Over the Mountain

CHAPTER 25: SLUT

CHAPTER 25: SLUT

I massaged my nape after I finished my assignment and then I check my phone. I winces when I saw that it was already past eight! I quickly fix my notes before I run to the bathroom to take a bath for tonight, I will go to a party! Yes, for years, the party has been my buddy and I always love the groove there. But even though I party every night, drink, and smoke, I still top my class and achieved good grades. Because if I fail that aspect, Dad and Mom will carry me back to that place. Which I don’t like. And I will never like it.

Simpleng denim na pantalon lamang ang isinuot ko na siya namang pinarisan ko ng sleeveless top at tsaka ko pinatungan ng denim jacket. I wore my white sneakers and let my hair fall. Nang maayos na ang itsura ko ay dali-dali na akong nagpunta sa silid ni Levi. Pagdating ko doon ay handa na rin siya. She throws her red lipstick on me that I quickly catch. Naglakad ako patungo sa vanity mirror niya at doon naglagay ng lipstick. I pluck my lips and smirks right away.

“Ilang lalaki nanaman ang tutuklawin mo ngayong gabi?” tanong ni Levi habang pasakay kami sa kotse kung saan naghihintay na si Kuya Carlo.

“Huwag mo akong tanungin na animo’y literal akong nanunuklaw ng lalaki,”

“Eh, ano na lang? Namimingwit?”

“Hindi rin,” saad. “Those words were like describing me picking a boy. In short, those words were describing me like a slut. Which is not,”

Totoo naman. Hindi naman ako ganoon. They always tease when whenever we go in the club, a lot of guys my age, younger my age or older than my ages flirt with me. I don’t flirt back but I just casually talk to them. Pagkatapos sa isa ay mayroon nanaman susunod. And those boys always treat us just to impress me. But it never works. Hindi ko alam but it never works.

I always go to the club to divert my attention. I always go to the club to live my new lifestyle. I always go to the club to embrace my new atmosphere. But there were sometimes when even I am in the club, my mind still flies somewhere. Somewhere I don’t want to remember.

Bakit ba ganoon? Kung kailan pilit mong pinipigilan, kung kailan pilit mong kinakalimutan ay tsaka naman kay hirap gawin? I have been living here for years but the memory of that place is still fresh in my mind? Paano ko ba kakalimutan iyon? I silently curse. Sana ay makalimutan ko na ang lugar na iyon. Sana ay makalimutan ko na ang mga taong naging parte ng buhay ko doon. Lalo na siya. O god, please let me forget my life there.

“Why don’t you try to have a make-out now?” Anne asks me.

“Make out?” I repeated.

She nodded. “Ang daming gwapong lalaki ang nakapila para matikman ang labi mo. O kahit ang balat mo lang,”

“That’s a big no,”

“Why? Don’t be a kill joy. Sige na. Pili ka at sila na ang bahalang magbayad sa silid,” sabay ngisi niya. “Hindi ka na rin naman menor de edad. You are already nineteen!”

“Kahit pa bente na ako, it’s still a no,” matatag na sabi ko. “And don’t push me on something I don’t like,” I warned her that made her shut.

Aminado ako sa sarili kong mali na ang ginawa ko noong oras na sumama ako at magpunta sa lugar na ganito. Aminado akong mali na ako noong unang tumikim ako ng alak. Aminado akong mali na ako noong unang beses kong humithit ng sigarilyo. I am lying to my parents. I am hiding the truth to them. I am misbehaving. Hindi ako nakinig sa bilin Dad. Pero wala na akong magawa dahil hinahanap-hanap na nang sistema ko. But that make out? That hotel thing? It’s a big no.

Hindi ko ipagkakaloob ang sarili ko para lamang sa panandaliang sama. Hindi ko babastuhin ang sarili ko dahil alam ko ang halaga. Tama na iyong nabastos ko ang sarili ko sa ibang aspeto. Pero hinding-hindi sa bagay na iyon. I don’t and I won’t. Hindi ko maatim gawin.

“Hey, Sielan,” untag ng isang lalaki habang nasa bar counter ako.

“Hmm?”

The guy licks his lip. He is somehow handsome and tall. “It is really true that you are beautiful,” he commented so I only nod. “You want to dance?”

“With you?” I sarcastically ask.

“Yes. Don’t worry, I’m a good dancer,” he then licks his lip again and without noticing my sarcasm.

“But I don’t want to dive in the crowd,” I said.

“Do you want to just dance here?” he insisted. Very determined to dance with me.

“You don’t have a girlfriend?” I assure.

“I’m all way good,” he confidently answered.

“I still don’t want to dance yet,” I’m lazy so I don’t want to dance.

The guy made himself comfortable as he sits close to me. He orders another shot of rum for me and for him. He then leans closer to smell me. I casually talk to him, but the guys keep on licking his lip. I know what it means but he won’t be able to have it. For years, guys have been luring me to their pants, but no one ever succeeded. There have been a lot of rumors about me kissing random guys or different guys every night in the club, but I just ignore it. I know that those guys who failed to win just want to boost their ego, so they are spreading those rumors. And a lot of people believe it right away.

We were casually talking while the guy still seating close to mine when suddenly, someone pulls my hair. That literally hurts and it made my blood boil. I almost fall to my chair because of how hard the pull was. Good thing I have a long leg, so I manage to keep my stand. When I turn around, I immediately saw who did that to me and it was no other than Kelly—the same girl I dislike on my first day of school.

I hold her hand tightly that is holding my hair and my grip on her made her loosen her grip. Napangiwi siya sa sakit ng kamay dahil sa mahigpit na paghawak ko sa kaniya.

“Slut! Nauubusan ka na ba ng lalaki at pati may girlfriend ay papatulan mo na!?” tanong niya kaya ay napalingon sa lalaking katabi ko kanina. Mabilis naman niyang dinaluhan si Kelly. “Masyado ka na bang makati para pumatol sa may shot ana!? Uhaw ka sa lalaki! Malandi!”

“Tanga ka ba o bobo lang talaga?” kalmado kong tanong na nagpatikom sa kaniya. “Iyang sinasabi mong shota mo ang unang lumapit sa akin. I ask him if he have a girlfriend, but he answered me, I’m all way good,” panggagaya ko sa sagot ng lalaki. “At mahiya ka, Kelly. Hindi ako papatol sa kahit sino lang na lalaki o sa kahit sinong lalaki na makikilala ko rito. Huwag mong ipasa sa akin ang madumi mong titulo,” matalim na sabi ko bago ko ibuhos sa pagmumukha nila ng kaniyang shota ang rum na order din nito mismo.

I walk away in the scene proudly. Chined up and queenly feels. I never look down at myself. I just once did that. Once. But it’s because I was fool enough to believe that someone will love me the way I love him. But it will never happen again. I will never look down at myself.

Wala na ako sa mood kaya naman ay mabilis na akong lumaba sa club na iyon. Nagpaalam na lang ako kay Kuya Carlo at Levi sa pamamagitan ng text. Nagtaxi na ako pauwi dahil mas gusto ko na lamang matulog sa silid ko. Not that I was hurt with Kelly’s word. But because…because I still hold to his word. That I am worth it. I am preciously valuable. Napapikit na lang ako at isang munting luha ang kumala. Iyon ang bagay na palagi na lang tumutunog sa aking isipan sa tuwing handa na akong sumubok ng ibang tukso. Palagi na lang iyong nagpapantig sa aking isipan at kusa na lamang akong pinapa-daga. In the end, I always back out.

“Bakit ba narito ka pa rin sa isipan at puso ko, Leo? Bakit hindi ka mawala-wala? Ganoon ba kalalim ang naging pagmamahal ko sa’yo? Na kahit pilit kitang kalimutan ay hindi ko magawa?” tanong ko sa sarili ko habang nakatingin sa kisame ng aking silid. “Bakit hindi mo na lang lisanin ang isip at puso ko, Leo?” sabay pahid ng aking luha. “I want to forget you. I badly want to forget you. Nang mapanindigan ko na ang pina-paratang nilang malandi ako,”