Every Sunset was Once a Sunrise

12 : Dream

That was our first and last argument until I graduated high school and finally be able to attend the same university as him. At kung ano man ang naituro sa akin ng higit kumulang dalawang taong iyon, ay marahil ang maging pasensyosa at magtiwala. And that communication without being open with one another's feelings and honest thoughts is futile. So Raf and I decided to never read between each other's lines. Kung may gustong sabihin ay diretsahin, lalo na kung may kinikimkim na sama ng loob o naiisip na pagdududa. We argue about little things from time to time but it never turned into something big.

I get to meet his sister and niece during weekends and breaks, within my senior year. We’re with them mostly on summers because Raf spent those breaks here with his mom.

“What’s your name, baby?” Pinisil ko ang maliliit na daliri ng pamangkin niyang nakahawak sa kamay ko, habang nakatalungko ako sa harap nito.

“What’s your name daw?” Raf inquired while smiling at his three year old niece who’s sitting on a small wooden chair in front of us. She tried uttering a word but it ended up muffled. “Hmn? What’s that again?”

“Na-nie!” mas malinaw nitong bulalas muli habang pumapapak ng biskwit sa isang kamay.

Chuckling, Raf glance at me then said, “She meant to say Ranie.”

I can’t help but smile when she turned to me, eyes are a pair of innocent curiosity. Muli kong pinisil nang marahan ang maliliit at malalambot nitong daliri. “Hello, Ranie!”

She just continued staring at me, still biting on her biscuit while chewing. Her cheeks are round with a touch of natural blush, like it was screaming to say pinch me.

“Nu want?”

Nagkatinginan kami ni Raf at sabay na natawa nang imaniobra sa akin ni Ranie ang hawak na biskwit. Hinalikan ni Raf ang pisngi ng pamangkin sabay sinabing, “Why not give Ate Lew a kiss instead?”

Mula sa pagtingin kay Raf ay bumaling ito sa akin. Her biscuit stained lips immediately stretched for a pucker with arms extending towards my direction.

She’s so cute I can’t contain it!

Pagkalapit ko ng mukha sa kaniya’y sinapo niya ito ng maliit niyang palad. She kissed my cheek and I couldn’t seem to control the smile on my face.

Ranie and her uncle giggled at me. Itinawa ko na lang rin ang mga naiwang mugmog ng biskwit sa pisngi na siyang pinalis ni Raf.

I felt something tugged inside of me. Something I’ve never felt before. Something warm. Something I never thought to be a part of a future that I want.

“Lew, may welcome party para sa mga freshmen sa college natin mamaya, you in?” It was Denise, my block mate, who asked me this.

“Sure!”

“'Yon! Do you drink though?” Jake, another block mate asked.

“'Course, who doesn't?” kaswal kong kibit-balikat.

Some of my guys block mate’s hoots and whistles resounded right after. Do I look like an angel to them or something?

“I see,” pangisi-ngising ani Jake. Ang tingin nito’y nagtagal pa sa akin ng ilang sandali.

Napailing na lang ako sa mga ito bago nagtipa ng text para kay Raf.

You:

Welcome party later for the freshies. Just letting you know :)

Ibabalik ko na sana ang phone sa bag ng mag-beep ito para sa isang text.

RaFiend:

Enjoy the party. Wag magpaka-wasted

Text me whenever you're done, hatid kita pauwi

His dad bought him a car just recently. Ayaw pa nga niyang tanggapin noong una. But then, he just ended up promising his dad to pay it when he can earn money on his own. Look at this guy. It’s in those small things that make me like him even more.

You:

Yes po, kuya. Hahaha

RaFiend:

Behave, Lewis

You:

I ain't a dog, Raf

RaFiend:

Beware of guys. Drunk or not, mapanganib sila

Ang tawa ko lang sa huling text niya. Heto na naman siya. He's being protective of me like I'm that innocent. Para namang hindi ko alam iyon.

You:

How 'bout you? You’re a fiend but you don't seem dangerous to me

RaFiend:

That's because I care for you, silly. Guys who doesn't care for a girl can violate her anytime. Remember that

Pagkatapos mag-freshen up kasama ng mga block mates kong babae ay sabay-sabay kaming pumunta sa resto kung saan gaganapin ang welcome party.

It was a small meat party hosted by our college org staffs. They were all welcoming and friendly, nang isa-isang nagpakilala kaming mga freshmen. Some of them even clapped in festivity after I introduced myself and tell them what course I'm taking.

The party started at seven and we started drinking around eight. Some of them even made a prod dance, na siyang dahilan ng pagkaka-hyper ng karamihan. It was fun indeed. Lalo na nang may senior na nag-lap dance kay Pres. Panay ang tilian namin samantalang puros kantyawan at hiyawan ang mga boys.

Hindi ko na napansin ang paglipas ng oras dahil sa kasiyahan. Pagbalik ko ng upuan at naramdaman ang pag-vibrate ng phone sa bag, dahil sa isang tawag, ay ‘tsaka ko pa lamang nakita ang oras. And to my surprise, it was already quarter to ten.

Lumabas ako sandali ng resto para sagutin ang tawag ni Raf dahil maingay sa loob. Noon ko lamang din naramdaman ang bahagyang pagkakahilo, nang muntikan pa akong natisod sa baitang pababa ng pinto.

“Lewis, you okay?” si Jake iyon, nasa tapat ng resto at may hawak na vape. His arms are a bit extended, as if he was about to catch me but stopped upon seeing me regained my balance.

“Okay.” I smiled as I gave him an okay sign.

“Uwi ka na ba? Gusto mo hatid kita?” Pagkasinghap sa hawak na vape ay ibinuga niya ang usok niyon sa kabilang direksyon, bago ngumisi sa akin. “Mukhang lasing ka na eh.”

Umiling lang ako sa kaniya bago pinagtuunan ng pansin ang phone. Tipong sasagutin ko na sana ang tawag ni Raf ngunit napataas na lang ang magkabila kong kilay, matapos makitang active na ang line kanina pa.

I giggled as I put it on my ear. “Heeeey, why you callin’?”

“You're drunk. Who's that boy with you?” Seryoso ang boses niya mula sa kabilang linya. He sounds calm though. Not angry or anything.

“Drunk who? I'm not!” medyo defensive ko itong nasabi. Hindi ko na makontrol ang sarili. Maybe I was a little drunk after all.

“Lew, who's with you?” he pressed.

“Hmn?” Napasulyap pa ako sa nagvi-vape na si Jake na pangisi-ngisi lang sa isang tabi. “My block mate?” Tumawa ako kahit wala namang nakakatawa.

“You done?”

“It was really fun! But… I'm exhausted…” bahagya pa akong nalungkot sa pag-amin nito.

“I'm on my way.” Then he hung up.

“Was that your dad?” Jake asked.

Natawa naman ako roon. “Boyfriend,” I corrected.

“Oh.” Ngumisi siya habang nagbubuga ng usok. “Figures. It’s a shame though.” Sabay iling.

True enough, Raf came a few minutes after. He was wearing a dark green bomber jacket with some patches on it and a plain white shirt underneath. Dark jeans paired with a black chuck.

“Rafiele!” maligaya ko agad siyang sinalubong ng yakap.

Gulat man ay sinalo naman niya ako, wrapping his sturdy arms around me. Mula sa pagyakap ay yumuko siya ng bahagya upang dungawin ang mukha ko sa dibdib niya. “Did you wait long? Sana sa loob mo na ako hinintay.”

“Gusto lang kitang makita agad.” I smiled sweetly as I buried my face more on his chest, hugging him tight. He smells nice and everything just like how the way I wanted it.

Dahan-dahan siyang suminghap habang marahang hinahaplos ang likod ng ulo ko. Ako nama’y mabilis inatake ng antok nang maging kumportable sa presensiya at init niya.

“Looks like you really had fun,” he croaked while laughing under his breath, ang pag-uga ng dibdib niya’y ramdam ko. “Uwi na kita sa inyo, baka mamaya magbago pa isip ko at sa ibang bahay kita maiuwi.”

Tulog ako sa byahe pauwi. Ni hindi ko na rin maalala kung ano ang nangyari pagkatapos. Raf assured me though that he'd done the explaining with my parents. At dahil malaki ang tiwala nila sa kaniya, they let me off the hook. Isa pa, hindi rin naman nila ako matitiis. Lalo na si Dad.

You:

My head is killing me.

Montanga:

You had your freshies welcome party yesterday too?

Had a blast? Alak paaaaa hahaha

You:

Bakit di ka nag-inom? Yung totoo ha

Montanga:

Just so you know my friend, I am but a good girl… at least until last night hehe

You:

Hmn?

And what’s up with last night?

Montanga:

Hehe

There's this cute guy on my college

Nagulat pa ako ng sinabi niyang kilala niya tayo. Apparently, he's a former schoolmate. Ka-batch ni Raf

You:

Talaga? Lumalandi ka nanaman

Hahaha good girl my ass

Mapagpanggap!

Montanga:

Something I get from you! Hahaha!

You:

What's he called?

Montanga:

Jeremy. Ring a bell?

You:

Common name. But no

Montanga:

Pero ang cute niya talaga di parin ako maka-move on! Hehehe

You:

Kwento ka maya tawag ako

Idlip muna ko sakit ulo ko

Bibitiwan ko na sana ang phone ng muli itong mag-notif para sa isang message.

Unknown number:

Hey. Our last subject is cancelled. May conference prof natin

Just letting you know since you aren’t in our block’s gc yet. Hindi namin makita account mo actually

Mind giving it to me so I could add you there?

You:

Uh, sorry who’s this?

Unknown number:

My bad. This is Jake :)

I gave him my account and thanked him for the trouble. He’s pretty nice to reach out to me, given that he’s not our block’s president or anything with a position to be responsible to do so.

May kalayuan ang university sa amin kaya't nakiusap ako kina Mommy na mag-apartment. Mon's up to it too. But of course, hindi ako pinayagan ni Mommy dahil sa tanang buhay ko'y hindi pa ako nawalay sa kanila and as per her, wala raw akong alam sa pamumuhay mag-isa. Although Dad was okay with it.

“Mon will be with me, Mom. Hindi naman ako mag-isa!”

“’Yon naman pala.” Dad gave me a knowing look. Palihim lamang akong ngumiti.

“Yes and Monica will cook, clean and wash your clothes for you? Lewy, she's not your yaya!”

Dad cleared his throat and wordlessly urged me to reason out with Mom as we trade meaningful glances.

“I can just order my food, hire a cleaning lady from time to time and bring my clothes to laundry shops!”

“O, pwede naman pa lang gano’n,” segunda ni Dad.

After giving the latter a piercing look, Mom looked at me flatly, like her words are final and nothing can change her mind anymore.

“Mom! Please naman. I'm a college girl and I can take care of myself… or at least let me try to! I can't depend on you two forever, can I?”

“Oh, Lewy.” Nasapo ni Mommy ang noo at tila namroblema bigla.

“She’s right, hon. Isa pa, hindi na ‘yan bata. Let her try to be independent.” Dad smiled at me and I gave it back before turning to Mom.

“I want to try it on my own or at least something like that. Mom, please have a little faith in me.” I smiled knowingly at her. “You've raised a wonderful daughter, didn't you? Now is the time to prove it.”

Pero kahit anong pilit namin ni Daddy ay hindi talaga pumayag si Mom. She said I needed to learn the basics of running a house before she'll approve of it. At dahil sa kagustuhan kong makuha ang gusto'y matyaga akong nagpaturo sa housemaid namin kung paano ang magluto, maglinis at maglaba. Mom was furious when she found out even though she's the one who told me that I should be able to learn these things in the first place.

Nang natapos ang unang sem ko sa bago kong university at nakapag-adjust na kahit paano, sa wakas at pinayagan na rin ako ni Mommy na kumuha ng apartment malapit sa school kasama si Mon. As always though, Dad willingly approves it too.

“I love you! I love you! I love you!” Pinupog ko ng halik silang dalawa sa kasiyahan ko sa pagpayag nila.

Den:

Lew!

Can we crash at your apartment later? Hehe

You:

Sure! Dala kayo foods hahaha

Den:

Ano daw gusto mong dalhin namin? Jake’s asking

You:

I’m craving for some Chinese food kanina pang umaga haha

Den:

Okay! See you :)

I was so happy and excited to try and experience something new. Pakiramdam ko'y unti-unti nang nagbubukas sa akin ang totoong mundo. Na dahan-dahan ako nitong sinasalubong. But as my world grew wide, I started to notice that Raf and I are slowly growing apart.

It's his third year at naiintindihan kong busy siya at may kaniya-kaniya kaming priority. But as time goes by, hindi ko mapigilang maramdamang para bang unti-unti nang nawawala sa priority naming dalawa ang relasyong ito.

He has a dream and I'm more than proud and happy to know that he's chasing after it. Though I'm used to always getting things my way, kaya kung minsan ay umiiral ang pagiging immature at selfish ko.

1:26 am

You:

Wachadoin Rafraf?

RaFiend:

Bakit gising ka pa?

What's with Rafraf? You drunk?

Umirap ako sa mga reply niya.

You:

Can't sleep

What's wrong with Rafraf? Pag iba pwedeng may endearment sayo pag ako, lasing agad?

RaFiend:

You have a seven o'clock class tomorrow

Lew, sleep now please

Tunog aso ang Rafraf

Natawa pa ako sa huli niyang text bago ako naka-reply. Ang dami ko sanang gustong sabihin at i-come back pero lahat ng iyon ay binura ko, dahil lahat ng 'yon isa lang naman ang ibig sabihin. So I summarized it all in a single text.

You:

I miss you

RaFiend:

Can I call?

You:

Is it okay with your group mates?

RaFiend:

They're all asleep, ako nalang ang bayani rito

Can I call now?

You:

Give me a minute. Lipat lang ako sa sala, Mon's sleeping. Baka magising ko pa

RaFiend:

Alright

You:

You can call now

Naupo ako sa couch habang nag-aantay ng tawag niya. I keep the lights out and lit only the wall dim lights. My phone vibrated with his call at agad ko naman itong sinagot.

“Hey,” halos pabulong kong bungad.

“Don't skip your class tomorrow,” paalala naman agad niya sa namamaos na boses, halatang pagod na.

Napairap ako sa hangin habang nakangisi. “You’re one anxious kid, Rafiele. Do you know that?”

I heard him chuckle under his breath. “I miss you too…”

Hindi ako sigurado kung gawa ba ito ng vulnerable hours o talagang sobra-sobra ang lungkot na nadarama ko. I miss him so much and hearing his voice but not seeing him right now hurts as much.

“Everything okay, Lew? Please tell me you aren't crying…”

I gasp as I try to pull myself together. Ngunit hindi ko pa rin napigilan ang sarili sa sunod na nasabi. “Why would I cry over your dumbass being busy as hell?”

Kinagat ko ang labi ko nang sandaling natahimik ang kabilang linya.

“We've talked about this, Lew…” His voice came out strained, tila problemado. “How long have you been keeping this to yourself? Bakit hindi mo agad sinabi sa ‘kin para diyan kami nag-sleep over sa apartment n’yo?”

Namilog pa muna ang mga mata ko sa turan niya. Ngunit mabilis din iyong napalitan ng simangot, nang marinig kong sinundan ito ng tawa at natantong hindi siya seryoso ro’n.

“'Kala mo naman papayag akong mag-sleep over diyan ang mga kagrupo ko?” Mas lalo siyang natawa sa katahimikan ko. “Isa pa, kung nandiyan ako, baka mas lalo kang hindi matutulog…”

“Ano pa nga bang ginagawa ko ngayon sa tingin mo?” pabiro ngunit may pagka-sarkastiko kong utas.

“It's not a good idea, Lew. More of… a dangerous idea.”

Bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko. “What dangerous are you talking about? May dala ka bang peligro?”

Natahimik siya ulit. I heard him cleared his throat before speaking again.

“Nevermind. I'll sing you a song to help you sleep, okay?”

Dahan-dahan akong humiga sa couch at inabangan ang pagkanta kuno niya. I’ve never heard him sing at curious ako kung gaano kaya kaganda ang boses niya kung ganito siya ka-confident.

“Okay, then.” Tumango ako kahit hindi naman niya ako nakikita.

Tumikhim siyang muli at nag-umpisa nang kumanta.

Mula sa pag-aabang ay agad naman akong napasapo ng noo sa panimula pa lamang niya.

I didn't mean to laugh at him pero tawang-tawa talaga ako!

“Oh my, God please stop!”

Nagatuloy pa rin siya, hindi natitinag.

“Raf!” awat ko, sapo ang tiyan at hindi na halos makahinga katatawa.

I was laughing like a maniac as he continues. Wala sa timbre ang boses niya pero buong puso pa rin siya kung kumanta. Pumipiyok-piyok pa nga!

He'll be the death of me if he won't stop. And I’m not kidding!

“Hush, Lew. Don't interrupt me, chorus na ako eh!” angil pa muna niya bago muling nagpatuloy sa pagkanta.

Until he finally stopped after finishing the chorus.

“Inantok ka ba sa lamig ng boses ko?” aniya sabay halakhak sa parehong namamalat na boses.

“You ruined the good memory I had with the song! Kakainis!” natatawang reklamo ko.

“Sleep well, Lewis. O baka gusto mong kantahan ulit kita?” malambing niyang uyam.

I smiled like an idiot while biting my lip. Nayakap ko ang throw pillow habang dinidinig ang malakas na pagtambol ng puso ko. I guess vulnerable hours are really proven to make someone's feelings susceptible with just about any emotion.

“Guess I have no choice now.”

“That's a good girl.”

“Make sure to have some rest too…” sabi ko, napapahikab na.

“Will do. Sleep well, Lew.”