F*ck It, It's The Apocalypse

Chapter Two: Unexpected Passenger

WELL I THOUGHT the coast was clear. I tighten my grip on the baseball bat as I hear sickly moans coming from just below the steps. My heart begins to race and my breathing is becoming erratic as I try to hype myself up into just running down there. It may be a very dumbass thing to do, but I’m a dumbass so it’s only natural to go about this the wrong way. Ko would be better off sending a smoke signal to Betty White for help rather than asking me. I’m not the badass athletic guy, but I’m not the weak nerdy guy either. I’m the sarcastic asshole that hides his emotions with bad humor and occasionally jogs. Like I make jokes about wanting to die all the time but I don’t f*****g mean it. I’m not meant to be the hero. But I can fake it, right? I can pretend to be someone I’m not. Someone she wants me to be. Someone she needs me to be. 

    “You’re lucky that I still love you, you f*****g b***h…” I mutter as I bravely mount the staircase. 

    My plan is to basically just run really fast and hope no one notices me. But I quickly found a flaw with this plan… I just fell down the stairs like an absolute i***t. My ass was bouncing on each and every one of those steps like I was on a trampoline, and I ended up at the bottom of the staircase. Thank god I only live on the second floor. 

    Do you see why I’m not the hero? Even a person with average intelligence would have thought the steps would be slippery because of the blood trail Pizza Girl left behind. Not me. Because I just f*****g do things. At least my duffel bag is strapped to me and I held on to the baseball bat for dear life. The stair railing would have been more helpful to me, but I’m just not going to talk about it.

    The moaning is right in front of me now and, surprise surprise, it’s Pizza Girl. The fall down the stairs did not treat her kindly as I can see that she has broken her neck, spine, legs, and one arm. But that doesn’t stop her from trying to get to me. She is literally dragging herself towards me with her good arm. Her eyes are still as completely lifeless as before. Her snapping her teeth at me is even more terrifying now that her jaw is noticeably unhinged. Behind her is a trail of smeared blood, similar to what she left on the stairs. Her body has to be almost out of blood by now. When she gets inches from my shoes I jump upright. 

    “I guess I should just put you out of your misery at this point,” I say quietly. 

    I cannot put into words how much I do not want to do this. She’s not human anymore, that seems pretty obvious. But the fact that she was a person sickens me. She probably has a family, a future, goals, and dreams and I’m about to take all these things away from her. My grip on the bat becomes even tighter, to the point where my knuckles are practically bone white. But if I don’t do this, she’ll just take away someone else’s future. This is the right thing to do, but holy s**t does it feel wrong. I squeeze my eyes shut and take a deep breath. Her snarls are right below me now. She’s about to reach me. I swing as hard as I can downwards intending to end her life… and of course I miss completely because I’m swinging with my eyes closed. 

    The bat vibrates violently in my hand and lets out a loud dong. I’m taken aback for a second as the sound rings in my ears.  I look down at Pizza Girl and oddly enough the sound affects her too. She’s screaming and convulsing as she tries to cover her ears with her good arm. I take this as my second opportunity and swing for her head again. If I learned anything from watching those guys eat a squirrel, it was that head shots are the way to go. The first hit indents her skull and makes her cry out. She starts to thrash out at me again. The second hit sends the bat through her brain and her blood splatters all over me. After this moment, a true hero would move on to the next battle and save the girl…. Well I start violently throwing up all over her. Not only did I just murder this poor girl, but I have now certainly decimated her body. If I wasn't sure before then I’m sure now… I’m going to hell. 

    After I’m done gagging and puking all over Pizza Girl’s body, I wipe my mouth on my sleeve and stumble out the door. I probably should have taken a moment to think of a plan to get to my car that’s parked down the block, but I just really wanted to get away from that horrific smell. I lean against the brick wall and peek around the corner to the street where I witnessed the squirrel feast. The group of guys is no longer there, besides the deadass body they left behind. My car is parked on this street, but just a block to the south. Since the coast is clear I could just run straight to my car and not look back. The group of monsters that were following that car earlier seemed to move pretty slow, so hopefully all of these things are slow. 

    I clutch my baseball bat tight and run for it. I ignore the distant screams that I can hear from the other buildings and focus on finding my car. Everything is a blur to me as my eyes zoom on my 2015 Chrysler Town & Country minivan (yes, it was my mom’s f*****g car, okay?!) and I feel relief flood through me when I hear the door unlock from the car starter in my hand. 

    At least something is going well for me today…

    “HEY! Wait! Help me!” a voice called out to me.

    Aw f**k.

    I ignore the voice and jump into the driver’s seat and lock the doors. I turn the engine on and I’m about to put the car in drive… when a half-naked girl jumps on the hood of my car.

    “OH WHAT THE f**k…!?” I scream.

    She clutches tightly to my windshield wipers and she gives me a disgusted look. “Just drive! Just f*****g drive!” she barks at me. 

    “Um… Get off my car!” I say incredulously. 

    She bangs one of her hands on my windshield. “f*****g drive, you moron! He’s coming!” she screams. She motions to a man coming towards us. 

    I recognize the familiar hunched back and hobble and I need no more explanation. I move the car forward and start driving away from the monster, but I’m not driving fast enough for windshield girl’s liking as she starts banging on my windshield and starts screaming, “I said f*****g drive!”

    And so I f*****g drive. 

    The minivan shakes and lurches forward with the sudden speed surge, but it pushes on. The girl suddenly slides to one side of the hood as I make a sharp turn towards the psychology building. You would think that she would be scared about almost falling off the hood of a speeding car, but I swear I saw a smile on her face. How the hell could she be smiling right now? It’s literal chaos outside as people are fleeing buildings with monsters chasing after them. A few try to chase me down but I choose not to stop for them because the monsters are just too close behind them. And now I’m not just only looking out for myself, but also for this naked psychopath on the hood of my car. God, I hate being such a considerate person. 

    I zoom past campus buildings and sigh with relief as I see there are less people around… or maybe that’s a bad thing. I shake off the thoughts that say everyone else has already been eaten… including Ko. But I guess there’s no more heroic way to die than trying to save your cheating ex-girlfriend. So if I die God should at least hesitate before sending me to hell because I’m somewhat a good person. But then again I did puke all over a girl I murdered so hell is where He’s sending me. 

    Windshield girl shoots me a weird glance as I begin to slow the car as we approach the psychology building. I pull over into the mostly empty parking lot and turn the engine off. The girl slides off the hood and I quickly unlock the car for her to get in. She slides into the passenger seat and quietly pulls the door shut, and I lock the doors once again. She reclines her seat all the way back and I do the same because I think she wants us out of sight. Which is probably the best idea. 

    After we both lay back, she gives me her confused look again and asks, “Why the hell did you stop here?”

    “I… um…” my voice trails off as I stare at this strange girl. 

    She is easily one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen. And I’m not just saying that because she is literally laying down in my car with only a pink bra and black boy shorts on. I’m saying it because somehow she still looks beautiful despite her hair being a tangled mess and a large blood splatter across her chest. Her eyes are the palest green, especially compared to her dark complexion. She is unique in every way possible.

    She gives an irritated sigh that brings me back from my thoughts. I shake my head slightly and ask, “Have you been bitten by one of them?”

    She shakes her head. “No, they weren’t able to touch me.”

    I nod my head and avert my eyes sheepishly. “You um… there’s some spare clothes in my duffle bag in the back. If you want to change…” I say awkwardly.

    She smirks and says, “Why? You don’t like the show?”

Oh my god.

    I can practically feel just how red my face is becoming because of her little comment. I have never been more anxious, embarrassed, and turned on in my life… I mean maybe more the first time Ko and I ever did it but that was a different situation. 

    “I… uh….” I mumble like an i***t.

    She laughs. She sits up and slaps my shoulder as she climbs into the back of the car. “I’m kidding, bud.” she says. 

    I sigh with relief that she relieved me of that awkward moment, but my blush remains as I feel tingles on my shoulder from where she touched me. I glance up at the ceiling of the car, not wanting to watch her change clothes. “So what’s your name?” I ask as she unzips my bag.

    “Katerina,” she says “not Kat, not Katie, not Nina… just Katerina.” 

    “So Kitty it is?” I playfully ask.

    I’m still not looking but I could feel her glare at me momentarily. “No. Just Katerina.” she says and then she flings her boy shorts onto my face.

    I stifle down a yelp and quietly toss the shorts to the side. “That was unnecessary.” I say quietly.

    She gives a small laugh. “Don’t pretend you didn’t love it. Now what’s your name?” 

    “Chance.”

    “Cute. Well, Chance, I really don’t think you were paying attention to what you were throwing into this bag.” she said as she crawled back into the front.

    I look over to her. “Why do you say that-- oh fuck.” I say and then I press my lips into a hard line.

    Yeah, I really wasn’t paying attention to the clothes I put into the bag because I was in a hurry. Unfortunately I put the worst thing I could have put in there. My outer space cat underwear. And of course Katerina chose to wear that.

    “So you like space and kitties, huh?” she asks with a smile.

Why the f**k did that question turn me on?

    “My friend got me those for Christmas.” I say quickly.

    Katerina giggles. “I’m sure… and did your friend give you the Olivia Rodrigo merch also?” she asks as she playfully tugs at the t-shirt with Olivia Rodrigo’s face on it that she also chose to wear. 

    I smile. “Now that was all me…” I say.

    Her smile widens momentarily and then she takes a deep breath. Her face turns serious. “So what are we doing here? This isn’t necessarily a private place.” 

    I frown. “I have to save someone.” I say seriously. 

    Katerina looks taken aback for a few seconds, but she regains her composure. “How do you know this person is even alive?” she asks. 

    I’m not gonna lie, her question irritates me a bit. It’s not her fault and I know she wasn’t trying to be rude, and it’s a very understandable question in these circumstances but it still irritates me. Ko has to be alive. I won’t believe anything else.

    “Yes, I’m sure.” I say curtly. “She called me a little bit ago and told me where she was.”

    Katerina smirks. “Oh… she, huh? You got a girlfriend to save?” she asks.

    “Ex-girlfriend…” I say, “And I really can’t waste anymore time.”

    I grab my baseball bat and the keys to the car. I’m about to open the door and leave but I pause. “Do you want to wait here?” I ask.

    “Well what if you don’t come back?” she asks. “I’ll be stranded here without any keys.”

    I smile at her. “I’m sorry, Kitty, but I’m not leaving you here with my keys.”

    Katerina glares at me. “Call me Kitty again and I’ll shank you with your f*****g keys.” she growls. 

    “Okay then, Attie…” I chuckle at her further glare. “It’s either you stay here in the locked car without the keys, or you come with me and probably die.”

    She fays being hurt and gives a big pout. “After everything… you don’t trust me?” she asks sadly. 

    I smirk as I tighten the grip on my baseball bat. “This is the apocalypse, sweetheart…” I say “You can’t trust anyone anymore. So are you staying here or are you scared to die?”

    She scoffs and leans closer to me. “Here’s one thing not to forget about me…” she says seriously, “I’m not afraid to die, and I'm sure as hell not afraid of any f*****g zombies.”

    I gulp slightly as I’m lowkey terrified of this girl. But I fake confidence and nod to her and unlock the car. We both pull the handles and exit the car to face our new horrific reality.