say it might have happened so many more times behind my back, right? Ugh, disgusting piece of s**t.

Oh God, it is too early for this. I can't right now.

I find a comfortable position in my bed. Keep the blanket on, lie on my side, maybe my other side. Yeah, this might work. Less movement, just close your eyes.

I convince myself that I can go back to sleep for a few more hours and deal with the consequences later. But damn, my mind would just not shut down.

Since the day I found out about his betrayal, I have not slept enough. I sleep late, I wake up when the sun starts to rise. I find it enjoyable locking myself inside my room for hours on end, staring at the walls, watching a movie or two, then my mind will turn masochist on me and will conjure up memories of my ex and I together, will see him everywhere in my room, in the kitchen, the living room, the bathroom, name it. He's f*****g everywhere I look.

There's not a day that I do not think about him and cry myself to sleep. Let us not forget my lovely appetite. It could compare with the appetite of a dying dog; no appetite at all. I feel sick and traumatized, emotionally and mentally abused. My poor heart can only take so much.

But I need to keep appearances, you know. I mean, I do not want my family to worry about me more than they already have. They have enough things to worry about and I do not want to add more to them. I want to show them that I am strong, and convince myself that I can live through this. So many people in the world have, so I will be just fine. Even if the truth is, it is an everyday struggle to fight my demons.

I know it is not the end of the world when the person you cherish the most cheats on you on so many levels. It is the fact that he did it, not just once, God knows how many times he did it, even after all that we've been through, the good and the bad times, the happiest and ugliest of our relationship, all of it.

This is not your typical just months or a year, or a couple of years dating. We are talking about ten years of dating. Ten years of my fricking life seems wasted on a f*****g douche s***h ass face s***h dipshit of a man dressed in sheep's clothing, but in reality, he's the big bad wolf and still acts like he is entitled to have a second chance or to even be talking to me via chat. Where are his balls right? He could not even be bothered to come into my house and explain everything, to even apologize to me and my family.

We are not just long-time boyfriend and girlfriend. We had already decided to get married last year. But due to the pandemic and the long-distance relationship that we had, it became impossible for the wedding to push through.

Actually, this s--I was startled with my train of thoughts. I stopped writing and closed my diary when I felt, rather than heard, the vibrations of my phone. Crap, why is it in silent mode? I switched it off from being silent.

It's my Mom. I answered the call, "Honey, would you be a dear and come downstairs? You haven't eaten yet and it's already past lunch. Eat with us, please? I prepared bacon, sunny side up, and a freshly baked loaf and cookies just for you. There's rice too if you want that instead of the loaf." Her tone tinged with hopefulness, a little bit of sadness, and a smile. My heart clenched so ever slightly.

Oh yeah, I need to eat and not mope around and feel sorry for myself, and for the loss, I feel like I will always carry in my heart. "Be right there in 10, Mom," I sit up, swing my feet to the side, and stood up from my bed. "Alright, sweetie. Bye," "See ya."

I go to my wardrobe to grab a pair of loose shorts just above the knee length, undies and brassiere, and a loose white shirt with a print in front that says F.R.I.E.N.D.S. With my clothes in my hands, I quickly led myself to the bathroom to shower and brush my teeth.

When I'm done, I descend the stairs. I did not bother with my hair. I have cute and big wave-like curls, I usually just air dry them. It has a mood like a person. There are times when it's really pretty and wavy when it feels like it, and times when it's having a bad hair day, it's all frizzy and angry. It's so frustrating most of the time.

As I reached the dining table, my phone pinged. Oh, that son of a b***h.