We chose this life

Chapter 3 - To the abyss and back

It has been almost a year and a half since I've moved to another country to pursue my dream of becoming a doctor in architecture. My idea was to get a stable job once I finish the dissertation and start my life anew. I could not have imagined how all my dreams and aspirations would come to an abrupt end when I failed to get the financial support for my research. It was winter, and the whole city was still living off last bits of New Year's Eve remains. Blissful people, blissful times. New beginnings to breathe in new hopes. This whole ravishing set was giving me the strength to believe I will somehow succeed in preserving my current position at the faculty and that I can still finish my doctoral studies.

Just as I was about to leave the apartment I rented, my smartphone buzzed. I took it out of my pocket and unlocked the screen to check the freshly arrived notification. Qmail.

"Dear Annie, I am surprised to learn you haven't got the financial support for which you applied last September. I would like you to come to my office today at 10 am to discuss your research project. Best regards, Colin." sent around midnight. Does he ever sleep? Just the thought of meeting with my promoter and facing the possible consequences of not having any other solutions for my financial support was enough to send shivers down my spine. But there was no escape from this situation, and at twenty-five, you've got to act your age and not your shoe size. I quickly picked up my backpack with the laptop already inside, stepped outside the entrance hall and into the cold building staircase. I turned the key to my apartment twice and took the stairs to the ground floor. 

It was a chilly morning, and people around me rushed to their respective offices with a sure step, all the while keeping serious faces. The wind was blowing, and I felt its cold tentacles rebelliously pierce through the thick sleeves of my coat and going straight for my bones. God, I hated winter. As much as I enjoyed festivities and holiday spirit, I hated the cold weather and the wind. Especially the wind.

Before reaching the faculty building, just a few hundreds of meters before stepping inside, I took my phone out of my pocket again. I typed a reply to my promoter, confirming the hour of our meeting he suggested. "Dear Colin, I agree we should meet to discuss my project and possible financial solutions. The proposed hour is OK for me. Kind regards, Annie." We used this almost friendly tone in all email correspondences, and it appeared to be a regular thing in this country, unlike my motherland where promoters and those with higher rankings were always treated with complete respect. Here everybody seemed to act as if they were friends of many years standing. It puzzled me, and though I accepted the use of such tone, I still found it hard to understand. 

8 am sharp, I entered the office I shared with three other colleagues. I will be alone for at least an hour, and I rejoiced at that very thought. No one around to interrupt my work and no one with silly questions about the past weekend activities. I could make myself the coffee and actually enjoy the silence to go through my emails and reply to the most urgent enquiries. The smell of freshly ground and made coffee tingled my nose. I took a small sip, switched my laptop on and started reading the email. I still had some fifty minutes before my colleagues barge into the office, and the endless chit-chat begins.

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"Ah, Annie! Please, come in." Colin responded to my knocking on the door frame of his opened office. He lisped as he spoke, which occasionally made me feel awkward when listening to his speech. I took the chair next to his meeting table and slowly sat. I knew that this is not going to be a conversation in my favour, but here we were.

"Listen, Annie, as I said in my email, I am surprised you didn't get the fellowship. And... I somehow don't get the feeling you are interested in doing a PhD." he paused and then took where he left off. "I think you should perhaps return to your country and find a job that suits you there."

"Well, Colin, I must say I am surprised to hear your words. I really put a lot of effort into applying to various fellowships, and it took me a lot the precious time from my research." I had to greet like a cat on all fours after the fall after hearing what he had to say. How dare he? He was never around to proof-read my fellowship applications. He was never there when his PhD students needed him, and now he had the audacity to blame me for it by pretending I wasn't working enough. No, I am not accepting this. I was furious, but I kept a calm and dead serious facial expression.

"I don't have any more resources for you. I am sorry," he replied. Something told me this wasn't a full closure of our discussion. Yet, I felt my cheeks start to burn from anger that was building up. He had no idea what it took me to come to another country, a country I didn't really know. He didn't know what it was like to fight for your position and something told me he didn't want to know. He was comfortable in life, a fine professor at the university. 

"Well, if that would be all..." I stood up and gave him one final look.

"Yes, that would be all." he followed and extended his right hand, apparently in the hope that we can shake hands. Being so well educated by my parents, I didn't object. For the first time since I knew Colin, his hand felt as if made of slime. Just as I was about to leave his office, I heard him lisp one last thing to me. "Oh, and Annie... Good luck." he smiled.

 What a jerk, I thought to myself while forcing a smile on my lips. This won't be the last time you'll see me, Colin. And with that, I went upstairs to my office to pack my stuff and say goodbye to my colleagues.

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"How long will you be away?" Nathan asked me while leaning on my kitchen sink. 

 "Two months and ten days."

"That's very nice... Any plans on doing something special?"

"Just spending my time with my family and distancing myself from all the bad things that happened to me since I came here."

"It can't be all that bad, can it? Here, do you consider me as a bad thing that happened to you?" Nathan teased me with his look. He became such a good friend during the first year of my stay away from my home. He had his own troubles and doubts, but whenever I felt the need to talk life philosophy or needed a little bit of moral boost, he was there for me. And in return, I was there for him when he had ups and downs with his girlfriend. All in all, I could never consider him a bad thing that happened to me since I came to do my research.

"No Nathan, of course not." I chuckled as I pushed one last bit of my summer clothing into my luggage. "Shall we have one before I leave?"

"Hey miss, you're not yet leaving, I remind you! But yes, definitely, I'll roll one."

And so we sat on my terrace, smoking pot and escaping for the umpteenth time our reality. This felt so good and innocent.

"I was thinking... Before I leave, we should go out for a pint or two with Marc and whoever wants to join us. I will be missing you guys while I am away."

"Who's getting soft now?" Nathan kept a stiff smile on his face. I could tell he was in his happy place now.

"Stop it! I am serious." I tried ignoring his teasing.

"Alright, alright. Yes, I think it is a great idea. I would love to go out." he burst into a laugh, and I knew I would have to organize this myself. Nathan's hysterical giggle echoed down the street.

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The night we all went out, Marc had this idea of inviting their close friend from student days, Michael. At first, it was a bit strange to have him with us the night before I will leave, as the jokes and stories were mostly revolving around my time spent at the faculty with Nathan and Marc. Half of the time he looked puzzled by our stories, but he chuckled and followed with a lot of attention what we were saying. He seemed like a nice person if I could make such a judgement based on only three hours we spent mostly listening to each others' stories. He joined us because he was free that night, and he had to give Marc back his tools which he used to construct a bed in the apartment where he just moved in with his roommate.

The bar was slowly closing, and the four of us stepped out into the scent of spilt beer, urine and gasoline. It was a hot summer, and I was really looking forward to spending my time with my family at the seaside.

While the three continued talking about their old friends and who is already married, who just broke up their long-term relationships and who is doing what in their professional lives, I felt my eyelids getting heavier and heavier. I decided it was about time I went home.

"Guys, it was nice seeing you, but I have to leave you now. My plane is at 9 am tomorrow, and I want to get some sleep before waking up at 6." I muttered.

"Where are you going? Shall I walk you back to your home?" suddenly Michael offered. How very thoughtful of him.

"Oh, I am catching the 89 bus to Blakesfield park," I replied.

"Alright, that's on my way home, I'll walk you to the bus stop." Michael stepped aside, waved to Marc and Nathan and waited patiently for me to say bye. Once I gave both Marc and Nathan a kiss on their cheeks, and when they wished me pleasant holidays, I turned myself on my heels and started walking with Michael towards the bus stop. 

We had around eight minutes to chat some more before the bus came and I had to leave him waving on the pavement. We had just enough time to get to know each other a little more and understand we share a few of the same interests and tastes.

"So how long will you stay with your family?" he shouted when the bus door opened and I was already with one foot inside.

"Two months and a few more days," I said, halfway turned away from Michael.

"That's long!" he seemed to be surprised with my answer. I turned myself to look at him. I didn't expect such a reaction from someone I've only just met. The following second I saw a glimpse of longing in his eyes. What was the longing for? I didn't have any more time to inspect his face, the bus was about to leave, and I rushed myself to smile.

"It was nice meeting you. See you!" I finally turned myself and got on the bus. I waved to Michael, and the bus was already leaving the stop.