IF: Life and Death

Chapter 14: Behind the Smiles

Behind the Smiles

The wind puffs the litter, that an empty bag of chips is, away from the trashcan it fails to be into, and into the road where no one is there to see it. The orange glow from the lampposts planted like trees along the sidewalks provide such guidance it's impossible to bump onto something. Clouds loom above and hide the stars and the moon behind sight as the radiance above exposes their elegance.

At night, the world is moving so slow everything is taking their time.

Cars are parked after a long day and houses are dimly lit. Some are ready to go to bed but most of them are already far asleep. It doesn't matter if someone is tired or not because the melody of the night lulls them to sleep. It's either one passed out while watching late night shows or like almost everyone, tucked on their beds with phones on their drooling faces.

But the magic doesn't always work that way.

Even if the night harmonises perfectly with the movement of the world, it still hides a broken note. Its melancholy has its own sound that only few people can hear but never understand.

The lights in every room are off but eyes are widely open. The four corners hold no sound except for whimpers that cannot be withheld. Even if most people swim freely in their own dreams, some are still drowning in realities they can't escape.

On a random space just below the tree where shadows can hide unusual things, Leo appears as if the wind spits him out. He's feeling a little dizzy he doesn't know where to hold on to so he has to balance his own weight and he did. His hands posed as if he's surfing, his right foot forward and his left foot stepping on an empty bag of chips behind him. He stands straight, fixes his shirt and wanders his eyes around.

It's a familiar neighbourhood.

"Am I home?" he asks himself but then realised he's not. It's a different street with different cars and definitely different houses, but the one in front of him is not. "Jeff?"

That feeling when you're around a place you're so familiar with that you don't even have to open your eyes to know that you're in there? Leo can feel it.  Even with his eyes closed he knows how plainly painted the fences are and how the flower pots are filled with soil and poop of stray cats wandering around. He knows how the gate is closed and how the padlock is outside. He never really figured out how Jeff or his family do that or what the point even is but he doesn't mind.

He goes inside and without looking around he knows he passes by the table set on the mini front yard, standing on the grass and sprinklers just underneath it.

On his right side is a little dog house. Bruno instinctively reacts on his presence but after a short growl its ears shot up and its tail wags as he recognises Leo. "It's been a while, buddy." Leo pets Bruno to tell the dog how deeply he misses it. "Is your douchebag of a dad here?"

After one last stroke of the fur on the dog's head, it goes back inside his house on its own and that's Leo's cue to get on his feet.

Even the front door is the same. The two pieces of grapes hang with the wind chimes, too dry as they've been hanging in there since Christmas. It's already May and yes, it's still there.

A smirk plastered on Leo's face as he makes his way inside, nonchalantly getting through the closed door. The smell stays the same. It's as if the odour of what he remembers from his last visit, which is two months ago, lingers and doesn't want to ever go away. Maybe it's the smell of the house? Or maybe it hasn't been cleaned up since then.

The entire floor is not lit of course. The living room through the dining and kitchen area is dark but then again, Leo doesn't mind. He's been dead for over two weeks now and he's even accustomed to that kind of darkness when he was still alive. The thought of walking his way to the stairs and up without lighting doesn't bother him but one thing has him turning the lamp on the small table beside the couch.

It's a quaint varnished mahogany table with a single drawer and standing at least waist high. It's opposite the living room television. A table lamp sits on it with a landline phone next to it. Leo remembers it's for Jeff's late grandmother who loved to watch broadcasts of a variety of product testings and advertisements. The couch was her favourite spot and whenever something interesting pops up the screen, it was her habit to dial the number and place and order. It was really essential that a phone was within her reach.

But that memory is not what gets him to turn on the light. Tucked under the handset is a note he finds unusual. Jeff's grandma hasn't been with them for a year now and aside from her no one really leaves a note on that table as the cork board is on the refrigerator in the kitchen.

"Is this Mama Sita's last note?" he wonders. Out of curiosity he picks it up and unfolds it twice only to reveal a very familiar handwriting. It's ugly but with its length it is also obvious that he took Jeff some time to write them all down.

"Jeff's into TV shopping now?" he asks himself again before a chuckles and seats himself comfortably on the couch. He's curious about the content and that's when finds out that's it's more than just a TV shopping note.

To whom it may concern:

I've been thinking about this lately. I know it's not good to bottle my emotions inside and not let it out but what can I do? I only have two friends. I know Adrian's recuperating after his loss and Leo? He was the one who left. It's not his fault of course but I still can't help but think how unfair it is.

Ang daya. Sobrang daya.

But I know I still have both of them around. Talking isn't the only way of communication, I know. And life is good! I have both of them. I have my mom with me so I always wake up with breakfast ready. I get to attend to a good university, and I have good cash. From other people's point of view, I have a perfect life. Which I also think I have but I don't know. I haven't told anyone about this at all but lately I'm not so sure about myself.

I have every reason to wake up each morning and get off my bed. I have a course to complete. I still have Adrian to hang up with. I have a mother to keep happy. And I still have to take care of myself.

But what I don't understand is this emptiness I feel.

Some days when I open eyes in the morning, I have this heavy feeling in my chest that weighs me down my bed. I didn't want to get up. I wanted the world to carry on without me in it. I could feel something is lacking but I was never sure what it was. It just happens on some days.

Some nights before I go to bed, that emptiness has its own ways for me to notice and feel it. Even after having blast for a day or even if I will jump onto my bed with a smile of content on my face, it will barge through my walls and consume me. I would stare on my ceiling, laying still on my bed at 3am, looking like I was thinking of something but I wasn't. There wasn't going on inside my head but I felt sad to the point where I would just feel hot tears rolling down my cheeks. That would keep me awake until I succumbed to it and the emptiness let me sleep.

It doesn't happen as much at first. I notice it coming when everything is quiet and I'm all by myself. I know it happens when I feel so much content so it has something to question about. I'm not used to it. I'm not used to feel pain. My parents raised a boy who could stand on his own but lately, everything just got me feeling alone. No one taught me how to hurt this much. No one taught me how to drown.

Eventually, it comes in waves. That's when I start asking questions. All the why's I can think of and all the uncertainties I never paid attention to before l. The ebb keeps coming, a wave after another.

I want to make it stop. I don't know how.

Adrian, if you could read this, I'm sorry my man. I know you haven't built all yourself back up yet and it's never my intention to add weight in your burden but please forgive me for this one.

Leo, you stupid s**t. Who the hell told you that you could just go dying? I know I had said something the day before it happened but I never said that I wanted you to die. If I could give my life so that you can have yours back, I would. But I guess that's not possible. There's a lot of things that are not fair in this world. That includes you dying while deep s**t people continue to live. That includes the weight Adrian is carrying while I don't even have a single gram on my shoulder. And that includes me having questions no one could ever answer.

To my mom, I know you've been through a lot since Papa and Mama Sita passed away but you never cried on me. It's not my purpose to see you crying for me but maybe this time you will and I won't be able to see it. Haha. Spare me. You know I love making jokes about death.

I'm doing this tonight...

Leo jumps off the couch and onto his feet to hurry upstairs. He's not sure how it's still possible for him to sweat because in that moment he's palms are sweating like crazy.

When I'm asleep that's the only time that it stops...

For the first time Leo feels as lively as he was when he was alive. He can hear his footsteps again, stomping heavily against the wooden floor. He can feel his heart beating erratically against his chest. In that moment it's as if a connection between the Afterdeath and the Living world gets stronger and pulls each other to become one.

At the end of the halls that's were Jeff's room is, he remembers, so with a couple of leaps he gives everything in his power to open the door that he assumes is locked.

The sound of a door forced open resonates around the corners of the house. Leo is panting as he grab the doorframe for support. Jeff is looking up, sitting on the corner of the bed, eyes full of shock as he meets his late friend again.

"L-Leo?" He stutters and it's obvious that he's just recovering from crying.

Still panting, Leo takes steps and throws himself to him. They fall on the bed with him knocking Jeff over. He rolls to his side and lies flat on his back as they both stare on the ceiling. "What the hell are you thinking?" He smacks the paper on Jeff's forehead making Jeff flinch.

"You read it?" Jeff asks in utter disbelief.

"As if I shouldn't! I even got my name on there." Leo counters and silence follows after.

"Hey," he calls Jeff but they both are still looking at the ceiling. "Don't ever think of it again."

Jeff doesn't answer so Leo speaks again. "You have no idea how much I'm going through right now. How much regret I have even though I know it's not me who took my life. If I should pay a penny for wishing and hoping to be with you guys again, for me to live, man I must have spent a million dimes already. You get the point right?" Leo feels Jeff nodding.

"Next time you feel like doing it again, think of this," he takes a pause as he remembers how he's asked himself too a couple of times, "If you die tonight, are you prepared to leave everything behind?"

"All the laughter and and the cries, everything about who you are and who you could be****'t throw your other days away just because you feel bad on some of it. There might be bad days, but it doesn't mean it's a bad life." Leo gazes at the man beside him only to find out he's already asleep.

He smiles and sighs. He sure is going to miss this guy. "It's just one life, brother. Live a good one."

That must have been their last conversation.

That is his goodbye.