Mended Broken Souls

Chapter 1

I grew up with the absence of love. My mother taught me not to have it because she never showered me with the myriad meanings of that word. I learned to cover up myself with entire coldness that every person would fix their eyes on me will be shivered.

It is because of her.

I gave up on finding the meaning of love because I got exhausted. I just live in a house that doesn't feel like home.

Since I was in the right age to think critically, that was the time when I felt and introspected how my mother doesn't treat me as her own. She often treats me like I am not part of the family.

My father's treatment to me is fine... but I am lack of a mother's love and care. Kulang ako sa pagmamahal at kalinga ng isang ina na siyang nagluwal sa 'kin sa mundong ito.

Perhaps when she gave birth to me, she quickly driven me away from her arms... even if I badly wanted to cry while being carried by her. Within my 16 years of existence, I did not experience being taken care of by a mother unlike my other classmates. I feel jealous everytime I see them being fetched by their mothers at school.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I'm currently combing my short hair until my neck whilst fixing my eyes on my lifeless eyes. Funny how my first name also means life but the person who owns it feels like death.

Nag-aayos ako dahil mamayang alas dos, may magaganap na team building sa aming youth. Since last year, I joined Youth Ministry because I want to build an unending rope of faith to God for the reason that I once blamed Him for giving me such an awful mother.

I was wearing a white t-shirt and a blue denim jeans. I tucked it into my jeans. Required magputi sa tuwing may ganitong activity sa Youth. Bukod sa mga youth dito sa Baranggay namin, may iba pang youth na dadalo o dadayo rito sa simbahan na taga ibang churches.

"Ma, ubos na po 'yong ulam?" tanong ko kay mama na nasa sala nang makababa ako.

Nakangiti nitong tinuturuan ang nakababatang kapatid ko na si Akisha na anim na taong gulang na. I looked away when jealousy crept within me.

She never did that to me before. Mula nga nang ipanganak si Akisha eight years ago ay para lang akong hangin dito sa bahay dahil si papa ay busy rin kaaalaga kay Akisha.

Kahit maayos naman ang trato sa akin ni papa, I can't avoid to think that the happiness I saw on his eyes was different... It was like it wasn't the happiness plastered on his eyes when I was newly born.

"Pinakain ko na kay Akisha, Ashia! 'Wag ka nga'ng maingay riyan, tinuturuan ko rito ang kapatid mo!" sigaw niya sa akin.

May dumaang sakit na naman sa puso ko. Favoritism happened between me and my younger sister and that hurts a lot.

Sa ganoong bagay ay hindi ko pinapansin at itinuturing na kapatid ang kapatid ko dahil kahit bata pa man siya, tinuturing ko na siyang ka-kompetensiya.

"Mama! Wala na pong ulam si Ate Ashia! May tinago naman po kayo sa isang maliit na ref, ah na hindi mo pinapakita kay Ate? Kawawa po siya..."

Pinanlakihan ni mama ng mata si Akisha dahil sa ibinunyag nito.

My sister looked at me with her eyes that scream sympathy but I was not even touched. She stole the attention of my parents since the day she was born, so even when she doesn't have a fault, I burst my blame on her silently.

Simple lang ang bahay namin. Hindi kami mayaman, hindi rin mahirap. May dalawang palapag ang bahay. On the first floor, nandoon ang may kalakihang sala at may kalakihan ding kusina. Sa second floor ay may dalawang kwarto. Sa akin ang isa, samantalang ang isa ay kwarto nina mama at papa, doon din natutulog si Akisha.

My mother is a teacher. Sabado ngayon kaya nandito lang si mama. My father worked in one of the companies here in Leyte.

Nagsalubong agad ang kilay ni mama at inis akong binalingan ng tingin.

"Oh, sige kunin mo roon ang toccino'ng nilagay ko sa-"

"Huwag na, Lucie. Nilutuan ko na ng bagong ulam si Ashia." Narinig kong sabi ni papa sa kusina dahilan para mapalingon ako sa kaniya. "Anak, halika na. Kumain ka na. Paborito mo ang toccino, 'di ba?"

I glanced at my father. He always saves me from my mother's negative remarks at me. Wala rin siyang trabaho ngayong Sabado dahil break nila ang weekend kaya nandito siya sa bahay.

Narinig ko ang singhap ni mama bago ako umupo sa upuan na malapit sa mesa, nakita ko pa ang pagsama ng timpla ng mukha niya. I just looked away and pretended to act like I had seen nothing.

Nagsimula na akong kumain. Sinabayan din ako ni papa'ng kumain dahil hindi pa siya kumakain ng tanghalian. Malapit nang mag-ala una. There's no need for me to worry dahil alas dos naman mag-s-start ang team building.

"Saan ang lakad mo, Anak?" tanong ni papa. I drank a glass of water first before answering.

"Activity po ng youth, pa. Every Saturday and Sunday po kasi may pa-activity."

He smiled at me. "Natutuwa ako para sa iyo, Anak dahil sumasali ka sa mga ganiyan. Alam mo bang sumasali rin ako ng Youth noon."

Nginitian ko lang nang kaunti si papa. I don't really talk a lot. For me, it's just a waste of time, but I do really appreciate what he said. Sanay na rin naman siya sa 'kin dahil mula nang magkamuwang ako, ganito na ako... and the reason was my mother.

I was still at a young age, the same as the current age of Akisha, I was really talkative and a happy kid who believes all we through in life are rainbows, especially with my mother but she always ignores me like I was the worst creation she had ever seen.

One time, I was from school, I showed her my simple artwork that got five stars from my teacher. She was making a lesson plan that time. Because of my brimming glee, I quickly jumped towards here, and even gleefully telling her the etymology of the five stars I got, but it vanished when she shouted at me furiously. She wasn't even proud of me.

Since that day, I questioned myself... Does being happy can make people furious?

After that day, I changed. For me, talking too much is just a waste of time. That traumatized me. Iniisip kong kapag nasobraan ka sa pagku-kwento at pagiging masaya, maiirita na sa iyo ang tao o hindi talaga interesado... nagpapanggap lang.

That was the reason why I don't have a lot of friends. I just have one and that was Shiela. Naging kaibigan ko last year na Grade nine pa ako.

"Ano bang mapapala mo sa pagsali-sali mo sa Youth, Ashia? Kung manatili ka nalang sa bahay at maglinis, nagkaambag ka pa rito sa bahay! Hindi ka nga Linggo-linggo nagsisimba dati, pakitang tao mo lang yata 'yan."

Akmang magpapaalam na sana ako kina mama at papa na aalis na pero napatigil ulit ako sa iritang sabi ni mama. Nakatalikod ako sa kaniya ngayon kaya naman naipikit ko ang mga mata sa inis.

"Lucie, ano ba? Hayaan mo naman ang anak natin-"

"Totoo naman kasi, Albert. Wala namang ambag 'yan ditong anak mo! Kung gumagawa na lang sana 'yan ng gawaing bahay ngayon, makatutulong pa sa akin!"

Hindi ko na napigilang harapin at sagutin si mama. "Ma, marami po akong mapapala rito sa pagsali ko. First of all, I want to escape from this house even for a while dahil sobra po kayo sa 'kin. Wala naman po akong ginagawa, ah? Why do you hate me so much that you're treating me like a slave and not as your daughter? At oo, alam ko pong hindi ako palasimba dati pero hindi naman po 'yon dahilan para hindi sumali sa mga activities sa simbahan. Dati po 'yon, hindi na ngayon. Does it make me a hypocrite, Ma? Hindi po ito pakitang tao."

I want to stand my right as a youth servant. This is the first time that I bursted out my anger, but calmly and coldly. I still want to respect her, and I can't bear raising my voice at her, too, because she's still my mother. Ito rin ang unang beses na nagsalita ako nang mahaba rito.

Nangangalati niya akong tiningnan.

"At kailan ka pa natutong sagot-sagutin ako?!" She was about to slap me but I immediately run towards the door. Hindi na ako nagpaalam pang umalis.

Ano pang silbi, 'di ba?

My forehead creased when I felt a liquid from my eyes that keep on rolling down my cheeks. No, I won't cry! Kinuha ko agad ang panyo ko sa dalang maliit na backpack pero kahit anong punas ko, hindi tumitigil. Nasa labas pa naman ako at ang pinakaayaw ko'y nakikita akong umiiyak.

Medyo malayo ang simbahan kaya nag-commute ako. T-in-ext ako ni Shiela na nandoon na siya sa simbahan, nauna na sa 'kin dahil malayo naman talaga ang bahay naming dalawa, malapit lang siya sa simbahan.

Nang makasakay ako sa jeep ay medyo kumalma na ako dahil natigil na rin ang pag-iyak ko. I immediately shifted my reaction again because I don't want people to see me in that state.

"Hi, Ashia! Long time no see!" Nang makarating ako sa may gate ng simbahan, someone approached me that made me felt irritated because I am in a rush, malapit nang mag-alas dos.

Nasa harapan ko ito. He was my so-called suitor (as he termed himself with that) before, Andrei. It was last year when he started bugging me. I was Grade 9 and he was Grade 12 so it wasn't a nice sight for me. I'm a minor, and he's an adult. Wala rin naman akong pakialam.

Hindi rin naman ako interesado sa mga lalaki. He's good looking but I'm not really into him and I'm not into being in a relationship. It is suffocating and a waste of time. I'd rather be a lifetime single.

I don't also know the meaning of the word that is required to be felt when you are in a relationship.

"I know, Andrei. Pwede bang padaanin mo ako? I'm in a rush," I calmly pleaded despite of my upcoming eruption.

Ngumisi siya na ikinairita ko ulit.

"Wait, umiiyak ka ba?" Worry quickly pervaded his entire face the reason why the upcoming eruption inside me was almost there. Namumula pa rin yata ang mga mata ko. "Dalhin muna kita sa bahay, pagagaanin ko loob mo, ako lang naman mag-isa ngayon doon. You can lean on me, Ashia..."

"Hindi panyo ang pagdala mo sa akin sa bahay niyo para punasan ang luha sa mga mata ko. In addition, I don't need someone to lean on."

Mabilis ko siyang nilagpasan pero nagulat na lang ako nang bigla niya akong hatakin pabalik at hinawakan niya nang mahigpit ang kamay kong hinatak niya. Mabilis kong binawi ang kamay ko. His expression told me that he is mad at my sarcastic remark.

"Kanina ko pa napapansin ang pamimilit mo sa babaeng 'to." My forehead creased when I saw a guy covering me by the back of his body to confront Andrei. Matangkad ito na hanggang balikat lang niya ako. "Nasa tapat ka ng simbahan, kaya bakit ka namimilit ng babae? Kahit hindi man sa simbahan, you don't have the right to force someone. Please show some respect, and respect to anyone's decision."

Hindi ko kita ang mukha niya kasi nakatalikod siya sa 'kin. Nakaputi rin ito katulad ko.

Napailing na lang ako bago magpatuloy sa paglalakad. I didn't see any trace of Andrei following me anymore so perhaps his mind was lightened by his choice of words.

"Miss!" Napapikit ulit ako sa inis dahil may nang-istorbo na naman sa akin. Malapit na sana akong makarating sa loob. I don't really like it when I am disturbed.

Bored ko itong nilingon. Siya nga pala 'yong lalaking sumagip sa 'kin mula sa pamimilit sa akin ni Andrei.

What would I say? Perhaps, thank you? But it's not my thing. Kapag ginagawan ako ng magandang bagay o tinulungan ako ng ibang tao, hindi ko ugaling magpasalamat dahil ramdam kong kailangan ko rin silang gawan ng pabor pabalik.

I didn't ask for help in the first place.

So, I don't think it is necessary for me to say thank you to those people who help or do good in me. Hindi ko rin naman kailangan ng tulong dahil kaya ko ang sarili ko.

"Why?"

Naka-plastar ang ngiti nito sa labi na hindi ko alam kung bakit. May nakatatawa ba sa mukha ko? I hope there's none.

Pansin ko ang nunal nito malapit sa bibig, agaw pansin agad ito. Baka madaldal 'to. That's what I think.

"Ayos ka lang ba? Hindi ka ba ginawan ng masama nung lalaki? Your eyes are swollen, baka may ginawa 'yon sa 'yo na nagpaiyak sa 'yo?" Concert is evident in his voice and on his eyes.

Sabi ko na nga ba. Sa sunod-sunod niyang tanong, mahahalatang madaldal siya. The mole near his mouth is a sign.

"Hindi. Napuwing lang," tipid na sagot ko at tinalikuran na siya pagkatapos.

Hindi pa man ako nakapasok sa simbahan ay kita na rito sa labas na marami nang youth ang nasa loob. I sighed silently. Gusto ko kasing nauuna ako na wala pang masiyadong tao. Marami nang youth sa loob kaya alam kong makaaagaw ako ng atensiyon. I don't want attention.

I just joined in this ministry to build my faith in Him, not to befriend.

"Teka lang, Miss!" Napahinto ulit ako at inis na siyang nilingon ngayon. My brows were furrowed when I glanced at him, the reason why he looks threatened a bit. Other said that I looked like a threat whenever I do that.

"Ito oh, panyo." Lahad niya sa puting panyong dala niya dahilan para mas lalong kumunot ang noo ko.

I looked at him without any trace of reaction on my face anymore. "I don't need that, hindi ko rin kailangan ng tulong mo."

Nagulat ako nang pumantay siya sa lakad ko at naka-plastar na naman dito ang ngiti o isang ngisi na parang nang-aasar. May dala rin siyang backpack at katulad pa kami ng direksiyon na sa simbahan kaya hula ko'y isa rin siyang youth. But he isn't familiar to me. Perhaps he's from other Baranggay.

"Sure kang hindi mo tatanggapin? Sayang, Miss. Paano kung sabihin ko sa 'yong panyo mo 'to na nahulog mo kanina?"

I glanced at him again who's now smiling widely like it was an achievement for him. Oh, does he think I feel embarrassed in front of him?

In his dreams.

"Okay, hand it to me," malamig kong sinabi, dahil nakangisi pa rin siya hanggang ngayon. Mabuti na lang at napigilan ko ang pagsabog ng bulkan sa loob ko dahil sa daming istorbo sa 'kin ngayong araw.

Nilagay niya agad sa kamay kong nakalahad ang puti kong panyo.

"Hindi mo ako pasasalamatan?"

"No. It seems like you will ask thing in return." Tuluyan ko na siyang nilagpasan at tinahak na ang mahabang daan patungo sa loob ng simbahan pero naririnig ko pa ang pahabol niya.

"Wala naman, Miss! Gusto ko lang tumulong... pero ano bang pangalan mo?"

Hindi ko siya sinagot dahil tuloy-tuloy na ang lakad ko.

He's annoying.

Nang nasa harapan na ako ng simbahan ay nag-sign of the cross ako. San Nicolas De Tolentino Church basa ko sa nakapaskil.

Marami nang mga nakaputi sa loob. Sabi ng announcement sa GC naming mga youth na may misa pa raw bago kami mag-proceed lahat sa activities. Sabi nila na bago na raw ang pari, napalitan iyon last Sunday dahil nalipat na sa ibang parokya ang pari na limang taon din dito.

I wasn't able to attend the mass last Sunday because I had a fever because of the heavy chores my mother had made me do, and because of a lack of sleep as well. Habang silang dalawa ng paborito niyang anak ay mahimbing nang natutulog. I didn't have an ally at that time because there was a promotion happened in the company where my father is working.

"Ashia Julienne! Kanina pa kita hinihintay!" I saw Shiela running towards me outside the Church because I wasn't able to enter the church yet.

Her eyes quickly shifted behind me. I'm not interested so I immediately grab her hand slowly for us to enter the church together but she was like a statue there. Nakatitig ito sa lalaking nakasalamuha ko kanina na taka siyang titingnan at agad akong tinitigan ulit.

"Caleb?!" Shiela exclaimed.

"Kilala mo ako?" parang inosenteng tanong ni... Caleb. Okay, his name is Caleb. Shiela probably knows him.

"Nakalimot ka agad? We were friends back then in elementary sa Plaridel. I am Shiela!"

Napakunot ang noo ni Caleb pero kalaunan ay nagliwanag ang mga mata nito, like an idea just came up on his mind.

"Shiela! Glow up na, ah? Kung noon, halos lumabas uhog mo sa ilong dahil sa kadugyutan-"

"Manahimik ka, Caleb! 'Wag mo nang ipaalala, gago ka!"

"'Wag ka nga'ng magmura, nasa simbahan ka," parang naiinis na suway ni Caleb.

"Sorry na nga!"

"Mauna na ako sa loob," I interrupted their small talks. Wala rin naman akong planong makisali sa usapan dahil hindi ako interesado.

Hindi ako pinansin ni Shiela dahil nakatutok lang siya kay Caleb. I saw adoration on her eyes or it is just me. She did not give me attention like she didn't call me earlier. Ipinagkibit ko na lang iyon ng balikat.

Hindi lang naman kasi ako ang kaibigan niya, marami siyang kaibigan at hindi ko nga alam kung bakit niya ako kinaibigan. I'm an introvert, pero dahil makulit siya, pinayagan ko na lang siyang maging kaibigan. I don't fully trust her because it seems like she has a hidden agenda. My gut feeling is sometimes right.

Hindi ko na narinig pa ang usapan nila dahil nagtuloy-tuloy na talaga ang lakad ko patungo sa loob. Naupo ako sa unang column sa hulihang row na nakalaan para sa youth ng aming Baranggay. The other three columns are for the other three Baranggay who came from other churches who also required to be here. Ang simbahan kasi ng Baranggay namin ang napiling gaganapan ng team building ngayon.

Nasa likuran ako ng mahabang upuan na walang ibang nakaupo because I really want to be alone often... but joining Youth Ministry, I always fail dahil kahit ganito ako, hindi palakibo, my co-youth servants still want to interact with me. They are all friendly. Lalo na siguro ngayong isinasagawa ang team building because one of the main types of this is it includes communication activities.

Ilang sandali pa'y dumating na ang bagong pari na sa parokya ng Baranggay Plaridel nananatili at ang tatlong sakristan na isinama niya. Nagsimula na rin ang misa kalaunan kaya naman nakinig ako nang mabuti.

Hindi ko alam kung nasaan na ngayon si Shiela. She often leaves me alone everytime she sees one of her friends. If you'll asked me if what is the thing that I want from Shiela's doing is to be left by her.

I was currenlty observing the new priest because he seemed familiar to me. His chinky eyes reminded me of someone... I don't know, I can't explain the feeling. Parang may kamukha talaga siya... at hindi ko rin alam kung bakit naging interesado ako. Based on his statement earlier, he is 37 years old.

"Hija, bakit ikaw lang mag-isa rito? Hindi mo katabi ang ibang youth." Sa kalagitnaan ng misa ay may biglang umupo sa tabi ko at itinanong 'yon.

I glanced at her with confusion on my eyes but when I saw her smile, I suddenly felt... appreciated for the first time.

Based on my observation, parang nasa middle 30 or more pa ito dahil ang bata niya pang tingnan pero palagi ko siyang nakikita sa simbahan kada Linggo na nakikisabay sa mga senior citizen. Dumadalo rin siya sa mga meeting ng BEC leaders after mass.

"Hindi ko po kasi ugaling makihalubilo sa iba," sagot ko sabay ngiti na hindi ko rin inaasahan dahil hindi naman ako ngumingiti kaya napaiwas ako ng tingin at ibinalik sa walang reaksiyon ang mukha lalo na nang mas lalo siyang ngumiti.

Kilala niya na rin ata ako dahil palagi niya akong minamasdan sa tuwing nagkikita kami sa simbahan which I find weird at first pero kalaunan ay nasanay na rin naman ako dahil magaan ang loob ko sa kaniya.

"Mas lalo kang gumaganda kapag nakangiti ka, Ashia," she said while smiling. There's something in me that felt flattered after hearing her uttering my name.

Hindi na ako sumagot pa dahil time na rin ng communion kaya agad na akong pumila sa isang linya banda sa unang row.

"Good afternoon, youth servants, or should I say Servant of Salvation, the name of our youth group. The purpose of team building is to motivate each other to work together, to develope each other strengths and to adress weaknesses. But first of all, we will do the grand taize prayer," announce ng youth leader namin sa parokya nang matapos ang misa.

Napangiti ako nang palihim dahil ang activity na ito sa youth talaga ang pinakagusto ko. It feels like an escape from my painful reality because I feel God beside me- hugging me to make me feel better.

"Uy, ngumiti si Ashia!" Nagulat ako nang may biglang umakbay sa 'kin na babae. Isa ito sa mga youth dito sa Baranggay namin na palaging hyper, madaldal at parang 'di nauubusan ng salita.

"N-No, I didn't."

Nasanay na kasi silang lahat na hindi ako palangiti kaya nakagugulat talaga 'yon para sa kanila. Maraming youth ang nakarinig kaya naman napalingon sila sa banda namin.

God, another annoying person I have encountered today! It was just a quick smile yet she saw it.

Napailing na lang ako. I also saw youth servants from another Baranggay who glanced at us, isa na roon si Caleb na kasama ata si Shiela.

"Sus, alam mo bang liars go to hell? Charot lang. Ang ganda-ganda mo 'pag ngumingiti." Hindi pa rin natanggal ang akbay niya sa 'kin pero mabuti na lang at hininaan na niya ang boses niya.

Hindi ako nagsalita at tinanggal nalang nang dahan-dahan ang akbay niya sa 'kin.

Ilang sandali pa'y nagsimula na rin ang taize prayer. In-off lahat ng ilaw sa simbahan dahil maraming kandila nag sinindihan. Nakapalibot ito sa imahe ni Mama Mary at ni Jesus sa harapan. Nakalinya rin ang mga kandila sa magkabilang gilid ng pinakagitna na siyang palaging daanan ng pari, sakristan at mga lector.

Tulong-tulong naming inilipat ang mga upuan sa pinakagilid dahil mauupo lamang kaming lahat sa tiles ng simbahan. It was a nice sight... it definitely calmed me down and made me forget about my problems at home. Sabay akong umupo sa kanilang lahat nang magsimula na ang taize prayer.

Maganda 'yon sa pakiramdam kaya naman napapikit ako habang sumasabay sa dasal.

Sa pagpikit ko'y may naramdaman akong pares ng mga matang nakatitig sa 'kin mula sa harapan kaya dahan-dahan akong dumilat.

Caleb with his innocent face and eyes stared at me that for the first time made the awkwardness filled in me, however, I didn't look away because I'll be noticed that I felt awkward, and I don't want people to conclude that.

"Magkakilala kayo ni Caleb? Nakatitig siya sa 'yo, Shia!" bulong ng babaeng umakbay sa 'kin kanina na sobrang daldal kaya napakunot ang noo ko. We're not close but she called me Shia.

"Nope. Maybe he's staring at you," I said boredly. Nginiwian niya ako pero 'di ko siya pinansin. Kilala niya rin ata si Caleb.

"By the way, I'm Venice!" nakangiti niyang pagpapakilala na tinanguan ko lang. She pouted.

Kumunot ang noo ko nang makitang may isinulat si Caleb sa dalang notebook niya... Wait, why am I even staring at him? I was about to look away but seeing what he wrote on his notebook when he showed it to me made me halt from doing so.

"Hi, Julienne."