Beyond The Square One (BTSO2)

S q u a r e S e v e n t e e n ( H E )

I smile to myself after taking a quick shower. I'm no longer counting the strokes of every brush on my teeth. I don't count my steps from the bathroom to the bedroom. And I don't check my trashbin every now and then for some weeks now. Though I'm still allergic to dust, I can say that I've been getting really well with my OCD. Just tonight, I stopped checking several times for the bedroom's lock.

As I walk into the living room where I'm expecting to see Ariel, nakita ko na lang ang laptop kong nakabukas; no new emails with urgent subjects or those messages with red prio. I feel disappointed not seeing Ariel, actually. But she left me a sticky note saying she's just on the rooftop.

"Hey," I say, hugging her from her back, as I approach her while staring at the wide view of Taguig. She's standing close to the railings of the rooftop and she's not changed her clothes yet.

Odd, but the ugly feeling I have in our tower in BGC is actually not the same that I have for this place. I don't know. I guess the feeling I have for Fuentebella Empire Tower has always been like that ever since and my psychological state can't bring it to change just yet. Perhaps it takes time. A long one.

Judging by her nonchalance, I can sense that she's expecting me to follow her. She doesn't even seem surprised. Instead, she smiles without looking at me, and I can't help but smile, too.

"Is everything okay?" I gently ask.

It takes long before she answers. "I'm in a relationship with you, Eric. Nothing will be okay. But everything is worth the conflict."

I don't know if I'm supposed to be happy because of that. Obviously falling quiet, I slowly let go of my hold on her, and walk the short distance next to her to stand and look ahead.

"I mean that in the very best way, Eric. Masaya ako. That's what matters."

"Sure," I simply answer.

She turns her back on the railings which gives me a small heart attack. "Eric, I—"

"Please don't turn your back on the nice view," palusot ko. Honestly, I don't feel comfortable of her position. She's facing away from the danger zone and I hate it when she's not on the safe side. But knowing Ariel...

"Please tell me this isn't about you being OC," she says in dismay.

"No. Actually this is about me, being careful. Face the railings, Ariel. Pati ba naman 'to pag-aawayan din natin? Oh Jesus, Ariel, why can't you just face the railings?" I reprimand, trying my best to stay calm when I'm anything but. My last rhetorical question is actually a tad louder than the rest so I guess she's getting my fvcking point now. If I'm going to die tonight, that's not because of falling from a rooftop. It's because of high blood pressure due to Ariel's rare stupidity and carelessness.

Finally, she obeys. Obeys. That's Ariel being kind. And she's not usually kind. I guess she's sort of tired to argue now. And this is not one of those freaking times when I want her to argue. "I get it, Eric. You're overthinking again," she says.

"Ariel, when it comes to your safety, please never question my gestures. I just simply need you out of harm. Hindi mo ba makuha 'yon?"

"Really, I get it," she repeats in a serious tone.

I stare at her. She's not flinching or anything. In fact, I can't decypher a damn expression on her face. Fvck it. Lately, she's been doing a great job at being impassive.

She stares ahead. "I love you, Eric. Isn't that enough?"

"Isn't that... What?" I grunt in disbelief, looking at her. "Should I really be the one to answer that? To be asked if love is enough?" I run both hands through my damp hair. "Ariel, you've been acting weird lately. You've been different. I want to, so much, understand you. But you're not telling me a single fvcking thing and I hate it when you do that. How do you even... Ugh." I draw my fist hard on the barrier and the incessant jangle of my platinum wristwatch hits the metal railings. I feel my hand turning numb. Why am I suddenly losing my temper? "It makes me feel stupid about myself. I HATE FEELING STUPID, ARIEL. I deserve to know what you feel. Now you're asking me if... If..." I growl inwardly with burning frustration and walk two steps away, only to walk back closer again. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm like a lovesick bastard who doesn't even know himself anymore. "Screw it. Good night, Ariel. And don't do anything stupid because we both know I can do something even crazier."

Not hearing her footsteps following me is actually stabbing sharp pins through my chest, to my heart. If I have one. What if she really does have something stupid going on in her mind?

Damn it, Ariel. For the nth time taking my pride for granted, I walk back to her and grumpily grab her arm. She's not snatching her arm away so I keep my tight grip. We all know that I can't just leave her there.

Tahimik kami sa elevator and I'm not even looking at her direction on our reflection. And the fvcking elevator feels like eternity to reach our floor because it seems to open in almost all the floors it passes. You wanna fvcking know why? BECAUSE I FVCKING FORGOT TO PUNCH IN OUR FLOOR NUMBER, THAT'S WHY. Great damned timing. Kung minsan, nakakamiss ang maging OC na nasanay ka sa lahat ng routine. Like this fvcking instant na kung naging aware ako, sana the first thing I did when we got in was to punch in the damned numbers. HOW STUPID. Now we have to wait for the elevetor to get back up to our floor.

Seconds pass and we're still as quiet until I decide to say, "Talk to me."

At first, I doubt she's going to talk. But when all hell breaks loose, you can imagine how as quiet as a potato I've become.

"You're holding me this tight, just to make sure I'm safe or I'm not gonna do anything stupid," she says. "And you wanted to know how I feel. Now, let go."

Without saying a word, I slowly let go of her arm. She's not going anywhere, anyway. We're in the elevator, for chrissakes.

"This," she shows me her arm with a heavy red mark because of my grip, "is how I feel."

I stare at her arm, without anything to say. I feel guilty. I wanna ask if it hurts but it's too stupid to ask after insensitively leaving her that mark... Wait.

She said this is how she feels. She referenced this mark as my way of watching out. Does this mean I'm hurting her by being cautious? Am I hurting her by being protective? Does she feel suffocated of my presence? OH GOD, NO.

"You can be very sure how safe I am, Eric. But you'll never know how painful it feels until you let go for a short while and take a good look. Noong bata ako, tinuro sa'kin ng mga kuya ko kung paano mag-alaga ng ibon and it's a golden Filipino lesson, tell you that."

As she says this, we let the elevator sweep every floor for passengers but no one comes in. I have to remember that it was me who pressed all floors earlier when I went to the rooftop only to find out that the numbers won't go off by pressing them twice. So I pressed HOLD earlier to make sure it waits for us to get down. I don't give a fvck if someone needed to use it. And we're talking about more than twenty-five floors. Goodness gracious.

She goes on. "You hold it too tight, the bird will die. You keep it loose, it will fly away." She turns to face me and I give her back the same blank expression she's giving me right now. "I want you to treat me like how you would a bird, Eric. I can easily die of too much grip, metaphorically speaking, but I still want those OC arms around me. I want you to keep on holding me, but don't suffocate me."

I don't answer. I stare at her, not giving a hint away by being impassive. I'm hurt, alright. But it doesn't mean she has to know. I'm fvkcking hurt. Oh, God, why.

"You see this mark?" She shows me her arm again but I keep my eyes focused on her. "This is what I get by letting you hold me, that tight, for not so long. Not even longer than five minutes, maybe. It hurts now, imagine how a lifetime would feel."

I gulp loudly, apparently still not having anything fine to say. What the hell is this feeling? I feel a large hole in my chest. I... I feel... I don't know, I feel like crying, maybe? What the actual fvck, right?

"Tonight, I want to sleep at my brothers'. I'm not asking persmission, Eric. I'm letting you know of this decision I came up with. I don't need you to say 'yes' or 'no', I just want you to know. And we need to have a little space in between so we'd know how it feels like if we suffocate one another because we'll eventually end up breaking. Hey, I don't want this to end."

Just as she says that, the elevator pings again and it's late before I realize that we're on the Ground Floor.

"Good night, Eric. And don't do anything stupid," she says as she mimicks the way I was telling her the same thing, planting a soft kiss on my lips before she continues with, "...because we both know what you're capable of."

No, I don't have my eyes after her. I HAVE MY FREAKING EYES IN TEARS AS I STARE AT THE SPACE SHE EMPTIED. Did she just break up on me? No, fvck no. She didn't say that but it feels almost close. What the hell just happened? Last time I checked, I was having a good day. I made amends with her brother. I apologized to my parents for everything I did wrong. I was nice to my brothers this evening. Again, what the fvck happened? Was it something she ate? Or something she drank? This is not just about the rooftop issue, is it?

I suddenly feel sick to the gut. Did I miss anything? Am I slowly slipping away from awareness? Was it something I said or something I didn't? Oh God, what's wrong with me?

"It hurts now, imagine how a lifetime would feel."

"It hurts now, imagine how a lifetime would feel."

"It hurts now, imagine how a lifetime would feel."

This line repeats like a fvcking broken record in my head. I stay up all night, wondering what went wrong. Mababaliw na lang ako kakaisip kung may nagawa ba ako o ano pero wala talaga. If this is about Aurora, I'm sure she'd tell me. Wala naman akong ginagawang kasalanan and I'm damned sure of that. I start typing messages to send to her...

To: +639158881112 (AAA. My Little Mermaid)

What's wrong? (Deleted)

To: +639158881112 (AAA. My Little Mermaid)

I'm sorry. What did I do? (Deleted)

To: +639158881112 (AAA. My Little Mermaid)

Call me ASAP. (Delete)

To: +639158881112 (AAA. My Little Mermaid)

I'll jump off this building. (Deleted)

To: +639158881112 (AAA. My Little Mermaid)

WHY WON'T YOU TURN ON YOUR DAMNED PHONE?! (Deleted)

To: +639158881112 (AAA. My Little Mermaid)

Ariel, please, come home. (Deleted)

To: +639158881112 (AAA. My Little Mermaid)

Oh God. I'm sweating through my eyes. (Deleted)

To: +639158881112 (AAA. My Little Mermaid)

I love you. (Saved as draft)

Frustrated, I cover my face with a pillow and scream at the top of my lungs. I end up with another message...

To: +639176561111 (A. Jack Ervin Fuentebella)

Is this okay? I mean, I'll be home first thing in the morning. (Sent)

I don't know why I feel like going home to my family. I can't even believe that I'm asking if it's okay. It's not long before I receive a message from Cash...

From: +639176561111

You're always welcome home, bro. See you! — (A. Jack Ervin Fuentebella)

So the next morning, after having a troubled sleep (which is by the way fot dreaming about the collaboration of my first suicidal attempt in Magsaysay except that it was successful, and continuing to that moment where Ariel left me in that damned elevator last night), I go straight to McKinley as early as 7am.

"Where's Cash?" I ask one of the maids.

"Nasa usual Sunday mass ang kapatid mo," Mama says, walking down the staircase. I kiss her cheek and she hugs me, smiling. "Hindi ka pa nasanay diyan kay Cash, every Sunday namang nasa simbahan 'yan kasama 'yung bestfriend niya."

"Well, I've never been home in here this early since the medieval period, so I had no idea. Nandiyan pa ba sila Jace?"

As if on cue... "Na-receive ko text mo. Ano, shall we?" We look up to see Jace walking down, too. "Nag-breakfast ka na ba? Maliligo pa ako, e. Tulog pa din si Gwi-Yomi."

"I'm not hungry for breakfast..." I start saying then I see that sad look on my mother's face and change my mind that instant. "On the second thought, kumain na lang muna tayo dito and wait for Cash. A mass should only take an hour or so, right?"

Nagtataka man ay nagkatinginan ang Mama at si Jace and they both shrug, grinning. I know. Whatever happened to the grumpy old monster that is me?