Mended Broken Souls

"Shia! May concert daw si Troye Sivan ngayong gabi rito sa Manila! OMG!" Napatigil ako sa ginagawang research sa laptop ko nang marinig ang sigaw ng kaibigan kong agarang nagpunta at nang-istorbo sa akin dito sa apartment na pinatilihan ko. I sighed. One thing I hate about is to be disturbed but after hearing what she said, I automatically stopped typing on my laptop. Troye Sivan has been my favorite Western singer so it really piqued my curiosity. I glanced at her who's still smiling ear to ear. "Anong kakantahin niya?" Kumunot ang noo ko nang bigla siyang lumundag patungo sa kama ko. Hindi ko talaga gusto ang mga ganiyang galawan ni Venice, pero nasanay na rin naman ako. I am really an introvert person that's why I don't even know why she became my friend who's talkative, noisy, and clingy. Naging kaibigan ko siya three years ago noong Grade 10 pa lang ako sa Youth Ministry dahil isa rin siyang youth servant katulad ko. We are clearly opposite. But one thing I liked about her is she's genuine, and true to her words... Unlike that one friend I had before, a friend for five years na sana ngayon who turned into different person because of the insecurity she felt towards me. Hindi ko nga alam kung ano ang ka-insecure-insecure sa akin. I'm just nothing but a piece of s**t who have been brought into this world only to suffer. "Limang kanta ang kakantahin niya at isa na roon ang Youth! 'Di ba favorite mo 'yon? Or... favorite niyong dalawa tugtugin ni ano before..." she looked at me gently and in a guilty way, nag-iingat sa magiging reaction ko. Tuluyan na akong napatigil sa ginagawa nang bumalik na naman sa akin ang mga ala-ala. It's been a year. But I stopped myself from thinking about that because I might end up crying again. I don't want to cry in front of anyone, even in front of Venice because I don't want them to see the weak side of me. I just want them to see my vivid cold personality that seems to have a strong huge barrier that no one could break. Pero alam kong alam niya ang mahinang ako kahit pa nagpapanggap akong malakas at pilit na pinapakita ang kalamigan ko. She said before that eyes do not lie... so she stayed with me. Hindi nga lang ako umiiyak sa tuwing nandiyan siya dahil gusto ko talagang mag-isa lang na umiiyak. But... there was one person who saw how I cried alone unexpectedly because of too much pain. He was the first person who saw the unmasked me. Indeed... he really broke the wall I build since birth. "Yes. But, Venice, we should really forget about that one. It was destined from the very start. I'll come with you. Anong oras ba ang concert?" Nabalik ulit ang reaksiyon ko sa pagiging interesado sa concert, not minding anymore the topic she brought about the past. She smiled widely again. "Alas otso! Alas syete na ngayon. Maghanda ka na, Ashia! Isantabi mo muna 'yang research mo, malayo pa naman ang deadline. Gayahin mo akong sinusulit muna ang oras para maging happy bago sumabak ulit sa madugong activities sa college life!" Parang shotgun na 'di matahimik ang bibig niya kaya napatakip ako sa magkabilang tenga ko. I don't know how she coped up to be with me even if I am like this. That I am showing the real me. I am not the same as the other friend, my personality opposed their traits. I shook my head slowly. "No. I won't imitate you, Venice. It's better to be early than being late." "It's better to be late than never, Ashia Julienne!" Napailing na lang ako sa sinabi niya. 'Yan talaga ang paninindigan niya simula noong Senior High pa lang kami. Ilang sandali pa'y umalis na rin siya sa dorm na pinanatilihan ko, pupuntahan niya lang daw ako 'pag tapos na siya mag-ayos. I decided years ago that if I reached college, dito na ako sa Manila mag-aaral. Sinusuportahan naman ako ng papa ko rito na mag-aral. Deciding to continue living in Leyte, in where I was born, colorful whilst painful memory of my youth would come back. Especially that inside the house I live in with my family doesn't feel like home... It felt like home in a short period of time but I realized that I was so stupid for believing all the white lies beneath it. When 7:30 striked, I doubted if I should just stay here to finish my research or I will come with my friend. Sayang kasi ang oras. But perhaps, it's time to refresh my already dried brain first. Napabuntong-hininga ako bago sinimulang mag-ayos. I just wore a black dress with long-sleeve under the knee, pinaresan ko lang ito ng isang black flat sandal. I don't want to look expensive. I also wore the necklace he gave me... The necklace that has a crescent moon pendant that always represents me as not entire. I looked myself in the mirror. Naka-plastar ang bored kong mukha na nakasanayan na ng mga tao sa paligid ko. The first impression to me of most of the people around me who knows me is I am strict. Palagi akong walang reaksiyon at dahil na rin iyon sa chinita Kong mga mata. I have a ferocious face. Seeing me smile is rare. But when he came, everything has changed... but that everything turned into nothing again. "Ashia, tara na! May dalawang ticket na ako rito. Pasalamat ka may maganda kang kaibigan. Malapit na mag-alas otso, uy! Baka hindi ko na makita nang malapitan si bebe Troy huhu..." nakangusong pagmamadali ni Venice sa akin nang bumalik na naman siya sa apartment ko. My forehead creased when I saw her outfit. She was wearing a violet spaghetti strap dress above the knee partnered with black boots. Napailing na lang ako. She looked so expensive. Sabagay, isa rin ang pamilya nila sa mayayaman at kilalang pamilya rito sa Manila. Sa Leyte kung saan kami nagkakilala ni Venice, sa kaniyang Lolo at Lola siya tumira noon. She didn't live with her parents here in Manila because she prefers to live in province. Hindi na ako nagsalita pa at sumunod na lang sa kaniya. She maneuvered her car that fast sakay ako. May sarili na rin kasi siyang kotse. When we reached the wide and huge venue of the concert, she grabbed my hand that fast towards inside. Marami nang tao at sobrang ingay na na siyang ikinairita ko agad. Ashia, concert 'to, what do you expect? Nakasimangot si Venice dahil wala nang puwesto sa harapan kaya wala siyang nagawa kundi hatakin ako sa pinakalikod. Wala namang problema sa akin kung hindi roon sa unahan pu-puwesto. Gusto ko lang talagang marinig ang boses ni Troye Sivan sa ganitong event dahil hanggang spotify lang ako dati. Nakahanda na sa may stage ang iba't-ibang instruments pero wala pa si Troye Sivan. Maliwanag na sa harapan pero sa banda ng mga audience ay wala pang lliwanag. Perhaps, it will be later. "OMG! Ang pogi niya sa personal, Shia! Ack!" Napatakip ako sa aking tenga nang marinig ang nakaririnding sigawan at tilian ng mga tao kasali na ang kaibigan ko. When I bore my eyes in front, seeing Troye Sivan holding a mic explains the reason of their sudden shout. Behind him were the people who will manipulate the instruments. Iba't-iba ang kulay ng ilaw na pinaandar sa ibabaw ng audience kaya nakamamangha ring tingnan. "What if... What if we run away? What if... What if we left today? What if we said goodbye to safe and sound? "What if... What if we're hard to find? What if... What if we lost our minds? What if we left them fall behind And they're never found?" I closed my eyes intently and peacefully listened every lyric he sings. My silent way to appreciate his profound and adorable voice opposed the noisy way of the people around me. While listening, my mind can't can't avoid to wander about the past. It's been a year yet it still feels like yesterday. Sana nga, puwede lang takasan ang katotohanan. I hope we can run away without thinking about the hindrance. "Dumalo ka rin pala rito sa concert." My forehead creased and by just hearing his familiar voice beside me, it was difficult for me to swallow the lump of my throat. "And when the lights start flashing like a photo booth And the stars exploding We'll be fireproof My youth My youth is yours Tripping on skies, sipping waterfalls My youth My youth is yours Run away now and forevermore..." Nilingon ko siya sa kanang tabi. Dito na rin siguro siya sa Manila nag-second year college gaya ng sinabi niya rati, last year kasi doon siya sa probinsiya. Maingay pa rin ang sigawan ngunit narinig ko siya... ang t***k ng puso kong walang pinagbago ay naririnig ko rin. His feature doesn't change. His genuine and iconic smile that I often witnessed before... He was wearing a blue button down polo. Ganoon pa rin ka-inosente ang kaniyang mukha. "Yes." Umakto akong parang normal. Na parang walang nangyaring 'kami' noon. Like a stranger. Sana nga estranghero na lang kaming dalawa ngayon. He smiled again but pain is evident on his eyes. Hindi ako ngumiti pabalik, tinitigan ko lang siya. He's the only person who saw the unmasked me. He's the man whom I let to be expressed my real emotion. We shed tears together during our downfall times to hush our own demons. Through ups and down, he was there for me. He loved me first willingly, and I learned to love him. He successfully stole the key for my locked indestructible barrier, and opened its door to slowly steal my heart. He was the reason why the word love itself unveiled its myriad meanings for me to discover everything... And I felt it for him. But do you know what hurts the most? It is that... we did not fall out of love nor there wasn't a third party involved. We just need to break up because it was needed. We promised to each other a year ago that we will attend together the soon to be concert of Troye Sivan here in Manila and listened to our favorite song entitled Youth. Yes, we are here in the concert, but not together anymore... Because of the truth that shattered everything about us. Everything was fine already that we didn't expect any storm to come. A single truth that cannot be changed broke the future we had once seen together into smithereens.