Past Obsessions

Chapter 4 - Alex

I was awake by 7 a.m., having already eaten breakfast, not something I normally did, yet today felt like I should. I looked at my phone, half my mind tempted to call things off. Again, the anger burned just underneath; I was still angry at the way she had chosen to tear me out of her life. I had to question if I really could forgive her this time. I had given her everything, and in the end, she left me with nothing but pieces of an already broken heart.

On the other hand I had made a promise, and to me, breaking that was unforgivable. It was at the very core of who I was, my need to prove I was exactly who I claimed to be, despite what others said or did to discredit me. So despite my issues, I had always tried to be a good man. And with her, I had always been the very best version of myself. I swore I’d be there when no one else was. She had been abandoned time and again, and I couldn’t be another. For her, I would walk through the fires of hell, even give my life to make that point.

I looked at my phone; it was 8:32 am, and I still wasn’t ready. I wasn’t going to text her, especially in my uncertain state. I knew how much she hated being ignored or experiencing a lack of communication. Those issues had come between us before and inevitably led to our breakup. Though to me, it wasn’t a breakup; it was a betrayal, and she was just gone from my life. But I also knew I didn’t want to imply this was more than it was. She would trust me to turn up, and I had faith things would figure themselves out from there.

I picked up my laptop and settled in to write for a while, my eyes on the screen and the story I’d been working on—a tale of love. I always wrote what I knew, and complex characters and compelling stories were my bread and butter. I was often told I was a good writer, but I never really believed it. Still, I wrote because I enjoyed it.

I lost myself in the words, and before I knew it, the story became a reflection of my own mind, of a wish so desperately needed. As I wrote, I started to wonder what Alice really wanted, or perhaps what I wanted. I sighed and set the laptop aside, my train of thought completely derailed now. I paused, then looked back to my laptop. The cursor blinked at the end of the last words, "You're mine." I closed my eyes and, for a moment, let the wave of emotion rip through me, it felt as if my insides were being twisted up. I swallowed hard and forced them down, my mind compelling myself to take control. I couldn’t collapse, not right now.

My eyes strayed to the clock. It read 11:27. I nodded to myself, then stood, walking to grab my jacket and head out to the car, a silver 4x4, something I was particularly proud of achieving—the freedom to drive, to go where I wished, when I wanted. That had always been a dream, but there had always been something in the way, whether it was raising children or past relationships, there had always been other priorities. However, in the last year, I had forced myself to finally follow through on that goal. The alarm beeped as I opened the door and climbed in, inserting the key into the ignition. The car roared to life. I pulled my phone from my jacket and set it on the stand, then connected its Bluetooth to the car's stereo. Instantly, the car filled with my chosen style of music, heavy rock. As the ballad played, I pulled up the GPS screen, first searching for a location I had long wanted to take Alice. After setting that, I cancelled out and inputted her address. The route was calculated, and I pulled out of the driveway.

I drove for some time, keeping my eyes on the road and my mind on the driving. Despite having passed my test not long ago, this was perhaps the longest journey I’d undertaken so far. Another reminder of the things I’d do for her, as my eyes caught sight of the fuel gauge, and my mind quickly did the math. I shrugged it off and pulled into the first garage I came across, parking beside the pump and sliding out of the car. I undid the fuel cap, placed the filler in, and carefully watched the display. I landed almost on my intended target and then headed into the garage to pay. Returning to the car and climbing back in, I resumed driving. As the time to destination ticked away, my mind began to turn over how things might turn out. She would be vulnerable and nervous, expecting me to appease that. My uncertainty stemmed from whether I could be the safety she needed right now, could I temper the anger and hurt and just be there for her.

I could fake it, but I never had before, why would I start now? My mind turned over things. There is no relationship, no dynamic, no expectation, "I told myself.” You just have to be yourself, that’s all she needs. Just Alex, nothing more, nothing less.

“Turn right to your destination,” the GPS interrupted my train of thought, my mind snapping back to the reality I was here. My heart hammered at my chest, every emotion erupting in my head at once as I pulled up, pulling the handbrake and turning off the engine. I took a deep breath, exhaling slowly as I counted to 5, pushing the errant emotions back down.

I opened the text app on my phone and simply input, ‘I’m outside’. After hitting send, I knew there was no going back. I flicked through the music screen on my phone, ensuring the old playlist was still there. In truth, I’d kept updating it even after we’d split. It kept part of her with me. I cleared the screen as I saw the door open. There she was, my heart seemingly stopped. She was still the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen, her hair dark, every curve, a soft smile as I noted the dress beneath her jacket. Only one dress ever flowed like that, and I knew it well. I could hear my heart as it thundered in my head, racing with a passion on she had ever stirred in me, watching her as she walked down the path before opening the door. In that moment I knew she’d frozen, knew every nagging doubt had exploded in her head, and right now she was a heartbeat from walking away.

My emotional walls slammed down, and I felt myself straighten. Upon seeing her just a few feet from me, I found it easy to settle back into having her close, but my head screamed at me to say something, ANYTHING.

“Are you gonna stand there all day so we both freeze to death? Or get your ass in the car,” I managed with a smile and oddly the same tone she knew so well, it was as if no time had passed, not that I thought I still had any control over her.