FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT
921 Words
“FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT”
Yan pinaniniwalaan ko to. I was someone who's actually hard to be with. Definitely someone who's weird and a bit shady. I grew up with jealôusy stucked in my mind and I was someone who's always scolded during childhood. And that came to a point that I became a total loner or fine, let's say lôser. I want to play with other children but then I won't because "they may not like me" or "I will just force myself in, they don't actually want me there" or "I don't belong".
I'm stucked with the thought that no one likes me, I am not a likeable person. It resulted to lôw self-esteem. Very lôw self-esteem, I thought that time that I am just a dirt walking with people who are shining in my eyes. Di ko makita sarili kong ganda, kahit anong gawin ko noon ang dating sa akin, "wala lang naman ako, eh". I want to do this, I want to do that. But the courage, habang tumatagal nawawala. And those times, I kept on convincing myself not to gîve-up. Bawal kasi, may pangarap pa ko, eh.
This was I think Grade 7. I was in the comfort room, I told God to tâke me, cause I can't déal with everything anymore. But then I was like, "Joke lang po, wag muna. May pangarap pa 'o, tutuparin ko muna." So when people are actually looking down on my dreams, telling me it's impossible and so on, I can't help but to feel so down. This is my reason to stay. One of the biggest reason I have. No matter how childlike I looked like then, I grew up on my mind. Nung tumanda na ko ng konti, I kept saying sorry for myself. I kept saying sorry for the things that I didn't do even if I want to because I'm scared.
I denied those words like "dêpréssiön" and "ânxîêty" back then. Iniisip ko di naman ako doktor para i-label yung sarili ko ng kung ano mang conditions meron ako. I was 'lost' and I was always left alone. Sa isip ko habang tumatagal, 'they can be happy without me'. Pero don't get the wrong idea, umiiwas lang ako noon or titingin na lang from afar but I'm not sûícídâl. I never hurt myself either. Back then, I don't even tell my friends of deeper reasons why I was sometimes too silent. I don't have a way out back then. It's just to cry.
And then, pandemic came. I made some friends, some people made me realize that I can actually feel that kind of feeling I was longing all along and that is to feel that 'I belong' and I don't have to force myself in. Pero di rin nagtagal, ayon nawala rin. And nawala rin si Lola. And maraming nagbago, may mga taong nawala. Those 'rest' days and 'happy' seasons I was waiting for dati, I don't know if it will ever be the same again. Yon yung pahinga ko, eh tapos unti-unti it was fading away. Di ako makatulog nung taon na yon, I was awake for almost the whole year. I kept myself busy, I tried whatever I can try. Lahat na, lahat ng hindi ko nagawa na sana ginawa ko na noon pa. Para lang makatulog at wag na mag-isip, ayon yung siratuktok na sumayaw, kumanta, nag-rap, nagsulat, nag-drawing, umarte.
All in one na, kumuha ng comissions, trabaho, aral, kung anu-anong kalokohan pinaggagawa. Everything everywhere all at once nga. May nagaaway at nagsisigawan na, pero ayon, si gâgâ sayaw, kanta pa sa gilid. And honestly, that time na tinanong ako kung di ako napapagod, for once gusto ko sabihin na 'pagôd na pagôd na rin ako' at hindi pa rin ako makatulog, it made me think na 'hindi ko ba deserve yung pahinga?' I was just there, crying and crying. Active sa harap ng iba, iyak pag mag-isa. It was turning me crazy.
I grew up in an environment na maingay, magulo, palaging away. I was a loner, I was always left alone, and I was so insecure with everything. Gulung-gulo rin ako pero I held on to that thought na oo nga baka nga bumagsak ako, baka nga pagtawanan lang ako, baka bumalik lang sa dati. Pero pwede rin namang 'baka kayanin ko, baka kailangan ko lang maghintay ng kaunti pa, baka may para sa akin rin'.
And that time, I can't count the times I was rejected and laughed at. Despite everything, wala pa rin.
Pero may pangarap ako, andito pa pamilya ko, eh. Kahit sabay-sabay na nagkasakit sila, akala ko mawawala na sila sa akin that time. Grabe yung dasal ko noon, and you know what? God listened to my prayers.
Unti-unti naayos naman. Minsan walang pera, pero may nakakain naman. Minsan di nagkakaintindihan pero naaayos naman. Para sa akin sapat na yon. Masaya na ko don basta kumpleto.
All throughout, I was always convincing myself that it will be fine, everything will be fine. I am fine...
At dahil hindi ko sinukuan, heto ako ngayon. Wala pa ko don sa gusto ko pero kahit papaano naranasan ko yung, 'belong ako', 'kaya ko', 'may magagawa ako' at 'may gagawin ako.'
I learn to trust in Him, believe in Him because He is all the love and hope there is in this world.
Hindi ko man makita minsan yung bituin sa langit, alam ko namang nandon sila, natatakpan lang ng makakapal na ulap.
ILYA
2022
*Confidential
- Writer
