The Magic Triangle

River's Damage

***RIVER***

I am almost asleep but still awake enough to know I am not quite there yet. I was finally able to find a comfortable position on my mom's creaky old guestroom bed, with my 2.5 year old son, Alex, curled up in my arms. His sweet, soft snores soothing my battered soul more than I ever thought possible. It is lying here with tear-stained cheeks and a groggy head from all the tears shed that I finally find some semblance of peace. I am not crying for my lost marriage, that was over a long time ago, but for the abuse I am still having to endure. Leaving him was an easy decision, but it was his threats that always kept me by his side. He swore if I left he would take Alex away and I would never see him again. The mere mention of losing my baby and I was crawling back to him on my knees. There is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for my baby boy and now his sibling is growing in my belly. I stroke my stomach at this thought, trying to protect my unborn child from the cruel reality of his father. Richard comes from a very wealthy family and he has always used Alex to keep me by his side. He knows I would never risk losing my child, but bringing two children into this suffering is more than I can bear. I have to set an example for my kids that this isn't what love is. I feel tears threatening to spill from my eyes again as I hold Alex a little tighter and worry about the events we will have to endure together. He is too young to have to go through any of this and I wish I could shield him from it all. I bury my face in his powdery blonde hair and breathe him in, letting him relax me back to that almost blissful sleep before I hear my phone vibrate on the bedside table. I almost ignore it, knowing it is probably Richard with more threats and degradations about me as a mother or wife, but something inside me tells me to just check it.

I roll slowly towards the table, careful not to disturb my sleeping little prince, and turn my screen on to see who it is. My eyes immediately begin to fill with tears again, happy ones this time, when I read the name of the person messaging me on f*******:. My friend Scarlett sent me a message to let me know she is available if I need anything or just want to talk. It is a simple message and I am probably reading way more into it than I should, but my heart still pounds hard in my chest where before, all I felt was emptiness. She has no idea how many times I have escaped my living nightmare by revisiting our time together as children. Something about her has always calmed me and brought me peace. I start to type a reply to her, with the first smile that I have had on my face in months.

***SCARLETT***

River's message finally comes through and I let out a huge sigh when I see that she is happy to hear from me and wants to have a playdate with the kids. I immediately reply with my agreement and we continue to talk back and forth and make plans for the weekend. It is so strange that we have gone this long without talking and yet it still feels so natural and like we never stopped. She opens up slightly during a message about her divorce and I can tell from just the messages that River is not the same River she used to be. It shatters my heart to pieces to think of what it would have taken to break her so badly. She is no longer her confident and outspoken self, but simply a shell of the person she used to be. As I chat with her for hours while I rock Desiree, who gave up on me long ago and is now sleeping soundly, I make an unspoken promise to never lose this friendship again. Not only do I want to help River get her old self back, but I am starting to feel like my old self that I didn't even realize was gone.

The week flies by quickly, with laundry, baby routines, and chatting with River. Before I know it, the weekend is here and I am packing up the kiddos to go meet her at the local park. I thought I would be nervous but we fell back into this beautiful harmony that I had forgotten existed between us. I am now just ready to see her in person and maybe glean some more insight into what has been going on in her life and, most importantly, what has dimmed her vibrant spirit. As I pull into the park I see River is already here with her little boy and I cannot help but smile. I am so overwhelmed with happiness that my friend is back in my life that I have to fight back tears. As I am unbuckling Marilyn and grabbing the baby carrier out of the back seat, I realize something that makes me stop in my tracks. Not only do I want River to open up to me about her life, but for the first time since everything happened in mine, I want to talk to someone about it.

***RIVER***

I am sitting on a bench at the park where I agreed to meet Scarlett while watching Alex play. It is so freeing for us to just be us and not have to walk on egg shells worried we might do something to trigger Richard into a violent rage. I am still worried about him using his billionaire grandfather's money to take Alex away, but I convince myself I will fight tooth and nail to make sure that never happens, so I try my best to put it out of my mind and just enjoy the moment here with my son. I hear someone approaching and I glance over to see if it's Scarlett. Shielding my eyes from the unrelenting sun, I see Scarlett walking towards me carrying a car carrier and the most beautiful little girl runs out from behind her and immediately starts talking and playing with Alex. Scarlett is breathtaking and I suddenly feel very self-conscious about my own appearance. Not only is the baby bump popping out a lot sooner than I thought it would, but being emotionally terrorized by my ex did nothing for my urge to even attempt looking my best.

She smiles when she sees that I've spotted her, but I notice that her smile isn't quite touching her eyes. As she gets closer and sets her baby down, I stand to hug her and I can see pain swirling just under the surface of her happy facade. I peek at her precious sleeping baby girl in her carrier and swoon over how much she looks like a living doll! We sit down and start talking about our lives, the kids and pretty much anything else we can talk about to avoid the obvious elephant in the room. I purposefully didn't tell her very much about the past 7 years with my ex and the reasons behind our divorce. I told her I would feel more comfortable delving into that in person. Honestly, I was hoping I could avoid telling anyone all together, but as we talk I still see that hurt and sadness in her eyes and I can pick up on the faint tendrils of sorrow seeping through in her voice. It concerns me that maybe she has experienced pain that noone knows about either, so I decide to give her my story in the hopes of getting something from her in return.

"So... about the divorce and my marriage..." I tentatively lead us to the conversation that I silently pray I can make it through. I see her body still and she locks eyes with me as I quickly look up from where I was staring a hole through my writhing hands. What I see there is not excitement to hear the latest news to rock the small town of Bodal, but genuine concern, and that is what gives me the strength to continue. She doesn't say anything and patiently waits for me to build my courage up. I sigh heavily and wipe my hand down my face before looking back down at my hands and focusing on my thumbnail. I let my mind drift back to the things I swore I would forget and I start telling her everything from start to finish...

"After Paul and I broke up over that b***h telling him I f****d my ex, I did what I always did back then, I attempted to get over him by getting under someone else. That someone else was Richard because we had been chatting on MySpace back and forth and he was such a caring and empathetic ear when it came to everything in my life. He was a really good friend to me and when Paul and I broke up I was devastated. It felt like there was a giant void in my soul where he once was and I had no idea how to fill it. Richard was so sweet and would send me flowers to work and do anything he could to try to help heal my heart, but it never really did. I decided that maybe a new relationship and a fresh love would help to put my life back together so when Richard asked me out I said yes.

We only dated for a short while before I moved in with him. I was in college for my nursing degree and I wanted out of my parents house so badly that it hurt. He made me feel special by telling me that I was the only woman he had ever felt this way for and that he never wanted to get married or have a family but with me he could see it. It started out so great and I thought that even though I still had this empty hole inside that Paul left, maybe I could learn to live with it and eventually forget it was there. I have always been a lover and I thought I could have a happy life with Richard. We had our problems before we got married, but I blamed them on myself for being new to living with someone and not knowing how to be a proper homemaker. Richard had this clear picture of what he wanted from a woman and he would get very angry if those expectations were not met. He would start drinking if I didn't make the right thing for dinner or if I didn't get enough done around the house and with the alcohol came the verbal attacks. He would call me worthless and dead weight that he had to carry around. He would throw plates or tear laudry out of the closet that I didn't hang up right and I would give it right back to him. I didn't throw anything but I would defend myself and ultimately he would break up with me and kick me out of the house. Yet I always went back to him because when he sobered up the next morning he would come over to my parents begging me back. He told me he couldn't even remember doing any of the things he did and that he loved me and wanted me to come home. I fell for it everytime and started trying to get him to cut back on drinking, but it only made him hide bottles in strange places thoughout the house. My will to fight back and stand my ground got weaker and weaker as I slowly became this timid woman who stood there with her head down as he threw random things at me and verbally degraded me. I would apologize profusely and try everything I could to calm him down, but my words were like fuel to his fire because now I knew I was doing something wrong. I kept brainwashing myself into thinking that it could be worse and he never actually hit me. I stayed because I didn't know any better and I thought that I could fix him. Then our wedding day came and I realized just how wrong I was.

Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed about my wedding day. I wanted a small little wedding with wildflowers in my hair and a simple flowing dress. I wanted it in a gorgeous secluded spot where you could hear the sounds of nature and I wanted to walk down the aisle barefoot. I know it sounds so hippy dippy and like a romantic fairytale but I wasn't asking for much. Richard was not ok with my ideal wedding at all and he demanded that we get married at the local country club where his grandpa was part owner and where his brother had gotten married earlier that year. By this point I was so beaten down that I didn't even really put up a fight and when that day came I wanted nothing more than to just get it over with. I buried it all down and smiled pretty for the pictures but every fiber of my being was telling me it was wrong. My dad walked me down the aisle in my giant, poofy, expensive dress and 6 inch heels that I had no clue how to walk in. Thankfully my daddy knew my lack of grace and I basically relied on him to keep me standing. When Richard came down the aisle and stood in front of me I knew that my day had just gotten even worse. I almost gagged from the stench of alcohol radiating off of him and I knew from his eyes that he was already wasted.

He managed to stumble through the ceremony and halfway through our first dance before he got distracted by the open bar. He went back several times and I kept trying to hide the extent of his drunkeness. When it had gotten so bad that people were getting concerned, I asked him if maybe he should slow down a bit since we still had a long drive for our honeymoon. His eyes instantly filled with anger and he slammed his drink down so hard on the counter that it shattered. Everyone turned to see what was happening as he stood up and started yelling at me. "THIS IS MY f*****g WEDDING AND I WILL DRINK AS MANY f*****g DRINKS AS I WANT TO b***h!" I tried to make myself as small as I possibly could in that moment as I heard gasps from all of our guests. After the deafening silence that followed I broke down and ran crying to the bathroom. Our family came in and tried to make me feel better and let me know that weddings are stressful. They had no idea that this was my constant state with him. I finally pulled myself together and we made our exit towards the car. I hopped in the drivers seat obviously and Richards brother helped him drunkenly stumble to the passenger seat. The 3 hour ride was a f*****g nightmare and he berated me for embarrassing him like that in front of our friends and family. He said I was the biggest f*****g b***h and he had no idea why he married such a stupid w***e. Then he started singing "Stupid b***h w***e, stupid b***h whore..." over and over again until I was finally granted some solice when he passed out about an hour and a half into our ride. When we got there I tried to wake him up but he wasn't budging. I even tried to see if I could possibly drag him inside the hotel room but there was no way with him being well over 220 pounds of dead weight. I finally decided that there was nothing I could do, so I let the windows down and left him in the car, knowing I would catch hell for that in the morning. I got into the room and started unpacking my bag, crying hysterically when I saw the wedding night lingerie laying there uselessly.

The rest of our marriage continued that way and I only left him one other time when he got so mad at me when I told him I was going to my parents that he shoved me into the wood framing on our bathroom door. I had always told myself that if it ever got physical then I would leave and that's exactly what I did. I made it to the gas station before he was calling me and he apologized and told me I was blowing it way out of proportion. He said that he didn't mean to shove me and it was all a misunderstanding and he would never do anything to hurt me. I guess I was so f*****g hell bent on making it work that I went back, but the abuse didn't stop. It was always "accidental" or my own fault from being defiant. He left bruises on my wrists from wrestling my phone and keys out of my hands and then slamming them to the ground. After we moved to Tallahassee he finally took the opportunity to try to cut me off from my friends and family completely. He had total control over when I could see them and what I was allowed to post on social media. We decided to try for Alex because I kept having horrible abdominal pain and was diagnosed with endometriosis. They told me if I wanted children I might want to try sooner rather than later due to the scar tissue building up every cycle. I hated the idea of having kids with Richard but I thought that a child might make him stop drinking and become a better person. Little did I know that I was going to make it worse and the only bright light in my life was going to have a front row seat to the action. After having Alex I soon realized there was no changing him. One of the worst things I can remember, there was alot, was Richard getting drunk on our vacation and cussing me out on the way back with Alex sitting in the backseat right next to him. I told him I was going to call my mom and Alex and I would stay with her for the night and he lost his s**t. He snatched the phone out of my hand and threw it out the window as I was driving. Something inside me just couldn't take it though. I couldn't let my baby watch and hear that all afternoon so I told him I would stop at a gas station and ask to use their phone. That threw him over the line from rage to sheer insanity and he stood up in the car and reached into the center console. He ACTUALLY pulled the pistol that we kept in the center console out and for a split second I thought he was going to kill me. I started screaming and crying as he sat back down with the gun, c****d it and put it to his temple. He said "If you stop anywhere or leave tonight I will shoot my f*****g brains out right now." I was histerical and begging him to put the f*****g gun down and Alex was crying, not knowing what was going on, but knowing I was obviously upset. I promised I wouldn't stop or go anywhere if he would just drop the gun and he eventually did. After that he discovered threatening to legally take Alex from me with all of the resources his rich grandpa had was alot more effective at keeping me under his thumb.

Richard and I had went almost 6 months without having s*x because just the thought of him or the smell of alcohol on his breath made me sick. I always found an excuse with our son Alex being in his terrible twos and me working 48-60 hours a week at the hospital so we could afford that giant f*****g house Richard just had to have. One night though he was actually sober for the first time since our marriage and he was kissing me all over. I was getting over a sinus infection, but I felt okay enough that I thought maybe this could be a turning point for us, so I gave in to his advances. Richard never kissed or touched me unless he wanted to f**k so I knew where it was leading. s*x with Richard was suffocating. Literally, I felt like a giant f*****g walrus was flouncing all over me and his weight made it hard for me to even breath, much less enjoy it. I let him have me though, I remember wincing as he slathered spit onto his stubby c**k and just shoved himself hard and deep into my bone dry p***y. Nothing about him had turned me on for quite a while so instead of trying to fix it he just used his spit. It felt like forcing a wet hot dog in and out of a dry paper towel. I gritted my teeth and right before I almost passed out from his suffocating weight combined with my raw v****a, I felt him stiffen and c*m. I took a huge gulp of fresh air as he rolled off of me and almost instantly started snoring.

It was 5 weeks later that I realized my period was late. I didn't really track it because we weren't having s*x and I was on birth control, but I didn't know why I would be late. I thought back to the only time Richard and I had s*x and my heart stopped. I was on f*****g antibiotics for that damn sinus infection! I should have thought of that! I am a f*****g nurse for christ sakes. I hurried to the dollar store to buy a pregnancy test before Richard could get home. The entire time I was waiting for the test to read I prayed harder than I had ever prayed for me to not be pregnant. Yet when the timer went off and I saw those two pink lines I broke down in tears. I Couldn't do this to another precious baby. I told Richard that night upstairs in his office with my head hung low, hoping he would see that I was just as upset with the news. He got so angry and started cussing me and calling me a good for nothing w***e. He was being so loud that I started worrying he would wake Alex so I walked out to go check on him. That pissed Richard off even more and he stormed out after me, yelling "YOU DON'T f*****g WALK AWAY FROM ME!" I had made it to the stairs and I stopped to turn around and explain myself, but he was closer than I thought and he grabbed me hard by the shoulders and grinned, "we can take care of this problem right now!" he laughed as he pushed me closer and closer to the stairs. Realization struck me and I started screaming and begging for him not to push me. Something in him seemed to realize what he was doing right before I lost footing on the top step. He grunted and said "there is no way your pathetic ass is even worth the jail time!" before he stomped off and slammed his office door so hard that it cracked down one side. I ran as fast as I could to Alex and thanked God he was still asleep, but I knew then what I had to do, I just had to figure out how. Luckily, he gave me the perfect opportunity a few weeks later.

Richard had the day off from work and we were both ignoring each other. I had slept in Alex's room everynight after I told him I was pregnant and I was happy to just avoid him whenever possible. Richard was already drunk by noon and I was working on some schoolwork for my Bachelors degree that would be overdue if not submitted by midnight. Alex was playing at my feet and I kept praying that Richard would just stay outside in the pool and keep his distance. By nightfall though he had come back inside and started trying to kiss me and get my attention. I was still working on my assignments on and off between playing and caring for Alex so I told him I was tired and had to get my work done before midnight. That pissed him off and he went off on a tangent about how I never want to f**k him and he can't believe he married such a prude b***h. I tried to keep my head down and ignore him, but he just kept on. He was so drunk that I couldn't even make out alot of what he was saying. Alex was in bed and I hoped if I didn't acknowledge him then he would eventually tire himself out, but it just made him get more creative. He said if I didn't f**k him like a wife is suppose to then he would just kill himself. I grew still when he said that and stopped typing and he took this as it working. He then got up and stumbled to the back door yelling that he was just going to go drown himself in the f*****g pool since his own wife was a cold hearted b***h. Working as a nurse I knew that those threats could have him involuntarily commited for at least 24 hours so I played into it as he walked out the back door. I saw him smile when he saw me through the glass back door walking over. He ran over to jump in the pool thinking I was coming to stop him but instead I locked the backdoor. I then ran to the front door to lock it as well then ran to our room to hide all of the guns. I then called 911 and prayed that the cops responded fast as I heard him beating hard on the back door. I knew without a doubt in my mind that if he got inside before the cops got there I would be dead. He kept beating on the door louder and louder as I stayed on the phone with the 911 dispatcher, telling her that my husband threatened to kill himself and I locked him outside and hid all of the guns. When she told me that the cops were pulling up to my house and that I could disconnect the line when I saw them I heard the ear splitting sound of broken glass. I knew he had broken the glass backdoor and I ran as fast as I could out the front door. I was met with cops and they had their flashlights and guns pointed at me. I froze and dropped my phone to raise my hands above my head. I explained quickly that I was the person who called and my husband had just broken into the backdoor. They took him to a psych facility after some questioning and I immediately started packing mine and Alex's bags. I knew I only had 24 hours before he would be released and I wanted to be long gone before then."

I finish my story and start wiping my nose and my eyes frantically. I was crying the entire time I explained everything, but I was too focused on getting through it to care. I look over at Scarlett through sore, watery eyes and meet her gaze for the first time since I started and what I see there makes me grab and hug her to me. She had tear stained cheeks and the pain in her eyes was no longer hiding under the surface but staring right back at me.