I Was Lost

Chapter 7

It's nearing midnight and I don't have any idea where we are. All I know is that it's a small park. Well, because of the swings and stuff.

Naka-upo kami ngayon sa isang bench. Nakaharap sa dagat,sa tabi ng isang lamppost. Isang dipa ang layo namin sa isa't-isa. Sitting at both ends of the small bench.

It's getting colder by the second and no one wants to break the silence. The soft waves is the only thing you can hear together with the insects under the pale moonlight reflecting off the sea.

Well, you can also the hear the deep sighing coming from the man on my left. It's like he's keeping himself from exploding.

Gusto ko nang umuwi. Pero anong gagawin ko. I was dragged here without even anything with me. I don't even know where we are now. It's been a long time since I've been here and I don't like to pay attention to these kinds of places, so yeah, I'm stuck until this guy, takes action.

Time is ticking... And still, nothing's happening.

Tumayo ako at tiningnan siya.

" You want us to talk, right? What do you want to talk about?" I'm still not ready for this kind of stuff. But, this is what he wants, right? Then, I'm giving it to him.

Tinitigan lang niya ako tapos tumingin sa upuan. Telling me to sit down.

My eyes moved from him to the bench, then I decided to sit down again.

" Bakit ka umalis?" His voice was low and shivering. It's like he forced himself to speak.

Nakatingin na siya sakin ngayon.

" Ano? Bakit ka sabi umalis?" Tumaas na 'yung boses niya. His breath was heaving. Fists balled. Forehead in a knott. And eyes that are dark. Hindi ka rin galit, ano?

I want to beat the s**t out of this man. You're the one who shut me out, remember!

I exhaled deeply. Calming myself.

"None of your business."

Lumingon ako sa kabila. Kasalanan mo rin naman, ah! Why do I sound like I was the only one guilty?

" Umalis ka ng walang paalam!"

What the heck! It did sound like it's my fault! Anong nangyayari?

" Teka lang, ba't parang kasalanan ko?"

Nakatayo na ako ngayon. Nakapameywang sa harapan niya.

" At hindi ba?" He scoffed.

Napahawak ako sa sintido dahil sa inasta niya.

" Ano bang ginawa ko?"

I asked in a low voice. We need to do this calmly or else we won't be achieving anything here!

" Umalis ka nga!"

" Hindi ka man lang nagpaalam! Hindi mo man lang inisip ang mararamdaman ng iiwan mo! You are always thinking about yourself! You never wondered how others would feel when you left without a trace! How I would feel!"

Disbelief was written in my face.

" W-well—"

" You are selfish!"

I snapped. I slapped him. Why? Because of pain. Frustration. Anger.

Him! Of all people.

" I'm selfish... Maybe I was. Maybe I am. But that decision... I decided it for myself, yeah, that's true." I said while nodding.

" You know why?" Tears are starting to fall from my eyes. He wants to know? He will!

" Do you know why!"

Why can't I do this calmly?

" It was for me! For me to find myself! For me to love myself! For me to realize! What. I. Did!"

" That love? I lost myself because I believed I was inlove! Dumating na sa puntong it became an obsession. I can only see him and no one else! I didn't even notice I've hurt people. So you say, I'm selfish? Well , I am!"

He was looking at me, wide-eyed. His hand attempted to touch my face but I stepped backward. We'll end this here, now.

"Louise."

Don't Louise me now! Call me Rae! I'm Rae, right?

" You're asking me why I left? Ng walang paalam?" I laughed bitterly.

" Sinubukan mo bang tanungin ang sarili mo?"

Kumunot ang noo niya. Mukhang hindi niya nga alam. O nagpapanggap na walang alam?

" I called you! Tinawagan kita!"

I am not calm!

" I was devastated! Depressed! I was eaten by guilt! Naghahanap ako ng taong iintindi... Someone who can make me understand... tell me, if I was wrong!"

I can't stop. I won't stop now. Now that I've started.

" I almost went insane—"

" Ba't ka magkakaganon! I saw you Louise—"

"Don't call me that." I cut him off.

Umiling siya.

" I saw you. You were smiling, you were even laughing. So, how can you say that you're not fine."

" Not everything you see is real Jin. I thought you knew that." I scoffed.

" You, of all people, knew that."

"Now, is it my fault? That I left? Without saying goodbye?"

He held my hand using both of his hands and covered his face with it.

" You could've gone to me. You know where I live. You could've—"

"You think I haven't thought of that?"

Napatingala siya sa akin.

" I went to your unit. But guess what I found? Kelly."

"What—" I didn't let him speak. He wants my explanation, right. Wait for your turn.

" She was wearing your shirt."

I looked at the dark sky sprinkled with pieces of diamonds. I'm not even finished yet but, why does it feel so light yet heavy at the same time.

" She told me you don't want anything to do with me."

Tinitigan ko na siya ngayon. Hindi ko alam kung nakikinig ba siya o hindi. Nakatingin lang siya sakin, na para bang ako ang pinakamagandang bagay sa mundo. The way he looked at me before.

" She told me you're done with me. That you regret loving me."

Back then, I cried so hard. 'Cause the man, I only then realized I love, is done with me. Thinking back, I really was blinded by that ideal love, that I can't seem to notice the pure love in front me. Nang matauhan ako, it was already out of my hold.

" That's why, I never tried reaching you again, and just... Left."

Bumuka ang bibig niya. But then, decided to stay silent.

" Ngayong alam mo na, puwede na ba akong umuwi?"

Umiling siya

"No."

"No, no, no."

He pulled me. I just found myself wrapped under his arms. His head buried on my neck.

" I told you a lot of times, that I love you, right? That I will always be here for you? Why did you doubt that?"

His voice was soft, soothing. Ang boses na kinaiinisan ko. But, looking back, I never really hated it. I hated the feeling I always feel whenever he use that tone on me. Dahil alam ko, kung ano 'yun, yet I always tried to conceal it.

" You can't blame me. I thought you were tired... Of me... And I understood, 'cause who wouldn't be?

Napapagod ang tao. May hihinto, may magpapatuloy. Pero hindi mo alam kung sino.

" Are you okay?"

I smiled with his words. Noon, hindi ko kayang sagutin 'yun, ngayon.

I was lost, yes. I lost myself because of love, now?

Caressing his hair. I replied.

"I'm well."