I Love A Gang Leader

Trip Down Memory Lane

I slammed my bedroom door and laid my back against the door.

I pat around my body in search of my phone to listen to music and calm down, but started to panic when I couldn’t feel it anywhere. I walk outside room and see Kay about to knock on my door.

“Kay?” I asked, he jumped before but had a bright smile on his face instantly.

“Whatever, you left your phone in the training room.”

“Thank you,” I say quietly grabbing it, him nodding with his smile still plastered on his face.

“Hey, Bella, no one is upset with you, we’re more pissed at Rowan, but take as much time as you need to collect yourself. No one will be upset with you.” I smiled, but I know it didn’t reach my eyes. I hug Kay and whisper a ‘Thank you’ in his shoulder, before going back into the spare room.

I flop onto the bed and fall asleep going down memory lane.

It was the end of my senior year of high school and I was finally growing into my looks. My hair was to my butt, my acne cleared up, I didn’t wear braces anymore, I had contacts but I still liked wearing my glasses, and I was no longer as chubby as I used to be. I still had a little belly cause I love food.

Everyone would stare at me in the hallways in disbelief, some girls even looked jealous and good cause I wasn’t a plastic b***h and that should never put down the ugly ducking, you never know when they’ll spring up.

I was confident, proud, and kind. Everyone loved me I thought it was funny cause they were the same ones who laughed and made fun of me. There was this one girl in particular who was mad, Carrie Margret.

She was someone I ended up fighting against a lot, but that year would be the last time she ever bothered me. One day she followed me to a park my friends and I were going to. I thought it was a coincidence so I shrugged it off. I was talking with my friends when my hair started getting pulled and I started getting dragged.

I ripped my head from whoever was dragging me. It hurt but it had to be done. I rolled onto my stomach and saw Carrie dropping strands of my hair. I wasn’t in the mood to fight but Carrie wasn’t giving me much choice. She was kept charging at me and at some point, she got on top of me and began choking me, but I wrapped my hands around her throat and pushed in her jugular notch. She rolled over kneeling trying to catch her breath. I kicked her temple harder than I intended and the back of her head hit a metal pole.

She stayed there unmoving, not breathing, there was blood everywhere. I heard whispers and shocked gasps. I yelled for someone to call for an ambulance. I thought she was going to die. I was terrified. I had caused this. All the blood that surrounded me was Carrie’s. I just stayed there with tears streaming down my face as I looked at my trembling hands I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I started panicking and I passed out.

I came to a few hours later in my own hospital bed. My parents told me that Carrie was fine except for some internal bleeding but she would be fine. I ended up visiting Carrie, making an agreement with her parents. I felt super bad so I would pay for the hospital bill with my own money. Her parents insisted I didn’t have to since it was self-defense, but I caused her to be in the hospital so I felt like it was a responsibility I had to take care of not her parents.

Then one day as I was going to check in on Carrie, her parents were standing outside her room crying and then they told me her injuries were too severe and she died in her sleep. I never forgave myself.

I get up with a start remembering my incident with Carrie, then remembered my little incident with Keith and shuddered. I was close to breaking his arm, I wasn't seeing Keith. I was seeing Carrie. I would never want to hurt Keith and the others on purpose, I don't even want to be mad at them. Just remembering Carrie didn’t help the sick feeling in my stomach.

I felt tears gathering in my eyes and stream down my face. The blood pounded in my ears. My heart thudded in my chest. My hands shook. My feet tingled. A sob escaped my throat as I put my shaky hands over my mouth so I wouldn’t disturb anyone. I cried harder, my chest growing tight as bile rose in my throat, making me scramble out of the bed to the trash can heaving over it, more tears obscuring my vision.

I knew exactly what was happening. I was having a panic attack. I needed help. I couldn't reach my phone, so I screamed. I don't know if I did, I know I opened my mouth, I don't know if any sounds came out. Everything was blurry and blinding, but the next thing I comprehend is that I'm staring up at the ceiling.

I hear a mumbled voice from beside me, it sounded comforting and I faintly felt my head being stroked and I immediately grabbed whoever's hand and held it tightly. If I let go I would slip away and start the cycle over. My breathing slowly returned to normal, but there were tears still streaming down my face.

"That's it. You're here. Slow breathes Bella." I nod and slowly began to let go of the person's hand before slowly sitting up and looking back to see Keith. He wipes the rest of my tears off my face, "You need to eat something. Do you want me-"

I cut him off and hug him, "Don't leave, please. Please." I begged. I don't want to be alone. Not yet. He nodded and pulled me closer. We stayed quiet in each other's arms.