I'm Sorry but I Love You

Chapter 3: in the end, it was me

Nyx POV

Missing someone is a part of moving on. But sometimes it was just the memories that you've missed, and not with the person you are with in those memories. And I must say that I missed both. The memories as well as the person.

I miss you Erebus, I hope you were doing fine. Did you miss me too? I hope you do.

It has been a month since I came back from London. I never heard about him. I miss him so much.. I missed my bestfriend, I missed my beloved Erebus Wayne Gonzales. I know it is not right to think of another man while you have your boyfriend, but my dumb mind and this damn stupid heart keeps on remembering him. Well he's not just a nobody. He's my one and only boy bestfriend whom I've fallen inlove with. He will never be nobody. Never

"I'm sorry Eros, I know you love me that much. I also love you but I know in my self that I still love Erebus, I still love him after all these years." I mumbled. It's funny how I can think of another man when I should have not think of in the first place.

I love you Eros, I really do. But I always love him and nothing in this world could ever change that. He is someone irreplaceable, and no one in this world and in this lifetime could take his place. Let's just say that, I could love someone else but how I love him, the way i love him would still remain at the deepest depth of my heart, right there at the chamber of my aorta, or my ventricle maybe, I don't know if left or right. Or even in the aortic valve. And I hope you could understand that.

"Hey babe, let's go" Eros said while giving a hand. It was so considerate of him to let me pay a visit with the one I dearly love. Even if I could hurt him, he still want me to visit my beloved bestfriend. Well he understands that no matter what happened Erebus was still one of those I treasured the most, same as I treasure him in my life.

"Are you sure that it's okay with you?" I asked.

He just smiled while nodding his head. Aww, how sweet of him. He never failed to understand me. That's what makes him the person I want to keep for the rest of my life. I would love to keep kim in my arms forever, if forever does exist. And I intend to keep him no matter what.

"He's your bestfriend after all, and I'm sure you missed him so much, so why would I deprive you from meeting him? Also I would like to thank him for taking good care of you back then, for I've got my queen now in my arms" he said smiling genuinely.

How his words melt my heart. I may still love my beloved Erebus but I cant deny the fact that Eros could take my breath away. If it was like in a fairytale, Erebus was my knight and my prince, I'm his princess but I am someone else's queen and my king was Eros.

___

We reached at Erebus' place. It was gloomy, this place used to be lively before but why do it appear like this? It looks like nobody keeps it alive. I dunno why.

Why do I feel bad about it? Is there something wrong? Is there a thing that happened which I didn't know. Of course there is, you left remember? Well in the first place I lost contact with him. No more of I don't want to contact him first.

Eros held my hand as we walk. I don't know what was happening but I felt a stab in my chest. I am hurting, and I don't know why. Why am I in pain? Something's not right here. I knocked the door thrice and after few seconds someone opened it. There I saw Erebus' mom with a faint smile painted in her lips.

"Uhm, tita can I know where's Erebus?" I asked her out of curiosity. Though there's something in me shaking in nervousness of some things I can't bear to explain.

She just looked away, and went to a room. When she came back, she holds a box in her hands.

Huh? What with that box anyway? Ughh I could never really get her.

"He went to a very far place. And hes not coming back anymor. He will never be back again. Ever" she said with a glimpse of hate and anger in her eyes while looking at me and then Eros.

Huh? What was she talking about? It was not so Erebus way not coming back home. He always wanted to go home. So why?

"Just go home, I'm tired" she said while gesturing us to go out. Err I know we were not that close but does she really have to send me out. That's ughhh. She's really impossible.

I sighed in annoyance. There i thought i could see him after more than two years yet no trace of Erebus was there in their house. We just left the place with disappointment painted on our faces.

What happened to you Erebus? Where are you? I missed so damn much. I want to see you. But where the f*ck are you? Where on Earth did you hide?

I groaned in annoyance and hopelessness. I just wanted to see him after everything, after a long time but why do fate seems to be not on my side?

___

It was seven in the evening when I woke up and I remembered the box i have in my possession.

After our visit in Erebus house, we head back to my apartment and Eros went home afterwards. I was tired from our trip so I've got to gather some sleep upon reaching home.

Eros already left I mean he left right after sending me home for he has some emergency at home and I was all alone.

I decided to open the box that Erebus' mom gave to me. I was trembling as I saw what's inside it. I don't even know why I am feeling this way when it was just letter and our pictures together. The first letter was classy and elegant just like those letters I appreciate the most. And the pictures, those were the moments we have together, all those trips we've gone while we were still in high school.

I look again at the letter, it was like it has been carefully taken care of, like a mural carefully painted or a sculpture carefully engrave. I opened it and read. But what the letters content broke me into million pieces.

My heart shattered, crushed and been finely grounded with what I've read. Tears keep falling to my cheeks and I cant stop them from falling from my eyes.

"To the one and only girl who made me heart gone wild, makes me like a crazy i***t, to my one and only girl bestfriend" those were the words carefully written in calligraphy.

"Hi Nyx

If you are reading this, maybe I am not here anymore. I just want to say sorry for rejecting you, I know I have hurt you, I know how fragile you are yet I choose to break you apart. Believe me I don't want to break your heart but I have to. I really have to.

Few months ago I've met an accident, thankfully I survived. I thought I would be okay after that, but fate maybe was not really on our side. The doctor said I suffered from a major concussion and only have few months left.

That day when you confessed, I was so happy because the one I love also loves me. That my love for you was not a one-sided love, not an unrequited love at all. But then I remembered that I only have few months left so I choose to hurt you. I hurt you so bad and it hurts me too. I am not that selfish to tie you up with me, and left you miserably when I die. I can't let you live your life that way, to be alone, crying and miserable the moment I am not on Earth anymore, so I chose to hurt us both.

The moment our lips touched makes me want to be selfish, I just wanted to hold you in my arms forever, wanted to marry you right away and build our own family like how I used to imagine before. But I can't bear to watch you from afar hurting knowing that I am the reason of those tears. I don't want it to happen for a long period of time. I am supposed to be the one who will dry your tears, to paint a smile on your lips and make you laugh freely. Not to make you cry. Not to be the one who would be the reason of those pain and sadness. And not to be the one who would put you in agony. But I've got no choice left but to hurt you so bad. It really hurts seeing you cry because of the pain I've caused, it's killing me. God knows how much I wanted to dry those tears I caused but I need to stop myself before I could be selfish.

Nyx, I love you but I have to let you go. I don't want you to suffer too much. You are my princess and you will always be my princess. I am your prince and your knight as well but I am not your king. I will never be your king. You are my princess but you are someone else's queen. Always be happy please, always wear the smile that indicates how happy you are. Promise me to live your life with someone you would love, someone who can be your king. I love you and I'm sorry because we can't be together. We've found love in an imperfect place and time. Just like those love in dramas that was true yet it was never meant. It was like we found the love with the right person yet in a wrong time. In our next lives I still want to be your bestfriend, I will still love you and maybe in that time we could be together. Goodbye Nyx, and I hope the time let our hearts meet again.

Love your one and only boy bestfriend,

Erebus. "

Ps: I'm sorry for hurting you but I love you, I really do.

Tears keep streaming, it never stop falling a like a waterfall. But unlike those waterfalls that was so beautiful to watch, mine was full of pain and sadness and it would be very painful to watch.

That night I cried and cried until no tears left to fall on my cheeks.

You are so unfair. Why didn't you tell me? Why do you have to hurt me even if you know you are also hurting yourself? Why? Why do it has to be like this? Why do we have to be like this? Do we deserve this kind of pain? Am I really a bad girl to be punished this bad?

I cried even more. Why do we have to end up like this? It hurts when you love each other yet you can't be together. It hurts when you choose to hurt me, let me think that you just see me as a friend instead of being selfish and telling me how much you love me. It hurts when you have to suffer from the pain alone instead of letting me to be by your side and fight together.

It hurts when I realized that in the end, even in your near death situation, you still choose to save me from further emotional damage. You still choose to save my future tears for you, still see me as your one and only princess that needs to be taken care of. A princess that needs someone to be with her until the end of time.

Until the end, it was still me that you always think of. It was always my welfare, and my feelings that you set first. Till the end of your life it was still me.