Unbroken Love

Chapter 4-1

Chapter 4

Colombo Street

Dr. Andrew Volk’s Office

9:28 a.m.

Alistair sighed. “After the abortion, I can bet Emma even got Heather prepared before I arrived. As if she could share our pleasure.”

“Prepared as in…” Dr. Volk coached.

“Seductively dressed in lace, or spiked kinky clothes, or just naked. Waiting for me, horny. I only had to open my zipper to f**k her handcuffed to the door, strapped to the dining room table leg, collared and on all fours, bounded over the sofa. Our first f**k of the evening was never in the bedroom. Without foreplay. She liked it that way. It was all for me. As long as I came, she felt rewarded.”

“It aroused you.” It was not a question.

“Aye. One Saturday morning, I woke up to Heather servicing me while Emma s*****d and f****d her with a strap-on.” He grimaced. “I cannot say I didn’t like it.”

The doctor put his notebook and pencil on the table beside him. “We’ve already established that you sought help not only because you used s*x to fill an enormous void inside you, but you also had companions that didn’t know how to deal with their urges. They drove you to the point where actions caused severe consequences.”

“Right.” Alistair was still shaken by what happened in Emma’s apartment and how he had reacted to Sophia. His muscles were knotted, he was in pain, and feeling nauseated.

“We’ve already seen that when you’re with Sophia, engaged or not in s****l activity, kinky or not, you feel whole as a man. Or as whole as possible for a father who has lost a child and a man who cannot have a new one.”

“Sophia makes me feel…powerful, even when I am beneath her. And makes me want to be careful and tender, when I’m leading the scene. I don’t even remember my faults, that I am damaged. I feel natural, free, and whole.”

Dr. Volk smiled. “This is impressive, Alistair.”

“So why, Andrew, why!? For Christ’s sake, why did I do what I did today? I even considered—” he choked with the idea.

“What happened that caused such emotional and physical reaction? That is still causing such an impact, you can’t even speak the words? Was it the possibility of flogging her as she wished? Or punishing her?”

“Something like that,” the words scratched their way through Alistair’s throat.

Dr. Volk put his elbows on his knees. “Alistair, you need to be specific. Did you want to punish her or did you want to have s*x with her?”

“Neither,” he croaked, shoving both hands in his hair and leaning against the back of the sofa. “I wanted to s***k her, aye. But not in a scene. I wanted to punish her, aye, but to make her suffer. I was on the verge of using one of the sharper floggers on her.”

“The punishment was part of the b**m arrangement you had. You want more of what you had?”

“Not in that way; it didn’t have the purpose of instructing the submissive because she hadn’t pleasured her dominant. I—I wanted to get rid of her. It was more violent, more uncontrolled.” I was about to cross a boundary.

“That left you…”

“Repulsed. I still am. And I took my anger out on Sophia.”

The doctor sat back and took some notes, saying, “That’s normal.”

“NORMAL?!” Alistair pulled his hands out of his hair, leaving it a complete mess. “How can you call it normal, Andrew?”

“I didn’t applaud or say it was good behavior. Your previous partners didn’t know how to deal with your needs or theirs. Neither did you. Knowingly or unknowingly, they used psychological games to play with your emotions and seduce you. They wanted a wealthy man, with a high s*x-drive, to be their dominant. Emma was the hunter, Heather was the bait. You were the prey.”

I was the prey?! Alistair startled. How could I be so stupid? Am I that gullible? “And am I playing these games with Sophia too?”

“I cannot speak for Sophia, but she seems quite firm on what she likes and dislikes. Whenever you’ve discussed it, it’s always focused on pleasure, a fantasy, a light experience for both of you.”

“But why did I go back? Why did I feel so dirty near Sophia?”

“First, you went back because of Sophia, whom you love, who is gentle and deserves your attention. What happened with Emma, your uncontrolled behavior, her shameless seduction, reminded you of all the twisted views of s*x that you were introduced to and used as a punishment to yourself. It made you feel unworthy. Have you heard of Nine and a Half Weeks?

“Sure. Who hasn’t?” Sophia. “It was a hell of a sexy film.”

“Actually I want you to read the book. Let me explain something to you. Some people have underlying interests or feelings that might never have been discovered. For example: you might like Chinese food, but if you’ve never tasted it, you would never know you liked Chinese food. Because of the depth and the breadth of the erotic material available these days, especially on the internet, people are exposed to areas of sexuality they previously did not know would be arousing to them. Some of these arousal patterns can be fetishistic or related to fetishes, and sadomasochism is considered a fetish and a pathology. While you stated that what Emma asked you to do made you feel disgusted with her, it was not her that disgusted you truthfully. Can you contact the feeling again?”

Alistair relaxed on the sofa and closed his eyes. The nausea came back full force. He snapped his eyes open. “Sure. And I’m quite certain I was disgusted with her. Nauseated.”

“With her?”

Of course. “Aye. With her. With the whole f****d up situation she proposed.”

“I guess it was more of a jumbled situation. You went to her apartment. She was in the middle of a scene, probably already aroused. You ordered her sub. Everything contributed to escalate the situation. And no, your real disgust was not directed at her.”

Alistair’s eyebrows rose. “How come?”

“It was a moral judgment about your own arousal pattern. It’s not really known what sets these patterns, but, in general, people evolve fetishes out of some experience early in life, often unknown to them. The reality is that by the time you are an adult, those things are set. If you hadn’t been exposed to those types of experiences, as you have, you may have never realized it was part of your arousal pattern. You have to start hearing yourself. You stated that you’re now disgusted by what excited you. You couldn’t not be excited by what got you aroused and your only option is to stop thinking about it and reinforcing the reward.”

“Hold on a minute,” Alistair said. “Are you saying that it still excites me? So why didn’t I feel aroused by Emma’s behavior?”

“Because your arousal pattern was not inherently wrong, but now you were talking about nonconsensual activities. You were not willing to give her the pain she was willing to receive. From my clinical standpoint, if it had been consensual there would be nothing wrong with it. However, you’ve decided these patterns go against your values and beliefs and it has become important to you not to pursue them with Sophia. We’ve talked about that before. You get aroused by non-sadomasochistic acts, and you’re okay with dealing with the loss of the violent S&M aspect of your s****l life. Remember?”

“Aye,” he breathed. “I could have chosen not to pursue Sophia once she stated she won’t abide it.”

“Right. As you know, there are many people who embrace sadomasochism because they think it’s exciting, but you had your choice. You’ve pushed it out of your life.”

“But, hold on a minute again. I’m getting confused. I enjoy role-playing, fantasies, and using toys with Sophia.” I get aroused just thinking about it.

A small smile played on Dr. Volk’s lips. “Alistair, just because someone enjoys role-playing, light b*****e, or s*x toys does not necessarily mean that they have psychological issues or require therapy.”

Alistair laughed self-deprecatingly. “I hope not.”

“So, what you have with Sophia is different from what you had with Emma or Heather. It’s not abuse. In my opinion, without being schooled in this s****l art, Sophia knows better how to deal with her and your desires because she doesn’t abide the abuse that is sometimes involved in these relationships.”

Alistair breathed in, the emotion cutting so deep that he actually felt an ache in his chest. “Do you think Sophia would understand if I talked with her? About what happened today? I don’t want to be caught in a lie or omission.”

“She seems a wise woman.” Dr. Volk smiled. “Talk to her, Alistair. Not about the facts. You don’t need to tell her the details, but about what you feel. You’ll need her continuing support and you’ll have to face your ability to confront emotional pain. Think about speaking with Sophia as a part of this treatment too. The process of healing is facilitated when there is trust and you can bring light to previously hidden emotions. Share your secrets and feelings. Bring her here with you someday.”

“I will,” he agreed.

Dr. Volk looked at his watch, then rose and accompanied Alistair to the door, reinforcing, “We’ll continue this discussion on Thursday. Please, don’t get in touch with Emma. If anything happens, call me.”

Alistair nodded and sighed. “I hope nothing else happens. See you on Thursday.”

Dr. Volk closed the door and sat at his desk taking notes. Alistair was slowly improving but the doctor was worried. What had happened that morning was not a usual relapse; with that woman back in his life, things could get out of control.

The City of London Headquarters

In the Main Meeting Room

8:46 p.m.

“Nae, you are no’ getting my point.” Alistair’s Scottish accent made it clear to all vice-presidents in the room that he was not pleased by the news about the buying of the Brazilian bank chain. “My belief is that to achieve success in any scheme one has to make oneself master of that scheme, know it inside and out, every detail. I worked hard, very hard to achieve my position here. I always make my decisions based on logic and facts. I always read contracts and check all pertinent legislations, national and international. Especially when dealing with governments. I require that I be informed of everything that is happening. Everything.”

“Mr. MacCraig, if we are to receive the bank as we bought it, we’ll have to abide by their rules. That’s how things are done in Brazil,” the head of the legal department informed.

“Rules? You mean bribes.” Alistair rose and put his palms on the table, leaning forward, looking each and every one in the eye. “No one informed me that they could block the deed after it was signed. No one informed me that it had to be approved again by a group of corrupt politicians—”

“Alistair Connor, please listen for a minute,” Arthur Berkley, now a minor partner of bank, interrupted him calmly.

In deference to the twenty years that separated them, and because he was one of the founders, Alistair sat and leaned back, thinning his lips and getting his temper under control.

“We didn’t know. We paid what was previously agreed with the intervener. The approval wasn’t needed. It appeared in an old internal legislation out of nowhere. These corrupt countries have their twisted ways.”

As if I didn’t know. Alistair drummed his fingers on the table, pondering for a moment. “Aye. That’s why the intervener was all smiles when I shook Senhor Magalhães’s hand and said it was a pleasure doing business with him. It will be my head on the block if this leaks to the press. Why did nobody take a second to stop by my ever open door and whisper, ‘Hey, Mr. MacCraig, in spite of paying the usual bribes, we are being blackmailed to pay a few million pounds more to a few top Brazilian politicians, or they’ll block the deal.’ Why?”

“We didn’t think it necessary to worry you. We were trying to work it out and you seemed to be having enough problems with Soph—”

“Do not involve my wife in this, Malcolm.” Alistair cut off the other bank partner. “And, for your information, my personal life is no’, and it will never be, up for discussion. You should have known all legislation, new or old, internal or no’, and I should have been informed. I wasn’t.”

The silence weighed until the atmosphere in the room was unbreathable.

The head of the legal department said, “Mr. MacCraig, I apologize profusely.”

Alistair Connor, you’re being too ethical. “Apology accepted.” He looked at his watch, tired. I wish I could go home. “We are known for our aggressiveness in the market; it is risky, but good. We know that sometimes a little bump in the road is inevitable, but to lose this deal would be unacceptable. To pay such a huge amount in bribes is dangerous as it can be easily traced as everyone in this room is more than aware. Can you imagine the headlines if this is discovered? ‘CLB pays hefty bribes to Brazilian politicians. CEO says he knew nothing about it.’ Is this what I’ve been working for all my life?”