Cruel Intentions

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“Briar…”

Hindi man lang ito umimik nang pumasok si Jianyu sa loob ng silid. Nanatili itong nakatingin sa labas ng bintana, tinatanaw ang makukulay at maliliwanag na kalsada ng Paradiso. Tila ba may hinahanap. May… hinihintay.

At alam niyang hindi siya iyon.

Nagpakawala siya ng malalim na buntong-hininga bago naglakad papalapit sa babae. Nakasuot na lamang ito ng manipis na bestidang pantulog at tila naghahanda na muli na mahimbing. Inilapat niya ang isang kamay niya sa braso nito at masuyo itong hinaplos. Hindi pa rin umiimik ang babae. Tila wala talagang balak na kausapin siya o tapunan man lang ng tingin.

“I’m sorry about what happened earlier,” pag-uumpisa niya. “I was just mad and jealous and… and I know. I know you still love your ex-boyfriend. Alam ko na nasusuka ka sa presensiya ko. Na nagagalit ka kasi ikinulong kita sa pagsasama na ‘to na alam ko namang hindi mo gusto. Patawad… sa lahat.”

“Alam mo naman pala, e,” mahinang saad nito. “Bakit ipinipilit mo pa rin, Jian? Hindi mo pa ba nakikita ang kakahinatnan natin? Sasaktan lang kita nang paulit-ulit. May iba akong mahal at hindi ikaw ‘yon. Get a damn hint.”

“But I… I still can prove myself to you, Briar! Liligawan kita nang paulit-ulit… Just give me a chance, Briar… At kung… Kung hindi mo talaga kaya na mahalin ako, sige, hahayaan kitang umalis. Bigyan mo lang ako ng pagkakataon, Briar… Please…”

She sighed before glancing at him. “Please, Jianyu. Just… just give up. Give up on me. Ayokong bagabagin ako ng konsensiya ko. Ayokong… ayokong gamitin ka o ng pamilya ko para lang mawala mga problema namin sa buhay.” Tumayo ito at tuluyan na siyang hinarap. “I know you are a good man, Jian. Pero huwag mo namang pagmukhaing tanga ang sarili mo. You have Paradiso and countless women wanting to warm your bed. I’m not one of them.”

“But you’re the only one that I want, Briar…” masuyong tugon niya bago hinaplos ang pisngi nito. Hindi man lang ito pumalag nang hagkan niya ito nang mariin sa labi. And even though she was alive, her lips felt cold and dead. Lifeless against his heart’s call. Halatang napipilitan lamang ito na hagkan siya at gawin ang mga responsibilidad nito bilang asawa niya. Alam niyang marami pa siyang dapat na patunayan kay Briar. At hindi niya alam kung saan siya mag-uumpisa. Kung ano ang uunahin niya o kung ano ang dapat niyang gawin. “You’re the only one that I want, Briar Victoria…”

Dinala siya nito sa kama. Habang inaayos ang kanyang sarili sa pagkakahiga ay hinubad naman ng kanyang asawa ang suot nitong damit. Hindi man lang ito nag-abala na hagkan siya o haplusin ang kanyang katawan. Tumuloy na ito sa kung saan patungo ang kanilang ginagawa. Hanggang sa kapwa nilang marating ang rurok. Their lovemaking was dry and… hostile. Like her feelings towards him. Like their marriage. Dry and lifeless and nothing but hostile. 

Nang umalis ito mula sa pagkakaibabaw sa kanya at tumuloy sa pagtulog ay hindi na napigilan ni Jian ang mga luhang kanina pa nais kumawala mula sa kanyang mga mata. He rarely showed his emotions. Being the king of Paradiso, he was looked up to by many of his subordinates, and most of the time he acted strong and just and kind.

But now, he could not even suppress the thought of killing Briar’s lover and forcing her to love him. All he wanted to feel was to be loved. Nothing more. But instead, all that he received was pain and guilt and nothing but him questioning his life and what was wrong with him.

Nang muling maramdaman ang paninikip ng kanyang dibdib ay binuksan niya ang drawer sa gilid ng kanyang higaan at kinuha ang maliit na pill cabinet na naroroon. It has been months since his last visit with his psychiatrist and he has not attended any of his therapy sessions for weeks now. He took out one white pill before popping it inside his mouth and reaching for the glass of water beside his bed. He tried to close his eyes and sleep but he could not. Jian ended up getting up and putting on a silk robe over his body, grabbed a roll of tobacco and stepped out of the room for a little bit. 

Nang makarating sa kanyang hardin ay sinindihan niya ang kanyang bitbit na tabako at isinubo iyon. Naupo sa isa sa mga marmol na upuan na naroroon at tumitig sa koi fish pond na puno ng mga koi na inaalagaan ni Feng. The swimming creatures brought a small ounce of joy to him before he noticed that there was somebody else in the garden, as if secretly keeping him company.

“Why are you still awake, Feng?”

“I should be asking you the same thing, Jianyu.”

Mahina siyang tumawa bago pinanood ang lalaki na maglakad papalapit sa fish pond at halihawin ang tubig. Nabulabog ang tahimik na pamamalagi ng mga isda roon dahilan para magsipulasan ang mga ito papalayo sa kamay ni Feng. “Stop bothering the fishes, Feng.”

“And you should stop looking like a dweeb, Jianyu,” seryosong saad nito. Tumayo ito at naupo sa kanyang tabi. “I saw everything earlier. And to be frank, you looked like a loser. You should stop pursuing things that  don't want to be pursued by you. You are Jianyu Lee, after all! That young master of Paradiso who was always looked up to by many people, especially us, your subordinates.”

“It’s easier said than done, Feng,” he said. “When love hits you hard, you’ll understand where I’m coming from.”

“I just don’t understand your obsession, Jian,” saad nito. “It’s becoming unhealthy. You stopped seeking therapy. You can’t even sleep properly, for f*ck’s sake! I just don’t want anything bad happening to you, man.”

Nahilot niya ang kanyang sentido bago humithit muli sa tabako na kanyang hawak. Feng has all the right to get worried for him. He has a traumatic childhood growing up without any adult figures around except for the Chens, his nearest relative. But aside from them, nobody was there to teach him and support him. He has always been alone, which could have been the reason why he loathed social gatherings and was extremely introverted. He has been taking antidepressants since he was thirteen and was still requiring therapy. Even Feng knew how bad his breakdowns could get. Or how hard it was for him to speak to other people. 

But Briar helped him. A lot. Even though it seemed like she could not remember him anymore.

“Hindi niya lang ako naaalala, Feng. Alam kong kapag naalala niya ako, magiging madali na rin para sa kanya na magustuhan ako pabalik,” depensa niya. “I can take care of myself, but as long as she doesn’t remember me, I’m not going to stop.”

Feng sighed. “Jian, that was five years ago. Briar Mendez was just seventeen. And besides, you only met her for like, two weeks. Sa dami ng mga naging kaklase ng kapatid niya, imposibleng natatandaan niya pa ‘yong pangako niya sa ‘yo. You did not even finish your s**t in that business school and disappeared after two weeks of classes. Hindi ka na nga natatandaan ng kapatid niya na naging kaklase mo, si Briar pa kaya?”

He had a point. It was impossible for her to remember. After all…

Bahagya siyang napangiti nang maalala ang unang beses na nagkita sila. Noong kinausap siya nito. He thought she was an angel. For him, she still was.