I'm Sorry but I Love You

Chapter 4: his heart

Nyx POV

They say love can be selfless or selfish. Will you be a selfless lover, or would you be a selfish one?

Looks like Erebus belongs to the selfless lover. Then I am maybe between the selfless and the selfish.

"Hey babe, are you okay?" Eros asked me. He immediately get there after I called him about what I've found out. I don't know what to say. I was still hurt by that mindblowing fact. The fact that Erebus is already dead.

I can't accept it. I still can't, and I don't want to. Maybe he was just out there having a vacation in a very far place. Yeah I am in denial stage. I just cant accept it.

Eros just pulled me for a hug.. He already knew about the letter. He knows that I need someone to cry on, I was totally hurt, hurt by the fact that my one and only boy bestfriend, my first love, my prince, my knight in shining armour was gone and never coming back again.

"Hush now babe" he said while wiping my tears away gently.

"wanna go somewhere? Let's throw all those pains away" he said with a slight smile painted on his lips. There my boyfriend was there to be my pillow, my handkerchief to cry on. He was just there with me holding my hand while giving me strength.

___

"Babe, you've got a scar in your chest?" I asked Eros while looking at his big scar on the left chest.

We're here at my place enjoying some quality time together for we're going to be very busy the next day. He's actually topless because he just got stains in his white shirt after a little of spaghetti sauce was spilled because of my clumsiness. I chuckled with that. Never in my life I imagined to have this kind of experience with Eros.

"Uhm, yeah" he replied while putting his extra shirt on.

"How did you get such a big scar? Does it hurt?" I asked

I was curious of it. It was like a scar from a surgery. A Surgery?? What? Oh come on, did he just had a heart transplant? I was clouded with my own thoughts.

"I've undergo a heart transplant two years ago" he said

He had what?? I was horrified. How could he tell me, he still love if ever the heart he has now was not his? I was still shocked. He continued

"I have a weak heart. When I feel to much pain, it will affect my hearts condition. Two years ago, I met a guy in the hospital where I have my check up. It was the time when you were suffering from rejection, and that time I was visiting you right after my check up for a little inspiration perhaps" he sighed. I was shocked big time. I was too busy of myself that time that i never noticed him being weak. Oh boy, looks like I have been so self-centered all this time that I didn't even notice him being in so much pain also.

"He looks fine actually. When we had a little talk while waiting for appointment, he asked me why I was in that hospital. I told him about my heart's condition, and still looking for a heart donor because I still want to live, because I know you need someone to cry on, some ears to listen.. " he paused. Seeing him about to cry makes me melt. I want to hug him and comfort him, because that is what he need at this moment. A shoulder to cry on.

"He told me that he had a Traumatic Brain Injury and his chances of living was very low. We've talk a lot actually. He shared that he loves someone yet he rejected her because of his condition. He didn't want her to suffer and live her life a living hell because of him"

I was stunned. Shocked. It was somehow familiar.

Is it just me, or it was really familiar? It sounds same as what Erebus told me in that letter.

"Thankfully we've found a donor. The day before my heart transplant, I saw him smiling at me. Wishing me goodluck. The operation went well. The day I woke up I was expecting him to visit me since he said he would like to see me well with my new heart. But he didn't show up. So I get up of my bed and go to his room when he was diagnosed. But the room was empty. There were no traces of him anymore. I go to the information desk and ask where he is"

he was already crying as of the moment while saying those, maybe he really treat that guy as his friend. He won't be hurt this much if he didn't. He was so soft and gentle, and he treasures every person in his life. Just like how he treasured me so much.

"The nurse said he was already dead the day before my operation. I didn't know that the day we had our conversation before I had my heart transplant was the last. The nurse just gave me a piece of folded paper, she said it was from the patient and said that when a guy as tall and as handsome as him would ask his whereabouts, just give him the letter. So she handed me a letter from him" he cried hard. I wish I didn't ask if he would just cry like this. It hurts me seeing him in pain.

I should have not ask him in the first place if only I knew it would bring him this excruciating pain. It hurts me seeing him this vulnerable. It breaks my heart when he was in this kind of pain.

"I didn't know that he actually was my heart donor. In that letter he said to take care of his heart, and be free to continue loving the person I love the most, I felt guilty, I feel like I was the one who killed him" he said while continue crying hard.

"Shhh, it's not your fault. He was the one who offered you his heart. Just take care of it" I said while hugging him and caressing his back until he calm down a bit. Oh boy, this man beside me was as soft as those cushion and as gentle as the wind, he don't deserve this kind of pain.

"Who was this hero by the way?" I asked after the moment when he calm down. I was curious of the man who saved him. Though I wonder why Eros love for me didn't even change a bit, well maybe it was true that it was in his hypothalamus after all. Maybe the love was stored in his hypothalamus and send the message to his heart, his new heart that he loves me.

"Wayne, Wayne Gonzales" I was stunned. I froze with what he just said. Wayne?? I have this gut feeling that it was my beloved bestfriend.

"Why?" he asked me curiously.

I ran to my room and pick our picture I mean my picture with Erebus. I just want to confirm if the Wayne Gonzales hes talking about was my Erebus Wayne Gonzales or not. Eros didn't get to see Erebus in person, not even in pictures. He just know that I love my bestfriend way back then.

"Is he that guy, the Wayne you're talking about?" I asked him as I go back to where he is while showing him the picture of Erebus. I was nervous. I don't know what's wrong with me but I want some answer. Because there's a possibility that it was Erebus. He look shocked. Oh no.. no it cant be. No please. But then he confirmed it.

"Yes. Why do you have that" and that's it. His answer broke me. I cried. I cried hard, I felt the world flipped and bump unto me.

"H-Hey Nyx babe"

"He is Erebus. My bestfriend"

"E-re-bus? H-He was Erebus, b-but he told me his name is Wayne"

"His complete name was Erebus Wayne Gonzales" and now we were both in tears.

How could you be so selfless Erebus? You did not just saved me but Eros as well.

I just found out that I already lost my bestfriend back then, just few weeks ago and now Eros lost him too. My dear Erebus was the donor of Eros. We lost someone who became a great part of our life. It was not just me who lost him, Eros did lost him too.

I am broke with the fact that Erebus is gone, and now Eros as well was broke upon knowing the fact the his friend Wayne was my bestfriend Erebus. And now we were both broke.

"Nyx I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I also don't want him to be dead. But it was too late because when I woke up from my surgery, I was surprised that he actually was my donor. I swear I didn't know" he said with guilt expression visible in his face, guilt that he was never responsible for in the first place. I just cried hard. I was devastated by how fate played with us, but i don't want to blame Eros. Knowing Erebus he would rather choose the person he treasure to be safe rather than him, he wont mind being at risk as long as the ones he love were safe.

"I'm sorry" he keeps on apologizing. I hold his hands firmly yet gently and turn his face unto me.

"Shhh, it's not your fault. You also don't want it to happen. You treasured him as your friend" I said while crying. Yep I was hurt but I am not the only person in pain right now because he, Eros also is.

"But I was the reason why he died" guilt was still in him. I shook my head.

No babe, it will never be your fault

"Nope, he has a major Traumatic Brain Injury, and his chances of living was low, so he decided to give his heart to someone who need it. You did not kill him, he willingly offered his heart" i replied to tell him that it was not his fault after all. Will never be his fault.

____

We are now at the back of Erebus place were he was burried, at his tomb, yeah he was there at his lawn. Good thing his mom was not around We lit up candles and offered him flowers. We did thank him for everything. I didn't know that Erebus did not just save me from further emotional damage but also save my boyfriend's life. I may have lost him physically but his heart was still alive continue loving me with someone who also loves me the way he do.

"Did he knew that I was the one you're talking about?" I asked out of nowhere

"Yup. I showed him your picture. Hmm that maybe explains why his face soften while looking at the picture" so Erebus knew all along.

"You're not jealous right?" I asked him then chuckled afterwards. Eros was not that kind of guy, he's a softie after all.

"Nope, not with the one who originally owns my heart. Not with my hero and even in the next life, still I wouldn't. And maybe if that time comes, I want to be the one who would do the sacrifice" I smiled. As I expected, he was a very rational thinker, though his rationale always stuns me.

Looks like I've found the man who could not just love me with all of him but with a great heart and strong rationale as well. He always thin first before he acts, think twice before he speaks. But what captures me the most is how great his heart is, how soft and gentle he is as always.

Erebus and I may not have end up together, but I've got Eros, the one who has his heart. I love you Erebus and I'm not sorry for loving you, I love Eros but you have his heart. I've got the two person whom I love the most. I've got Eros who has the heart of my beloved bestfriend Erebus.

Fate may have played our lives very well but what matters is what and who remains and stay in our life. We may have lost someone we treasured in our life yet we still have each other, and what's what matters.