Last of May

9 – I always wanna die (sometimes)

There were three problems here: Firstly, the unbearable cacophony of giggles and chatters from random students. Secondly, the overwhelming presence of too many people in a closed space. And lastly, there’s nothing to do. At ang natatangi at pinakamagandang solusyong naiisip kong gawin ay walang iba kundi ang lumabas dito—so I did.

I plugged my earphones on both ears as I started walking beside the greenhouse. My playlist started playing in shuffle. Para akong nabunutan ng tinik. I was finally at peace sitting on the bench, far away from people.

Hindi ko namalayan kung ilang kanta na ang natapos dala nang pagkakatulala ko sa paggalaw ng mga ulap. I thought: solitude makes us appreciate little things more. But when that one particular song suddenly played, para akong nagising mula sa isang panaginip.

Nayuko ko ang hawak na phone at in-unlock. The song title together with the band who sang it flashed on the screen. I stared blankly on it as a nostalgic feeling occurred to me. A familiar scent, a feeling of affection, a dream-like place…

Hanggang sa mapasinghap ako at mapatalon sa kinauupuan dahil sa narinig na boses malapit sa tainga. Sa takot ay mabilis kong nahugot ang pagkakapasak ng ear phone. I scanned the place by impulse just to find someone’s standing behind the bench, behind me.

He sang the song I was listening to as he greeted me with a smile, both hands are on his back. “Hey. I have no idea you like The Beatles. Cool taste. Magkakasundo kayo ng lola ko.”

Nang makabawi sa pagkakagulat ay saka ko lamang napakawalan ang hininga. He’s gonna give me a heart attack. Why did he always have to pop out of nowhere? Parang pimple lang pagkatapos ng period. Irrelevant.

Hinugot ko ang wire ng earphone mula sa phone at inumpisan itong irolyo. “Do you have any idea then that one out of five people who suffered from shock, die? You could’ve killed me if I have a heart failure.”

He chuckled. “What gives? You’re more likely gonna die from hypovolemic shock since you’re slacking off here.”

Bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko pagkalingon sa kaniya. Sakto namang lumakad siya patungo sa harap ng bench na inuupuan ko. Inginuso niya ang loob ng greenhouse sa gilid namin pagkatapos, ang magkabilang kamay niya’y nanatili sa likuran.

“Nakikita mo ba ‘yon? Blood flow, Rai, blood flow. Importante ‘yon katulad ng activity natin ngayon—so can you please quit slacking off here and help your co-students?” mahinahon ang pagkakasabi niya nito’t may bakas nang pakikiusap.

Sumulyap ako sa matao at maingay na greenhouse. At katulad nang iniisip ko kanina, “There’s nothing to do there.”

“Actually, there is!” There was mixed enthusiasm and assurance on his nod. With a voice laced with authority, he demanded, “Hand over your palm, Alvarez.”

Huh? “Why?”

“Palm, please,” ulit niya, ngayo’y may kaunti nang ngiti.

Ibinulsa ko ang hawak na phone at earphone. Nag-aalangan ma’y inilahad ko sa kaniya ang kanang kamay ko. I threw him a puzzled look right after.

Mula sa isang kamay na nasa likura’y isinalin niya sa akin ang hawak. Kunot noo kong sinipat ang mga itim at bilohabang maliliit na pirasong naroon na sa palad ko.

Sinulyapan ko siya. “What’s this?”

“Daffodil seeds.” Sabay abot ng trowels sa akin galing naman sa kabilang kamay. Imbes na tanggapin ay sinulyapan ko lamang iyon. “Take this and that settles it.”

What is he on about? Itatanim ko ang mga ito? More of, sasayangin ko ang mga butong ito? I would bet with my life that this flower won’t grow. It wouldn’t even have the chance to take a peek to the world because I scarcely know a crap about gardening…

“You’re giving me the responsibility to plant and to make this seed grow? That’s plant cruelty,” I grumbled.

“You can do it,” natatawa niyang turan.

I gave him a flat look. Seryoso ba siya?

Inabot niyang muli sa akin ang trowels. “You just have to dig in to the soil and put on the seeds—and that settles it. It’ll grow with a little help, trust me. After all, I believe that this activity will be graded based on contribution so...”

Oh.

I sighed in surrender. Alright, he win. This activity was handled by the student council and that explained it. Kung bakit kasi hindi na lang niya sinabi iyon una pa lang nang wala nang mahabang diskusyunan.

He beamed at me as I nonchalantly took the trowels from him.

With a grimace, I uttered, “Listen here, Lorenzo. My conscience is clean. Ikaw ang may kasalanan ‘pag hindi ‘to nabuhay. You should take full responsibility, got it?”

A cold Saturday morning welcomed me as I opened my eyes. I saw the rain pouring hard from outside my window. Bago bumangon ay sandali muna akong pumikit nang mariin upang iwala ang pamilyar na pakiramdam. It took strength to finally get up on bed and start the day.

Pagkababa’y naabutan ko si mama sa kusina na nagluluto ng breakfast. Allen might still be asleep.

“Hungry? Breakfast’s almost ready. Sabay na tayo, tulog pa si bunso.”

Tumango ako sa turan ni mama bago nag-umpisang ayusin ang lamesa. Pagkakuha ko ng fresh milk sa ref ay hindi sinasadyang nahagip ng paningin ko ang mga puting tulips na naroon sa vase, katabi ng picture ni papa.

The flowers were already dead. I couldn’t help but wonder about the daffodils then. I had no idea what happened to the seeds since the day I planted it on the greenhouse. I didn’t know it would feel this bad, realizing how I took it for granted for such a long time now.

It was the month of July, nutrition month, when I was compelled to plant those seeds by the student council president, Toby Lorenzo. Naisip ko lang, nabuhay kaya iyon?

Napalingon ako kay mama nang marinig ko ang pagkanta niya habang nagluluto. It was that song—I will.

Napatalon siya pagkalingon nang maabutan akong nakatitig sa kaniya. Muntik pang nalaglag ang platong hawak niya.

“Ay Diyos ko! Ba’t naman gan’yan ka makatingin?” She made a light chuckle. “You worried? I don’t have any hangover, sweetie. Mama’s completely fine!”

I didn’t even know she was drunk last night. At bakit parang dumadalas yata?

Umiling ako nang marahan. The same old feeling was creeping in me. “It’s your song,” ngumiti agad si mama pagkasabi ko nito.

She nodded reminiscently. “Madalas kinakanta ng papa mo sa ‘kin ‘yon no’ng nililigawan pa lang niya ako. Not sure if it’s just me o talagang hawig niya noon si—”

“Paul McCartney, lead vocals of The Beatles,” ako nang tumapos para sa kaniya. I’d heard it countless of times while growing up. “He always sing it to you on your anniversary and it’s also the song played on your wedding day.”

Her smile grew wider. “I love your papa so much, sweetie… and I miss him every day.”

“I know, ma.” I missed him so bad too.

We didn’t talk much but every time I need or feel something, he knew what it was—one look at me and he could tell. My father might looked indifferent and cold on the surface but deep inside, he was the most empathetic person I know of.

Just when we were about to settle on our seats, came a knock on the door.

“Ako na, ma.” Tumayo ako at agad na tinungo ang main door.

Pagkabukas ng pinto’y sinalubong ako kaagad nang malakas na hangin, kasama na nang tunog mula sa marahas na pagbagsak ng ulan. Bahagya kong nakayap ang sarili dahil sa lamig ngunit agad na natigilan nang mapagtanto kung sino ang taong naroon.

Holding a huge Tupperware with his arm, Leo sneered at me. “Oh. Good morning to your nighties.”

Wala sa oras kong napasadahan ng tingin ang suot na dress na mukha lang oversized shirt.

“This is not a nighties,” I corrected.

“You always wear it at night so it’s basically a nighties,” sarkastiko niyang giit, ayaw magpatalo.

“Whatever. Why are you here?” was my main concern at the moment.

Instead of answering, Leo flashed yet another smile, iyong ngiting walang magandang dulot. Isinara niya ang dalang payong at iniabot sa akin kahit hindi ko iyon kinukuha.

“Sino ‘yan, Rai?” asked mom.

Bago pa man ako makasagot ay dire-diretso nang pumasok si Leo sa loob, muntik pa akong nabundol dahil sa laki nang pagsakop niya sa space. He used to be just about my height way back in elem but right now, this guy surely is humongous.

Gusto ko pa sanang sigawan pero ‘di ko na ginawa. Imbes ay sinundan ko na lamang nang masamang tingin at padabog na sinarado ang pinto. Pabalya kong sinuksok ang basa niyang payong sa umbrella stand bago sumunod sa kaniya papasok.

“Morning, Tita!”

“O! Leo, inaanak! What brings you here?” salubong ni mama pagkakita sa bisita. She looked hype for seeing Leo.

What was so good about this dimwit?

“Nagluto po si dad ng sopas for breakfast. Naisipan niya kayong dalhan. He actually wanted to give it himself but…” Makahulugang sumulyap saglit si Leo sa akin bago ipinagpatuloy ang sinasabi. “He doesn’t like the idea of someone getting uncomfortable so…” He ended it with a shrugged.

Bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko. Was he pertaining to me as that someone? How come? Why would I be uncomfortable around Tito Lenard when I’d known him all my life?

“Ah! Okay. Oo nga. Nako ang daddy mo talaga! Ang thoughtful…” mama almost giggled the last word.

Nanliit ang mga mata ko sa usapan ng dalawang mukhang sila lang ang nakakaintindi. “What are you two talking about?”

Leo only grinned. Si mama nama’y tumikhim lang bago kinuha ang dala ng huli. “Kumain ka na ba, inaanak? Sabayan mo na kami ni Rai, we’re just about to have breakfast!”

Something’s wrong here.

“Thanks, Tita.” Sumulyap ulit sa akin si Leo at saka naupo, hindi nawawala ang ngisi. “Too bad hindi makakasabay sa ‘tin si dad. Maybe next time?”

“Uh… oo, naman! Next time!” Mama laughed awkwardly. “Rai, sit down. Let’s eat!” I saw a faint hint of guilt on her face when our gaze met. Na siyang agarang naglaho nang ngumiti siya’t bumaling kay Leo. “How’s school? Someone from your batch got into an accident weeks ago daw?”

Sandali akong natigilan sa pagsususpetsa dahil sa tanong ni mama. She was talking about Toby Lorenzo.

Tumikhim si Leo bago nagsalita. “Actually, his funeral was held last month… wala po bang nasabi sa inyo si Rai?” Sabay baling sa ‘kin.

Bumaling akong pabalik kay Leo. Kailangan ko pa bang sabihin ang tungkol doon kay mama?

“I can’t imagine how broken hearted his parents might be right now. Ang bata pa noon ah? Malayo pa sana ang mararating…”

Natulala ako sa sarili kong pinggan. Bakit kailangang ito ang pag-usapan?

Muling tumikhim si Leo. “Have you tried the sopas, Tita? It kinda taste weird pero edible naman. Dad tried his best but he really sucks.”

Napahalakhak si mama sa sinabi ni Leo. “Effort is what counts naman, inaanak. Ikaw talaga!”

Hindi na ibinalik ni mama ang usapan tungkol doon. Talking about it was uncomfortable so I was a bit relieved.

Nagpatuloy ang kwentuhan ng dalawa. And mama seem overjoyed for some reason. Lahat nang sabihin ni Leo’y ikinatutuwa niya, as if Leo’s stories brought music to her ears. Though some of it were obviously forced laughs. I could see that she was just trying to return the favour but isn’t it too much? Mabait siya kay Leo noon pa man but not to this extent. Iyong parang gusto niyang mag-apply bilang nanay…

Oh hold up. I think I know what’s happening here.

“Ma, what’s going on?”

“Huh? What’s going on? Kumakain tayo!” She laughed awkwardly again, avoiding my gaze.

“You look happy today, Tita. Something good happen?” Leo smiled sweetly at Mama but I know better.

“O-of course! There isn’t anything to be down about,” Mama’s stutter confirmed my suspicion.

But I wanted to hear it straight from her. “Are you dating Tito Lenard, Ma?”

Nasamid si Mama sa direktang tanong ko. Napatiim bagang naman ako sa nakitang reaksyon niya.

Leo laughed, hindi na napigilan. “You okay, Tita?” Inabutan niya ng baso ng tubig si Mama.

Tinanggap ito ng huli at agad ininom. “Anong pinagsasabi mong bata ka? We’re not dating!”

I turned to Leo for confirmation but he just gave me a shrug, a smile was plastered on his face as if he’s really enjoying this. At mukhang wala talaga siyang balak na magsalita kaya’t muli ko na lamang binalingan si Mama.

“Ma,” I demanded.

Mama grimaced guiltily. Hindi na siya makatingin sa ‘kin. “I already told you we’re not… not... not yet, okay?”

My jaw dropped and I froze. Not yet? It means they were actually planning to?

I gaped at her, unbelieving. That was not a good joke.

“Seriously, Ma?” my voice was dripping with disappointment. Ang mapait na pakiramdam na kanina pang umaaligid ay mabilis at tuluyan na akong nilukob.

It had only been a year since papa died. But was she telling me right now that she’s going to date someone? After saying how much she love and miss him? That didn’t make any sense.

I wanted to knock some sense to her so bad but before I could do so, my own questions and emotions overwhelmed me. In the end, all I could do was stand up and leave the table in disappointment.

“Rai, sweetie…”

Lumabas ako mula sa maindoor at sumalampak sa wooden bench na naroon sa balcony.

I found it utterly unfair from my father’s side. I just couldn’t come up with any way on how you could forget someone you spent almost half of your life with in just a goddamn year. I wasn’t a hopeless romantic but if it’s me, it would definitely take me a lifetime to forget that someone. Because that was what great love supposed to be. Kaya kahit gusto kong intindihin si Mama’y hindi ko magawa. I get that she’s lonely but this isn’t just right.

Habang humihinga nang malalalim ay pinanood ko ang bawat pagpatak ng ulan para lang mapagaan ang bigat na nararamdaman. At sa bawat pagdaan nang malakas na hangin, mas lalong nanunuot sa akin ang lamig. Hindi lang sa balat ko kundi maging sa buo kong sistema.

I hugged myself, trying to gain warmth on my own. At naisip ko, siguro may mga bagay talaga na kailangan nating gawin nang mag-isa kahit gaano pa ito kahirap… kahit na akala natin imposible. Because most of the time, we were alone with ourselves. No one was going to be there beside us forever. And I was well aware of that—so how come Mama isn’t?

“You are such a brat.”

Nilingon ko ang nagsalita. On his usual bored face, I found Leo walking near while staring at me. Both hands are tucked inside his jacket’s pocket.

“And you’re seriously up for this? Nagpresenta ka pa talagang tulay—what’s wrong with you?”

Naupo siya sa kabilang dulo ng bench at dinaluhan ako sa pagtunghay sa ulan. “They’re both adults. Alam na nila kung ano ang ginagawa nila. What is there to be worked up about?”

Tss. “Do you even have to ask?”

“I’m trying to make sense here.” Sarkastiko niya akong sinulyapan, matapos ay bumuntonghininga. “If it’s about your dad then just say so.”

Napalingon ako sa kaniya. I saw him staring blankly ahead. His hands were then clasped while both arms were resting on his lap. Walang bakas nang kahit anong emosyon ang mukha niya, katulad ng sa akin.

Our parents were close friends since they’re in college. And if I remembered it correctly, I was around six when we moved here. Our families used to have dinner together on weekends then. Leo never talked to me during those times that was why I didn’t try to talk to him too.

Kaya’t nagulat ako isang beses nang magtungo siya sa bahay namin at inaya akong maglaro. He said though that his mom made him do it because she noticed I wasn’t making any friends in the neighbourhood, bukod sa hindi rin ako palalabas ng bahay kahit noon pa man.

Naalala ko pa noon kung paano niya dire-diretsong binanggit ang mga ball games na nilalaro niya at kung alin doon ang nilalaro ko rin. Ni hindi pa ako nakahawak ng bola noon kaya wala akong ideya sa larong gusto niya. He said I was boring then he went out. He came back the next day though. Nakabusangot siya nang sinabing pinabalik siya ng mommy niya para ayain akong maglaro ulit.

He saw me helping mom babysit Allen, who was two at the time. Noong una’y nanonood lang siya sa amin ngunit kalaunan ay nakikisali na rin siya sa pagbi-baby talk sa kapatid ko. He took a liking to Allen and started to hung out in our house almost every day. He said he was an only child and he wanted so bad to have a sibling. We talked a lot since. Tinuruan din niya akong mag-catch ball kahit panay siya reklamo dahil wala ako halos masapo at mabatong bola nang tama.

That’s right. He always had this bored look on his face and he said the first thing that came to his mind. I wasn’t sure though why I was being reminded of these things like it was forever ago. Maybe it was because things are way different now?

“Okay, you can stop staring now,” aniya sabay lingon sa akin. Nang magkasalubong ang mga mata nami’y napakunot noo siya. “Are you trying to creep me out? Alam ko kung anong ibig sabihin ng mga tingin na ‘yan.”

Itinabingi ko ang ulo ko. “Talaga? Alam mong gustong-gusto na kitang palayasin dito? You practice telepathy so well huh.” Note the sarcasm at that.

“Tss. Sige lang, pretend all you want. The way you look at me already says it all,” hambog niyang sinabi.

Hindi ako sumagot. Nanatili lamang akong nakatingin sa kaniya. May pinaglalaban ang isang ito.

“You do realize the absurdity of your idea, right?” He nodded to himself, kunot pa rin ang noo. “I understand the hesitation. Gusto mong sa akin manggaling.”

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. Naging blangkong muli ang mukha niya bago nagpatuloy.

“A strategic plan on how to prevent our parents from dating before they even get a chance to start.” Muli siyang nagkunot ng noo, parang napapangiwi pa nga bago sinabing, “Operation date Leo.”

Muntik na akong malaglag sa kinauupuan ko. I looked at him ludicrously in a piercing way. Wala akong masabi out of dazed. How dare he say such a filthy thing?

“Don’t give me that look. It’s your freaking idea!” Tuluyan siyang napangiwi at ngayo’y hindi na maipinta ang mukha. “Damn, it’s so gross!”

Gusto kong matawa pero mas pinili kong titigan siya nang seryoso ngunit matalim. “I told you to take your meds in time, Leo. You stubborn bastard.” Pinagkadiinan ko talaga ang huling mga salita para manuot sa kaniya ang kababuyan niya.

Natigilan siya sa pagngiwi-ngiwi dahil sa sinabi ko. Sumeryoso siya’t matalim din akong sinuklian ng tingin. “You’re one to talk you lil brat. Sino bang walang emosyon at laging tulala rito? Hindi ba ikaw? Take your stupid drugs or just die.”

“Said someone with incurable superiority complex,” I said it with pure indifference.

Tila nalagot ang pisi ng pasensya niya. Mula sa pagharap sa labas ay umikot ng upo si Leo paharap sa akin. I sat still, facing the yard and hugging myself as he turned his full attention to me. Tumitig siya nang matagal—madilim at nagbabanta ang ekspresyong naroon sa mukha niya. I wondered how he was killing me inside his head right then.

“Oh, I get it.” He smiled devilishly all of a sudden, hindi inaalis sa akin ang tingin.

Napakurap ako nang ilang beses sa kaniya. I thought: hindi lang yata superiority complex ang sakit ng isang ito. I bet he had far more serious illness in him aside from being ill-mannered.

“You’re gonna have a big brother soon.” He leaned closer to me as his eyes became vicious. “At sisiguraduhin ko na mapupunta ka sa dapat mong kalagyan.”

“Shut it. It’s never happening.”

He laughed sardonically upon seeing how the calmness subsides in me.

“Wait, should I call you sweetie from now on too?”

“Shut up, Leo.”

“Ah! How ‘bout lil sis since you’re a lil brat?”

“Tatahimik ka o patatahimikin kita?” banta ko, ang pagpintig ng puso ko’y mabilis dahil sa galit.

Tumingin lamang siya’t ngumisi, naghahamon. “How are you gonna shut me up, lil sis?”

Dumaan ang malakas na hangin. Mas lalo kong nayakap ang sarili dahil sa dala nitong lamig. I wasn’t really a sadist but I wanted to hurt this bastard in front of me so badly. But I guess I could just settle by torturing him inside my head right now. Less effort.

“O, nanginginig ka na agad. Natatakot ka? Hmn?”

Pinigilan ko ang panginginig bago muling magsalita. “Don’t you dare show your face here from now on, Perez.”

“Woah, what’s with the sudden coldness, Alvarez? Shouldn’t you be calling me Kuya? You’ll be a Perez soon too.”

Kuya my ass. He was only six months older than me. Mas mature pa nga yatang mag-isip si Allen kaysa sa kaniya.

“What? Giving up so easily? Say something o iisipin kong pumapayag ka na.”

I threw him dagger looks but he seemed to be enjoying this even more.

I gritted my teeth. “I’ve never felt so much hatred towards anyone as I do right now.”

Napahalakhak na siya roon.

Isipin ko pa lang na mapapalitan ang apelyido ko sa ganoong paraa’y bumibigat na kaagad ang puso ko. It was such a treacherous thing. And I could never do something like that to my father. Ever.

The main door suddenly burst open. But before I could turn to see who that was, came Allen’s voice.

“Kuya Leo!”

Leo turned his head to Allen. “Hey lil bro—” He turned to me for a second, an annoying smile is plastered on his face. “I mean, hey kiddo!”

Pagkasara ng pinto’y agad tumakbo si Allen palapit sa amin ni Leo. He looked like he just woke up but he seemed really excited. Just because Leo was here. Again, what’s so good about this dimwit? Why did my family like him so much?

“Kuya, let’s play soccer!” said Allen enthusiastically. “The console from Tito Lenard works really cool!”

Wait, the what from Tito Lenard? “Tito Lenard give you what, Allen?”

“A latest console, ate.” Bago ko pa man iyon mausisa ay nagsalita na ulit si Allen. “Kuya, let’s play, please!”

Umawang ang mga labi ko nang mapagtanto ko ang nangyayari. Tito Lenard was already on his move buying my family. And I was utterly oblivious about it. Pakiramdam ko’y naiisahan ako rito. Kung hindi pa dumating si Leo ngayo’y hindi ko pa malalaman.

Katakut-takot na pagkagimbal panigurado ang sasapitin ko kung malaman ko na lang bigla isang araw na magpapakasal na ang dalawa, kung hindi ko pa ito nalaman ngayon. Dahil mukhang walang balak si Mama na sabihin sa akin.

Why? I am her daughter—I have the right to know. Why didn’t she tell me?

“Eat your breakfast first, Allen.” Hindi ko nakontrol ang galit na kumawala sa boses ko.

Napalingon kaagad sa akin si Leo.

“Ate?” Nasa mukha ni Allen ang pagtataka at bahagyang pagkatakot.

Hindi naman para sa kaniya ang galit na ‘yon.

Humugot ako ng hininga’t magsasalita sana ulit ngunit inunahan ako ni Leo.

“You haven’t eaten yet, kiddo?”

“I’m not really hungry, Kuya. Can’t I just eat later?”

“Kumain ka muna. Breakfast is important,” kalmado na ang boses ko pagkasabi ko nito. Sumulyap sa akin ang kapatid ko, bahagyang nakasimangot.

I kept forgetting he was already a teenager because he always act like a total kid around Leo. I guess he was just that comfortable around him. And maybe the thought of having an elder brother sounds thrilling for him. Lalo na kung si Leo iyon.

The latter smiled to Allen. “You heard your Ate. Eat first. We’ll play soccer later.”

Agad nagliwanag ang mukha ni Allen at masiglang tumango. “Okay!” Pumasok siyang muli sa maindoor, leaving me and Leo alone.

“I can’t see any problem with our family being together except you.”

“And that’s a big problem,” malamig kong sabi. “You see, I don’t hate you or your dad but understand that I despise the whole idea of us being a family.”

Binalingan ako ni Leo, ang hindi maalis na ngiti niya kanina’y wala na. Ilang sandali kaming tumingin sa isa’t-isa, parehong blangko ang mga ekspresyon. And it might sound absurd, pero alam kong nagkaintindihan kaming dalawa ro’n.

Wala na kaming dapat pag-usapan kaya’t tumayo na ako. Isa pa, hindi ko na rin talaga matagalan ang lamig. Ngunit bago pa man ako tuluyang makapasok ay narinig kong nagsalita pa siya.

“You’ll end up all alone if you keep burning bridges whenever you get a chance, you little brat.”