Takip Silip

ix. Pumapangsiyam

One foot in the fairy tale and the other in the abyss. She thought she finally found a place for her kahit papaano. She's lost, again. But, she's not wandering anymore. This time, Aurora was a damsel in distress and Elli was her princess charming that come to save her from her misery. Elli took her home to her apartment without exhanging words. Giving her the space she needed. Hindi na siya pumalag. She was scared to go to home sa unit. Susundan ulit siya ng Kuya nito.

Aurora was zone out all time.

Elli apartment was plain, or minimalist. Black and white ang furniture. And neat. Kaunting dumi ay makikita agad. The apartment really says something about Elli. Blanko. Same as Aurora's feelings right now.

Umupo siya sa sofa. Pumasok si Elli sa kwarto and came back with a pair of clothes. "Palit ka muna, o kung gusto mo na." at nilapag niya sa tabi nito. She was probably guilty dahil sa pananalita nito sa kanya sa pantry. To be honest, Aurora was just sensitive that time. But she won't take it back, Elli doesn't have to say how messed up she is.

She turned on the TV, inilagay ito sa netflix, and turned off the lights. Pumunta ito ng kusina at bumalik na may baso. "Coffee?" like the first time they met. Aurora doesn't want to talk but looked directly to her eyes, saying thank you. Nilapag ito ni Elli sa table. "Welcome."

Hindi ininom ni Aurora ang kape and just stared at it. Para siyang nasusuka. Elli is choosing a movie to watch.

Maraming tumatakbo sa isip niya yet silence. She doesn't know what's the right words to say, what's the right emotions to feel, it's just.... blank. Empty. So. Empty.

And Elli knows everything about emptiness.

She looked at Elli blankly looking at the TV screen na parang ito ang pinaka nakakaburyong ginawa niya sa buhay niya. Aurora forgot about her madness, her agony, because she felt too much that it drained her into nothing. How can someone who doesn't feel anything can write a book? How can she find the right words to say? She read a snippet that she made, a tragedy romance. It was full of emotions. Lahat ng linya, dama niya. May pinaghuhugutan. But when she asked about it Elli shrugs her head. She doesn't know where it can from. She just write kung ano mang lumabas sa kanya. 

"How does it feel?" Umikot sa buong sala ang malamig na boses ni Aurora. Elli looked at her, confused. "Make me feel things." She wants to forget. She wants to remember everything. She doesn't know what she's saying. She doesn't feel anything.

How can she find a right words to say? Everything is so wrong.

She doesn't know who to blame anymore; where to go. Hinahabol siya kahit saan. Baka siya na ang may problema. Baka habulin talaga siya ng kamalasan. Baka hindi talaga siya nararapat magpahinga, lumigaya. She was made to be miserable. To feel the bitter sweet life. She couldn't get away from it.

Grabe naman. Bakit naman gano'n?

"What things?" She knows what Aurora's talking about. She's asking for assurance kung tama ba narinig niya.

How does it feel to be at ease? The butterflies in the stomach they are talking about, the sparks when eyes meets. Kahit crush pala hindi nagkaroon si Aurora. Yes, she admired a lot of faces pero hindi siya nakaramdam ng kiliti. Hindi umaabot sa dibdib niya. She only felt them in her art, when people admire her. The fire in her heart. Pero hindi niya alam kung ayun ba talaga 'yun? Passion really makes a person stop feeling at peace. Ang sabi ng kilala niyang artists, ang kapalit ng paggawa ng magandang sining ay kapayapaan ng pag-iisip. 

Aurora seems to know a lot about loneliness.

She didn't answer Elli. Ininom niya ang kape na inihanda para sa kanya. She's staring at the TV, the morning news.

Her body turned into ice when Elli fixed her hair. Nagulat siya. Napakapit ng mahigpit sa baso.

What. What now? Wait. What?

She didn't dare to look at her. She was scared knowing what could happen. It's just a simple move but it gives her tension, a tension between them. Urging her to want more, to feel her skin. 

How does it feel? She want to know what feelings she could get. Is it new? No. This is nothing new.

"Make love to me." Elli said. Hindi nagulat si Aurora. How foolish of her to say that. She always say a lot of expected things. Is it possible to make love to someone you don't even like or feel a thing? Does Aurora know how? Do Elli?

Is it worth a try?

Do Aurora care? No.

She looked at her eyes, Elli knows she agrees.

Maybe it's how Aurora know where to touch and how she can make a body react. But this is different. She tried it to be different. Elli wants love? She aimed to please. Now that her cup is empty, she can pour anything to it. Serving another drink only made for Elli.

Aurora was just looking directly to her eyes, letting the dark consume it. It's not the eyes she commonly wear, it's black but a lot to say. Is this love? She just let her body be free, kahit ngayon lang. And Elli was participating. She let her do whatever she wants. Surrendering. Now, Aurora just have to make her beg. Or not. She wants to make her drink enough for her to be satisfied. Like it's perfectly fits for her and her only.

"Anong ginagawa mo?" Hesitating yet wanting it. She knows what she's doing but still asking.

"Whatever you want."

Aurora legs was between hers. Their knees are a lot closer. Making a tension between them. She was touching her face, caressing it, like a child. Studying how soft it is, like a lover. And she never ever look at someone directly to their eyes. Her eyes were all closed. No matter how near they are.

Elli eyes are round. Confused, and overwhelmed. Lost in hers. An almond. Aurora is making a world for her. Another door. Another dimension. A special place for her. Warmth.

Don't you want this? This is what she have always been asking. To feel things. So, Aurora is doing it. For her to tell the world.