a thousand memories

the witch - 2

“You love him.”

“I do. I really, really do.”

Gemma stared at her friend, searching her friend’s face for clues, and found them. Just not what she was expecting, or, maybe hoping to find.

“Damn,” Gemma swore. “You’re really in love with him.”

“I told you,” Sisi said. “I am. But, now that you brought it up, asked about it, and I answered, now that we’re actually here, like this, I think it’s starting to sink in. Like really. Like how much in love with him I really am. Damn. It sucks. But, it’s also amazing.”

“Yeah,” Gemma said, trying her hardest to sound unimpressed, and succeeding to a good extent, because she really was unimpressed. Just surprised. Shocked, maybe. “It’s really great. Now, are you going to be thanking me?”

Sisi laughed.

“Thinking about it, I really should be thanking you, no?”

This time, Gemma burst out laughing. This she would accept the blame for.

Two years ago, it was her idea. Sisi was a new joinee. Fresh out of college. Her first job. She was assigned to the same team Gemma was a part of. Naturally, they became friends. And then, came the surprising revelation.

Sisi had never had a boyfriend. She’d never been in a relationship. She’d never even had a crush. Which made no sense, as far as Gemma and the others were concerned. Sisi was pretty. Maybe not traffic stopping pretty, but definitely attractive pretty. Boys would definitely take notice of her.

“Were you a late bloomer?” Gemma asked.

Sisi wasn’t sure what that meant. The answer she came up with was showing her photographs. And, the pictures silenced them, for a whole minute. And then, an eruption.

“What’s wrong with the boys in your school?”

“And college?”

“Were they all blind?”

“Or, gay.”

“Or, I don’t know. Out of their minds.”

“Why?” Sisi had asked.

“They let this pretty girl remain single,” Gemma answered. “So completely blind to her own beauty. So innocent and naive.”

And then, Gemma made the plan. There was some among them, herself included, who’d had boyfriends but had broken up and were now single, and looking for a relationship. She came up with the idea of a mixer. Not just them at work. Call their friends, from other companies, other industries, childhood friends, friends from college, neighbourhood friends, friends of friends.

What was initially imagined as a small gathering, of maybe ten or so, grew into a party of over fifty.

There, Sisi met Damien. She was a software engineer, a half year into her job. He was a journalist, two years into his job. Both single. Both never been in a relationship. Both good looking. Both, a mystery to their friends, as to why they were single, why they had never been in a relationship.

“Yeah,” Gemma said, when she saw them talking. “You two are perfect. Both oddballs. No. Both mysteries of nature. Just right for each other.”

The next weekend, they had their first date. A month later, they were together. A couple. Their first relationship.

Now, two years later, Sisi just admitted to being in love with him.

Gemma understood what that meant. Sisi wasn’t like the rest of them. Love wasn’t something that came to her as easily as it did to them. Took her two years to fall in love with Damien, who she had been with for all of those two years. This was serious. And that was what had Gemma worried.

What if something went wrong?

Still, Gemma couldn’t bring herself to say it. But, she didn’t know she didn’t have to say it. Sisi saw it in her eyes.

And, Sisi stayed silent. She wanted to tell Gemma not to worry. That everything would be just fine. That she would be just fine. The words made it to the tip of her tongue. And that’s where they stayed. There was this sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. A feeling she didn’t want to acknowledge. A feeling she didn’t want to understand. A feeling she wanted to ignore.

“See you on Monday,” Sisi said, ending the video call.

She was meeting Damien for coffee. She had to go.

She saw him from the street. She stopped. Just looking at him, admiring him, taking him in. He sat at a table, elbows on his knees, head lowered, looking down, as if at his feet or at something on the floor by his feet.

He must have something on his mind, she thought. That’s how he was when he was lost so deep in his thoughts that the world faded away. He didn’t know what he looked like. No one had taken any photographs of him when he was like this. Until she did. She thought he was cute, even more so when he was like this. Like a little baby only just learning to sit up, but hunched, like he was rolling into himself, like he was falling into the foetal position sitting up.

The first time she saw him like this, they were both working late. She was staying over at his place. The plan was to spend the weekend bingeing on a new thriller series. But, work showed up. He got a call, someone giving him a story. And, she got a call from her team lead. She didn’t have her laptop. Her team lead said that was fine. He just had some questions. She could answer over the phone. She was done in five minutes. The team lead apologised for the call, and offered an explanation. With her phone call done, she looked at him. Sitting hunched over his laptop, lost in thought. She took a photograph of him with her phone. And, later, showed him the picture.

“I so want to look inside,” she said, tapping at his head on her phone. “What’s going on in there?”

She stepped up to the glass wall of the cafe. Her finger tapping the glass over his head, as she whispered to herself, “What’s going on in there?”

She shook her head. Stepped away from the glass wall. Headed toward the door.

The little bell over the door rung as she opened the door. The part timer looked at her from behind the counter. Smiled and waved at her, in greeting. She returned the greeting in like, a smile and a wave. And, she laughed. A small, soft laugh.

She didn’t know the name of the part timer. But she knew the girl loved coffee, which was why the girl applied for the part timer position the moment the owner put up the poster. Two years later, the girl was still part timing at the cafe. The girl wanted to continue working at the cafe even after graduating. Sisi knew this because the girl told her.

Sisi blamed Damien for this. She was absolutely convinced that he was rubbing off on her, catching his love for stories like a cold.

She shook her head and continued toward Damien. Still lost in his thoughts, he didn’t see her. Not when she reached him. Not when she sat down across the table from him. Not even when she waved hello. Finally, when she gently tapped him on his shoulder, he trembled and came out of his thoughts.

She was beaming at him.

“Hi,” she greeted, with a wave. “Welcome back.”

He shook his head. Waved at her. Smiled. No, tried to smile. Succeeded half way.

“Hi,” he returned the greeting. His voice unusually hoarse. And, his eyes very different from usual.

She saw it. That sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach came back, stronger. Grabbing her and pulling her down.

“What’s wrong?” She asked, worriedly.

“Wrong?” He repeated. Looking at her.

She nodded.

“You’ve got the look,” she said. “Like something’s very wrong.”

He was silent, still, for a while, before nodding.

“Yeah. You must see it, of course. Yeah. Something’s wrong. I’m sorry. I really am. But, I just don’t see another way. We need to stop here. Now. We need to just stop.”

She was stunned.

“Stop?” She asked, struggling to understand. “What do you mean stop?”

“Us,” he said. “You and I. The relationship. We need to stop. We need to end it.”

“Are you breaking up with me?”

Her voice was low. But, the pain, the shock, was clear. Plain as day.

He nodded.

“Why?” She asked.

“I’m sorry,” he said, shaking his head. “I just can’t. I’ve tried. I promise you, I did. But, I just can’t. I’m sorry.”

He got up. And left.

He’d ordered coffee and butter cookies. Just how she loved her coffee.

“Coffee’s not coffee without cookies to go with it,” she always said.

She made sure he got it into his head. Even today, he hadn’t forgotten. The coffee was hot. The cookies warm. But, she couldn’t drink the coffee or eat the cookies. She sat staring at the coffee, until it turned cold.

The part timer came over. Sounding worried.

“Can I get you another coffee?”

“No,” Sisi answered, managing a smile. Surprising herself that she could. “Sorry. I need to go. I’m sorry about this.”

“Don’t worry about it,” the part timer said, waving her hands. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Sisi smiled at her.

“I just need to go. Need to clear my head. Sorry about this. Really.”

“Don’t worry about it, really. Just go. Be sure to come again, tomorrow, the day after, when you’re better, when you’re okay. Don’t keep me waiting too long. I don’t want to be too worried.”

The women shared a smile. So much was unsaid, but understood anyway. Not everything needed to be said in words to be understood.

Sisi got up. The girl gave her a hug.

“I’m Sisi.”

“I’m Freya. Really, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Sisi nodded.

“You will. I promise. If not tomorrow, the day after. Or, the day after. But, definitely.”

Sisi left the cafe. Without looking back. Heading straight home.

She was in shock. And in pain. Her heart felt stuffy. But, the grief didn’t come. The tears didn’t come. She didn’t understand why. Back home, she looked at herself in the mirror. Searching for any traces of tears. But, no. Her eyes weren’t even red. And they weren’t wet.

Was this real?

She had no appetite. She went straight to bed. Thankfully, sleep came immediately.

Next she woke up, it was the middle of the night. The darkness of the night hung heavy. Staring down at her. And, as she lied in bed looking up at the night, the words sunk in.

“We need to stop. I can’t. I tried. I promise you, I did. But, I just can’t.”

They had broken up. He had dumped her. Not long after she told Gemma, not long after she realised she was in love, it was over.

The grief finally arrived. And it hit strong. Like a grade 10 storm.

Her chest felt like it was crushed under a boulder the size of a mountain. The tears flowed, like a raging river under a torrential rain that didn’t stop and fell for weeks. And, the cries burst out, like a volcanic explosion. She pulled a pillow over her face and screamed into it. Screamed. Her cries were no less than screams filled with the most unbearable grief and pain.

And what made it worse was that she didn’t know why. He wouldn’t even tell her why.