Concept of Time

Prologue Time. A proverb once said that time heals all wounds no matter how deep they could be. Little did they know that time only merely softens the pain and blurs the memories? Time could sometimes feel so short, that's when we're making the most out of its seconds. Sometimes it feels so long, well that's when every second counts to a phase where we struggle. It extends to people, love and opportunities so all we should be doing is to try our best to keep what makes us the happiest, but learn to let go when something's too unbearable. Time, one word that speaks a million of stories. They said if a story faded away by sunlight, it becomes a history. If it's lit by moonlight, it becomes a legend. If only we could go back in time, will you choose to take away those hours of pain and darkness? Because I will. It's a good lesson to learn but I would still prefer going back to make it right, replace all the bad with something better. Time brings us either regrets or lessons in life. And I guess I'm on the first consequence, regretting the decisions I've made that ended up as my mistakes. Someone suddenly blocked my sight, it was Elle standing in front of me. "You haven't taken your lunch yet, sabay ka na sa’min." "I'm still full, mamaya na ako." I gave her a small smile, enough to assure her I'm fine. She just gave me a nod before walking away, I sighed in relief nang hindi niya na ako pilitin pa na sumabay sa kanila maglunch. Marahan akong napahilot sa sentido ko, sumasakit ang ulo ko kaya't hindi ako makapag-focus ng maayos sa inaaral ko. It's already lunchtime but I chose to take my time reviewing kesa kumain. Naramdaman kong may umupo sa tabi ko, may naglapag naman ng pagkain sa harapan ko. Hinatak ni Lazh ang binabasa kong reviewer, tinulak ni Marcus sa tapat ko 'yong pagkain. "Hindi ka makakapag-aral nang maayos kung 'di ka kakain." anito ni Lazh. Wala na akong nagawa kundi kainin 'yong binigay ni Marcus sakin. Sobrang bagal kong kumain dahil pakiramdam ko'y bumabaliktad ang sikmura ko, I'm still feeling so sick. Lazh broke the silence, she played a music para kahit papano ay gumaan ang paligid namin. Marcus is with us dahil nitong mga nagdaan ay nagiging close na rin silang dalawa ni Lazh. I wonder, what's going on around me? It's the start of a new day, But it feels as though everything's ending. Still picking up pieces From the broken love you gave to me. My earth feels like it's stopped turning And my sun feels like it's stopping burning. Bahagya akong napatigil, masamang tingin ang ibinaling ko kay Lazh. She played After the Heartbreak, mas lalo lang akong nanghina! Nang makalahati ko na ang pagkain ko'y inilapit ko 'yon sa kanya, I told her to finish my foods dahil puno na ako. I stood up and took my reviewer. "Thank you, Marcus..." I uttered. Nag-angat sya ng tingin sa’kin, nakita ko ang pag-aalala sa mga mata nya. I sighed and walked away, narinig ko pang tinatawag ako ni Lazh pero binilisan ko na ang lakad ko. After class ay dumiretso na ako sa condo ko. I wore a beige hoodie paired with black jogger, maulan ngayon kaya tama lang 'tong suot ko para 'di ako ginawin. I took my condo key bago ako lumabas, gusto ko lang magpahangin. Hinayaan kong tangayin ako ng mga paa ko sa kung saan. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako magtutungo pero nagpatuloy lang ako sa paglalakad. Napatigil ako sa may tapat ng café na madalas naming pinupuntahan dati ni Johan after class. Dito kami nagrereview dahil malapit lang naman 'to sa condo namin. I entered the café, sumalubong sa akin 'yong same aroma na bumubungad tuwing nandito kami. Bakante 'yong pwestong madalas namin pinupwestuhan kaya roon ako dumiretso pagkatapos ko umorder ng Hazelnut Macchiato. I crossed my arms, nakasandal lang ako sa inuupuan ko habang nakatanaw sa labas. I suddenly felt a stab on my chest when I realized na mag-isa na lang ako rito ngayon, wala na 'yong nakakaasaran ko dati habang naghihintay ng order namin. It started pouring rain. May mga nagtatakbuhan sa labas para sumilong, 'yong ibang bata ay masasayang naglalaro sa gitna ng ulan. Bahagya akong napangiti. For once, I just want to be a kid again... A kid who doesn't learn about love yet, a kid who's not in pain. I know you love him, but it's over, mate It doesn't matter, put the phone away It's never easy to walk away, let him go It'll be alright So I still look back at all the messages you'd sent And I know it wasn't right, but it was f*****g with my head... I chuckled. Pati 'yong kanta dito sa café ay tumutugma sa sitwasyon ko. Hindi ko man’lang magalaw 'yong kape na nasa harapan ko, all I know is I want to stare at it. I took my phone and captured a picture of coffee na nasa mesa, I added it to my IG story with a caption 'coffee at cold night.' Napansin kong may story din si Johan, something's pushing me to view it kaya't binuksan ko 'yon. It feels like a fckin' dagger when I saw his picture with a girl.... Kusang tumulo ang luha ko nang makita ko 'yon, I tried my best to smile dahil gusto kong paniwalain ang sarili ko na masaya na ako ngayon para sa kanya but I can't. Hanggang ngayo'y naiisip ko na sana ako 'yon... sana ako 'yong kasama nya. I was about to turn off my phone kaso nagpop-up 'yong viewers ng story ko. Parang tinambol ang dibdib ko nang mapansin ko na nagview si Johan sa story ko. Well, at least he still cares... maybe. Sa mga sumunod na araw ay nawalan na ako ng oras para maglibang, napakaraming kailangan ipasa at reviewhin. Mahirap maging med-student, may mga oras na gusto ko na lang maiyak sa sobrang daming terms na kailangan aralin. Hindi required na kabisaduhin lahat, but it has to be understood as clearly as possible. Lumipas ang mga buwan na sa pag-aaral ko na lang naibubuhos ang buong oras ko. Nawalan na ako ng oras para sa sarili ko, well... this is better para naman wala na rin akong oras na maramdaman 'yong sakit saka lungkot. May mga panahon na gusto ko nang sumuko, sobrang hirap lalo na't hindi pa rin ako okay. I remembered the time when I failed my exams, last month lang 'yon and God knows how much I wanted to quit. Tila ba'y gusto kong magpalit ng course, ayoko na sanang magpatuloy sa pagtatake ng Med pero gusto ko talaga 'to. I was in the middle of taking down notes when he crossed my mind. Napatigil ako sa pagsusulat, tumanaw ako sa may bintana at pinagmasdan ang sikat ng araw. I wonder where he is, how's he doing, kumain na ba sya, tinuloy nya ba 'yong pangarap nya, masaya ba sya... may bago na ba sya? Pasimple kong hinugot ang phone ko sa bag ko, I checked my photos and scrolled through it. In-open ko kaagad 'yong album namin ni Johan. A smile suddenly appeared on my lips habang pinagmamasdan ko ang mga pictures namin. Sobrang genuine ng ngiti namin dito... Sayang kasi hindi ko manlang nasulit 'yong mga huling araw na kasama ko sya. I hope maibabalik ko pa 'yon... pero sino bang niloko ko? Sarili ko lang din. Hindi na mababalik 'yong nakaraan, all I can do is hope and wait for him to come back in my life, gusto kong itama bawat pagkakamali na nagawa ko noon. "Still thinking of him?" I came back to my senses when someone placed a bottle of water on my desk. It's Kyanna, blockmate ko and friend nila Lexi. I shrugged. "Next class?" "Worst class." she rolled her eyes, napangisi na lang ako't tumayo. I took my stuffs and walked towards the laboratory. Naabutan ko sila Marcus don, they're ahead. I was waiting for our next class when my phone suddenly rang, agad akong napaayos ng tayo kasabay ng pagkabog ng dibdib ko. Homie calling... I was trembling, hindi ko alam kung sasagutin ko ba ang tawag o hihintayin itong mag-end nang kusa. I was so disappointed when a 'missed call' notification appeared on my screen as the call ended. Baka napindot nya lang? Mabigat na paghinga ang pinakawalan ko, I bit my lower lip when I felt a dagger on my chest. Hindi na ba matatapos 'to? I just want this pain to stop, it was my choice to leave but why the f**k is it so painful? Nauubos ako, ghad! This pain drains me. I closed my eyes for a moment, maybe it will lessen this pain. But even with my eyes closed, he's the one who crosses my mind. Come to think of it.... How do we look at the person we love the most and tell ourselves it's time to walk away? "And how painful it is to let go when you're the home I wanna keep the most?" I suddenly remembered the last words he left me with before walking away from me that night. As the sun sets for us, we bid our goodbyes. Sunset really signifies the end because in order for the moon to breathe, the sun must take a rest. And what if we're just like the moon and sun? I had to let him rest so I can finally take a breath. It's just that, we'll have to wait a little longer before we can make the greatest eclipse somewhere in the middle of the skies. “Maybe we're really meant to be together, we just did it wrong the first time we tried.” I whispered to the wind, smiling at hope. ***