'Til Then I Dream

18 : Until then

If it was only possible, I would rather stay asleep and be with her until she leave. But like she said, it’s not fair to devote my time changing a story that had long been concluded.

I kept praying for a miracle, but Anna being with me for a short time even after she died was already enough. Wanting to believe that He had better plans for me and for us was the only thing that drove me to acceptance.

“You should talk to Ian.”

Mula sa sabay na paglakad sa parke ay bumaling ako kay Anna.

Squeezing my hand lightly, she turned her head and looked at me as if waiting for my response.

“That’s what I’ve been thinking.” I squeezed her hand back and smiled a little before directing my sight back ahead. With my other hand slid inside my jean’s pocket, I breathed in the afternoon air and watched how the fallen leaves was being blown by the wind.

“Are you still mad at him?”

“May magagawa pa ba ‘yung galit ko para maibalik at mabago ang lahat ng nangyari?”

There was a sad look on her eyes when I turned to her. Tumigil ako sa paglakad at hinarap siya.

“Stop blaming yourself. We were all at fault.” Bumagsak ang tingin ko sa magkahawak naming kamay at bahagya iyong iniangat. Habang sinasalat ng daliri ang suot niyang singsing ay nagpatuloy ako. “Ian couldn’t fully commit in his relationship with Senin. You were indecisive and I took advantage of your weaknesses…”

She shook her head. “You didn’t, don’t say that. I was unsure about everything, even with myself, but you gave me certainty. You gave me every reason to believe that I deserve beautiful things too.”

The first semester ended slowly like an impending goodbye. We were at a resort, having a family trip for the sem break when I got a chance to talk to Ian.

“Care for some beer and barbeque?”

Namimilog ang mga mata niya nang lingunin ako mula sa pagtayo ro’n sa gilid ng pool. Ilang beses nagbalik ang tingin niya sa hawak kong bote at stick bago iyon alanganing tinanggap.

“Uh… thanks.”

Squinting from the blinding rays of the noon sun, I cut to the chase, “When did you realize that you liked Anna too?”

Halos maibuga ni Ian ang kaiinom pa lang na beer. Tinigilan niya iyon agad at saka tumikhim. Kapwa tuon sa kumikinang na tubig ang tingin namin nang magsimula siya.

“Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kailan eksakto. Pagkatapos niyang mag-confess sa ‘kin, ilang beses ko siyang sinubukang ligawan pero ni-reject niya ako. It makes sense because she’s in a relationship with you. Ang gago ko lang do’n dahil alam kong mahal niya ako at ayokong tanggapin na hindi na ako bigla.”

Tumango ako bago inumpisahang inumin ang laman ng boteng hawak. “Gago ka nga.”

Mabigat ang pinakawalan niyang buntonghininga. “Ayaw niya talagang makipag-break sa ‘yo. I’m not sure why but she was so scared to admit that she loves you. Nagulat pa nga ako nang aminin niya sa ‘yong ako lang ang minahal niya nang sobra. Kahit kitang-kita kong sobra ka niyang pahalagahan, lalo ‘yung nararamdaman mo. It’s like she’s protecting you from herself—which I don’t understand. Or at least not until eventually.

“Anna’s a broken girl. She fears love but all the more fears hurting the people she cares for. Kaya bago pa man magsimula, pinuputol na niya, tinatapos na niya. She believes in love yet she thinks that she’s not deserving of it.”

Pinunasan niya kaagad ang luha niya gamit ang likod ng palad bago bumaling sa akin.

“Mahal ko siya. Pero mas deserve n’yo ‘yung isa’t isa. Masaya na siya sa ‘yo eh. Dapat hindi na ako nakialam. Kung hindi ko kayo ginulo, sana hindi nangyari ‘yon. Sana hindi niya kinailangang umalis.” He sniffed and drowned his silent sobs as he drank on his bottle.

Mapait ang naging ngiti ko. “Naniniwala akong may kapalit ang lahat ng bagay—maganda man o hindi, lagi ‘yong may katumbas. I won’t say I have already forgiven you because I’m still in the process. Hindi madaling kalimutan at paghilumin ‘yung sakit pero sinusubukan ko. At sana ikaw din, Ian. Sana subukan mo ring magbago at hindi na ulitin ‘yung pagkakamaling nagawa mo.”

Panay palis ng mga luha mula sa paghikbi, paulit-ulit siyang tumango. Pagkabuga ng hangin ay lumapit ako sa kaniya at tinapik siya sa balikat ng ilang beses. Ang paninikip ng lalamunan ko ay dinala ko sa pag-inom mula sa hawak na bote.

Maulan ng isang beses habang pauwi ako mula sa campus. Wala akong dalang payong kaya’t tinakbo ko ang bawat daan hanggang makatungo ako sa shed. Kalahati ng damit ko ang basa nang pagpagin ko ang basa ko nang buhok.

Gabi na natapos ang huli kong klase kaya’t wala na gaanong tao sa campus. Madalang na rin ang pagdaan ng mga sasakyan sa kalsada kaya’t ilang sandali pa akong naghintay para sa bus. Sumakay ako kaagad doon nang may dumating.

Wala pa ring tigil ang malakas na ulan hanggang sa makababa ako sa bus stop. Angat ang dalang bag sa taas ng ulo bilang pangsangga sa ulan, tumawid ako sa main road matapos pumalit ang green light para sa pedestrian.

Ngunit nasa kalagitnaan pa lang ako ng pagtawid, nang matigilan ako sa nakasisilaw na ilaw at nakabibinging busina mula sa isang palapit na motor.

Matigas at malamig ang kalsada. Liwanag. Ang bawat butil nang marahas na pagbuhos ng ulan ay tila mga karayom sa balat ko. Mga boses. Dilat ang mga mata ngunit walang makitang kahit ano. Dilim.

What’s the difference between a wish and a dream? Was there any when my wish came true through my dreams?

Pinagmasdan ko ang pagtapon at tila pagkinang ng kulay kahel na paglubog nang araw mula sa pampang. Mula sa pagdama nang malakas na ihip ng hangin ay tumingala ako sa langit.

I couldn’t help but think that every time I feel the earth on my feet and admire the beauty of nature around me, I felt at ease and contented. Like I wanted to be one with it.

Arms circled and embraced me from my stomach. “That much?”

Kasabay ng pagyuko ko ang pagdapo ng ngiti sa labi ko matapos siyang makita. Her chin was resting on my chest as she stared up at me. She looked different but I know it was her. The same way that I know I was me.

“That much—but of course, with you.”

The smile on my face then reflected on hers as I wrapped my arms around her. We both stared at the horizon as the sun with its last rays bid goodbye.

“Congratulations!” She run towards me with a bouquet on her hand.

Tumatawa ko siyang sinalubong ng isang yakap at bahagya pang inangat. My graduation ceremony just ended.

“I’m so proud of you!”

Pagkababa sa kaniya ay agad niyang tinanggap ang halik ko. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Kasabay nang pag-alingawngaw ng speakers para sa isang kanta ay sabay kaming tumawa.

“Kumain ka ba?”

Inipit ko ang phone sa tainga mula sa balikat at saka pinulot ang slacks ko sa kama.

“I don’t have time—hindi ako nagising sa alarm!”

“What?” She chuckled instead of panicking with me.

Pumikit ako nang mariin. “Initial interview ko pa lang bagsak na ‘ko agad sa punctuality!”

“Relax. Kasalanan mo naman! Late ka na sigurong natulog kagabi.”

Umawang ang mga labi ko para sa mga salitang hindi ko nagawang sabihin. I heaved out a defeated sigh instead. She’s right.

“Don’t forget to grab something on the way. ‘Di ka pa naman sanay nang walang laman ang t’yan sa umaga.”

Binubutones ko ang kulay abong button-down nang may maligaw na ngiti sa labi ko.

“Opo. Tawag ako mamaya pagkatapos. Sunduin kita sa campus.”

After hearing her reply, I took off and left.

“I don’t have any cheesy line ready so I’ll just cut to the chase.” I grinned as I got up from the bed. Umikot ako sa kabilang banda kung nasaan siya at saka dahan-dahang lumuhod. “Will you marry me?”

Gulo-gulo pa ang buhok mula sa paggising, namilog ang mga mata niyang nagpabalik-balik sa mukha ko at sa hawak kong itim na box.

“Seryoso ka? Kagigising ko lang! I can’t even—”

We ended up laughing together while she was at a loss of words to say.

“Oh my, God.”

“Is that a no?”

She covered her face with a palm, trying so hard to hide her smile. Until slowly, she begun to nod. Sa namumulang mga mata, ngumiti siya at bahagya pang natawa nang idirektang pabalik sa akin ang tingin.

“Nakakainis ka. But it’s a yes.”

Kapwa kami muling natawa matapos ko siyang patakan ng halik sa labi.

“Kapapalit ko lang ng diaper ng baby na ‘yan, bakit nagpu-poo agad?” Pabiro akong pumatsik habang umiiling bago ito maingat na ibinaba sa kama.

Matapos itong tahimik na palitan ng diaper ay muli ko itong kinarga palabas ng kwarto. I left her to sleep soundly in our room as I carry our baby outside to watch the sunrise.

Breathing in the cold morning air, I kissed her cheeks then her head. Inayos ko ang suot nitong bonnet bago tuluyang lumabas patungo sa bakuran. Her small hands kept tugging at the collar of my shirt until she grab a hold of my necklace. I watched as she scrutinized it, not aware of the smile curving up on the corners of my mouth.

“Dada, look! Look!”

“Hmn?” Bumaling ako sa kaniya.

“This is Momma, this is Dada and this is me!”

Hawak ang mug ng kape, bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko nang mapagmasdan ang hawak niyang artwork.

“Bakit airplane ‘yung nasa likod? Where’s our house?”

Ngumuso siya bago pilyang ngumiti. “I don’t want to stay in a house! I want to go to places!”

I blinked a few times before what she said completely registered to me. Halos masapo ko ang ulo nang dahan-dahang matawa. Sunod-sunod ang tango ko matapos abutin at tapikin ang tuktok ng ulo niya.

“Smart. That’s my baby girl.”

“How about me and Dada? Iiwan mo pala kami?” Her momma chimed in.

“No! I’m taking my momma and dada with me!”

Matapos magtapunang dalawa ng tingin ay kapwa na lang kami natawa.

“Ang sakit na ng tuhod ko, dahan-dahan ka namang maglakad!”

Kanina pa rin sumasakit ang balakang ko pero bumalik ako para akayin siya mula sa braso patungo sa kahoy na bench. Pagkaupo ro’n ay agad kong minasahe ang tuhod niya.

“Sa’n bang masakit? Tignan ko nga.”

Masama agad ang tingin sa akin nang sulyapan ko kaya’t mahina na lamang akong natawa.

“Ito, hindi ba ‘to masakit?” Piniga niyang bigla ang balakang ko kaya’t bigla akong napadaing.

Pinandilatan ko siya kahit natatawa. Ginantihan naman niya ako ng ngisi na animong nanalo sa kung saan.

Scoffing in disbelief, I shook my head and just stared ahead to watch every people passing by. Ang iba’t ibang kulay ng Christmas lights at lantern ay kumikinang sa bawat puno at nakapaligid na poste sa parke. Sari-sari ang mga nakahilerang stalls do’n para sa year end program.

Inilabas ko mula sa dalang plastic bag ang ilang pagkaing binili kanina at binuksan bago iniabot sa kaniya isa-isa. We talked and laughed as we ate until the countdown for the New Year started.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six.

“Goodbye.”

I slid my fingers on the spaces of her hand and held it tight. She leaned her head on my shoulder as we both chimed in for the countdown.

“Regime.”

Five. Four.

“Kuya.”

Three. Two.

“Rej?”

One.

“Come back.”

Nakabibinging tunog ng life-detector ang umalingawngaw sa pandinig ko pagkamulat. Hindi ko pa agad napansin ang mga taong nakapaligid sa akin dahil sa panandaliang pag-alon ng paningin. Ang sari-saring boses na nag-uusap ay hindi ko maintindihan.

Sinubukan kong igalaw ang katawan ko ngunit tanging kamay ko lang ang nagawa kong iangat. Staring at my palm, my sight started to blur as everything slowly registered to me. My chest grew tight as sobs filled the room.

“Anna…”

I was hospitalized with a coma for months after the vehicle accident. Couldn’t remember anything clearly, only the feeling of being in my deepest dream was left with me. It was the weirdest thing for it felt like having a completely different life with familiar people around.

If I took a few steps back and look at life in a wide view, everything started to make sense and became easy. One of which was letting go and hoping to stumble upon something ahead along the way until reaching the end.

Ilang paalam pa ba ang kailangan bago ko masabing sa wakas, nakauwi na ako?

“Dude, did anyone ever bother to tell you that you had such an odd name? Sinong magulang ang magpapangalan ng Regime sa anak nila?”

Until she came… and never left. That was when I started dreaming again—of having a future with her and with every people in my life.

“Late na ‘ko hala. Una na po ako!”

“Good luck sa first day! Ayusin mo sa introduce yourself, baka mabulol ka pa.”

I laughed at her remark before sipping on my coffee mug. Muli ko na sanang itutuon ang atensyon sa binabasang libro nang mahagip ng tingin ko ang wallet sa table.

“May nakalimutan na naman ang Iris.” I nodded in the direction of the wallet when she turned at me.

With fists on her hips, she heaved out a resigned sigh. “Makakalimuting bata talaga ‘yang anak mo. Sa ama yata nagmana.”

Chuckling, I shook my head, sip again on my coffee and didn’t argue with her because I know better.