Past Obsessions

Chapter 3-Alice

As I awoke the next morning, the wind and rain whipped against my bedroom window. I groaned and rolled over, yanking the quilt up over my head. I didn’t want to wake up, much less get out of bed—I knew it was going to be cold.

“Just one day, one day I want to get up and it not be raining!” I grumbled to myself. Finally, I sat up, and the memory hit me—he was coming! I froze. Was I even ready? What would I wear? Would he want to kiss me? Hold me? Was I even ready? So many questions flooded my mind that I had to physically shake my head to push them away.

Slowly, I pulled back the quilt, and the cold air rushed to meet my skin, goosebumps quickly forming. I grumbled again about the winter months, I could hear the rain as it pounded against my window. I made my way to the window and drew back the curtains, letting daylight flood the room. The window revealed a street soaked with rain, with puddles pooling along the path. In typical British fashion, it was a miserable day.

"Not a reflection of my life at all," I muttered sarcastically before I made my way to the bathroom. Afterwards, I returned to my bedroom to collect my phone. I checked it, but there was nothing new—the last message, "I’ll see you tomorrow," was still our most recent interaction.

It was his style, he would leave me guessing, one of the things that, since we had stopped living together, drove me crazy. I knew part of it stemmed from Alex's complex nature; he was a complicated man, to say the least. We both had our issues, and that had been our undoing. I reflected for a moment before heading to my wardrobe to pick out an outfit. Pants and top? I thought for a moment, then shook my head. Skirt and blouse? Again, I was unsure before I saw it—a smile crossing my lips—a black dress, the very same I’d first met him in. It clung to my body, not hiding anything. I loved that dress, and today seemed the perfect excuse to wear it again. I pulled it on and smiled as I made my way back to the mirror in my hallway, ensuring not an inch was out of place. I looked good, and, more importantly, for the first time in over a week, I felt great.

I made my way to the kitchen, opting to get myself a drink and some fruit for breakfast. I ate quietly, watching the rain through my kitchen window as it fell, bouncing from the window. The wind howled as it forced itself through the gaps in the frame.

At least the heating had taken the chill out of the air. I smiled and then made my way to the front room. Once again, I stopped in front of the mirror. I wasn’t really sure why, perhaps just to remind myself that I really was a beautiful girl. Alex and Adam had both constantly reminded me of that. Entering the living room, I settled onto my sofa and picked up my book. As I began to read, a smile crossed my lips.

The book drew me in, a tale of dark love, of lovers who would find their path. Those were the stories I enjoyed the most—always longing for the kind of love portrayed in them. I had always yearned for a love where the other person was so obsessed with me that he would go to the ends of the earth to make me feel wanted. So many men had promised me so much, yet in the end, they all fell short and ultimately abandoned me. These feelings lay at the very heart of my insecurities, and I hated that.

I glanced out the window for a minute, then back at my book, before finally checking my phone. Still nothing. I had a couple of messages from family, but I had no wish to engage with anyone else just yet; I was still piecing my life back together. Everyone had been so sure of Adam and me, and I had been too, so sure I had made the right choice. At least until a few months in, when the cracks appeared and it went from bad to worse. I sighed softly, putting my phone down and returning my attention to my book. It was hard for me to focus as my mind became clouded with thoughts of Adam and me; I sighed softly. My body trembled as those emotions threatened to overwhelm me—the sadness and loss. No sooner had doubt and pain begun to bring me to tears than the reminder of Alex punched through, quick and clear—he was coming. Any moment now, I would see the man I thought I had driven away.

I had to wonder, though: when was he going to turn up? When would my phone light up to say he was on his way? I felt the panic rise in my chest now. I hated uncertainty, but he knew that. Yet, it also excited me. I wouldn’t know when he showed; I’d only be given instructions on what was next. That’s how we worked; that’s how we were most comfortable. I felt the excitement mix with the panic into a strange blend of euphoria.

He was coming; he had promised me long ago that no matter what, he’d be there. He would never abandon me; he would always be there to pick up the pieces. He’d wait forever if he had to. I never believed it; no man was capable of that kind of commitment. In the end, they all walked away, and I paid for it. I had been awful to him at times and ripped his heart out when I left to be with Adam. Technically, we were still together, and one day I just vanished from his life. I regretted that choice; he deserved to know why. He had tried to contact me, and I had torn into him, making sure he got the message that I was done and he had to stay away from me. I played every dirty card I knew. Just as he knew me in ways no one else ever would, I knew him just as intimately, in ways no one else ever had. As a result, I knew exactly which cards to play to drive the knife of betrayal so deep that I ensured he was wounded so badly that he did as I demanded and stayed away from me. My heart hammered violently in my chest at the raw emotion now; I had hurt him. Why would he ever come back? He was the man he promised to be, and I threw that away.

Alex was a lot of things, but his loyalty to me had been absolute. As odd as our relationship looked to the outside, as angry and upset as I got, Alex had remained at my side. He showed me compassion when no one else ever could. Alex had forgiven me for things I had no right to be forgiven for; he had always been who he said he was. I felt my stomach tighten; maybe this time he wouldn’t forgive me. If so, then what was I about to walk into?

I brushed the thought aside and looked back to my phone. Suddenly, the screen lit up, and my heart skipped a beat as I opened the message. 'I'm outside,' read the text. It was simple, but it froze me. Alex was here.