One Of the Best Things

"Bury the past by writing it down. " "Feelings fade but memories don't." ﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏ We're now happy. Cheers to us who grew and matured. I never regretted meeting you. -Rea Napatingin ako sayo nang tumawa ka. Your laugh made my heart jumped and I felt my cheeks burned. Bakit ganun? Ang gwapo mo lalo tingnan kung masaya ka. Napatingin ka sakin at ngumiti. Nagsasalita ka pero nakatuon ang atensyon ko sa iyong ngiti at sa nagniningning mong mga mata. You asked me, "nakikinig ka ba?" I laughed and nodded. Kahit na medyo na distract ako sa'yo ay nakinig pa rin naman ako. Kaunti. Umiling ka at ginulo ang aking buhok. Napasimangot ako habang inayos agad ito. "Puwede kang mang-asar pero walang pakialaman ng buhok!" Ngunit tumawa ka lang. Simple lang ang moment na yun but it was lovely. Just you and I, talking while our heart beats in sync. Everything was perfect. I smiled bitterly when I saw a glimpse of our past when I stared at the coffee shop across the street. I shook my head and continued to walk. Huminga ako nang malalim habang tumitingin sa paligid. Medyo matagal na simula nung huling lumabas ako nang mag-isa. Madalas kasi kasama ko ang mga kaibigan ko para maglibang. Alam kong yun ang paraan nila para pagaanin ang loob ko which works pero naroon pa rin ang bigat sa aking dibdib tuwing gabi. Everyone thought that I'm fine now. But honestly, I'm not. I can see their concerns pero napapanatag sila sa aking mga ngiti at pagtawa. I already coped up in their eyes but I'm still struggling from the inside. Sabagay, diyan naman ako magaling. Ang itago ang totoong damdamin kahit nasasaktan na. I just don't want to talk about my emotions or my dramas in life. Feeling ko kasi nakakahassle pag ganun. May problema na nga sila dadagdag pa ako. Napatigil ako sa paglalakad at umupo sa isang bench na nasa sidewalk. Pinagmasdan ko ang mga sasakyan na dumadaan sa lansangan pati na rin ang mga taong naglalakad at nilalampasan ang bench na kinauupuan ko. I feel light headed while my chest feels heavy. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito ang aking nararamdaman. Am I hurting? Am I sad? I honestly don't know. I sighed and smiled slightly. Ang boring ng pagpasyal ko. All I wanted was fresh air kaya lumabas ako but I ended up being bored and awkward. Sighing, I reached for my phone on my pocket and scrolled on my feed. Ililibang ko na lang muna ang sarili ko sa pagbasa ng kung ano ano sa social media. Tinatamad pa kong umuwi. Might stay here for awhile. Habang nagtitingin sa social media feeds, ni isang post walang nakakuha ng attention ko. I think it was a mistake of going out alone. Wala naman akong ginagawa dito other than roaming around and watching the city light up as the sky is getting darker. Napatigil ako sa pag scroll nang may nabasa ako na talagang nakuha ang atensyon at ng nararamdaman ko. My mother once told me: "Every time you forgive him, he will love you a little more, but you will stop loving him, so the day he loves you the most you will not feel anything for him anymore." My lips quivered while smiling bitterly. This hit me hard. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang kaniyang side but this quote really speaks about my situation. Hindi ko alam kung nasanay ba siya or napanatag ang kaniyang loob dahil after all those problems, I was still there by his side. I usually don't break promises. I'm true to my words most of the times but what had happened between us provoked me to break my promises. I told him that I'll never leave him. I told him that I'll never find another partner. I told him that I'll stay on his side for the rest of our lives. Pero ni isa hindi ko iyon matutupad pa. It's been months. How are you today? Are you coping up well? I really wanted to ask you that but I'm afraid that I might hurt you if I'm going to talk to you so I let you be. Up until now, my guilt still haunts me. Bakit ko ginawa yon when you're suffering that time? I was torn. Should I stay and help you recover before leaving you?  Should I just leave para isang bagsakan nalang ang lahat? or should I not and just stay with you. But I picked the second option. I chose to hurt you while you're facing your demons. I don't know if I made the right choice of leaving you. 'Cause up until now I'm still thinking about you. At first, I'm confused because I thought that I'm still in love with you. I keep thinking about you and your health, if how are you doing, and if you are slowly moving on. But as time goes by, I know that my love for you already faded months before I broke up with you. I mean, I still love you. But it's not the same as before. I just care like how people care on strangers when they know that you are feeling down or like how friends feel when they are worried. Gusto kong matawa sa naisip ko pero walang lakas ang bibig ko na gumalaw. Tayo kasi yung fit sa saying na pinagtagpo ngunit hindi tinadhana. Reminiscing about the past, I realized how much I grew being insecure and being severely sad while we were still together. I'm the type of person who's still try to be positive no matter how hard the situation is but what you did made me weak. No, I'm not blaming you for what I have become but because of our situation, I became a different person. I know you didn't want to hurt me intentionally. We were so young back then when we started our fairy tale. We made stupid decisions in life.  Every night before, I keep on thinking if there's something wrong with me. Am I too young for you? Am I lacking something and my best does not meet your expectation? Have I ever crossed your mind when you were not able to contact me on those nights? Have you ever thought about me who's missing you a lot while you were having fun? Even though you made mistakes I still forgave you and gave you chances because I don't want to waste our relationship.  And because that I love you. Honestly, what I felt for you before was very new to me. It was deep and hard to forget. I moved on already, but I still talk about you to my friends sometimes. Sabi nga nila, If we deeply care for that person, kahit ilang taon na ang nakalipas, kahit naka move on ka na, you will always think about them because your heart still remembers the pain and the happiness that you felt with them. I smiled again and bowed my head. Hindi ko talaga maiwasan na isipin ka minsan. You really left a deep scar in me. Napabuntong hininga ako at umiling. Parang walang patutunguhan ang pag gala ko nang mag isa. Uuwi na nga lang ako. Tumayo ako at naglakad pabalik sa aking apartment. Walking distance lang naman kung kaya ay may time pa ako para mag muni muni. Bago dumiretso sa apartment building ko, naisipian kong dumaan muna sa convenient store para bumili ng makakain. Pagkatapos kong bayaran ang aking mga nabili, aalis na sana ako kaso nakita kitang pumasok sa store. We both stopped and stared at each other for a moment. It's been a while since the last time that I saw you. I noticed that your hair grew longer that it almost covered your eyes and some whiskers on your face that I barely even noticed. You smiled and broke the silence between us. "Rea, hey." I smiled and looked down. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. Should I talk to you now? Medyo uncomfortable ako na makipag usap sayo. I was the one who ended our relationship tapos makikipag usap ka sakin na para bang walang nangyari. "Hey." I greeted back. Lumapit ka ng kaunti kung kaya ay medyo nanlamig ako. "Is it okay if we talk for a while?" You asked me. Hindi ako nakasagot agad. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to know what's happening in your life now. I wanted to know if you're okay. This is our first  interaction after few months of not contacting each other. I closed my eyes and sighed. Bahala na. Siguro okay ka na ngayon dahil kinakausap mo na ko. Tumingin ako sayo at tumango. "Sure." Umupo ako sa isang empty table na nasa loob ng convenient store habang hinihintay kang bumili ng makakain. Yung ice cream na dapat sana ay kakainin ko sa apartment ay kinain ko na lamang habang naghihintay. Mahirap na at baka matunaw 'to. Umupo ka sa aking harapan pagkatapos mong makapag bayad. Nakaupo lang tayo habang tahimik na kumakain. Ang awkward. Hindi ko alam kung magsasalita ba ako or ano. Napatingin ako sayo nang tumikhim ka. "So, how's life?" Seryoso yung tanong mo pero hindi ko mapigilang ngumiti. Ewan ko ba, parang natatawa ako. Hindi naman tayo gumaganito. Yung masyadong seryoso at pormal. "Hala grabe, seryoso mo ah?" Biro ko na ikinangiti mo. Umiling ka at natawa nang mahina. "Tina try ko lang naman maging seryoso. Effective ba?" Nakangiti mong tanong. Napailing na lamang ako. Hindi ko alam pero nakakagaan sa feeling. It feels like we were back from what we used to be. Yung puro tawanan, usapang walang patutunguhan, at ang asaran. Siguro ganito tayo para maiwasan na maging awkward. Ayokong maging hadlang ang namagitan satin para mag usap nang maayos. If I'll keep thinking about the past, ma-awkward at ma-uncomfortable lang ako. "Para kang tanga." Napasimangot ka sa komento ko. Umakto ka na para bang nasasaktan ka sabay hawak sa dibdib mo. I saw happiness in your eyes. Hindi iyon sobra but it's like, a sense of relief and being free. Dahil ba nagkausap na ba tayo? "Aray ko, ha! Nag break lang tayo s*****a ka na." Medyo nag tense ako 'cause you brought the topic but it seems like you're okay with it. Parang ang casual mo lang sinabi yon. Tinaasan kita ng kilay bago sumagot, "hindi ko kasalanan na tanga ka magsalita." You acted like you were extremely hurt. Dalawang kamay mo na ang nakapatong sa dibdib mo while having this fake pained expression on your face. "Ang bully mo, midget! Bakit ka ganito sa'kin?" Natawa ako and I stuck my tongue out. Napailing ka na lamang at natawa na lang din. Pangiti ngiti ako habang kumakain ng ice cream. Nagsimula kang buksan ang binili mong Nova at kumain. Namayani ang katahimikan sa atin habang kumakain. It wasn't awkward— well, a little bit pero nananaig ang kapayapaan. "So." Napatingin ako sayo nang magsalita ka. You covered your mouth with your hand while chewing. Tinapos mo muna ang pag kain mo bago tumuloy. "Kamusta ka na?" You asked. Natigilan ako sandali at napa iwas ng tingin. Tila na blanko ang aking isip dahil sa iyong tanong. It wasn't a hard question pero nahirapan ako na sumagot. Hindi ako sanay na mag seryoso kung kaya ay sumagot ako nang pabiro. "Okay lang naman. Humihinga pa rin." Nangingiti kong sagot at kumuha ng pagkain sa inoffer mong junk food. Napangiti ka at natawang nagsalita. "Gago. Seryoso kasi." "Ay, sorry sorry." Pinigilan ko ang aking sarili na tumawa. Nakagat ko ang aking labi to prevent myself from laugh but the smile on my face won't go away. Tumikhim ako para i compose ang sarili. "Ayon, okay lang naman. Same thing same thing. Natutulog, kumakain, pumapasok." Tumango ka sa aking sagot. Nawala na ang playful aura na nakabalot sa ating paligid at napalitan ito ng pagiging seryoso. "Ikaw, Lee. Kamusta?" It was my turn to ask the question. I was relieved when I finally asked the question that I was dying to ask. He drank from the bottle of his softdrink before answering. "I'm fine. College stresses the hell out of me." Tumango ako at kumuha ng chips. "Yup. College is hell." I agreed, "pero ikaw kaunting suffer na lang graduate ka na." Napasimangot ako at ngumuya. "Ang daya." Ngumisi ka at napailing. You took a sip from your drink before looking at me. I imagined our first interaction after break up would be awkward. Naiisip ko rin na baka hindi na tayo mag uusap dahil sa nangyari. But look at us now. Laughing and joking around. "Malapit na birthday mo diba?" You asked. Napatango ako at nagpatuloy sa pag kain. "Tatanda ka na. Mag t-twenty one ka na sa March." Napakunot ako ng nuo dahil sa sinabi mo. Grabe, sa tagal ng pinagsamahan natin hindi mo pala alam kung ilang taon na ko? "Anog twenty one? Mag t-twenty palang ako! Grabe ka. Kinalimutan mo na agad?! Nakakasakit ka ha!" Pag dadrama ko. Napatingin ka naman sakin na para bang hindi makapaniwala. "Seryoso?! Nineteen ka palang pala?" Gulat mong tanong. "Oo kaya! Grabe. Wala lang ba sayo yung pinagsamahan natin?!" Natawa ka at nanghingi ng sorry. Napailing na lamang ako habang pinipigilan na tumawa. "Tanda mo na talaga. Nakalimutan mo na yung age ko." Pang-aasar ko. Umikot naman ang iyong mga mata ngunit may ngiti pa rin sa mga labi. "Oo na, oo na. Ako na matanda." "Kailangan mo na ng Memory Plus Gold, Par." "Grabe! Ang bully mo na talaga ngayon. Ano bang ginawa kong masama?" Pag dadrama mo habang pinipilit na maging seryoso ngunit hindi mo pa rin napipiglang ngumiti. "Ewan ko nga sayo." Napailing na lang ako habang nakangiti. We stared at each other while smiling. Parang nakikiliti ang aking kalamnan at tumataba ang aking puso dahil sa simpleng usapan natin. Hindi ko maikakaila na masaya ako dahil kasama kita. Everything seems, okay. We laugh and joke around like good old friends. I'm happy. Both of us didn't talked or didn't open up the past. It's like we had a silent agreement that we should never ever bring it up and would rather treat each other like friends. Inabot pa tayo ng ilang oras sa kwentuhan. Marami rami rin tayong napag usapan bago napag desisyunan na umuwi. You insisted na ihatid pa ko sa apartment pero pinigilan na kita. Pero siyempre hindi ka magpapatalo kaya sa huli nagtagumpay ka na ihatid ako sa aking tinutuluyan. Lumingon ako sayo at tumigil sa paglalakad at ganun ka rin. "Dito na ko. Salamat sa paghatid. Ingat ka." Pagpapaalam ko. You smiled while keeping both of your hands in your pocket. "Gabi na rin kasi baka mapano ka." Tumango ako at umatras nang kaunti. I waved my hand to say good bye. "Sige." "Sige." I turned around to walk towards the apartment building while you walked on the opposite way. Habang naglalakad ako papasok sa building, hindi ko maiwasan na maging masaya at makaramdam ng kaginhawaan. Yung nararamdaman kong mabigat for the past months ay nawala nang parang bula. Guess a simple conversation could erase it, huh? I felt guilty for these past few months. Feel ko ang sama sama ko dahil sa ginawa kong pag iwan sa'yo. We were both facing our own demons and I decided to face mine on my own instead of facing our demons together. Nakaramdam ako ng guilt dahil sa ginawa ko but at the same time I thought that it was the right decision to make.  Look at us now. We both grew into a better person.  We took a lot of damage that only self love could heal. I'm happy, you're happy and that's what matters the most. This is what I've been waiting for. The conversation and the clarification.  Since now that I knew that you're doing okay, I guess I can finally say that I can totally let go now. Let go of the guilt that I've been feeling and the what ifs that I've been thinking. Someday, we will find the right person that's truly meant for us or maybe, we already found them. You were one of the best things that happened to me and I wish you all the best, Harlee.