Mentally in love

Chapter five - You look familiar

Lesley's POV:

I will start school soon. It will be a good distraction, but it's not something I like. There are too many people there. It's not like I do something. I only go to my classes. During the other time, I am on my phone in the hall. Talking with fewer people is better. Now, it's not the time for me to socialize. I know my parents will like it, but I won't. Let's say that there are some things that I prefer to keep private. This means my whole life. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. Well, maybe if I find the right person, I will change my mind. My best friend was that person. Now he is gone. I have wondered if I can meet him when I do the same. It's not a lie that I have tried. I guess someone is not ready to let me go. It was three times, to be honest. My parents always found me. The last time, I ended up in a hospital. That was six months ago. I pretend to be good in front of them. I don't think they believe me. It's hard for me to be the person I used to be. Honestly, I don't know what went wrong. I was a happy kid. It's like something snapped out. Maybe Dean has felt the same way. I wish I could've done something to help him. It's not like he was talking much about himself. School is coming. That's why I better focus on that. Otherwise, I will think negatively again. I do this all the time. That's why it won't be something new. I can try to make friends this year, but I see this as a disaster. I don't think there is someone who can handle me. At least they won't understand why I do all of this. That is not easy to explain. Let's say it's a feeling that makes you act this way. It's not exactly this, but it's close. If I find someone like me, it will be better for us to understand each other. I hope one day I will get better and stop feeling this way.

Today is my first day of school. I don't know how I feel about this. It will be good to be around people, but sometimes, this is too much for me. I'm not sure if I can handle it. Well, I have to do it. There is no choice here. At least I don't do anything in particular. My job is to be present in all my classes. That's it. I'm not a cheerleader or part of any club. It's not like I will ever do that. I mean, not in my condition.

I woke up and checked the time on my phone. It was 7 am. I should get ready for the day. The thing is that I don't want to get up. If I don't do it, one of my parents will. I walked into the bathroom. Then I got dressed and made my bed. I spent some time thinking about the day. When I felt ready, I walked into the kitchen for breakfast. Food is the last thing on my mind, but my mom will make me eat. I better do it by myself.

- Good morning. How are you today? - my dad asked

- Good.

- You don't look happy.

- I'm still sleepy.

- Well, you have to wake up. Teachers will torture you today.

- I know. You don't have to remind me.

- Here you go. I want you to eat all of it. - my mom said

- I'll eat as much as I want.

- In your case, this means not eating at all. I won't permit that.

- Mom, I'm not a kid.

- Please, eat.

- Fine.

I ate half of it, and then I walked to school. I went to the principal's office to take my schedule. Well, his secretary is doing this job. After that, I walked to my locker. It was close to the one I had last year. I left my things there and took my phone. I started bringing wireless charges with me. When the bell started ringing, I walked to class. No one sits with me, which is good. I don't want to be around people. Soon, the teacher came with a boy.

- Hello, students. This is Leo. He will join us this year. You can sit next to Lesley.

What? Why? I don't want anyone near me. Well, there is no other free place in this room. Now, I wish someone had skipped the first day. No matter that this is a temporary solution. The boy sat next to me without saying anything. I gave him a quick look. He reminds me of someone, but I don't know who. Maybe I am imagining things. This is his first day here. It's not like I will talk with him.

On the lunch break, I walked into the hall. I won't eat anything. My appetite was gone a long time ago. Soon, Leo came. I swear he looks like someone. I can't figure it out. I can ask him, but I'm not sure this will help. Well, there is one way to find out.

- Hi.

- Oh, hey.

- Can I ask you something?

- Yes, sure.

- Have we met before?

- What?

- You look familiar. Maybe we have met somewhere.

- I don't think so. I have never seen you before.

- Are you sure?

- Hundred percent. I go out often. You probably have seen me outside.

- It can't be that. Going out is not something I like.

- I'm sorry, but I don't think we have met.

- Don't worry. I'm just curious.

- I'm going to eat. Will you come?

- No, thanks. I ate a lot for breakfast.

- Oh, ok. See you later. - Leo said and left

That was a lie, but he didn't need to know everything. Also, we just met. I won't tell my deepest secrets to a stranger. It's not like I have some. Let's say I don't like sharing that much. Later, I walked to my next class. Leo was there as well. There were other empty places. Well, he had to sit next to me. I don't mind that much, but I prefer to be alone. Well, I can't tell him to get up. It won't be polite. After all, he didn't do anything to me. I looked at him again. He looks like someone, but I don't know who. This is bugging me so much.

- Can you stop looking at me? It's creepy.

- I'm sorry. You are sure that we haven't met.

- I already told you. I haven't seen you before. Maybe you have.

- Ok, I'm sorry. It's bugging me a bit.

- Try to focus on something else. For example, on yourself.

- That is a terrible idea.

- Why?

- Personal reasons.

- If you say so.

Soon, the teacher came, and we stopped talking. I'm surprised that I spoke to him. Usually, I'm not that open. I will figure it out. He might haven't seen me, but probably I have. I don't see any other explanation. The teacher started talking about what we would do the whole year. Also, he mentioned the tests we'll have. I'm not excited about this. I was writing something, but I bet it has nothing to do with the lesson. Then I stopped and read it. I ripped off the page. No one should know this. After this class, I walked to my locker.

- Are you ok?

- Oh, hey. Leo, right?

- Yes, my name is Leo.

- We have the same letter.

- What do you mean?

- I'm Lesley.

- Oh, yeah. Cool.

- Do you like this school?

- It's not that bad. I didn't want to move, but my parents had another opinion.

- Did something happen?

- All I will say is that some rumors turned out to be true.

- I understand. I'm sure they did it for safety.

- The PE teacher was trying on boys and girls. - Leo said, whispering

- What? That is disgusting.

- I still think it's a stupid reason for them to move me here.

- What if it has happened to you?

- I will kick him and run away. Also, he got fired.

- One day, when you become a parent, you will understand. My parents do similar things. That's why I don't argue with them that often. I only tell them to leave me alone.

- Does it work?

- No. - I said, and he laughed

- Typical.

Leo and I talked for a while. He is a good company. I still won't speak with him outside of school. Later, we walked to our class. It looks like he never met me. I must have done it.

After my last class, I walked home. Miss Harris was at home. She is my mom's best friend. I'm glad they are so close. My parents work a lot. They need to spend some time with their friends. I guess my mom will work from home or have a free day. I walked into the kitchen and took an apple.

- Hi, miss Harris.

- Hey, Lesley. How are you today?

- I'm good, thanks. I see you are in a good mood.

- Well, I am with my best friend. - she said, chuckling

- Did you have lunch? - my mom asked

- Yes.

- What did you eat?

- Pizza.

- Only.

- Mom, I had lunch. That's enough.

- Ok, ok.

- I'll be in my room if you need me.

- I'll check on you later.

- You don't have to do it, but ok. - I said and left

As usual, I started with my homework. At least I will be focused on something else. The struggle comes when I start studying. I'm trying to remember what my book says, but there are other things in my mind. That affects my grades, of course. I keep my eyes on them, but nothing is working. I can't focus today. I pulled out my phone and started scrolling on social media. That only made it worse. Seeing these happy people makes me want to try another attempt. No, I can't do this now. I turned off everything and laid on the bed. I won't fall asleep, but I can try to make my mind rest for a while. After five minutes, I walked into the bathroom. I started using these painkillers too often, but I don't care. I need them to keep me throughout the day. Soon, I need to buy more of these. Dad once got a recipe from the doctor about them. That's what I use when I go to the pharmacy. Otherwise, they won't give it to me. No one knows who my father is. They don't ask questions. When I took them, I walked back to bed. Soon, there was a knock on the door, and miss Harris walked in.

- Hi, Lesley.

- Hey. Do you need something?

- No, I only wanted to see you. Your mom and I meet more often. How was your first day?

- Boring.

- Didn't you find friends?

- No, I don't have time for that.

- Why?

- I prefer to be alone.

- I understand. I will check on my son when I go home. It was his first day, too.

- Good. I don't think we have met.

- No, you haven't. He is always outside. I can see him only after dinner. When we come here, he always finds an excuse.

- It's ok. Maybe he doesn't want to see his mom's best friend.

- You think. I'm glad that he has some interests. I can't make him stay with me all the time.

- If he is happy and safe, you don't have to worry about anything else.

- True. What is going on with you?

- Nothing.

- Are you sure? You weren't that skinny the last time I saw you.

- I always have been like that.

- Lesley.

- It's true. You have a weak memory.

- I'm not that old. You can share with me if you have a problem.

- Thanks, but I'm good.

- Are you sure?

- Yes, I am.

Miss Harris and I talked for about an hour. Then she walked home. I don't know why she cares about me. She always has a kid. Also, I don't want to share my personal life with her. I don't even do it with my parents. Some things I prefer to keep only for myself. I understand that she cares, but there is no need for that. I want to deal with my problems alone. That way, it's safer for everyone. The only time I walked out of my room was for dinner. Eating became a struggle as well, especially when your parents are observing. Mostly, I mean my mom.

- Did something happen at school today? - my mom asked

- Not really. There is a new student in my class.

- Good. Is it a boy or a girl?

- A boy. Sadly, he had to sit next to me. There was no other free place.

- It looks like you had fun today. - my dad said, chuckling

- For sure, I did.

- What?

- There is something wrong with him.

- What do you mean?

- He said we had never met, but he looked familiar. It's like I have seen him before.

- Maybe you have from afar.

- It's not that. The feeling is as if I have known him for a long time.

- Did you ask?

- Multiple times.

- He probably doesn't remember.

- No, he was sure we hadn't met.

- Why do you think about this so much? - my mom asked

- Because it's bugging me out.

My parents and I talked about this the whole dinner. It's not like I expected them to help me. After all, they haven't seen this boy. That won't help, either. It will be better if I leave him alone. I don't want to bug the boy anymore. I walked into my room and played some music. There are many new songs, but I can't check all of them. Also, I'm not a fan of every type of music. Soon, my dad came in.

- Hey, what are you doing?

- Nothing. Do you want something? We talked at dinner.

- I know, but I like spending time with you.

- Good because I have nothing to tell you.

- Why don't you want to eat?

- Dad, please.

- We don't want you to get sick.

- I won't.

- Why are you so sure? Look at what you are doing. It's not healthy for you.

- If you want to read me a lecture, today is not the day.

- No, I don't.

- Good. You can leave now.

- You used to be close to us. What happened?

- I grew up.

- I don't think it's only that.

- Please.

- Ok, I won't ask anything.

- Thanks.

Dad stayed for a while. It's not like we talked. I don't want to tell my parents anything. They are already worried for me. I can't make things worse. After all, they have other things on their heads. I am the last thing they should care about. Well, both of them put family first. I should appreciate it, but I wish they hadn't paid so much attention to me. That way, I don't need to hide myself and everything I do. They are not illegal, but I know they won't like them. Somehow, I have to make them stop asking so many questions. I won't say anything. I hope that with time, I will find a way to get better.