I Wish I Could

•|Chapter Ten|•

September 11, 2017

The bell for lunch just couldn’t ring any faster. Each and every minute felt like forever. My leg was bouncing up and down with anticipation. I don’t know how much longer I could bare to sit in this sleazy class, especially with my stomach howling. I didn’t eat dinner last night because I couldn’t get the motivation to get out of bed and to stop sleeping. I didn’t know why I was so tired, I just was. I skipped breakfast this morning because I had woken up late and had to rush out the door. Today was presentation day and I was worried that I would embarrass myself or Brooke would say something.

When the loud siren-like bell rang I bolted out of my seat, quickly gathered my stuff and headed for my locker. I threw everything in not caring that my locker was un-organized, all I could think about was getting to the cafeteria unharmed. The attention was off of the group of people today, and I could only hope they would leave me alone.

But that probably won’t happen. I mean do you really believe they would stop their fun because YOU don’t feel like it?

Rushing into the already long line I let out a breath. So far it was safe. I grabbed a cardboard cheese pizza slice and an apple juice and walked to my seat. I didn’t really know if I could sit their since Carry wasn’t at school today and I’ve never really talked to the others who sit here. I have mainly only talked to Carry and I rarely ever joined in on their conversations.

Sighing I picked at the pizza with a knife as more people filtered into the Cafeteria.

“Autumn,” Marci startled me with her nasally voice in my ear, causing me to press hard onto the styrofoam plate.

“I don’t think you need to eat that, you’re fat enough already. Don’t want to end up like that ugly pig n****r friend of yours do you?”

My blood boiled. Not only did she call Carry fat and ugly, but the N slur too? My hands were shaking as I tried to keep my cool.

“Awe, does wittle Auto feel mad? Does wittle Auto have feelings?” She said in a baby voice, talking down upon me like I’m not an equal to her.

You aren’t an equal to her, you will never be. She is loved and Wanted, you’re not. She is pretty, your ugly. Stop trying to be someone you aren’t.

“Cat got your tounge? Or should I say car, like how a car claimed your brother?”

I stood up and whipped around to her. How could she bring him into this? She has no right to talk—

She does have the right to talk, about whatever she wants, maybe she took it a little too far but—

This isn’t just ‘a little’ to far! She called Carry fat, ugly, and a N word. Then she brings Spencer into this? She has taken it too far this time.

“Awe, is Auto actually going to say something or—”

“What are you doing Marci?” Scott cut her off.

“Oh, nothing.” She shrugged her shoulders and made her dark brown eyes wide, trying to look innocent. “I was just telling Autumn here that she really shouldn’t eat anything because she doesn’t want to be fat like that n****r pig you’re playing with.”

That was the last f*****g straw for me. Out of the corner of my eye I found Scott’s face was red like a tomato. I took a step closer to Marci, getting up into her face like she had done to me so many times and slapped her. Hard. I think I stunned her, hell I was stunned I actually hit someone. As bad as it sounds, it felt good to hit something.

“Don’t ever, and I mean EVER talk about Carry like that again you dumb egotistic anorexic b***h!” I harshly said to her face.

She mustn’t have liked that because her face got firetruck red and she shoved me back into the table before she grabbed my face with one hand and digged her fake nails into my chin.

She c****d her head, her eyes turning black. “Don’t you ever talk to me like that again Autumn. I will ruin you in one—”

All of a sudden she stopped talking, as she was pulled back by an angry Scott. I have never seen him this mad about anything.

“Listen here Marci,” he sneered, getting up in her face. “If I hear you talk about Carry like that ever again I won’t hesitate to send it to not only the cheer coach but to everyone. I will post it everywhere and I will send it to everyone. So unless you don’t want that getting out I suggest you keep you f*****g trap shut.”

Despite looking scared she smiled. “You are just saying all of this because you don’t want her," she nodded her head in my direction before she continued, “to find out that you’ve been playing Carry this whole time and that it was nothing but a—”

“What is going on in here?” The vice principal yelled, Mrs.Dangladid.

Marci gave Scott a hard look before turning back around and smiled at Mrs. Dangladid, hiding away her true colors.

“Nothing Ma’am, just a slight misunderstanding. It’s all solved now though.”

A slight misunderstanding? No this was no misunderstanding. She had called Carry the n word, she called us both fat and pigs.

There is nothing you can do. If you say one word of protest no one will believe a low life dumb fat ugly w***e like you. Oh, no. They will only believe Rosewood’s princess who’s daddy donates a lot to this nasty place.

“Well, okay. Don’t let it happen again,” Mrs. Dangladid said before giving us a pointed look before walking out of the cafeteria.

Marci turned around and gave Scott a pointed look, “If you don’t want her to find out then I suggest you keep your mouth shut and remember who your real friends are.”

As she walked away I remembered what she said earlier, and what was said that day at the mall.

“Scott,” I turned towards him. He raised his eyebrows in question. “Thank you, but what was she talking about?”

“No problem, just forget everything okay?” He awkwardly shifted from foot to foot glancing back at his friends.

I wanted to know what Marci had meant, but I dis-sided to not get into it with him. I sighed while nodding my head.

Turning around I went to the bathroom and stayed in their until lunch was over.

I was one of the first people in the classroom, and my nerves were all over the place.

What if I screw up? What if Brooke embarrasses me, or lies? What if she changed it? What if we failed? What if—

No. Stop worrying everything will be fine. I tried to calm my nerves from thinking of the what-if’s, knowing that if I continued I would work myself up.

But what if you mess up? What if she changed all your slides? Don’t you want to put on a good show for your fellow peers? I’m sure watching you have a breakdown will just make their day, I possibly even their whole semester in this class.

All of a sudden a perfect manicured hand was thrusted into my face, snapping. I leaned back as far as my seat would let me and looked at the hands owner. Brooke was already sitting next to me, her eyes questioning me.

“You kay? You looked like you might vomit. If you do please do it the other way, and wait till after we present so that way we can just be done with this whole thing.”

“Yeah,” I shook my head then nodded. “I’m fine.” I gave her a smile and turned to the front of the class when Ms. Ciaramella began the class. We were fifth in line. We weren’t the first, so we didn’t have to feel the pressure that is added with going first, and we weren’t going to be the last ones, the ones who have to meet the expectations of our classmates because someone overdid themselves.

The groups in front of us weren’t people who would go the extra mile. They weren’t groups who would make my anxiety rise because we didn’t do enough. In fact, they made me feel like we did more than enough work. I was fine until our turn was up. My hands started to sweat and shake on my lap as Ronie and Erin closed off their presentation.

“Thank you Ronie and Erin,” Ms. Ciaramella smiled, “please take your seats. Up next, we have Brooke and Autumn. Come on up lady’s.”

I slowly stood up. Just breathe, I told myself. Everything is going to be okay. Breathe.

Brooke signed in on the computer and pulled up our slideshow. She grabbed the clicker and gave me a tiny, barley there, smile.

“Whenever you are ready girls,” Ms. Ciaramella instructed with her hands interwoven.

Breathe.

" I am Brooke,” she smiled bright and looked over at me. “This is my partner Autumn,” she spoke up after a few seconds of trying to reduce the awkwardness. A few kids snickered at her introducing me.

Oh, God! We should’ve practised what we were going to say.

She clicked the next slide and it was the one of what we have in common, which seemed very empty to me after viewing everyone else’s.

“We have some things in common like-” She turned her body to quickly glance at the bored, but before she could say anything else I spoke up.

“We b-both have l-long hair, are female, are human, l-like animals, watching TV shows, and we both like hanging out with our friends.” We didn’t have the first three I said on the power-point or even talk about them, but I can’t fail this assignment. It’s one of the easiest ones that I just have to get a good grade on it or else.

“We have some differences like,” She clicked to the next slide, “I like to play and watch sports, Autumn doesn’t. I like to colour, Autumn likes to draw. And I don’t like reading, but Autumn does.”

“Um-” I turned around to the screen. “I like to ride my bike or walk while Brooke prefers a car. I like listening to music, while Brooke likes listening to podcasts. And I like to go to the park while Brooke likes going to an arcade.”

Heh, this isn’t so bad.

Yet. You don’t know, maybe she changed stuff later in the slides and added stuff about your family or lied about something.

Just, breath. Breath.

I took a deep breath in and turned to the slide she was on, we just had two more slides to go and then it would be over.

“Autumn lives with her parents and younger brother, whereas I live with my dad. Autumn has pet fish, and I have no pets.”

“My favorite animal is either an otter or a sloth, and Brook’s is a sugar glider. Brook’s favorite colors are turquoise and pink. My favorite colors are blood red and canary yellow.”

Upon me saying my favorite colors somebody snickered, “Probably because she drove him to cut and commit.” A few people in the room laughed, while others looked like they could not be bothered.

You drove him to insanity. You were the reason why things went wrong in his life. You were the reason he started cutting. You were selfish and couldn’t even see that he was suffering. You are the reason that he is dead. It’s all your fault. You are a worthless w***e who makes everyone around you miserable.

Mrs. Ciaramella must’ve not heard their comment because she looked expectantly at us to continue. Brooke was talking, but I didn’t hear anything she was saying. I couldn’t focus. All that was going through my head is how his death is my fault. I killed my best friend. It’s all my fault. I’m responsible.

Shortly after we became friends his father died. Then he got broken bones, it seemed on a regular as we played together. I unloaded all my problems onto him, and I did not really ever listen to him. I was selfish, always thinking about me. I was so caught up in my own life that I didn’t notice that he had given up at school, yet he still got passing grades for his mom. He did not do anything he enjoyed anymore. He only ever did stuff to please others. I wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t notice the bullying had gotten worse, or that he was cutting again. I didn’t notice he was having problems with Seria and that she was struggling until he mentioned something about it.

I am the reason he is dead. If I would have just been a better friend, a better person, then he would be here now. I was supposed to be his best friend. I should’ve been his shoulder to lean on and cry, but instead I used him and didn’t return the favour. I-

“Thank you girls! Please take your seats,” Mrs. Ciaramella said with a smile on her face.

I slowly made my way back to our table. While everyone else was presenting I could not focus. Just as class was about to end, and the last group was finishing up, Brooke leaned over and whispered in my ear, “hey, you okay?”

I did not know why she was asking me if I was okay. I gave her a tiny smile, “yeah, I’m fine. Why do you ask?”

She stared me dead in the eyes like she knew I was lying to her. Her eyes flickered to Marci before she shook her head and faced forward again.

Later that night, when I got home, I noticed that the moving truck was still in the driveway of the house down the street. The girl had gotten off the bus today again, but I did not try to talk to her. I don’t want to cause anyone else more harm.

Sighing, I unlocked the door.

No one was supposed to be home, yet when I walked into the house I could hear the sink water running. Walking further into the house I peered into the kitchen and saw my dad. Just great.

Being as quiet as possible I made my way into my room. I went over to my dresser and set my backpack on the floor. I breathed in deeply. He wouldn’t do anything. I was going to be okay.

I breathed in deeply and shook my head. I was going to be fine.

You can’t be sure.

You guys are alone. No one is here to stop him. Even if your mom was here she would let him. Kevin might be able to help, but he won’t be home till later.

You are screwed.

I pulled out my homework and sat down on the floor in front of my bed. At least this way if I don’t hear him coming I will feel the vibrations, hopefully.

I desperately wanted to listen to music to lessen my anxiety as I did my work, but then I would not be focused on my surroundings. And if I was not focused on my surroundings he could attack me again.

~*~

Later that night at dinner Dad was not home, said he had a business thing to do and Kevin was out with friends. It was just me and mom and it was awkward.

Her gaze fitted on me, her eyes filled with pity. She sighed.

“Listen Autumn, I know you don’t understand why I defended your father, but there are things that you just don’t understand. When you fall in love you will know ho-”

“No!” I shook my head.

I may not have been in love, but what mother in her right mind lets anyone hurt her children and defends him? I get that she loves him, but he has been hurting not only me but her for years.

“I know these last few weeks have been hard for you but please try to understand.”

She pleaded with me with her eyes.

“I can’t,” I grunted, my appetite all gone.

“Your father and I,” she sighed. “We have a complicated past, and he’s a complicated man. He loves you.”

I cut her off before she could say any more.

“No.” I stood up out of my chair, my eyes filled with tears. “You can say he does, and he can say he does, but the fact is he doesn’t. I don’t know how long it’s been since he actually cared for me, since our family wasn’t putting on a front.”

“Autumn, calm down. Please.”

I could not handle it anymore. Shaking my head I picked up my plate and threw out the food, putting the silverware in the sink.

“Autumn!” she screeched.

“No! You can say he cares and that he loves me but the point of the fact is he doesn’t. He doesn’t love you either. You are just caught up in your comfort zone that you don’t want change even if it would be better for all of us. I can not remember the last time he looked at me with love or treated me like his daughter. It’s been going on for so long now that it’s the new normal. He looks at me like I ruined his life.”

Tears started coming out of my eyes.

“Let’s face it,” I gently shook my head looking into her eyes. “I did ruin your lives. I ruined it when I was born, when Spencer died. I ruined Brandons' to the point he committed suicide. I ruined Serria’s and his mom’s. I ruin everyone’s lives! So how about your stop lying to me and trying to make things better because they never will be and they haven’t in over two years.”

Leaving her with that I walked to my bedroom, locking the door behind me.

I turned her away every time she knocked and when Kevin knocked asking me what was wrong. I could not handle them right now, especially with their fake pity. It was later that night when they were asleep and my tears had run dry that I grabbed the blades.

As I made the cuts I felt numb.

I could not feel the blade on my skin, or the blood on my skin. Even as it dried and I went to bed.