Past Obsessions

Chapter 1- Alice

It had been quite the year for me, Alice Carter. I had finally begun to find a way to make my world make sense. Even as my last relationship had fallen apart, I still had my thirst for life. I would survive; I could do it. I smiled as I packed away the shopping, having spent quite a bit. I hummed to the music on my smart device, dancing and giggling to myself.

I checked my phone, feeling a little twinge of disappointment. I had gotten so used to his texts, his messaging, that I felt the pang of heartache. He hadn’t turned out to be the man I’d wanted him to be. Still, everything was a lesson, and I chose to take it as that. Adam had been a lesson in what not to do when the head rules the heart. Things had been perfect until they weren’t. I had lost myself for a while until I finally saw what I’d become and decided I had to leave. It had been hard, but I had been taught never to settle for anything less than I deserved.

My mind wandered over a different set of memories. He had been exciting, a stranger the night we met, a whirlwind romance so passionate. My mind snapped back to reality.

“Let’s not go there, Alice,” I breathed.

I pushed away the thoughts and closed the cupboard, now walking to the fridge to put away the perishables and a few items into the freezer. For all intents and purposes, I was now ready to live my own life. My new flat was small but would serve my needs: a small kitchen, a sizeable front room, a decent bedroom, and a smaller but functional bathroom. It was located in the centre of town, providing easy access to any shops I might need, and it was close to where I had grown up, so at least it felt familiar.

I closed the fridge door, scooped up the dishes, and placed them in the sink, running the water before making myself a cool drink of juice and heading back to the front room. Again, I checked my phone, followed by that twinge of heartache.

As I made my way through the hall between the kitchen and living room, I stopped to stare at myself in the mirror. At just 23, with long dark hair and a figure that wasn’t skinny by any stretch, my larger-than-average breasts accentuated my curves. I knew I looked good; I had always had that confidence. I stared into my own hazel eyes for a moment before finally leaving the mirror and entering the living room. Grabbing the remote, I flicked to my usual channel.

I wasn’t really paying attention to the show. As much as I enjoyed it, I couldn’t quite focus, my gaze fixed on my phone. I opened the last text from Adam: ‘I’m sorry, can we talk?’ I had never answered him, instead choosing to block him, ensuring I couldn’t. I knew if we talked, he would have talked me round, changed his ways for a little while, and then gone right back to his natural way of being. He was a good man under it all, but life had been tough, and he simply wasn’t able to be the man I needed. He wasn’t growing with me, and I so desperately needed growth.

I sighed softly and put my phone down, instead picking up my book. I enjoyed the dark romance genre, the way I would get excited, and yet Adam had never really understood my passion for the characters I longed to meet. I read on as my mind tried to focus, but it kept wandering—not to Adam now, but to Alex, the man before. I swallowed down the memory quickly, trying to bury it almost as quickly as it had arisen. For me, the memories of Alex were dangerous—a whirlwind of intense love and passion so deep it had drowned me before I even knew how deep in I was.

I tried once again to focus on the book, its story depicting lovers at odds yet perfectly matched. They had a passion for one another that always won out; they were meant to be, the perfect match. The thought of it sent shivers down my spine, once again triggering memories of Alex. He was a man I barely knew when we first met, significantly older than me. Despite encountering me at my lowest, he brought out the best in me. Through my self-destructive moments, he remained steadfast by my side. We lived together for almost a year, until circumstances beyond our control separated us. As our connection waned, it became harder to communicate, and my struggles went unnoticed. Adam entered my life, filling the void left by Alex and eventually capturing my heart. Alex never forgave me for that; I had finally wounded him deeply enough, and then I had removed him from my life.

I sighed and put down the book, my eyes settling back on my phone. His number was still in there; I knew it by heart, but I couldn’t. I swallowed as I picked up my phone, looking at my contacts list. Alex had always been a contention between me and Adam. I wondered if he was jealous of Alex in some way. But I had tried to reassure him that he was the one I wanted; it just never seemed enough. Some days I had caught myself thinking about how Alex had always treated me as more than just eye candy. Adam was a good man, but he often grew angry with me for small things, frustrated as my life often ground to a halt, my depression crippling at times. In the end, I had grown tired of being treated less than equal in our relationship.

My eyes settled once more on the screen of my phone. Oddly, this is where I started, staring at my phone screen, feeling like I had lost everything of value. I sighed and opened the settings, looking for my blocked list. Right at the top was that familiar number. A man who had promised he’d always be there, and he had been, at least until I made it sure he couldn’t be. I unblocked the number and then simply sent ‘hi.’ All I could do was wait, my heart seemingly leapt into my throat with panic. I wanted to delete it, but as I went to do so, the ticks turned blue; he had seen it. It was too late.

I stared at the screen as it displayed the cursory ‘...’ indicating he was typing, but it periodically stopped, leaving me waiting in anticipation. Finally, the message appeared: ‘What do you want, Alice?’ I recognized that tone all too well and immediately regretted my decision to message him. With a deep breath, I replied, ‘I broke up with Adam...’ The ticks appeared again, followed by more dots. ‘What do you want me to say? I told you so?’ came the reply. I could feel his anger through his words. I knew Alex well enough to recognize the rage that burned just below the surface, but I had never known it to be directed at me.

ME: Alex... Please, I just... I’m sorry, forget it.

I replied in frustration. I couldn’t really say why I felt so frustrated; this was the response I expected, or maybe even deserved.

ALEX: I’m sorry, but it’s been a while, and you were very clear you want nothing to do with me.

I felt a twinge of guilt as I swallowed down the wave of emotion that threatened to overwhelm me.

ME: I know, I just didn’t know who else to turn to.

ALEX: So why me?

ME: Because you’re my safe place, the only one I can come to. Please, you promised?

He had always provided me with comfort; in his arms was the only place I ever truly felt at home, the only place I truly felt safe. In that moment of pain, all I wanted was to feel safe again.

ALEX: And when have I ever not meant it?

ME: Never, but you seem done with me, I can tell.

The pain in my chest was almost unbearable now; I had in the end wounded him deep enough for him to want to pull away. I had finally found a way to drive him away for good.

ALEX: You know that’s not true. I’m here, aren’t I? Just... I’m sorry things didn’t work out with Adam. You deserve better.

ME: I know, and you are here, but you made me a promise. Does it still stand?

I prayed in that moment for him to prove he was the man he had always promised to be, that he would indeed be there for me always and ultimately not the monster they said he was.

ALEX: I’ll see you tomorrow.