After My Death Tomorrow

Episode 9

"Vaeden!" I shouted, with a soft yet controlled voice.

Lumingon siya papunta sa direksyon ko. Holding his coke, he eyed me with full of curiosity. Siguro ay nagtataka siya kung bakit ko siya tinatawag. Sa ilang taon kasi naming magkakilala ay never talaga akong nag-initiate ng pag-uusap sa kanya.

Lumakad ako papunta sa kanya, with my breath getting heavy. "Okay ka lang ba? I mean-- may problema ka ba?" On my mind, I am slapping myself for stuttering. This is not just the right time for that!

"Hmm." He started with his hand locking the bottle of his coke. "I am . . . fine. Bakit mo naman natanong?" His voice tasted more of a spaghetti that's lacking with sauce, it is unbearably different from what it should be. It's just too unreal to absorb.

I laugh, and I am afraid that it might sound fake to him even if it really is. "Your look are denying your words."

"What are you now, a mind reader?" He smiled, still with a hidden hint of sadness.

"Am just a girl that care for his dumb classmate." I laugh again. Awkwardly. "Come on."

He pursed his lips. Tila bang tinitimbang kung ano ang mas mainam, ang sabihin ba niya ang kanyang problema o ang manahimik na lang? Clearly, I won't let him choose the latter. If I have to use force for him to choose the former, I will really do it.

"Can we talk?" I pushed.

"With what--"

I didn't let him finish. I pull his arms without hesitations. Hindi siya nakapalag. Hindi ko rin alam kung saan nang-gagaling ang aking lakas upang walang effort na mahila itong maskuladong lalaki na ito.

Indeedly, gone are the days where the anti-social me are existing within me.

Hinigit ko siya papunta sa isang bakanteng lote. This lot is the parking lot of the church on this town. Right now, we are standing in the middle of it. The center of the sea of silence and my hopes building my goal up with an only option of suceeding. With the mild cold breeze hugging our arms. Above the countless of stars and the moon who are cheering me to keep my eyes on the goal.

"Are you going to molest me or something? Because if you are, I really won't mind." He giggle, revealing his true jolly and playful self. His attractive smile and sharp jaw are glowing as it being succumbed by the only headlight standing on our side.

I rolled my eyes and scowl at him.

"Okay." He acted as if composing himself. Pero ang totoo naman ay natatawa pa rin ang gagong 'yan. "So, ano nga?"

I put my feet together and look at him straightly on his eyes. I tried hard to avoid myself from biting my nails. Iyon kasi ang lagi kong ginagawa kapag kinakabahan ako. "This is about . . . Marco."

Tila bang natigilan siya sa sinabi ko. Kitang-kita ang pagkabigla sa kanyang ilang beses na pagkurap ng mga mata. Ganoon na rin ang pag-awang ng kanyang bibig. Hindi niya talaga inasahan ang binuksan ko.

"What's about him?" His tone is more of denying his crime rather than a question.

"I am not dumb to not notice it. Nilalayuan mo siya."

"I'm not. Maybe, I am just busy. You know, with girls?" He smiled, fakely. As expected, his last resort is to be playful. But his playfulness right now doesn't cope up with the situation of his emotions. Right now, he looks like suffering in chaos but is too pity to admit that he is currently doomed.

"Ano bang problema? May nagawa ba siya sa 'yo?" Bumuntong hininga ako. Ready to push him beyond his limits. "This is just me. You can tell it to me. Baka matulungan kita."

He open his mouth for a moment, then close it again. Para bang may mga salita siyang iluluwa na muling nilunok. "Wala nga." He laughed. Again, artificially. "What's with you now? Nasaan na 'yung Margot na masungit? 'Yung walang pakialam?"

She's gone.

Because she have to.

Because I have to.

Because if I don't, one innocent life will be gone. And I won't let that happen.

"Just tell me." I push again. "It's . . . just bothering me."

He observed my face. I hope, my face comes naturally genuine. Nakita ko pang umalon ang kanyang adam's apple bago siya nag-iwas ng tingin mula sa akin. I confirmed that my face does look genuine when I heard him sigh. He sounds like giving up.

"Okay. Dahil mapilit ka, sige."

My face lit up. "Talaga?"

He smiled without his teeth and nod. His eyes are mirroring his condition. He is tired of all this s**t. I can sense. Then he sat on the concrete floor. He pat his side, motioning me to do the same. I did what I'm told.

Noong makaupo na ako ay humarap ako sa kanya. Taimtim na naghihintay sa kanyang sasabihin. Habang siya naman ay nakatingin lang sa madilim na langit, tila bang doon makikita ang mga salita na makakatulong sa kanya sa mga sasabihin niya sa akin ngayon.

"Violet Baltazar." He started, "That was the name of the girl who changed me. That girl is prolly one of the most important event of my life. She is the closest in heaven that I've ever encountered."

I may not be classmates with Violet, I still know the whole her. She was loved by everyone. Hindi lang dahil sa kagandahan niya, but also because of her demeanor. She's an angel in disguise. With her hobby of sharing God's words to others, she really does.

There is this one moment na in-invite niya ako sa kanilang cell group. Kahit sinungitan ko siya noong una ay hindi niya iyon ininda. Bagkus ay mas pinilit niya pa ako. Kaya wala akong nagawa. And there, I was amazed by the way how she spoke the words of God, it's with full gentle conviction and comprehensible tone. The job really suit her. She is an ace to that field.

"And . . . I am madly inlove with her. She brought the best in me, gracefully. She have taught me too many things and it's to be faithful. To be worthwhile. To be someone I would be proud of in the future."

Oh . . .

Hindi ko ito alam-- well, not that I should care. Wala naman talaga akong pakialam sa mga nakapaligid sa akin . . . dati.

Kaya pala bigla na lang tumigil ang isang ito sa pambababae. Noong early days kasi ng Senior Year namin, napaka-babaero niyan. Iyong tipong nakakainis na 'yung kalandian. Pero dahil gwapo, gustong-gusto naman ng ibang mga babae. Bilang na bilang lang talaga kaming naiinis sa kanya.

So, Violet was the reason why he changed for the better?

Shit.

Now, I am starting to get where is he coming from.

"You know the feeling of getting the light only to be brought to the darkness again?"

Yes, Vaeden. Yes.

I felt it for Marco.

He got the limelight. Nakuha niya iyong gusto niya. Iyong makilala ng karamihan. Iyong maging sikat sa mga tao. But because of one event. Just one event. Bura lahat. Lahat-lahat, kinalimutan siya. Just like that, he was brought back to the darkness. With nothing but the painful possibility of not getting the light back again.

Yes, Vaeden.

I know that feeling.

"Violet brought the light in me but I was pulled again to the darkness because of her death."

Napalunok ako. Our definitions of that feeling are different.

Gusto kong mag-salita. Gusto kong kontrahin iyong sinabi niya. Kasi sa mundo naman, lahat ay may posibilidad na maging madilim. You gotta just build the light in you. Kasi people will leave-- people will try to take or steal your light, but as a long as you know how to reproduce it through self love, you are on the right track.

'Wag mong i-depende ang sarili mo sa iba. Kasi sa mundo, sarili mo lang ang pinakamatibay mong kakampi. Lahat mawawala, but as long as you have you, you are always the strongest version of you that you could ever be.

Ang hirap niyang intindihin.

Well, that's just me.

Siguro, anti-social lang talaga kasi ako. Kaya hindi ko maintindihan. Kaya komplikadong pakinggan.

"And that's because of Marco's father. He is a f*****g bullshit who killed the light in me; who killed the only reason for me to be better-- to be someone I would be proud of in the future. That f*****g form of a rotten animal put a painful end on my life when he ended Violet's life."

Garalgal na ang kangyang boses. Nahahawa ako. I found myself cascading a tear down my jaw.

Ngayon, naiintindihan ko na kung saan siya nanggagaling. Kung bakit ganito siya. Kung bakit lumayo siya.

Pero, may mali.

May mali pa rin.

"But, Marco is not what his father's crime." I heave a sigh, "Magkaiba sila. He is more than what happened to his father. Most especially, he is your best friend."

"I know it, but I can never be friends with him anymore. Kapag nakikita ko siya, he only reminds me of his father. Kinakain ako ng galit. Gusto ko siyang saktan. Gusto kong siya ang balikan ko. Kasi wala eh, wala akong magawa. Wala akong masisi. Wala akong mapagbuntunan ng sama ng loob. Kasi iyong demonyong ama niya, nasa impyerno na."

"Parang ang unfair naman yata, Vaeden. Bakit sa kanya mo isisisi ang bagay na hindi naman niya kasalanan?" I equal the tension on his eyes.

"Because he is the son."

"Still, not a good reason for that invalid anger of you to him." I snap.

He stared at me, with his tears now brimming down his cheeks. He looked like in dreadful pain. "Hindi mo ako maintindihan kasi wala ka sa kalagayan ko. Hindi mo nararamdaman iyong sakit ko. Hindi mo danas iyong nakakamatay na kirot sa dibdib ko."

Napalunok ako.

Baka nga.

Baka nga ako ang mali.

Mali nga sigurong i-pagpilitan ko ang ayaw niya.

Pero may mali pa rin siya. Mali iyong kay Marco niya isisi ang lahat. Iyong para bang si Marco ang kriminal. Iyong si Marco ang dapat na magbayad ng utang ng kanyang ama dahil siya 'yung nandiyan. Dahil siya iyong buhay pa. So, anong balak niya? Mamatay muna si Marco bago siya matauhan?

"Gusto mo bang mamatay din si Marco para makaganti ka sa ama niya?"

He looked away. "I don't know." He stuttered.

I widened my eyes. I don't see that coming. "Seryoso ka ba? Hindi mo alam-- bakit hindi mo alam?" May halong iritasyon ang aking tono.

"Margot," he began, looking like he is too tired for an argument. "I am just not on the right mind to think clearly."

"Vaeden, I really hope that you don't do something stupid. Malaki ka na." I failed to take a deep breath, I know I'll regret not doing it . . . soon.

"I really hope that you stop being a baby. You should not hold your sadness against your best friend. Your innocent best friend who is going through something hard!" Dire-diretso kong sambit. Nagpantig na kasi ang mga tainga ko. Hindi na ako nakapili pa ng mga tamang salita na pwedeng ilabas. Hindi ko na rin napansin ang biglaang pagtaas ng tono ko.

Natigilan siya. Then a moment after, his eyes began to flash deadly rage. And I was intimidated by it all of a sudden.

"Siya lang ba? Siya lang ba ang nahihirapan? Siya lang ba ang nasasaktan?" His tone is dangerous.

"But your pain is not an avenue to harm others. Just because you are in pain, doesn't mean others have to feel the same way too." Came by my small voice. Hindi ko kayang tagalan ang pagtitig sa kanyang mga mata. "Most specially, those who are really not deserving to take the bullet that you are shooting without even thinking at all."

Bumuntong hininga ako. "Vaeden, alam kong nasasaktan ka." Lumunok ako. Trying to swallow the bile that is currently rising from my throat. "Pero hindi iyon rason para saktan mo si Marco--"

"Ano bang pakialam mo?" He fired without me expecting for it. Now, with more intimidating and sharper tone. "You only care about your grades! Why not do it now, Margot? Why not mind your own f*****g business now?!"

I blink.

Suddenly, I don't know what to say.

Words seem to leave my mouth.

I want to say that I care because it's Marco's life that we are talking about here. May nakasalalay na buhay sa bawat pagkakamali niya. Isang mali, isang pag-sisisi. I just don't want to regret a thing. Ayokong magsisisi sa buong buhay ko.

Pero . . . hindi ko alam kung bakit wala akong masabi.

I just found myself there, sitting beside him, looking like my coward future self. Now, I regret everything I did tonight. I should've not let him get on my nerves. Ngayon, hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Blanko. Blanko ang utak ko.

He stood up and I absentmindedly joined him. He is about to leave when I grab ahold of his arms. But he is too powerful to jerk it away.

When he left, I was just staring there at him walking away from me. With my hopes deteriorated. My hearts savoring my bitter defeat. And my mind starting to feel the storm of my own disastrous failure.

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Author's Note: Thoughts about the current flow of the story? I wanna know it!