In the mist

2. Guilty conscience

I. ZAGREB IN THE MIST

Zagreb. 1968.

"According to the prophecy of Saint Brigit evil people will prevail in the year 1980. See how close we are today to these events mister Krznar, just another twelve years and we are there! Devil's agents act with fury! According to our information, coming from the Vatican secret services, young people will be forced to lose their virginity before marriage, such terrible pressure will be created, even through the media, that no one will be able to resist. Same as with abortion, evil will only rise, medical procedures will be turned into procedures that are life-threatening for young women, and eventually, for safety reasons, children will be killed in the abortions until their ninth month in the mother's womb, hospitals will slaughter small babies, they will wait for the child to be born first, so they will cruelly kill them at the moment when the babies are already out of the mother's womb in safety, they will crush their small heads with those forceps like teething! So if the child is already born but alive then this child is no longer an obstacle to the mother in any respect for life, is it? But no! That's where the story goes in reverse! These are truly devilish deeds! We live in the wicked times, you understand Mr. Krznar, people's exposure to negative influences is very high, many things come into your head that would not normally enter your head, it is best not to watch television that broadcasts bad influences on young people, turn off the radio which conveys savage beats in the heart that stir up a rebellious spirit. You blame yourself too much for some things, you increase the weight of your sin too much, it is enough to say to yourself, "God, have mercy, I am here, I am your child and I want to go to heaven with my father, Jesus, come to my aid!"

The Spaniard was sitting on a narrow chair, next to the dying man's bed, in a position opposite to a small narrow window, from which his gaze shot over a great void, outside the monastery, and he constantly kept his gaze fixed in the direction of the window, never turning it in the direction of the dying man, to whom he was speaking. The window was a meter and a half away from him, and the entire monastery bedroom was only three and a half meters long and barely two meters wide, so in such a narrow space, the problem was to get out of the room, when passing the bed, and the chair had to be removed to do it. The walls were grey-white, damaged by moisture, which created, somewhere dark yellow spots, somewhere light yellow spots, everywhere on the wall, like written charters, and gave a clear smell to the room, magnifying the feeling of the claustrophobic narrowness of the room, but it could not be clearly recognized, whether the walls had lost their color due to moisture, from gray to white, or from white to gray, because everything was dotted with yellow spots. "To me, it's like a beautiful painting of art!" The Spaniard commented, while at one point he stared at a part of the wall.

"It is an exaggeration of your guilt for what you are doing to yourself, for such things as disturbing you, it is enough to say that you have had lewd thoughts, and that is all. That is an exaggeration on your part. You are not a rapist, sir ... You are imagining... You should put yourself in order, pick up the rosary, find places on the day of prayer, put God first, if God is first, everything else is in the right place, you understand, Mr. Krznar?! That's how it should work for you in a normal order of things!"

The Spaniard calmly and routinely recited, telling the same story for the tenth time that week, five of them just for Mr. Krznar, a 96-year-old gentleman who was dying. Krznar was a regular member of the Catholic community who, through his constant attendance at Mass and the work of the church, was able to receive this posthumous protection through connections and five interventions in one week for the same person in fear and panic of his impending death. Then the sacrament of Holy Confession was performed, Holy Communion was performed, a speech of spiritual fraternal encouragement was performed, the same speech was performed once again at the personal request...

"Organized prayer of the rosary for the dying, organized this new prayer of this new rosary - this new form of devotion introduced from Poland this year - the Rosary of Divine Mercy coming to us from Krakow thanks to this promising and praised Archbishop of Krakow... Woytila ... I forgot his name. You know, mister Krznar, we did everything you needed to do in one week, you may not die at all this week, you don't look so bad, the doctors tell me that you have pre-dramatized your condition in the last couple of times. For years now, you are constantly dying, and finally, you have to die once, you are still ninety-six years old, that awaits us all once and for all, mister Krznar, that is the will of God... "

"Ra.... rap ... ra ..." The dying old man was gasping for air and was trying to catch his breath so that he could express his troubles again and what was bothering him in the depths of his soul. His efforts did not come to the approval of the priest Sanchez, a priest from Spain on temporary work in the city of Zagreb, which had lasted for ten years already. Sanchez was hungry and hurried to lunch: "Ohhhhh, not the rapings again, just not that!" He thought to himself as the old man rose more and more from the bed to a semi-sitting position...

"I want you to confess me, I need to let go of my soul!" Mister Krznar straightened up forward enough that he could now speak normally.

"But you have already confessed, Mr. Krznar, do you understand? You have confessed twice this week, also yesterday, you could not do anything new within ten hours, nailed to the bed here, at the age of ninety six, completely impaired in health, and I am a witness that you are a man of good will, and according to the teaching of the Catholic Church, all men of good will are saved, that is, such persons are not in the state of the mortal sin!”

"And where does it say that? Tell me this information, I must know!" retorted Krznar.

"It is written somewhere, Mr. Krznar, surely we would not say that without reason. You do not expect me to dig into the theological books and dogmas of our science, do you?"

"I take your word for it, but you my dear Alfonso, as a priest, know that I must confess once more what weighs upon my soul momentarily in order to let it go for good!" The Spaniard nodded reluctantly, looking down at the floor as he nervously ran his fingers over the rosary. He knew he could not turn him away, no matter how hard it was and no matter how futile his efforts, because the situation was that Mr. Krznar might be dying, you never know, and we will all be there one day and maybe he will be like this too. Then it will be difficult for all of us. "Okay, mister, I will hear your confession, if that is what you need for your soul to be at peace, I will hear your confession again every day if needed, but I will also tell you that your soul is not in danger, you are a collected man in a state of God's grace! " The Spaniard signaled with his hand that the confession could begin, gently lifting her into the air above the bed and pulling her towards him, signaling with his fingers for Mr. Krznar to open up to him in spirit...

"I repentantly confess all my sins, the last time I confessed was yesterday afternoon!"

The Spaniard ran his hand briefly over the front, middle bald part of his scalp. "All right, Mr. Krznar, we can skip the opening form, you can say what's on your mind..."

"I have imagined raping women all my life, that's what aroused me the most, in all possible combinations, whenever I m*********d I imagined raping women." Krznar took one deep breath and continued. "I m*********d every day all my life, and during the time when I went to church all the time, or even every day at some times, and during the time when it was not advisable to go to church here in Yugoslavia for political reasons, after the Second World War ended, when everything was still fresh!”

“I m*********d on all the women I met in my life, and every one I m*********d ended up in my fantasies where she was massively raped by groups of Chetniks, Yugoslav Partisans, Ustasha, Fascist Italians, Nazis, Cossacks, the Red Army, by every army that ever marched through this country, by everybody. Many of these poor women were raped by me in my imagination, but the vast majority were gang raped, as in war, just as these horrors took place in reality. I have always tried to imagine rape as realistically as possible, as it looks in reality, with the obligatory kidnapping of a woman, squealing and screaming and crying. The moaning and groaning of poor women, that’s what got me excited the most of all in my everyday war-rape fantasies.

"Okay, you have said enough! I understand what you are trying to tell me!" The Spaniard Sanchez made a sign that it was enough for old Krznar to confess his problem to him, although he had already confessed the same thing to him five or six times, he could not even count how many times old Mr. Krznar had confessed the same thing to him...

The old man began to coagulate his expression as if he were going to cry, but only for a moment, he was not even close to starting to cry, it was just his expression of uneasiness that Sanchez was suspending the further process of liberation of his soul. "Do you want to take everything away from me on my deathbed? Is it possible that you will deny me further confession, indispensable for the salvation of my soul?"

"On the contrary, I'm here to help you! "

"God has chosen me as a priest and sent me into your life to give you sure guidance, to make sure you are on the right path so that you do not fall into the trap of the devil who wants to disturb you and question the salvation of your soul! And I have to inform you that in your case it is an exaggeration of what you are doing! So you give too much importance to some of your fantasies that have no basis in reality. As far as I know, you did not rape anyone and did not kill anyone, right?"

"Yes, that's right, I'm not really, but..."

Sanchez interrupted Krznar's speech again with a wave of his hand. "You never planned to rape anyone in real life, did you? "

"No, I didn't, nor did I think of such a thing!"

"Well, you see, Mr. Krznar, if you haven't raped anyone in your life and if you haven't planned to rape anyone in your life then you have nothing to do with rape or rape planning in your life, do you, Mr. Krznar?"

"That's right, I didn't plan to rape anyone and I could never do that, I know myself well enough to know that I just couldn't!" Sanchez felt that the end of this confession about rape was approaching and the moment of his departure for lunch, he could almost feel in his stomach how his stomach greeted him as a sign of welcome for quickly maneuvering long fantasy descriptions of rape that he regularly listened to at Mr. Krznar's confessions...

"Oh, great, so we can conclude this; you have sinned lewd thoughts with your fantasies about raping various women. You have sinned only m**********n with your fantasies about rape, and you have sinned wanting married women. These are all grave sins but they are also common and characteristic of most people I meet in my craft, so to conclude, your fantasies about rape count only as of the sin of lewd thoughts and not as the sin of rape or say adultery..."

"But Jesus said that he who looks with lust at a woman has sinned adultery!"

Sanchez winced briefly and snapped. "Yes, you are right! The truth is, this sin you committed, it can also be counted as the sin of adultery, and your thoughts unclean!"

Krznar continued, "For if you only imagine s*x with her, according to Jesus, that is the same as having it!"

Sanchez: "That's right!"

Krznar: "Well, I imagined raping women, which by Jesus' standards means it's the same as raping those women!"

Sanchez: "Well, I would not say that. I do not agree with that!"

Krznar: "And how can we find out what exactly Jesus meant in this particular case, or what he was thinking?"

Sanchez: "We do not know, and we will never know until we meet the good Lord in eternity, but I am not going to insist on asking him that particular question, maybe you could?!”

Krznar: "Now you are making fun of me!"

Sanchez: "Maybe I am making fun of you for two reasons, first because I do not understand you and second because you are exhausting! If I am to be honest, I am really hungry and would like to have lunch as soon as possible. With all due respect, we have confessed enough for today, even if your sin is fornication and worse than what you thought, the good God forgave you for that a long time ago! "

At that moment, Sanchez demonstratively got up and moved away from the bed, began to put on a scarf, but not yet a coat, giving the impression that he had something to say before leaving the room. As he wandered around the room, he approached the window of the monastery, where he managed to catch a brief glimpse of the square in front of the monastery and in front of the Zagrebs Cathedral. It was a foggy Zagreb morning, the fog had not lifted since the night before. One could hardly see anything…

They could not see the finger in front of their nose. only silhouettes in the distance. This Christmas in 1968. was without snow and it seemed as if the whole year would be without snow ...

"The s****l revolution in Paris, we were not good this year, neither God will help us anymore, nor send snow!" A gypsy woman was shouting in front of the cathedral, trying to encourage the passers-by in front of the church to give her some money...

Sanchez looked at the nativity scenes in front of the Cathedral and noticed that they were arranged differently than he had left them yesterday, the figures were placed differently and St. Joseph did not have his hat on his head, which he had invented especially for these nativity scenes. He could not see well through the mist, but it seemed to him that there were still some people sitting in the manger...

"Where were we?" Old Krznar interrupted him again with a thoughtful look out the window. "We stopped where I was going for lunch!" The Krznar now fired hastily from his cannon; "There's something else I have never confessed or told you!"

Sanchez: "Uffff, this must be another case of imaginary rape?!"

Krznar: "Yes, but this case is different from all the cases mentioned so far!"

Sanchez: "Believe it or not, I wonder what you are going to say?!"

Krznar: "Immediately after the war there was a young Ustasha military woman from the NDH youth machine!" Sanchez thought he was good at reading people, and now he sensed something that would really sound even worse...

"And what did you do to her?" He replied.

"I did not do anything to her, but this Ustasha girl was raped by the Yugoslav partisans at the end of the war. I knew she was raped and I m*********d every day on her and her rape event!"

Sanchez stepped away from the bed Krznar was lying on again and stared out the window.

He stared wordlessly out the window into the distance for a while, deliberately allowing silence to fill the room with its omnipotent presence. He willingly allowed the unease to enter in the awkward relationship between himself and his dying protégé.

Now Krznar was silent, he bowed his head, surrendered to shame, but he bowed his head down a little and at that moment he no longer pressed with questions and his demands. The silence suddenly crystallized so abruptly in all four corners of the room at that moment. The end of the sounds.

Now you could hear the ticking of the clock, but the smallest hand that indicates the seconds is constantly tapping with a slightly muffled voice that is impossible to imitate with a human mouth, because that sound is just too specific...

"I told you about this new devotion from Poland. We have prayed them before in the past few days, but I do not know to what extent the insights I tried to impart to you about these supposed apparitions of a certain sister from a Polish convent have captured your mind. I doubt if you have been listening to me all these days, for I have spoken to you quickly, Slaven. Your name is Slaven, is it not, Mr. Krznar?

"This devotion has been banned until this year. I mean, forbidden by the Church!" "Yes, I understand what you are saying, mister, I always forget your name priest although I call you by name frequently?" Krznar asked.

"Alfonso! Alfonso Sanchez!" Sanchez retorted.

"And now this year in Krakow they have lifted the ban on these proclamations of Heaven to this nun in the Polish convent, Faustina Kowalska, it was pronounced by this new Archbishop in Krakow - Wojtyla.

"Yes, I see!" Krznar trailed off his thoughts...

"And what I want to say to you is that in your case, I mean your conscience, which you cannot calm, perhaps the wisest thing is to try to pray the rosary properly and to put a picture of this rosary on your chest while you are lying on the bed or on the wall right next to you. I am not your judge, Mr. Krznar, if you wish, I will pray with you!"

"Yes, of course, thank you, young Mr. Alfonso!"

"Because you see, Mr. Krznar, it is Jesus himself, through St. Faustina, who is promising to every soul who prays that rosary at least once in their lifetime to give some grace of God at the end of their life, in the most important moment of all and that is our death. Jesus also promised that those souls who worship the image of Divine Mercy will not be lost! This is probably because these souls are called to the greatest attribute of God, and that is God's Mercy! You understand, Mr. Krznar, this is very important and great information in our world, in our church. and in our lives! Do you know that one should pray a lot every day for the dying?!"

Alfonso began to rummage through his belongings, and as he took the draft of the rosary out of his pocket, he read the documents delivered to the Kaptol in Zagreb, directly from Krakow, relating to the rosary, and said: "This is not just about you, it's about me also, see what Jesus revealed in the diary made by sister Faustina, so he gave him a semi-yellow paper, on which it was written:

"Souls, who become apostles and spreaders of my mercy, I will protect all their lives as a mother protects her newborn, and at the time of their death, I will not be a Judge for them but a Savior. At the hour of death, the soul has nothing to defend itself with but my mercy. Blessed is that soul, who all her life has endeavored to be under the protection of my mercy, for such a soul will not receive my justice. " I promise that the soul who worships this image will not be lost. Already in this world, I promise her victory over her enemies, especially at the hour of death. "

Sanchez took his rosary, dissolved a huge rosary with large grains, a long rosary from Spain, from the place called Garabandal, it fell over his whole legs in length, almost to the floor...

"This is how the rosary of Divine Mercy is prayed, Mr. Krznar!" At those first words, all the claustrophobia, the narrow space of the room, the smell of damp walls, and all the sources of condemning emotions, in the old heart of Slaven Krznar, were broken. Soon, the destruction created in the room, with the speed of lightning, spread further, through the narrow corridors of the monastery, as if it were traveling, for the Spaniard prayed loudly, and his voice traveled through the narrow corridors of the monastery, every ear heard it, and every heart felt it, throughout the monastery.

On the first three grains on the Rosary, Sanchez prayed:

“Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom comes, Thy will be done, both in heaven and on earth. Our daily bread Give us today,and forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation,save us from evil. Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord be with you. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth.And in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord,who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary,tortured under Pontius Pilate, crucified, died and buried;descended over hell; on the third day he rose from the dead;ascended into heaven, sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty;from there he will come to judge the living and the dead.I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Holy Catholic Church communion of saints, forgiveness of sins, resurrection of the body, eternal life. Amen.”

On the large grains of the rosary Sanchez prayed:

Eternal Father, I present to you the body and blood, the soul and the divinity of your beloved Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, as satisfaction for the sins of us and the whole world.

On the small grains of the rosary Sanchez prayed:

Through his bitter torment, be merciful to us and to the whole world.Completion of the Rosary:Holy God, holy strong God, holy immortal God, have mercy on us and the whole world!

Closing prayer:

“O Blood and Water that flowed from the Heart of Jesus as a source of mercy for us, I trust in you! Mary, Mother of Mercy, pray for us ! Jesus, I trust in you! (thrice) Have mercy on us and on the whole world, Lord!”

After the rosary, Sanchez made strong appeals to Divine Mercy:

“Lord, have mercy! Christ, have mercy! Lord, have mercy! Christ, hear us! Christ, hear us! Heavenly Father, God, have mercy on us! Son, Redeemer of the world, God, have mercy on us! Holy Spirit, God, have mercy on us! Holy Trinity, one God, have mercy on us!”

The narrow damp corridors of the old monastery echoed Sanchez's invocations, of Divine Mercy, and his invocations, to Divine Mercy, were heard by all persons in the entire monastery.

AUTHOR NOTE:

YOU CAN READ THE FULL NOVEL ON sss, UNDER TITLE "NIGHT IN ZAGREB" BY AUTHOR ADAM MEDVIDOVIĆ