Hate Me Not

Chapter 19 The past

Jacko

"Kuya, kung makakagaan sayo pwede mong sabihin sa akin ang lahat. Mas maganda kung may mapagsabihan ka ng iyong naramdaman” Saad niya sa malumanay na boses. Nanantiya kasi kilala na niya ko, madali akong sumabog kapag na trigger ang galit, ang nakaraan ko.

I look at her, bakas ang sinsiridad sa mukha. We are still in the park sitting in one of empty bench.

Yeah why not, i will tell her para maintindihan niya kung bakit ganun na lang ang galit ko sa aking ama. I will share her my past.

“When dad abandons us, i experience hardship at a very young age. I carry the responsibility na di dapat pa sa akin. I stop schooling kasi walang wala na kami, pati pagkain wala na. I work in the market, odd jobs just to have food in the table. That’s fine kinaya ko naman."

"But when mom got sick because of depression, hindi niya kinaya ang pag-alis ni dad. Dun ako napilitan i-accept ang trabaho na di ko dapat pinasok sa umpisa palang. Alam ko na kapahamakan ang hatid nun sa akin but i had no choice that time. I am in between wanting my mom to live or let her die. I got involved with drugs, deliver boy ako, in short drug pusher."

I saw how her face reacted from what i said. Di siguro niya inakala that i am doing that before.

"Through that work i survived mom’s medication and hospitalization pero muntik akong mamatay dahil dun, i got stab. I know nong pinasok ko ang mundo ng illegal na gawain di na ako makaalis dun. The only way to get out is to die.

"Di ka ba naglakas loob na magsumbong sa authority Kuya kasi minor ka pa lang para makaalis ka sa kanila?" Tanong niya na nagpapangiti sa akin. She doesn't have any idea how cruel the world is.

"It doesn't work like that Cadley. May connection sila sa loob and they will kill you right away or anybody close to you." I can see kung paano siya natakot, it's visible in her face.

"Dahil matagal akong nagserbisyo kay Boss Rex, pinagkatiwaaan niya ako, ginawang kanang kamay. Ilang beses na niyang tini-test ang loyalty ko pero di ako nasilaw sa pera kasi alam ko kapag tatraydurin ko siya mas malaki ang gulo, kamatayan ko ang kapalit."

"Because of my new position, i have people who do the job for me. I am more safer and i earn much. Pero kailanman di ko maipagmalaki yun, maliit ang tingin ko sa aking sarili kasi ako ang sumisira ng buhay ng iba. Kumikita nga ako malaki pero bininta ko naman ang kaluluwa ko kay satanas. Di maganda sa pakiramdam."

"Boss Rex introduces me to Portelles, the big boss. He likes my performance kaya dinala niya ako sa ibang bansa para sa malakihang operation. Saka ko nalaman na di pala siya basta basta na tao, maraming kapit, a dangerous man to cross with"

Di lang siya drug lord Pilipinas but the Lord of underground world in latin America at Mapia leader sa Europa. That’s when i knew na mas delikado pala ang pinasukan ko.

"When i was in Columbia, i was trained to be a fighter in underground fighting para sa mga mayayamang gambler. Do or die kami dun, our life is always at risk. If i win, i got the pack money, my rank elevated at mas mataas ang patong sa aking ulo."

"The end goal in most fighter is to win para mabuhay and have a chance to be free. Because when you lose it means death, one fighter can't be considered as winner as long as opponent is still breathing."

"Ganun sila kasama Kuya?" Tumango ako. I can feel she into my story coz she is shaking.

"Yeah Cadley, that's how animal they are. Every fight is tormenting, di mo alam kung hanggang kailan ka lang mabubuhay. Its more heartbreaking coz you know your opponent is just trying to survive. They don't want to be there, they're just a victim as well."

"That’s when i meet Adric, same kami ng kinalalagyan. Sabay kaming nagtraining, sabay kaming nangarap na one day makakaalis din kami sa empernong yun. For years di kami nakakita ng araw. We are jailed in the underground."

Mas lalong siyang namamangha sa sinabi ko. She wouldn't believe maybe that Adric is living like that too. I can't help to remember my time with Adric.

“Bud, if one day i will be able to escape here, I’ll take you with me;” sabi ni Adric one time.

I am just 18 years old by then, Adric was older than me for 3 years. I know his story and i knew his vendetta towards Portelles. He wants to kills him at pagbayarin sa pagpatay ng kanyang mga magulang. Pero wala pa siyang sapat na kakayahan. Through him I learn who is Portelles.

“Bud, ipagdasal na lang natin di magcross ang landas natin sa arena. Na di nila tayo ipaglaban sa isa’t isa kasi you have become my brother. Masakit sa akin na makalaban ang kapatid ko sa dito.” Wika pa niya while we are currently preparing for our fight sa kabilang grupo.

“If ever Adric time will come that we fight against each other in the arena. Kill me, you have a reason to survive for the justice of your family but me, i have none Adric. Wag mo akong isipin, di ako magtatanim ng galit sayo.” Sagot ko sa kanya, with our situation here na di kami itinuring na tao, money ang tingin ng bawat client sa amin.

I want to tell him na di ko siya lalabanan, over the years staying here, he becomes my brother, an older brother who protected me. He is the one who trained me in different ways of fighting, mas nauna siya sa akin.

It was possible na ipaglaban kami one day coz Adric is rank top 1 in his category at ako dun sa akin and we belong to one group, kalaban namin ang ibang grupo.

“No we will survived and we will get out from here together.” Promise pa niya. He is really optimistic na makakalaya one day have his justice.

Good thing di dumating ang time na kinatatakutan namin kasi we were promoted to become an assassin sa mga tao na kumalaban ni Portelles, nag traydor sa negosyo, mga taong gusto niyang alisin sa landas at ang iba mga inosinti.

Gusto man namin tumiwalag sa organization at aalis kasi nasa labas na kami pero di namin magawa. Hawak ni Portelles lahat, kahit saan kami magtago patay kami kay mas pinili namin mag stay. Secretly planning our revenge, gather our resources para one day kami mismo ang tatapos sa kahayupan ng taong yun.

“Adric, kasama mo ako sa laban sa taong yun, sabihin mo lang kung ano ang plano at kailan.” One time sabi ko sa kanya nong nakita ko ang mga plano niya.

Sa aming grupo we have silent agreement na we will turn against Portelles kasi di basta basta ang pinagdaanan namin sa kamay niya. But we are careful kasi di namin alam kung may magtatraydor sa amin in the name of money.

Sa pagiging assassin, we also do kill innocent people kaya yun ang nagpapahina sa akin. Tinatalo ako ng aking damdamin.

We stayed in that lifestyle for years, our main goal is maging malakas pa ang grupo namin para kami na mismo ang papatay kay Porteles, pipilayan namin ang grupo niya pagdating ng panahon. Adric was able to escape but we knew the plan.

Until dumating ang time na bumagsak si Porteless pero di namin napatay. That’s when the time we are able to escape, gamit ng perang naipon ko i studied again in the US at nagtayo ng negosyo. Adric help us all buong grupo. Siya ang leader namin.

Then we manage na magbagong buhay. Pero Porteles is still hunting on us di lang masyadong makagalaw kasi ang lakas niya di na pareho ng dati.

"Last bagbakan is when tuluyan na siyang napatay ni Adric si Portles, just 3 years ago pero tauhan ko nalang ang pinadala ko to him the group. I intend na magbagong buhay na. I will never go back to that stage."

"I able to live in clean slate now pero bakas parin ang pagging masama ko. I am a criminal once upon a time. At di na yun mabubura pa kahit kailanman. " All i could see a sympathy in her face.

"I never dream to have a family coz i don’t feel i deserve to have one. Ako ang sumisira ng pamilya dati at ang buhay ng maraming kabataan. I felt guilty of some crimes that spreading nowadays."

"Kuya di mo naman kasalanan ang nangyari, biktima ka lang din ng pagkakataon. At ngayon nagbago ka na."

"You can never run from the past Cadley. Those days are hunting me at night." Paintindi ko sa kanya. I can't forget those time, dala dala ko siya sa aking pagkatao.

"That’s why my business now is related to security. I want to provide good security sa lahat. I have an agency who combat illegal drugs na pumapasok sa bansa. Good investigation team para sa mga taong di na nakakuha ng justice for a long time. I provide scholarship to those kids na di makapag-aral dahil sa kahirapan. Kahit man lang diyan mabawasan ang naging kasalanan ko nong kabataan ko pa."

I look at her in the eye. She is just there listening to all my story and i know she is affected coz i saw some marks of tears in her eyes.

"Now tell me Cadley kung di ba ako dapat magalit sa ama ko? Kung di niya kami iniwan noon, i will never experience those traumatic event in my life. Kung nagpakaama lang sana siya, I will have a normal childhood, live and dream like everybody does. No baggage that i keep in my heart.

It's not easy to live in life na hinahabol ka ng past mo. Memories of those event hunt me still. I tried to live in pain at hatred para maibsan lang ang sakit. Di ko mapigilang mapaluha upon remembering my past.

Cadley just hugs, in silent she makes me feel she was just there for me. The one i needed in this moment.

All my life i felt alone, kahit si mama di ko maramdaman noon. Now she is with me, i feel lighter. I can say her presence help me a lot, di man siya nagsasalita but her actions shows.