KATOMI - RISE OF THE FAE QUEEN

CHAPTER 21 – PANIC ATTACK

KATOMI’S POV

I leant my head back against the soft seat and closed my eyes, I was glad the lunch went well, though I wish Wyatt had told his mother that I couldn’t have children, I felt awful that I didn’t tell her the truth, she was so excited for Wyatt and I to start a family, she even confirmed what I already knew about Wyatt, he longed to have children of his own, everyone in the pack would expect us to have an heir once I was marked and just like Charlotte everyone would be watching me, waiting for the announcement of a child that would never come.

Even if by some miracle I did fall pregnant and the child survived, it would still be born part Fae, I would have to give birth in secret and use magic to alter my babies appearance like I had to alter mine, it had been so long since I’d looked upon my true form, every day I hid my true face, she was a stranger to me now, I felt like I was dishonouring my mother, like I was ashamed of her, like I was

betraying her, would my baby have to feel this way, this fear.

The crushing feeling of despair I felt every time I thought of this took my breath away, I tried to take deep breaths like my dad had taught me as a child when I had panic attacks but I couldn’t catch my breath, I felt as though a crushing weight was baring down on me

‘Liam please pull the car over’ I asked when we were halfway home, we’d been driving the back road to Wyatt's house and the trees were getting thicker and closer together, Wyatt liked his privacy and lived deeper into the woods then the rest of the pack.

‘Is there something wrong Luna?’ He asked, he was looking at me in the mirror with a panicked expression as I held my chest

‘Please just stop the car’ Liam quickly put on the breaks, and I pushed the door open

‘Please wait here’

‘Luna I shouldn’t’

‘STAY’ I growled, as I flew out of the car I raced into the trees, I knew Wyatt still had guards following me, I could smell their scents, but I hoped they would keep their distance.

I reached a large fallen tree and fell onto my hands and knees beside it, I took long gasping breaths, trying to calm down, I hadn’t had a panic attack in years, why now, why was it becoming harder to keep my walls up, it hurt more than I could even believe, knowing I’d taken something so precious away from Wyatt, knowing I was betraying him with my lie every day we were together.

I turned over and sat down, my back against the tree and I pulled up my knees, I looked up at the sky, hating that there was no sun light, the storm clouds had completely covered the sky now and there were sounds of distant thunder Tears fell silently down my face as I took shaky breaths, it was only a minute later that I felt the familiar prickling of someone trying to link me, it was Wyatt but I closed off my mind, I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I wanted to let myself fall apart, just for a moment.

I reached into the left side of my bra and pulled out my mother’s hidden image, she was so lovely, her long white hair was identical to mine and fell down her face

She held me in her arms, the baby me, was reaching up and touching her chin while she smiled down at me, it was the first photo my father ever took of us after he'd rescued us from Raemair

‘I miss you’ I whispered to the photo as though she could actually hear me ‘Why did you leave me, you could have hidden with me but you left me all alone’

‘Kat?’ Remi said gently ‘Mate is trying to talk to us’

‘I don’t know how to do this’ I cried to Remi ‘I don’t know how to be Fae, I don’t know how to be Lycan, I’m both and neither, I’ll never belong’

‘You do belong’ She said softly ‘You belong with me, with Kai, with Wyatt’

‘I don’t want to hide anymore’ I wept ‘I’m so tired Remi, I’m just so tired, I want to go home’

‘Don’t cry Kat’ Remi pleaded, her own voice thick with pain ‘I love you, I’m here for you, this is our home now, mate is our home’

‘I thought once I was 18 I could go back’ I admitted ‘I never cared about ruling, I just wanted to be connected to my people again, I never thought my mate would be here, I never thought Wyatt would ever be mine, it was just a crush, it was just meant to be a crush and now I can’t let him go, I don’t know the right thing to do, where do I belong, where am I meant to be, why did the goddess do this’

‘Kat, I’

‘Please Remi’ I pleaded ‘I need quiet, please just let me calm down’

I closed my eyes and took another breath, as I calmed down I remembered that Liam would be waiting, he would be worried, I shakily rose to my feet and brushed off the dirt and leaves from my dress and wiped my face on my sleeve before walking back to the car but I froze when I saw Wyatt by the car, he was pulling on a pair of loose shorts, he must have run here in Kai’s form.

‘WHERE IS SHE!’ He roared at Liam before he smelt the air for my scent

‘Wyatt?’ I called out in confusion ‘What are you?’

Before I could finish my sentence, Wyatt had spun and raced over to me, pulling me into a bone crushing hug, his whole body was shaking in fear.

‘KAT!’ He cried out in relief

‘What’s wrong?’ I asked ‘Was there an attack?’

Wyatt pulled back and check me over ‘What happened?’ He asked, looking me over ‘Why did you take off?’

Oh, Liam or one of the guards must have told Wyatt I’d ran into the woods having a panic attack

‘I’m fine’ I smiled and touched his face ‘I just wanted some space’

‘Everyone is dismissed’ Wyatt called out and I heard people rushing off through the woods ‘Liam, shift and head back, I’m taking the car’

‘Yes Alpha’ Liam said, he gave me a worried glance before running into the woods, pulling off his shirt as he went

‘Talk to me Kat’ Wyatt ran his fingers down my cheek

‘You shouldn’t have come’ I told him ‘I’m fine and you were busy’

‘I finished everything an hour ago’ He told me ‘I was just waiting for you, now answer me, what happened?’

I leant in and pressed my face against his chest and wrapped my arms around his waist

‘I was just feeling overwhelmed’ I admitted ‘I needed some air but I’m alright now’

‘I should have waited to tell you’ He groaned and held me tighter ‘You weren’t ready for the pressure of running the packs’

‘That’s not what overwhelmed me’ I whispered ‘The packs I can handle’

‘Then what’s wrong?’ He asked in frustration, hating that he didn’t know ‘Please Kat, let me help’

‘You can’t help me with this’ I admitted ‘Talking won’t help, I’m ok now, please just let it go’

‘No’ He growled ‘It kills me seeing you so distraught, please tell me’

I looked up at him and took another steadying breath ‘Why didn’t you tell your mom that I can’t have children’

Wyatt’s face froze and he took a step back ‘Did she say something to you?’ He growled ‘I told her not to bring up children’

‘It wasn’t her fault’ I defended her ‘She didn’t know, I tried to tell her the truth but she… she was so excited’ I felt tears in my eyes again ‘She said that you were so excited’

‘Kat’ Wyatt sighed and touched my face

‘Everyone will expect a child’ I pointed out ‘Everyone will pity you because of me, because you got stuck with a Luna who failed you’

‘You could never fail me’ Wyatt took my face in his hands ‘Please Kat, for the last time, I want you, I don’t care what the pack will think, I don’t care what anyone thinks and besides, there are things we can try, things your family might not have tried, in order to get this silver out of your blood, I have a lot of contacts, I know a lot of powerful witches’

‘We’ve tried everything’ I groaned ‘It’s all in the medical history folder I gave you, everything we’ve attempted and every time, it fails, is this why you don’t care that I can’t fall pregnant, because you’re holding on to this hope that one day, somehow I can be cured, and you’ll finally get your heir’

‘I’m holding on to hope for you Kat’ He explained ‘Not for me, I can see how much it breaks your heart, you want to be mother one day, I see it in your eyes whenever you’re around children, I hate that I’m the cause of your pain, I hate that you feel like you’re failing me, you’re not, I swear you’re not’

Wyatt pulled me and hugged me tightly ‘Please don’t think about this anymore’ He pleaded ‘I’ll take care of everything, I’ll take care of you, I’ll make every dream you have come true, all you have to do is ask, I’ll do anything for you, give you anything, anything

Kat, if you want to be a mother, I’ll make it happen for you’

‘It will never happen’ I went on sadly ‘I decided last year that I was done trying, please don’t give me hope when there isn’t any, I was finally making peace with this’

‘There is always hope’ He continued ‘Baby I’ve lived a lot longer then you, I’ve seen powerful witches do things you couldn’t even believe, I will get this s**t out of you!’

I didn’t continue to argue, there was no point, he was even more stubborn then I was and it felt nice having him want to help, I wanted to let this dream live, this hope that somehow he could find a cure but then I remembered that even if he could cure me, I still couldn’t give him an heir, he wouldn’t want a half breed, the line of Lycan Kings had always been pure blood, would he accept an heir that was part Fae.

We stood together, holding onto each other for a long time, it wasn’t until it started raining that Wyatt pulled back and led me to the car, helping me inside before going over to the driver’s side

‘I’m sorry you must keep dealing with my problems’ I looked over at him as he started driving down the road ‘I’m sure you didn’t image having to deal with this kind of thing once you told me the truth’

‘Don’t apologize’ He told me firmly ‘I want your problems, I want your joy, I want everything, not just the parts of you, you think

I’ll like, I want the whole package and I’ll deal with whatever comes and be grateful that I have you at all’

‘You deserve someone better’ I murmured, more to myself ‘Someone stronger’

‘I’ll stick with you thanks’ Wyatt smirked at me, attempting to make me smile ‘I even want that smart ass mouth of yours’

I rolled my eyes ‘Yeah but only because you want to do something dirty to it’ I pointed out and Wyatt laughed and pulled my hand to his lips

‘That’s my girl’ He smiled at me ‘And for the record, it’s not just your mouth I want to do dirty things to’

‘Wyatt’ I blushed and shoved him, I suddenly felt so much lighter ‘How do you do that?’

‘Do what?’ He asked

‘Make everything better’ I exhaled ‘Even when I was little and upset, you’d make things better, whenever I’m with you, I feel so

light, so safe’

‘It’s because you are’ He promised ‘I’ll keep you safe, always’

‘I want to take care of you to’ I gripped his hand on my lap ‘I don’t always want to be taken care of, I want us to be equal’

Wyatt smiled at me ‘We are’ He said ‘But you have to remember Kat, I’m a lot older than you are and I’m an Alpha, it’s always going to be my instinct to protect you, to take control, you’ll have to patient with me’