Last of May

I’d always wondered what would become of us when we die. A wandering soul? Set of bones? Collection of vague memories from every people we met? Once a being with now an imminent oblivion? Death had always been an enigma to me. From how it transpired, why it had to happen and what comes after. I had this friend. And out of all his folly and weirdness, I always remembered him fondly smiling and laughing at the stupidest thing. Being impulsive and doing whatever he wanted at the moment—no matter how crazy and foolish it may seem. For me, he was a human manifestation of passion and dreams, someone who could push my emotions at its extremes. A ball of sunshine full of life until I held him in my arms—lifeless. I lost this friend. The way you thought you knew all the edges and the corners of a maze but still end up lost in it. The way you thought you figured everything out until you found yourself lost in the midst of nothing; asking yourself what went wrong. The pain of losing him was unspeakable, yet I refused to remember him with the bad memories but with the good ones we had. He was a madcap, comical person you don't get to meet every day. And this is how I'll always remember him: like a dream—ephemeral yet remarkable for having some surreal parts. * * * Lumakas ang buhos ng ulan pagkababa ko ng bus. I carried my snap sack with my clothes and essentials inside, as well as my tote bag full of books, closer as I dashed in the nearest shelter I could find. Pinagpag ko ang ilang butil ng ulan sa damit bago nayakap ang sarili sa ginaw, dala nang nagdaang malakas na hangin. Agad kong tsinek ang mga libro sa loob ng dalang totebag kung nabasa ba ang mga iyon. I sighed with relief as I marked them safe from the rain. Kinuha ko ang phone sa bulsa at tinawagan si Allen para tanungin kung on the way na siya. As I waited for my brother to answer, my sight wandered around in reflex and inadvertently caught sight of someone I think I recognized. My forehead was creasing a bit as I squinted my eyes and tried to peer from across the street, despite the downpour. Kasabay nang muling pag-ihip nang malakas na hangin at panandaliang pagkakahawi nang marahas na buhos ng ulan sa pagitan namin ay lumingon ito sa akin. Hindi ko inasahan ang tila kung anong bombang nalaglag sa dibdib ko, matapos mapakurap nang ilang ulit. Wala sa sarili akong napaatras mula sa kinatatayuang silong ng shed. Mabilis at hindi mapirming sinuyod ng paningin ko ang paligid matapos. Tanging basang kalsadang nilalamon ng ulan, kasama na nang nasasalit na pagdaan ng ilang sasakyan ang sumalubong sa akin. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa strap nang dalang mga bag bago dahan-dahan muling nagbaling pabalik ng tingin sa pigurang nakita. And when our eyes met again despite the pouring rain, I held my breath. Time seemed to halt. Every drops of the rain and passing vehicles between us went slow. In that single frame of time, everything that mattered suddenly lost all its significance. Because I was sure then who it was. No matter how many years had gone by, I couldn't be mistaken. It was that same pair of eyes as I remembered them. It was his eyes. It was him. I felt another chill ran down my spine but this time, it wasn't because of the harsh wind. Fumbling as I put my phone down to dial another number, my hand was trembling while putting it back on my ear. "s**t," I mumbled to myself when I saw the familiar figure still standing from across the street. Nanatili itong nakatingin sa direksyon ko at hindi gumagalaw. My heart pounded erratically and my panic was growing. Wala sa sarili akong naglakad paalis sa silong ng waiting shed, hindi alintana ang pagkakabasa ng ulan, tanging pagtakas lamang ang nasa isip—kung bakit, hindi ko alam. Hanggang sa wakas ay marinig ko ang boses sa kabilang linya. "Hello? You home yet?" "Leo!" My voice came out shaky and agitated. I couldn’t name the overwhelming emotions attacking me and I was in no shape to control it. "Leo, I think I saw him—no, I saw him!" "Saw who? You okay? Where are you?" He sounded alarmed from the other line. Wala sa sarili kong nasapo ang nanginginig na mga labi habang patuloy na tinatahak ang daan, 'di alam kung saan tutungo. "It's him." My trembling voice broke. "I'm sure it's him!" "Okay, Rai, calm down. Nasaan ka? Are you at the bus stop? Where's Allen?" sunod-sunod niyang tanong. My head was in haywire and I couldn't make sense of anything. Ni hindi ko alam kung nasa gilid pa ba ako ng kalsada o nasa gitna niyon o nasa mundong hindi ko alam na nag-e-exist. I mean, how is it possible to see someone who passed away years ago? Were my eyes just playing tricks on me? Was I dreaming? Or was that supposed to be a ghost of him? Hell, I don't even remember having a third eye for God’s sake! "Rai! Answer me, please. Where are you?!" Leo's voice got drowned from the other line with the sudden pour of the heavy rain. My sight got clouded, stopping me from my mindless striding. I was then completely soaked from head to toe and feeling lost, the raindrops were pelting sharply at my skin. Feeling stuck and confused, I closed my eyes and let it all consumed me. "Rai..." His voice sounds like a distant memory now. Just like how I remembered him: a dream. And if this is one, I think Sigmund Freud was right about dreams being the royal road to the unconscious. Because for the longest time that I tried to repress thoughts about how I could've saved him, about what I could've done differently to prevent things from happening—here he is, finally manifesting in my dream. But what of it? After so many years, why only now? "Rai." My eyes flew open as I gasped upon hearing his voice, this time it was closer and clearer. I turned around and as soon as my eyes adjusted from the downpour, I saw him standing right behind me. That instant our eyes met the third time, memories from years ago flooded my mind. And suddenly, I found myself on a bridge one dreary afternoon. It was the last day of May and I was seventeen again.